Amazing Race Rants

Amazing Race Rant — Episode Eight


“You guys probably think this is the end of the leg.” . . . Phil . . . Well, that’s one wrong thought, but, since they think they’re smarter than everyone else, too, the wrong thought has some company.

“I don’t want to hold you up.” . . . Phil . . . I’ll let the operating hours of the next challenge do that for me.
They’re coming up short on creative ideas if “crossing the street” becomes a challenge.
“Teams must now make their way across the street to the Lucknow train station.” . . . Phil . . . They’re coming up short on creative ideas if “crossing the street” becomes a challenge. Why not throw in a giant arrow blinking “Go over there!” for good measure?

“Ron and I received a clue that tells us to find the flats and that Phil’s going to be there. So we’re thinking Pit Stop Pit Stop.” . . . Kelly . . . Well, it is more productive than the whole “nag him, nag him” thought process going on and a lot nicer than the soon to come “crap crap” mantra.

“Alex and I are upset that this leg is not over, because it’s been going on for days and days. This just sucks.” . . . Lynn . . . You have my sympathy, but it is a race. It might explain why the producers didn’t go with the original “Amazing Rest” concept.

“The people of India have been so inspirational.” . . . Gretchen . . .With all the parades, cheers, and autograph hounds, Meredith & Gretchen have been inspired to hire an agent to handle public appearances.

“I think these are gay guys up in front of us.” . . . Meredith . . . Who knew Meredith had such good gaydar? The World Gay Support Network insists that somebody gay must help Meredith and Gretchen at all times, so, for now, the roles of Lynn & Alex will be played by Raj & Jugdeep.

“He was pretty cute, the one that was helping us.” . . . Gretchen . . . If you’re trying to make Meredith jealous, you’re definitely barking up the wrong tree. A quick intro to Lynn & Alex, however, and you’ve got yourself a love triangle Roadblock in the works.

“Were you a little shocked?” . . . Phil to Gretchen . . . I’ll let you know once my heart starts beating again, Phil.

“All right. Give it everything you got.” . . . Phil . . . Or at least whatever you’ve got left. These two have already paid their pound of flesh and then some.

“What’s the deal?” “You’ll figure it out.” . . . Ron, Rob on the Platform clue . . . Nice to see that, even with an eight-hour delay, Rob can still be considerate enough to make them walk all the way to the end of the platform. He must have gained at least a minute from that.

“Look, sweetheart, it boards at 21:00. We got all the time in the world.” . . . Meredith . . . Let’s hope they don’t choose to pass the time with a little spelunking.

“I love Joyce’s headscarf. Work that scarf” . . . Alex . . . A kind compliment or is Alex just looking to borrow it later?

“I’m sure it’s a short alliance, because, believe me, Rob will do whatever he can to get to that mat first.” . . . Joyce . . . Most likely true, but, with only five teams left, there’s not a whole lot of long-term anything left.

“We’re actually going to be on that train for 24 hours.” . . . Alex . . . How horrible. I can see why they were wishing for that 12-hour Pit Stop vs. having to endure resting on a train for a day.

“This whole Race has been extremely difficult for me not having all my basic little comforts that I like.” . . . Lynn . . . The Race is definitely big on adventure, but it does suck in the primping department. If it weren’t for the camera guy’s portable espresso machine, it would be a living hell for Lynn.

“Eye cream, skin cream, any cream.” . . . Lynn . . . To be racing without proper moisturization is just wrong. Walking past local drug stores without stopping must be taking all their willpower.

“I mean, at this point, I would drink my skin care if I had it with me. Toner sounds pretty delicious about now.” . . . Lynn . . . Note for future Roadblock eating challenges . . . raid Lynn’s medicine cabinet.

“I think it’s interesting to see how long I can do without them.” . . . Lynn . . . To watch a man trying to conquer fatigue, culture shock, and a severe lack of skin cleanser . . . now that’s riveting drama.

