Amazing Race Rants

Amazing Race Rant — Episode Seven


“This is Khwai village. Home to a community of bushmen in Northern Botswana” … Phil … and with the arrival of the racers, the #1 occupation has now become jeep towing and repair.
Race momentum is a little choppy but the “I’m going to kill you” momentum is rolling along nicely, thank you.
“Will the increasing tension between Ron and Kelly affect their momentum?” … Phil … it depends. Race momentum is a little choppy but the “I’m going to kill you” momentum is rolling along nicely, thank you.

“And can retired couple Meredith and Gretchen continue to beat the odds and stay in the race?” … Phil … maybe, but any more legs of beating the odds, and they better watch out that the Las Vegas bookies don’t put out a hit on them.

“This is the point in the race where things are going to start to get tougher” … Rob … I can imagine. It has to be tough on Rob when no one is left that will believe the lies and deceit … paging Ron and Kelly.

“One little mistake can be the end of you” … Rob … and if that mistake is crossing Rob, you better believe the end won’t be pretty.

“Kelly and I sat down and talked a lot about what been going on in the last couple of legs” … Ron … it was a whirlwind of arguing, whining, and a few bible re-writes.

“We’re trying to do what we can to make the communication work out more smooth” … Ron … I really hope a vow of silence option was considered.

“Every couple has their little spats” … Kelly … though I must admit the arguments and pouting over who gets to milk the goat might be few and far between for most couples.

“Ron and I both need to work on how to communicate better when the stress level is high” … Kelly … not to mention when farm animals are present.

“Joyce and I have found a groove working together that’s going to be instrumental in us getting that million bucks at the end” … Uchenna … grooves can be useful … just be wary of other teams throwing rocks down at you.

“It’s going to be instrumental to keep that type of harmony as we move forward in our life” … Uchenna … a little tougher in real life, unless they were planning on having regular grocery shopping roadblocks, or mow the lawn/vacuum the house detours.

“Every day, we have to deal with so much adversity and I know it’s a big cliché but adversity brings you closer together” … Lynn … sadly though, half the time you want to be closer just to smack your partner.

“We are so amazing." "Now that’s a big cliché” … Lynn / Alex … cliché or not, CBS does apparently love a show promoting sound bite.

“Meredith and I never dreamed we would make this many legs in the race” … Gretchen … or even still have use of them at this point.

“Now the competition is like ferocious lions. And I know although they’re nice to our face, we know they don’t care if we’re knocked off or not” … Gretchen … too true … though I wasn’t aware that some lions actually suck up to you first before eating you.

“We all got on the same flight. Now we don’t want to break a hip” … Meredith … given their injury track record, who could blame them for being a little more attentive to details like body fractures.

“Say goodbye to Africa." "Adios, Africa” … Amber / Rob … and unless that Cessna prop plane grows a jet engine, get ready to say “Hello again, Africa” in a couple of hours.

“Wow. It’s really an Indiana Jones thing going” … Uchenna … minus all those nagging native blowdarts that can really screw up a good take-off.

“Alex and I had never been on a little tiny Cessna before” … Lynn … preferring those trans-Atlantic jumbo Cessnas, I guess.

“We got to see Botswana as we flew over it” … Lynn … a picturesque landscape of wildlife, rivers, and broken down jeeps.

“It looks like the postcard Africa” … Uchenna … that must have been Brian and Greg holding up the “Wish you were down here” sign, then.

“Texas has a big big sky, but wow! You’ve got to see Botswana” … Uchenna … when you think big, Texas and Botswana are at the top of the list.

“Please give me an hour so that I issue the tickets” … ticket agent … sounds reasonable, given how swamped with work she must be. You have to arrive two hours early at this airport cause it takes an hour just to get the tickets.

“Do you have a cell phone that we can borrow for five seconds” … Alex … a simple trip to the airport and poof, harassed by phone obsessed American tourists. She’s taking the train next time.

“What’s Rob doing in there behind the counter at the computer?” … Alex … the possibilities are endless but downloading porn or checking the Bo Sox scores are likely candidates.

“Bombay and Mumbai is the same, yeah?” … Rob … don’t worry, Rob. I’m sure the gained knowledge is only temporary. The scheming/lying brain portions will push that out in no time.

“When he (Rob) was up in the front, he was trying to shave everybody off” … Uchenna … that’s true. Rob has only tried that two other times … when he was in the middle and when he was in the back.

