Amazing Race Rants

Amazing Race Rant — Episode Six


“This giant saltpan, reminiscent of the surface of the moon, was the pit stop in a race around the world” … Phil … not really a cheerful place. Kind of reinforces that the moon is pretty to look at but you definitely wouldn’t want to live there. Never knew that green cheese had such a high sodium content, though.
Pounding corn is easy … getting along is tough.
“Despite their first place finish, will Ron and Kelly’s relationship be able to withstand the challenges ahead?” … Phil … or is Ron and Kelly’s relationship the biggest challenge ahead? Pounding corn is easy … getting along is tough.

“And will brothers Brian and Greg remain in last place, or will their determination move them closer to the front of the pack?” … Phil … who knows, but I think they should first focus their determination on keeping their car in the upright position.

“Today I was reading the love chapter in the Bible and I was substituting my name and the word for ‘love’” … Kelly … with God polishing up the old lightning bolt of blasphemy. If I had meant Kelly, I would have written Kelly!

“And I was saying Kelly is kind, Kelly is patient, Kelly is forgiving” … Kelly … must have skimmed over the part of that chapter where love was also whinny, nagging, and a little useless.

“And really I tried to read that and think about how I’m going to treat Ron today” … Kelly … but with Ron reading the “shut up and let me drive” chapter, her plan might fall apart pretty quickly.

“Honestly, I haven’t given our relationship a whole lot of thought on the race” … Ron … except for the daily reminders of how she might not be the girl for me.

“We’re not really arguing all that much, just a little spat here and there” … Ron … ah, poor naïve Ron. An upset and scorned beauty queen? … Iraq is going to seem like a little spat in comparison.

“At this point the gloves are off and we’re playing for ourselves” … Rob … did I miss the episode where Rob donated a kidney to all the other teams?

“I mean we have no friends left in this game” … Rob … except the camera guy, but he’s getting paid.

“We’re gonna do what we got to do to make sure we don’t get eliminated” … Rob … with the smoldering remains of the rule book in their campfire, Rob sets out on his day.

“But it’s nothing like what it feels like to put your feet on the soil where your ancestors are from” … Uchenna … luckily, the ancestors were smart enough to look at the saltpan and put their feet to good use walking away.

“Lynn and I play the game different, I believe, from the way the other teams play the game” … Alex … nobody culture bashes quite like we do. Plus our Rob and Amber voodoo dolls are a nice touch, too.

“I hear the other teams tend to bicker a lot. I hear they play the game more dirty” … Alex … whereas we just try to be a little bit of everything … like a buffet.

“We’re good honest players. We’re just sneaky” … Alex … and with Lynn’s laugh, that’s not easy to do.

“I see some fresh tracks." "Yeah, I noticed those fresh tracks earlier. I could smell ‘em” … Brian / Greg … eew. Just what were these teams driving through, anyways? And this sibling rivalry. What’s next … Brian claiming that he heard the tracks?

“Big old wise bushman from the other day taught me how to read tracks” … Brian … Brian unfortunately misinterpreting the bushman’s advice of “Keep your eyes on the road.”

“Another sunrise, G. Yup. I’ve seen some many sunrises with you, it’s amazing. We should be dating” … Brian / Greg … what state are these guys from again? Too bad the female teams were eliminated early cause it sounds like the pit stops are getting a little too lonely for the brothers.

“The clue said follow the route markers, right?” … Ron … always a safe bet, but if you see a highway sign pointing to the town, the producers felt that a “turn here, stupid” marker might be a bit much.

“Have I gotten on your nerves a lot?" "No, not at all. Not a bit” … Kelly / Ron … after escaping from one war, Ron wisely manages to avoid starting another. Who knew the military’s torture training would come in so handy in civilian life?

“They’re not like the normal animal crossing, like a deer or a ram” … Amber … and they have the added bonus that if you hit one of these animals, they’re pretty likely to get up, kick the crap out of you, and have a nice dinner to boot.

“I’ve always had an idea of things I’d like to do before I die, and going on an African safari is one of them” … Amber … with making decisions and having an independent thought also making the top ten.

“We’re just trying to keep all of it in our head to remember everything” … Rob … as memories vs ego battle for space in Rob’s head. As long as he remembers using small words, he should be okay.

“We’re the two luckiest people in the world” … Amber … and the rest of us are pretty lucky, too, that they found each other … for containment purposes if nothing else.

“Oh thank, you cow cow." "How now brown cow” … Lynn / Alex … nothing brings on the urge to stampede like silly cow talk. At least they didn’t roll the window down and yell “Moo.”
Just think of them as pedestrians, except with short tempers and big appetites.
“It’s weird when there are animals crossing the road” … Lynn … a little weird. Just think of them as pedestrians, except with short tempers and big appetites.