“This is what I deal with. This is what I deal with.” . . . Uchenna on scarf modeling . . . C’mon, what girl didn’t grow up playing dress up with her Uchenna doll? Lucky they swung clear of Paris and Milan . . . those evening gowns and pumps would be murder on Uchenna.

“You look like a sheik.” . . . Joyce . . . Probably one that the other sheiks would make fun of, but looking fabulous all the same.

“Rob won’t see a scary movie with me. He refuses.” . . . Amber . . . Believe me, the re-runs of Survivor are scary enough.

“This is the first time we were able to sit down with Rob & Amber and actually talk and have fun” . . . Ron . . . A refreshing change from the plotting and whispering, but the fun train will be derailing soon enough I’m afraid.

“Rob’s really humorous and Amber’s just very sweet.” . . . Ron . . . And you’re really gullible.

“This train ride gave us a chance to see what kind of people Ron & Kelly were and we actually started a real friendship.” . . . Rob . . . They’re just like the fake friendships, except with fewer nicknames and more intimate backstabbing.

“We do have a lot of respect for them.” . . . Amber on Ron & Kelly . . . To do the whole Race without having a fan base to support them has to be worth some respect.

“Is it faster to go in one of these?” . . . Rob on the motorized rickshaw . . . If you mean faster than standing around like an idiot, then, yeah, you could call it faster.

“We could share . . . maybe share.” “No, let’s just get our own room.” . . . Amber, Rob . . . Bad move, Amber. You used the “share” word. That’s soap in the mouth for you and a shower for Rob to scrub it off.

“How much would it cost for you to take me around and show me.” “Free of charge” . . . Rob, Sanjay . . . Nah, that’s still too much. How about you pay me, and I’ll let you hang around and do stuff for me?

“Alex and I came across this huge wedding, and, the next thing we know, we’re getting pulled in and dancing with these men.” . . . Lynn . . . Lynn & Alex participate in the special “bust some moves/break some hearts” Detour.

“I want to make sure that Ron & Kelly don’t steal Sanjay.” . . . Rob . . . Men do get possessive of their Sanjays, don’t they? Maybe Rob could use a bicycle lock or special “Sanjay Club” to keep him safe.

“Rob actually coerced Sanjay, the manager of the hotel, into following us for the rest of the leg.” . . . Ron . . . To be honest, he asked Sanjay, but the phrase “Rob coerced” just rolls of the tongue so easily.

“Dusty, dusty. Oooh, it’s like Cinderella’s castle.” . . . Lynn . . . Calling Cinderella’s castle dusty—I’m sensing a Disney lawsuit in the works. Plus, with all the cleaning experience, you’d think Cinderella would do a better job keeping house.

“This [the head shaving] is something performed by Hindu men and women, at least one time during their life.” . . . Phil . . . By coincidence, most fraternity pledges can say the same thing, though I suspect for completely different reasons.

“Once both team members are completely bald, they may claim the Fast Forward.” . . . Phil . . . Along with their hair and any scraps of vanity they might have left.

“It’s a pretty daunting task, but, if teams enlist the help of locals, they should be able to finish fast.” . . . Phil . . . Nothing tests racing skills better than getting a mob of people to do the task for them.

“Ok, let’s go now. We can’t just be strolling around.” . . . Amber . . . Can we pick up the pace of our sneaking around, please?
It’s an interesting gumbo of “she’s confused,” with a dose of “she’s trying to confuse you,” and, finally, a little pinch of “just because she can.”
“Honey do you have to ride in it?” “No.” “Then why is Gretchen riding in it?” . . . Rob, Amber . . . It’s an interesting gumbo of “she’s confused,” with a dose of “she’s trying to confuse you,” and, finally, a little pinch of “just because she can.”

“How do you steer it?” . . . Amber on the elephant . . . Unfortunately for Amber, neither nature nor art typically comes with a user’s manual.