“Should we try for that one?" "It gets in 5 minutes earlier." "Oh, I hear ya” … Rob / Ron … when Rob has to try and explain the concept of time to Ron, it marks one of the strangest meeting of the minds ever on the Race.
Johnny Cochran came up with that one … if the agent won’t do her job, put the blame on Rob.
“If they say why not, just point to me. And don’t worry about it.” … Rob to ticket agent … the famous “point at Rob” defense. Johnny Cochran came up with that one … if the agent won’t do her job, put the blame on Rob.

“I’ll smile right at ‘em” … Rob …having the triple effect of intimidating, annoying, and effective clearing the airport in one stroke.

“Why are you doing this for us?" "Because we want you guys in the finals with us” … Meredith / Lynn … you’re a nice couple, an inspiration to us all, and you might be the only ones we can beat in a sprint to the finish.

“They’re definitely manipulative as anyone I’ve ever met in my entire life” … Ron on Rob and Amber … and keep in mind, he’s dealt with Iraqi intelligence and prison guards. They probably have a portrait of Rob hanging somewhere for inspiration.

“Yeah, but at the same time … keep your enemies closer” … Kelly on Rob and Amber … close is good … just don’t let them get behind you within knifing range.

“Our relationship with Ron and Kelly is definitely one of mutual respect and friendship for each other” … Rob … and nothing will mess that up until they get in our way.

“When Ron and I were not winning, we were everybody’s friend. And now that we’re starting to come first and second a lot and we’re up at the top along with Rob and Amber, nobody’s our friend anymore” … Kelly … befriending Rob and Amber does kind of bring a leper-like status to people. Don’t worry though … nobody stays friends with Rob and Amber for too long.

“It’s obvious to see that nobody wants to be with Rob and I and nobody’s want to be with Ron and Kelly because they see us as the frontrunners in the race” … Amber … it is possible that all this dislike is due to jealously … but that would go against all the “you’re jerks” evidence that has been building up.

“Rob and Amber. Ron and Kelly. We feel like they may know things that we don’t know” … Uchenna … and probably more than a few things you don’t want to know. Ignorance is definitely bliss in this case.

“We feel confident that we’re going to at least get to where we need to go” … Lynn … well, seeing as that is really up to the pilot, I guess they are justified in their confidence. Once they hit the ground, all bets are off, however.

“There hasn’t been any sharing” … Uchenna … the other teams may win and take home the million dollars but they certainly have failed kindergarten.

“They’ve been sharing and we’ve shared back” … Uchenna on Lynn and Alex … if this keeps up, they’re likely to start their own reality contestant commune once they’re back home.

“I need a backpack." "Why don’t you check around?” … Gretchen / Meredith … probably a lot of unattended bags around and who would suspect Gretchen, the Artful Dodger of the seniors crowd.

“Do you give a senior citizens’ discount?” … Gretchen to bag clerk … never hurts to ask but when the clerk start laughing at you, it’s a safe bet that you have just entered a sellers’ market.

“Mow ‘em down like grass” … Ron to the cabbie … competitive vigor or army flashback. Only time will tell on that one but luckily most cabs and rickshaws don’t come armed.

“The only thing I can equate this to is this is kind of like when everyone was trying to get the heck out of Baghdad because it was being bombed” … Ron … I guess somebody let it slip that the racers were coming to town. Who can blame them for panicking?

“You got a lotta gas, huh?” … Rob to cabbie … petrol or fuel might have been a better choice. It’s avoids responses like “No, not me sir. It must be the cows outside.”

“So 400 ruples?” … Lynn … a ruple? I guess if Russian and Indian currency decided to have a love child, that might be the result

“I have no idea what you’re saying” … Alex … don’t worry. While most of it is about you, there are a few general Hindi insults about tourists in there, too, just for fun.

“They’re using a lot of words I don’t know, honey” … Meredith … yeah, unfortunately most common phrases books don’t include sentences like “how much can we take the old couple for? Double? Triple?”

“This guy has all that money that he needs” … Meredith … so he’s driving a cab just for the fun of it then?

“And this other guy who’s trying to stiff us” … Meredith … a dishonest cabbie? Damn it, India … where are your standards?

“Everybody pushing, shoving, and yelling." "Get use to it” … Meredith / Gretchen … a drawback to a country with a billion people. Even your personal space is shared with a group of people.

“So we got to put the headdress on cause it’s the custom. And we’re all about the customs” … Rob … a shame there aren’t more “drag the Boston guy across the hot coals” customs in India. Maybe once they get back to the US.

