Fashion Reports

Fashion Report — Episode 4

But, admit it, you were happier to see Romber spelled correctly in the ATC Report than you would have been to hear me chastise the brothers for their ill-conceived accessorizing.
Oh, fash readers (if there are any of you left), I apologize for abandoning you in your hour of need. But, admit it, you were happier to see Romber spelled correctly in the ATC Report than you would have been to hear me chastise the brothers for their ill-conceived accessorizing.

It’s been so long since episode four, I barely remember what happened. Okay, that’s not entirely true; I’ve got the episode on my TiFaux. And I have my notes. My barely legible notes. The notes suggest we started the leg in somewhere illegible, South America, and ended in what appears to be the same illegible South American scribble. Along the way, there were (pandas? grouchos?) gauchos(!) and (slipmoelcs? stripnecks?) shipwrecks(!) and “a stunning comeback by a team that, showing blatant disregard for the laws of TARmic payback, had quit a roadblock on the previous leg(!)” My penmanship clears up when I’m floridly pissy, apparently.

How about a brief rundown and a lesson?

Phil wore khakis. Wasn’t that a Gap ad? Sadly for Phil, he was joined by such chronic fashion fumblers as Lynn, Ron, and Kelly. And, not only did Ron & Kelly both wear khakis, but they also wore matching black jackets for some good, old-fashioned, Big-Slick-hemorrhage-inducing twinning.

In a perfect example of teaming (the fashionable teams’ answer to twinning), Team Hipstercrombie (Brian & Greg) wore coordinating—but not identical—grunge-a-licious outfits of short-sleeved tees over long-sleeved tees. And Brian(?Greg?) wore the fun stocking cap again. In a bizarre incidence of inter-team teaming, PahkthecahinHavahdRahb also wore a short-sleeved tee over a long-sleeved tee and topped himself off with a stocking cap. Perhaps this was because he didn’t want to be associated with Amber, who chose to run this leg in that all-red track suit. Is she a Racer or a crayon?

Uchenna & Joyce stayed mostly under the radar this episode, although Joyce’s black and olive ensemble was well-complemented by the riding helmet. Meredith & Gretchen were likewise under the radar in their little coordinating windpants.
I don’t quite know what to make of it. It looks good on her, so it can’t be bad, but there’s something very short-bus about it.
Ray wins the “lamest top” award for his horrid red and black sleeveless thing, while Susan wins “best top” for her light blue pullover. Somewhere in the middle is Amber and her red “a” boob-shirt. I don’t quite know what to make of it. It looks good on her, so it can’t be bad, but there’s something very short-bus about it. Hi, I’m a-for-Amber!

And—speaking of special fashion ed—in a way, it’s for the best that Susan & Patrick phaced the Philiminator in episode four. All the more time for some of her fashion sense to rub off onto him in Sequesterville . . . she was always tasteful and lovely and, well, sometimes he looked a little like Carrot Top.

Episode four’s lesson comes to us courtesy of Ray & Deana, Brian & Greg, and Rob. When things got heated at the Roadblock, Deana stripped off her shirt to reveal a cute, white sports bra. It would have been cuter had it not given her the uni-boob, but what can you do? It’s a sports bra. In what can only be interpreted as a show of solidarity, Ray lost the garish sleeveless number to reveal a surprisingly lean physique. They both looked better for ditching some clothes. At the Detour, we saw that Brian & Greg had ditched the long-sleeved tees. Their new outfits, complete with perfectly-coordinating olive life-vests, rocked the hipster house. And, in the best fashion play of this—or any—season, Rob ditched that hat. You know the one. The “baseball” cap. I’d bitch about the misfortune of Rob’s boatman if my NYY weren’t currently stinking up the AL East. The lesson (for the Race and fash rep): Sometimes, less is—if not more—at least a damn improvement.

And now I’m off to finish the fash rep for episode five (which the conscientious Kanuck began a good two weeks[+] ago).

p.s. Did anyone else notice that the official time-keeper at the Roadblock was wearing a red bandana? This clearly identified him as belonging to Team Romber and is proof that the whole Race was rigged in their favor. Conspiracy theorists unite!