“You got a steering wheel in this thing?” . . . Meredith . . . Meredith making the classic mistake of confusing a sacred elephant statue with an elaborate Hindu go-cart.

“Oh, Gretchen, you look fabulous.” . . . Lynn . . . Nothing wrong with doing a Detour in style. Think of it as a giant Indian limo.

“I wanna ride on top Alex.” . . . Lynn . . . Sorry, Lynn, but I promise to get you an ice cream after we visit the temple, ok?

“We have a bad elephant. We have a bad elephant.” . . . Gretchen . . . Remember, Gretchen, there are no bad elephants, just bad elephant drivers.

“I’m holding the elephant’s tail.” . . . Amber . . . Only a small stretch from holding an ass’s hand I expect.

“No coffee breaks here.” . . . Rob . . . Maybe a little strict given that these are all volunteers and may actually lean towards tea as the break beverage of choice.

“Big elephants go this way.” . . . Alex . . . Not to be confused with the herd of miniature elephants that just trotted by.

“It’s tough organizing Indian labor.” . . . Rob . . . Surprisingly, Rob’s grab-and-yell technique isn’t all that inspiring to the typical Indian worker.

“You will participate in a traditional Indian good-fortune ritual. Oh, I hope it’s not a head-shaving. That freaks me out.” . . . Joyce . . . Probably should have read the fine print: It’s good fortune for Indians, but, for American racers . . . not so good.

“I don’t think it’s a shaving-your-head thing.” . . . Uchenna . . . Uchenna opening with the “dismiss and pray like hell you’re right” move . . . with the “we’re here to try new things” ploy as an emergency backup.

“Is there a wise man here?” . . . Uchenna . . . Certainly not from where I’m standing. As for the “doomed to be surprised” man, we do have one candidate present.

“Help him. Help him. Help him push.” . . . Kelly . . . Or maybe start with the whole “help him stand” or even “help him keep breathing.” The push can come later.

“Run that elephant over. Please, please, please.” . . . Lynn . . . Ok, even if they weren’t in a race, does that even remotely sound like a smart idea?

“They’re in there praying.” . . . Joyce . . . They are a deceptive lot, those temple worshippers. Of course, encounters with racers has driven more than one person to devout prayer.

“Oh my God. Please don’t get us stuck here.” . . . Lynn . . . Another country, another tough neighborhood experience for Lynn. He’s just a magnet for the Tupacs of every culture.

“I should have never gotten up in that elephant, I don’t think.” . . . Gretchen . . . Yeah, I imagine mobile works of art aren’t really the safest to climb on. One good steep hill and elephant art could become an abstract expressionist mural.

“It’s ok. You had a good ride.” . . . Meredith . . . And a great view of my near–heart attack.

“Who’s ready to steer your team in the right direction?” . . . Kelly . . . At least it doesn’t mention “without arguing;” I don’t think they’re ready for that yet.

“Why is he going backwards?” . . . Amber on the camel . . . Damn camel must be stuck in reverse. A word of advice though: Be very careful when attempting to shift gears or pop the clutch on a camel; you may get more than spit as a response.

“Ugh. It’s enough to make you sick.” . . . Ron on camel collapsing . . . He’s managed to put the horrors of war behind him, but the sight of a stubborn, collapsing camel is too much for even the strongest of stomachs.

“I knew that was coming. I friggin knew it.” . . . Joyce on the head-shaving . . . On the bright side, though, at least she doesn’t have to worry about if/when it will come up anymore.

“We don’t have to do this.” “Are you kidding? After all this trouble to find this place” . . . Uchenna, Joyce . . . Kind of an extreme solution to the “well, we’re here anyway” argument.

“Honey, I don’t want you to have to do this.” “It’s already done, honey.” . . . Uchenna, Joyce . . . Sensitivity and caring in a husband is a treat. Actually displaying it before they cut a chunk of hair off . . . now, that’s priceless.

“I knew this was coming. I told you it.” . . . Joyce . . . It’s one of those “I told you so” arguments that you really didn’t want to win.

