Amazing Race Rants

Amazing Race Rant - Episode Nine


"Will working together help Rob and Amber and Ron and Kelly remain at the front of the pack?" … Phil … not sure that four teams really constitutes a pack … it's more of a club, really.

"And can Meredith and Gretchen finally find a way out of last place?" … Phil … hey, they pride themselves on a consistent second to last place finish, thank you. Plus with their luck so far, they'll probably outlive the other teams.

"Our saying is Let Go, Let God" … Joyce … with God's response, Hang on, I'm busy.

"and letting go of my hair must have been God's plan" … Joyce … maybe. It certainly has made the "working in mysterious ways" Top Ten list.

"I feel strong now. There's nothing that I cannot do" … Joyce … finding strength from her baldness. Just proves that Samson would have really sucked at the Amazing Race.

"And we believe that just by going through what we did, we will win" … Joyce … maybe … they're certainly now the most streamlined team in the race

"On this last leg of the race, we met Sanjay and he ended up acting as our guide for us" … Rob … and he didn't even mention Survivor. He must be a truly helpful guy, or just really, really bored.
I think it's fair to say that if you managed to climb your way to the top of the tension, the view would be quite spectacular.
"The amount of tension that Kelly and I have had between us is starting to build at this point" … Ron … starting to build? I think it's fair to say that if you managed to climb your way to the top of the tension, the view would be quite spectacular.

"If we're going to harp on all these bad feelings, we're going to have a hard time running the rest of the race" … Ron … and yet we'll harp on them anyway. Hell, they've got the harp and a good portion of the strings section involved in their arguments by this point.

"Amber and I work very well with Ron and Kelly" … Rob … as long as you are willing to overlook the lack of sharing and general distrust, we're great buds.

"but two teams working together are not necessarily better than one team" … Rob … yeah, I can see where spending time looking to lose or screw the other team would be a distraction. Still, if you got lost, at least you'd have company.

"When push comes to shove, we're going to do whatever it takes to win it" … Rob … a good reason to grip the handrails a little tighter when Rob comes around.

"We're going to Istanbul is Constantinople" … Ron … ah, geography through song … sounds right about Rob and Ron's speed. Now if they can find a rhyme for Jodhpur, they'll be set.

"The man has so many stickers on the windshield, I don't know how he sees through it" … Meredith … would it make feel any better to know that the stickers are the only things holding the windshield on?

"This is very dangerous" … Gretchen … possibly … but as extreme sports go, Indian Pickup Truck riding still ranks fairly low on the list.

"Thank God. My Hindu just isn't up to par" … Rob on Sanjay speaking to the cabbie … not having to hear Hindi spoken with a Boston accent … God gets my thanks on that one as well.

"Step it up, old man" … Gretchen to Meredith … Meredith's a little ticked he left his earplugs and whacking cane at home.

"Yeah, see ya later, buddy" … Rob to Sanjay … I know somewhere there has to be a "thanks for all your help" hiding in that phrase, but I just can't see it.

"Uchenna and I are working with Meredith and Gretchen because they are truly good people and we really want to help them" … Joyce … a smidge different than the "we're working together to keep our enemies closer" philosophy of the other two teams, but it takes all kinds, I guess.

"I'm so over India" … Rob … and aside from Sanjay, I wouldn't expect India is going to be calling you up for a date any time soon, either.

"Did you get on the earlier flight to Turkey?" … Rob … no, but thanks for the idea. Isn't he helpful?

"just cause I wanted to see, number 1, if there was an earlier flight that they know about" … Rob … and that they would naively be willing to share. Bluffing the old folks certainly does cut down on the old research time.

"and number 2 just to instill a little bit of fear in them" … Rob … Rob's preflight checklist … passport, check; tickets, check; scared old people, check.

"Rob just said 'did you get on the earlier flight to Turkey.'" "So obviously there's an earlier flight" … Gretchen / Meredith … could be, yet the phrase "so obviously Rob is lying" makes so much more sense.

"I'm glad we got rid of Ron and Kelly because they were slowing us up" … Rob … well, they did beat us in the last leg and all we did together so far is take a cab to the airport, but still … they're dragging us down.

"It's amazing going around the world and seeing all this different stuff." … Ron … not nearly as amazing as going around the world and still describing everything as "stuff."

"I'm never going to get a chance to do it again in my life" … Ron … the U.S. apparently just announcing the world is a big no-fly zone for former POWs.