“No yelling. No running inside” … Amber … what’s with these downer locations. Would a Frisbee toss or quick game of hacky sack really be that blasphemous?

“So some guy built this for his girlfriend” … Rob … hope his wife didn’t find out.

“Or for himself” … Amber … it’s a pretty big place for just one guy, though. Worthy of MTV cribs for sure.

“Imagine if I built you a place. It’d look twice as nice” … Rob … made of bamboo and palm leaves, no doubt, but at least the books would be stacked nicely.

“I’m seeing all men. The women are not playing a big role in the programme here” … Uchenna … given the state of the traffic, they may not have a big role, but it’s probably the smarter role.

“I love driving through this traffic. It’s waking me up. It’s exciting “ … Lynn … and the lack of airbags in the cab will prevent him from nodding off after the head-on collision.

“Now we got to find it. What are we looking for?” … Amber … green box with a ribbon on it. Maybe you’ve seen them from time to time on the race.

“Gotta get to that yield first cause if they are any type of players at all, they’d yield us” … Rob … it’s a strange situation for Ron. He’s risking losing the respect of Rob if he’s nice to him.

“It’s definitely a new way to travel” … Amber on the tonga … new might not be the way to describe something that’s been around for centuries. Maybe it’s more “retro.”

“Me with my Muslim look” … Joyce … colourful, stylish, and it does work with the locale a little nicer than a baseball cap.
Somewhere in Hollywood, Charlton Heston is making notes and polishing a gun.
“I feel like Ben Hur." "I don’t know who that is” … Alex / Lynn … somewhere in Hollywood, Charlton Heston is making notes and polishing a gun. Maybe they can find a copy at the Lucknow Blockbuster somewhere in the Christian dogma section.

“This might not be elimination, so why chance it?” … Rob to Ron on using the yield … let’s see … because we’d still be in the lead, because you’d do it, because it would feel really good … take your pick, Rob.

“If I were in their position, I’d probably yield them” … Rob … it’s only “probably”? Rob must be getting tired or starting to mellow out a bit.

“Luckily for them they’re not the brightest bulbs on the Christmas tree” … Rob … well, I wouldn’t exactly rank Rob at the “Christmas Star” level, either. He’s somewhere between tinsel and tacky ornament.

“Who’s has a lot of patience?" "That would be you. Well, that’s not you really” … Kelly / Ron … way to inspire, Ron. Try to remember that communication sometimes works best when there is less of it.

“Who’s has a lot of patience? I have to do it” … Amber … probably a good choice. Patience is a virtue after all, and that’s a bit of a reach for Rob.

“Will you holler if you see one, and I’ll holler if I see one” … Kelly to Amber on the clues … no problem. However, given that there is only one clue per box, it might be hollers of joy with a “see ya sucker” thrown in.

“Is that helping” … Alex on Lynn’s fan waving the tonga driver … well, apart from giving the driver a taste of what AC feels like, probably not.

“They have the most unbelievable luck I’ve ever seen of anybody in my entire life” … Ron on Rob and Amber … learning that while faith can move mountains, having a guardian angel on the take can really help, too.

“It’s unreal. That’s why we should have yielded them” … Ron … see that’s what differs great ideas from good ones … the fact that you think of them before it’s too late to do anything about.

“Rob and Amber didn’t yield us. I have no idea why” … Alex … well you’re in third right now already, so it seems you’re doing fine being slow on your own. Plus, as shocking as it sounds, you might not be the focus of Rob and Amber’s world. There’s a lesson in there somewhere.

“I think I’ve opened every doggone box there is” … Gretchen … except for maybe the six that have clues in them.

“We’re headed for some gas station under a bridge” … Kelly … time for the “wash car/change oil” detour, followed up by the “avoid mugger” roadblock.

“There’s, like, donkey crap all over the place” … Ron … probably more like cow crap …and that’s sacred cow crap to you, Ron.

“I disagree with that, Ron, but I’ll go and do it. I’ll make it known that I disagree with that” … Kelly … because of Kelly, all future camera crews will include a team stenographer.

“I love to wave at the people. I wish I had something to throw at them” … Lynn … or maybe try “to them” instead as the smiling, waving guy beaning me with stuff from the rickshaw makes for a pretty good mobbing target.

“This is the way to see the city for real." "Ow, my butt hurts” … Lynn / Alex … apparently their memories of India will include the landmarks, the people, and the rickshaw sores.

“Do you have a business card? Do you have a business card? Do you have a business card? Do you have a business card?” … Rob … the process of elimination will probably take a long time, but at least he’s identified a strong market for business card salesmen in this building.