“Well, you get to see me bald, honey.” . . . Joyce . . . I’m going out a limb here that Uchenna has ranked this particular wish way down low.

“It’s ok. It’s just hair. It’ll come back.” . . . Joyce . . . A very grown up attitude as she begins to strangle Uchenna with a French braid.

“It’s just outward appearances right?” . . . Joyce . . . And who really judges us on those anyway?

“This is rough. This is very rough.” . . . Uchenna on the head-shaving . . . Uchenna is either having a tough time dealing with the task or he’s throwing out some “you missed a spot” advice to the barber.
Don’t worry, Uchenna. I’m sure Joyce will feel the same way on the upcoming “body waxing” Roadblock that you’ll be doing.
“Watching Joyce getting her hair cut off, my heart was breaking.” . . . Uchenna . . . Don’t worry, Uchenna. I’m sure Joyce will feel the same way on the upcoming “body waxing” Roadblock that you’ll be doing.

“He’s pissed.” . . . Rob on the camel . . . Finally, a Rupert fan surfaces and fights back.

“Whoa! Their camel is going nuts.” . . . Ron . . . He’s definitely doing his best to vote Amber out of the cart. Amber, the animal kingdom has spoken.

“I’ve got a big forehead like you now, honey.” . . . Joyce . . . I believe that trying to find common interests and activities is good for couples, but his and hers haircuts might be pushing the envelope a bit too far.

“It seemed like there was this blossoming happening with Joyce.” . . . Uchenna . . . Which occurred right after the harvesting, apparently.

“The more hair that came off, she just got brave.” . . . Uchenna . . . Or just resigned to her fate. They both kind of look the same.

“I was overwhelmed with pride.” . . . Uchenna . . . Seemed there was quite a bit of overwhelming going on with this Fast Forward . . . and not all of was it positive.

“Express gratitude for good fortune. Thank you for the good fortune.” . . . Joyce . . . The good fortune of still being in the Race and being immune from any lice outbreaks.

“There’s been a lot of Black women that have shaved their heads and they still look beautiful.” . . . Joyce . . . And they did it by choice! You can fall back on the “You’d do it for a million dollars, too,” defense; at least you’d get nods with the stares.

“My inner beauty will have to come out and shine.” . . . Joyce . . . In the meantime, Uchenna’s scarf and a bandana will do quite nicely, thank you.

“Where’s your other person?” . . . Sanjay . . . Sanjay doesn’t impress easily. How much money do you have to win in reality TV to get a ranking above “the other person?”

“Honey, that hurt my bottom so bad, but it’s so much fun.” . . . Kelly . . . Ah, a double entendre worthy of FOX TV.

“He does not want to be racing today.” . . . Amber on the camel . . . But he’s pumped up for some wandering, backing up, and generally bitching at Amber. I think Lynn has found his animal soul-mate.

“Sorry, honey. We got a obstinate camel.” . . . Gretchen . . . And a very loud partner. You’d think the camel would be racing just to get out of earshot.

“Talk nice to the camel.” . . . Gretchen . . . He could try “What manly humps you have,” or “I enjoy your cigarette brand very much,” but I think “When this is over, you can trample Gretchen,” might be the keeper.

“Gretchen, come on!” “All right, quit shouting at me” . . . Meredith, Gretchen . . . Keep it down, Meredith. Her ears are still ringing from all the shouting she’s done.

“For God’s sake, we’ve never acted like this with each other.” . . . Gretchen . . . You know the stress is getting to you when you can’t even enjoy the simple pleasure of competitive camel racing without arguing.

“C’mon, let’s run.” “Run the wrong way?” “Run any way, just run.” . . . Alex, Lynn . . . Smart plan, Alex. It’s good exercise, plus Lynn will be too exhausted to yell at you later on.

“Where is everyone?” . . . Alex . . . You might be at the wrong spot, but, more likely, it’s the other teams and the entire production crew that have gotten lost. How unprofessional is that?