"It makes me realize that there is really a lot of things to do with my life before settling down, having kids, and being married" … Ron … the key things being learning sensitivity or at the very least mastering when to use his "inner monologue."

"I'm really not going to sit around and wait for someone who's says that everything else in life is more important. I'm worth more than that, I think" … Kelly … you would hope. I'm sure you're probably at least as important as "stuff" and "things."

"There are patterns in life that show that you don't make commitments" … Kelly … his Amazing Race waiver was signed in pencil, no less.

"You're right. I was only committed to the military." "And you got out of that one" … Ron / Kelly … quite dramatically, too. Most guys would just stop calling to end a commitment.

"How'd I get out of that one?" "By being a POW, you left your commitment early" … Ron / Kelly … and began a wonderful new commitment to some nice Iraqi gentlemen. But I guess the rescuing marines got him out of that commitment, too.

"What I did was I crashed myself. Went through hell and torture so I could get out of the Army early" … Ron … it's rather an extreme way of telling the Army "I think we should start seeing other people," don't you think?

"I almost died, but I knew I'd be getting out of the Army early if I survived it" … Ron … the man may not be able to commit, but you can't argue with his ability to find positive in any situation

"I'm sick of fighting like that all the time. It's getting old" … Ron … yet still refreshingly popcorn munchingly new for the rest of us.

"I need to go to Istanbul, Turkey. Can you tell me the quickest flight to get there that arrives?" … Rob … Rob obviously trying to avoid those flights that are planning to crash or get lost.

"Is there another airline that leaves Delhi tonight?" … Rob … probably several, but really it depends on where you want to go now, doesn't it?

"Who said that? Uchenna? Oh yeah, he has no clue what he's talking about" … Rob … luckily his travel agent does, which is more than can be said for the collective brain trust in this room.

"Uchenna and Joyce don't know who to turn to. They're even turning to Meredith and Gretchen for advice now" … Rob … oddly enough the same people you were pumping for information earlier, too. They may have dumbed down a bit, though … dealing with Rob can do that to a person.

"It's like the blind leading the blind" … Rob … so says the dumb leading the dumber.

"You'd think at 65, 70 years old they'd have a clue. But they don't" … Rob … you'd think they wouldn't be so silly and naοve. All it's gotten them so far is friends and an early flight. How clueless is that?
Rob and Amber are the poster children for leadership … taking the time to lead around all those guides and fans they stumbled across. It only looked like they were following.
"They've just coasted this whole game and just followed other people" … Rob … Rob and Amber are the poster children for leadership … taking the time to lead around all those guides and fans they stumbled across. It only looked like they were following.

"and now this time they don't have anybody to follow" … Rob … ironically because most of the people are behind them now.

"So they're stupid" … Rob … but at least they're airborne.

"As long as we don't see the red cap up here." "I'd forgotten all about the red cap" … Gretchen / Uchenna … a sad downside to the game … these teams have developed an sub-conscious fear and hatred of all train and airport luggage porters.

"Just to be able see the world and experience all these adventures together is amazing" … Joyce … though I could have probably lived without the whole new hairstyle experience. Not quite at the amazing level.

"Teams must now search this island for one of these gnomes" … Phil … carefully avoiding any other gnomes that might be living on the island. They can get a bit cranky.

"What teams do not know is that these are Travelocity roaming gnomes" … Phil … roaming the world spreading joy and product placement everywhere they go.

"the team that finds the gnome with the airplane and carries it all the way to the pit stop will win a special prize" … Phil … man, it better be something more than free lawn ornament for life, or there will be pieces of gnome scattered all over Istanbul.

"Lots of clues here … means we're first" … Gretchen … as long as we don't count Uchenna and Joyce who seem to be running away with a yellow envelope of some sort.

"You guys found it pretty quick." "Oh yeah. We were the first, too" … Uchenna / Gretchen … never having finished first yet, Gretchen is grabbing for every little victory she can … like being the first to brag.

"I feel like I'm at home on the T" … Rob on the train … a few more mosques and prayer towers than I remember, though

"teams must travel to this town square and take part in a common practice on the streets of Istanbul. Weighing people" … Phil … not sure if this common practice was derived from a fraternity stunt or just sheer boredom, but it's clear Dr. Phil would be welcome on the streets of Istanbul.

"What are we going to call this guy?" "I don't know … gnome" … Meredith / Gretchen on the gnome … pretty imaginative naming, Gretchen. I'm sure your kids Baby and Weeklate would agree.