“Believe me, I’ll bust down the door” … Ron on delivering tea … tea delivery, Army style. Your name better be on this list or else I strongly urge you to change it.

“Do you know where I can find any of these people? They’re really thirsty for some tea” … Alex … from tea delivery detour to a life and death struggle to get thirsty people their tea. My God, I hope they make in time before the people consider switching to Sanka.

“This is like a total gym cardio workout. Step aerobics” … Lynn on climbing stairs … and those employees don’t even have to pay the gym membership fees. Their fitness plan has the clever marketing name of “that’s life.”

“This clue is written a little bit differently. It never says it’s the pit stop” … Amber … either it’s another twist to the game, or the clue writers have begun charging by the word.

“I thought it was close by." "Has anything in this race ever been close by?” … Ron / Kelly … see that’s all part of the silly “seeing things and doing things” element to the show. I imagine localizing the Amazing Race to a six-block radius of Chicago would be fun but maybe not quite Amazing.

“Oh, you look all tired, sir” … owner to Uchenna … concern for the racer’s well-being or a brazen attempt to sell a tourist some tea. You be the judge.

“What if Gretchen and Meredith tore through the coal or something” … Lynn … I admit anything is possible with Gretchen and Meredith, but it’s more likely the only thing they’ll be tearing through is their ligaments.

“I could drink some of this." "I could drink some of this, too” … Meredith / Gretchen on tea … you never seem to get a drinking or eating challenge when you really need one.

“Shame on you. Shame on you for taking the tea. He took your tea” … Gretchen / Meredith … putting a guilt trip on the guy, and starting an office dispute to boot. Their days in the tea delivery business might be numbered at this point.

“The man told us he was Raj." "He wanted tea too bad” … Gretchen / Meredith … everybody does have a price, but to fake a name for a cup of tea. He either needs it more than Raj does or Rob has a distant cousin in India we don’t know about.

“He was pointing right there." "He’s been pointing for the last 20 minutes” … Ron / Kelly … give him a break, Kelly. He might just be showing off some one handed bike riding, or demonstrating his impressive human compass skills.


I’m surprised at the Khwai village, somebody didn’t come up with the idea for a “build a bridge” roadblock. Wrong country, but still imaginative.

Lucknow, India. Could there be a city name that was designed for Rob better than that one? Except for perhaps Hell, Michigan.

Speaking of hell, did it get a bit colder there when Rob complimented the other teams?
That was certainly a tense and dramatic first few minutes … watching each team slowly make their way over to the clipboard and sign up for the SAME charter flight.
That was certainly a tense and dramatic first few minutes … watching each team slowly make their way over to the clipboard and sign up for the SAME charter flight.

Was the Francistown airport sign pointing towards the runway for the benefit of the passengers or a final check for the pilots?

I don’t know who Alex was calling outside the airport but I’m guessing the roaming charges in rural Francistown must be pretty bad. He might need to win the million to pay back the phone owner.

If having Rob never get another early flight means that I won’t have to see a little Rob victory dance again, I know what I’ll be cheering for.

The Amazing Race environmental policy for Africa … take only pictures and leave only destroyed and broken vehicles.

Is there an Amazing quota that at least one team every season has to get into a cab that’s running on empty?

Sometimes it’s good to embrace the customs of a country … and other times asking “can I wear my baseball cap instead of the scarf?” works, too.

Why does a steel emporium have such a big collection of tin boxes?

Is there any irony in taking a bicycle rickshaw to a gas station?
Was there any department that wasn’t present in that building? Short of Silly Walks, they jammed quite a lot into three floors.
Was there any department that wasn’t present in that building? Short of Silly Walks, they jammed quite a lot into three floors.

Nice to see India is shying away from a “cubicle” office concept and going with more of a “long table for everybody” theme. You could feel the team synergy go on.

If there ever was a building in need of a lobby and receptionist, it was this one.

If the office workers ever find out about instant tea makers, a whole industry will be destroyed.

With autographs and cheering crowds for Meredith and Gretchen, it was nice to find a country where Rob and Amber haven’t established a fan club yet.

I’m not sure if attempting to steal someone else’s tea while on camera will go down as the work of a master criminal. They sit at the same table for crying out loud … you don’t think Raj is going to find out? Don’t tell Raj, pass it on.

Why would you be hoping the pit stop is on top of a three-story apartment building? The saltpans looked comfier by comparison.

Phil giving out clues … a sign of a twist in the game or does CBS have some serious clue giver union troubles?