“I have no more nails to bite.” “I’m going to have to start on my toenails.” . . . Alex, Lynn . . . Or let’s just say we did, and don’t. I’m sure most of America appreciates leaving that imagery off their TVs.
Apparently, the only thing quick in this leg was Gretchen’s ability to blame everything else.
“We had a slow elephant, a slow rickshaw, and a slow camel.” . . . Gretchen . . . Apparently, the only thing quick in this leg was Gretchen’s ability to blame everything else.

“You wanna show him?” “No.” “Show him.” “No” . . . Uchenna, Joyce on showing her new hair to Phil . . . Give it time, Uchenna. The whole bald-pride thing is a new concept for her. Maybe she wants a quick scalp polish and shine before she starts showing off the new look.

“You are the team that will never quit.” . . . Phil . . . No matter how many obstacles and rock slides we throw in your way.

“We were running behind everybody’s dust again.” . . . Gretchen . . . You can still see Lynn & Alex’s dust at the palace way over there.

“You are officially the oldest team to ever have made it this far in the Amazing Race.” . . . Phil . . . The previous teams either being not determined enough to make it this far or too smart to want to drive themselves into the ground.

“I can’t imagine anything that would compare to the joy that we received from the people on this Race and the people that we’ve met throughout this world” . . . Lynn . . . You mean people like Rob, Amber, and that Tupac guy from South Africa? Must have been “inside” joy he felt for them.

“Lynn reminds me every day how much we accomplished together, how much we have, and how much we have to look forward to.” . . . Alex . . . And, hopefully, that future will contain re-grown fingernails and a bevy of fine skin care products.


Finding Platform 2 . . . pretty easy. Now, finding Platform 9 ¾, that’s a challenge. I must admit it might be fun watching Rob & Amber trying to run through a brick wall, though.

Note to Gretchen: Yelling, “Hallelujah!” in a room of Hindu office workers might not be the fastest way to endear yourself to the locals.

What was the point in delivering a clue at 1:00 A.M. that states the racers will be on the train for another 21 hours? It would have probably kept until breakfast I think . . . plus the clue delivery guy might have cheered up a bit.

Business must really be hopping for Sanjay if he can just close up shop and give Rob & Amber a daytime tour.

Street dancing, parades, and fireworks. Say what you will, but Hindu weddings certainly have some flash to ’em.

Note to Meredith & Gretchen: When pushing a 600-pound elephant, try to get people over the age of 8 to help. Not adding 100 pounds by riding on top might help, too.

Did the Hindu priests, seeing Gretchen yelling and screeching on top of her elephant, have a moment when they thought, I betcha the Buddhists don’t have to put up with this crap.
Curious that the temple had elephant parking. You would figure: Hey, I’m an elephant; I’ll park wherever I damn well please.
Curious that the temple had elephant parking. You would figure: Hey, I’m an elephant; I’ll park wherever I damn well please.

Just how many temples do you really need around one lake?

Uchenna & Joyce got lucky with their Fast Forward. Sure, she lost her hair, but, thanks to Uchenna’s head, they managed to finish in half the time.

Would it have been so wrong for Uchenna to ask for a trim from the barber? I mean, he’s there anyway, and it might help with the whole husband-wife bonding thing.

Was it more dramatic for Joyce to lose her hair or to have the barber charge her $50 for the new style?

Leave it to Meredith & Gretchen to find the one senior citizen camel that needs to take a rest on the track.

Anyone can go forward at the finish line. It takes a very special bad-boy camel to go backwards and start doing doughnuts on the track.

Famous last question of Lynn & Alex . . . “C’mon. What are the odds of having two palaces with the same name in this town?”

Was Phil’s welcomer just a little bit stiff or was he having trouble with the cue cards?

Again, a little cheap of CBS to give no prize to Uchenna & Joyce for first place. It’s still better than their original choice of five free salon visits, though.