"Jerome. Jerome the gnome" … Meredith … careful, Meredith. Once you give it a name, it will be that much tougher to give it up. And trying to leave the country with "we have no bags to check but we do have this gnome" is not going to make airport life any easier.

"I think we've got a big enough lead right now. We don't want to overdo it" … Rob … definitely. Best to save your strength for that strut into last place.

"I guess we go to the very top. Z? What's Z?" … Gretchen … Turkish elevators … where the underused letters of the alphabet go to die.

"Are you looking for a clue, Meredith?" "Yes, I am" … Gretchen / Meredith … thought it might be a smart thing to do before we hit the gift shop.

"Why don't we see things?" "I don't know" … Gretchen / Meredith … well, you're actually seeing plenty, but nothing to do with the race unfortunately. But don't put yourself down, Gretchen. I mean, who would expect the clue box to be at the main entrance?

"Find a gnome." "What's a gnome?" "It's like a little statue" … Rob / Amber … kind of removes some of the magic behind those mythical forests of lore, imagining a whole tribe of little statues dancing about.

"I'm so glad it's him climbing and not me" … Joyce … and after the haircut, the guy clearly owes you one.

"We have to find our way to the man with scales" … Gretchen … so look for the guy with the big box, or the really bad skin condition.

"Is that a scale?" "No" … Meredith / Gretchen … not knowing what a scale looks like, Meredith is either tired, has bad eyes, or Gretchen really has him whipped. If his next question is "Is that a man?", we'll know which one it is.

"We need a big scale" … Gretchen … a big scale would help, but scientifically speaking, big people would help a lot more.

"Scales, Scales." "What are you doing, honey?" "I'm looking for a man with scales" … Gretchen / Meredith … not to mention worrying patrons and scaring tourists too. She's multi-tasking.

"And we're happy to be here in first place, prize or no prize" … Uchenna … but if you can spare a trip, we'd be happy to take one. I mean, look at her hair, man. That's got to be worth something.

"You're a big man. We want grande people" … Gretchen … words you'd never expect to hear come out of Gretchen … Supersize me.
He's going to grab a no-fat cookie and cry the whole way home now.
"Fifty-eight. That's a lightweight" … Gretchen … the Amazing Race equivalent of kicking sand in the poor guy's face. He's going to grab a no-fat cookie and cry the whole way home now.

"This isn't right." "I know." "That was what I was trying to say" … Kelly / Ron … without actually saying the exact words. That would be too easy.

"What do you want me to do, Ron?" "Not rush to conclusions" … Kelly / Ron … well, it's a safe bet that any "soul-mate" or "love you forever" conclusions are definitely seeing a slow down if not a complete U-turn.

"Take the clue. Take all of it." "Okay, I'll play this game by myself from now on" … Kelly / Ron … the end of a beautiful relationship. The only question that remains … who will get custody of the gnome? It's always toughest on the gnomes.

"Ron and Kelly and Rob and Amber have not been seen since we arrived" … Meredith … you just haven't been looking behind you far enough.

"Eighty-two … no, no … yeah, yeah … never mind" … Rob / big guy disputing the scale … out of busy square, Rob finds the one guy who is sensitive about his weight. They probably edited the part out where he re-enters the weight line wearing nothing but a smile.

"Just say a prayer" … Gretchen prior to ladder climbing … a prayer for swift climbing, sure footing, and if nothing else, skilled paramedics.

"Gretchen has a lot of determination and I think she'll make it. I just hope she's okay" … Meredith … I'm sure she'll make it to the top … it's just a question of how much she leaves behind along the way.

"It's not as easy as it looks" … Gretchen … that's scary, because they way you're doing it doesn't make it look particular easy at all.

"I'm in trouble. Big trouble" … Gretchen … Gretchen might be forced to make base camp here and try for the summit in the morning.

"She's tough. She'll get up there some way" … Meredith … perhaps hoping to wear the walls down through persistent groaning.

"A 66 year old lady shouldn't be doing things like this" … Gretchen … true enough. Then again when it comes to climbing a 25 foot rope ladder into a castle, that's really something that nobody outside of the Middle Ages should be doing, either.

"We've been hanging by our nails, often because of mistakes made by other teams" … Gretchen … well, pretty much always due to their mistakes … but to be fair, winning because everybody else lost still counts as a win.

"but this time we made it on our own power and it feels great" … Gretchen … with Uchenna and Joyce's early flight arrangements only have a bit to do with it, too.

"Hopefully they've dropped their gnome somewhere" … Amber on Ron and Kelly … that's a thought. Dropping their gnome right over the front gate might not be such a bad idea after all.

"it's a very close competition. Of course, you can see Ron over there on the other tower" … Phil … he's seems to be offering some sort of gesture to you two.

"We made a stupid mistake today. We missed a flight. And that's why we're sitting here in third" … Rob … did Rob use "stupid" not referring to other teams? Can it be? Wait a minute … he called the mistake stupid, not himself. Phew, faith restored.

"So next leg, we won't miss that flight" … Rob … which will help tremendously as long as the Race decides to have the teams travel from Delhi to Istanbul again. Otherwise, not so good.
Come last, declare personal bankruptcy. CBS repo men are on their way to seize all your assets.
"you need to start the next leg of the race with zero dollars to your name" … Phil … now that's extreme. Come last, declare personal bankruptcy. CBS repo men are on their way to seize all your assets.

"You've won the grand prize. Twenty thousand dollars to spend on Travelocity. That's so you can keep your adventures going long after the Amazing Race ends" … Phil … that's being optimistic, Phil. Anything aside from a long bitterness for Ron and Kelly is a bit of crap shoot.

"You'll be going to a first class suite at the Four Seasons hotel where you'll have a chance to browse on-line for your trip" … Phil … and while you at it, looking up some relationship counselors and attorneys might not be a waste of time, either.

"I'm kind of nervous about the relationship side of Ron and I" … Kelly … kind of nervous? Is that like the Titanic being kind of nervous about the iceberg hit?

"Kelly and I are down to nothing but the clothes on our backs" … Ron … don't worry. With all the fighting you two have been doing, the emotional baggage you've got to carry now will make you forget about the backpacks pretty quickly

"If we start disintegrating our communications, then you'll see our team disintegrate and we'll be eliminated" … Ron … then it'll be a race to see who can spend the $20K on an amazing solo vacation the fastest. That should bring the communications back to life … in a censored sort of way.


Uchenna and Joyce did go through an extreme fast forward last week but it least it did buy them a huge 2 minute lead on the second and third place teams.

Ron and Kelly managed to make it a whole minute out of the pit stop before they started fighting. Not a record mind you, but these young kids are well on their way.

What is the purpose of a 24-hour travel agency? It's 3 am and you wake up with the urge for some authentic Belgian waffles … poof, you're covered.

Sanjay oddly has time to meet Rob and Amber at the beginning of this leg, too. He's either got a pretty slow job or some pretty weird sleep patterns.

With the whole early flight mix-up, it was nice to see Rob's brain used for good rather than evil for once.

Note to Ron and Kelly: Eavesdropping is very useful but only if you can hear the whole sentence.
With monkeys roaming free at the Delhi airport, it is very important to keep an eye on your bags. One glance away, and bam, you're smuggling bananas to Europe.
With monkeys roaming free at the Delhi airport, it is very important to keep an eye on your bags. One glance away, and bam, you're smuggling bananas to Europe.

Apparently all flights out of Dubai are invisible to all but the most skilled travel agents. It's the Bermuda triangle of the Arab world.

As popular as it is in Istanbul, I don't public people weighing will really get a lot of takers here. Not without the optional sledgehammer, of course.

Kudos to Meredith for scouring the tower for the clue, even going so far as to look under the antique serving tray lid. That's leaving no stone unturned … albeit perhaps violating heritage artifacts in the process.

I'm not even sure that using a radar gun would be effective in measuring Rob's reaction when he found out he was behind the other teams … the arrogant to panic emotional change was that quick.

Kind of loses that military re-enactment feel when you have to storm the tower with spotters and a convenient rope ladder.

As much drama as Phil wants to put in it, no team really had to "search the castle grounds" very hard to find the pit stop. He's on a friggin' hill, for crying out loud.

For all the times she's screamed His name, will God soon be forced to have Gretchen put Him on a "do-not-call" list?

Would have been too much to ask for fate to make Rob and Amber come in last and be forced to ask Meredith and Gretchen for money. C'mon, poetic justice … where are you?

Is there any irony that in being clever about the early flight to Turkey, Rob in retrospect became the turkey?

It's only a theory, but I'm sure CBS has a secret deal with the teams that as long as one of them uses the term "amazing" during each leg, they'll be trips for everybody in the end.