“Stick it on your head and walk. You’re the ballet girl” … Ron … makes you wonder if the last ballet Ron saw involved floppy shoes and red noses

“You do ballet. You should know how to do this” … Ron … after all, what would Swan Lake be without its swan balancing finale?

“I don’t balance buckets on my head and do pirouettes” … Kelly … that’s for professionals only. Kelly never advanced beyond the “plies with a sand pail” level.

“Milk a cup out of a goat?" "This should be very amusing.” … Rob / Amber … for us definitely, but a little distressing for the goats. Amateur hands tugging is not the ideal way to start your milking day.

“We got to climb it (the water tower), Greg?" "Maybe. Go up there and see” … Brian / Greg … and don’t come down till you find the “you idiots” route marker on top.

“It says your next clue is under the water tower." "Under?” … Greg / Brian … man, if these guys are packing shovels, we could be in for a long morning.

“So I’m climbing the water tower for no reason” … Brian … don’t knock it. It’s good exercise, and think of the laughter you’ve brought millions of viewers.

“Who said the Smith brothers had no sense of direction?” … Greg … probably the last person that gave them directions … and the one before that … and the one before that.

“Good boy” … Ron to the goat … maybe I’m old fashioned, but trying to milk a boy goat is just wrong, and calling a girl goat “boy” is a sure way to experience a horn sharpness demonstration.

“If you could just balance a bucket on your head, we wouldn’t be doin’ this” … Ron … the man’s definitely got some high standards for a girlfriend. She better brush up on her juggling skills before she meets his parents.

“Ok. It’s all fun and games, right” … Rob to the tribe … pretty much, but don’t forget the laughing and the pointing, too. It’s a package deal.

“Watch your horn, buddy” … Rob to the goat … this milk giving/gender confusion is pretty rampant. Rob might want to look over a few books before he makes any baby rearing promises to Amber that he can’t back up.

“I love this car. To be able to handle all this dirt and mud and sand. It’s weird they don’t have them in LA." "Why would you need one of these in LA?” … Alex / Lynn … why would you need anything useless in LA? Simple … because you can.

“We are definitely in Africa” … Uchenna … buying those maps is paying off big time.

“You just watch the animals. If one darts out in front of us, we’re in bad shape” … Gretchen … it’s no bed of roses for the animal, either. And it would be just their luck to hit an animal that doesn’t have insurance.

“We’re playing like dummies today” … Brian … it’s not that bad. Hell, you can even say the idea of racing without reading the clues is just your way of bucking the system and fighting the bureaucracy. Or maybe it’s just dumb.

“We can still come back. We’re not going to quit. We’re going to kick some butt today, how about that?” … Greg / Brian … now if they can only find somebody’s butt to kick besides their own, they might have a chance.

“The other one’s jealous. He wants a turn” … Rob on the goats … careful, Rob. I’m not sure what that male goat is after, but it’s leading this detour into dangerous waters.

“Do you want me to squeeze any of it?" "I want you to hold the goat is all” … Kelly / Ron … and if you have any spare time, feel free to pent up some more rage.

“Here’s a goat that has nice big tits” … Gretchen … it’s a perfectly natural statement, but just hearing it from Gretchen gives me the willies.

“Honey, I don’t know if we’ll be able to do this." "It’s just like modeling” … Alex / Lynn … and with spring approaching, we can only wonder what the top designers have in mind for buckets and corn baskets this year.

“I mean Uchenna and Joyce are really born to do that” … Lynn … ah, nothing like a stereotype to add some charm to a detour. They’re lucky the tribe doesn’t dust off the old “white explorers in the giant boiling pot” chestnut for good measure.

“Ron’s being a real drill sergeant. He doesn’t realize he adds more frustration to me” … Kelly … don’t worry, Kelly. I might be going out on a limb here, but I’m sure that he’s going to be finding that out soon enough … right after he gets the goat horn in the ass.
Talk to the hoof, cause the horn ain’t listening.
“Hey. Stop it! Seriously!” … Lynn to the goats … livestock … they can be such bitches sometimes. Talk to the hoof, cause the horn ain’t listening.

“Just feel the water, sweetie” … Uchenna … going for a moment of Zen, but sadly the feel of the water is just what Joyce is trying to avoid experiencing.

“Concentrate on the bucket. Don’t worry about the other teams” … Uchenna … nice timing. Thanks for bringing that up now. Are there any other things you’d like to mention that I shouldn’t be thinking about?

“I would have liked to have tried milking one, though." "You should have gotten down there in the beginning and done it. I wouldn’t have cared” … Kelly / Ron … apparently once a man has bonded with his goat, no woman can tear them apart. She might want to contain Ron to the big cities to avoid these awkward love triangles in the future.

“The village people from my father’s village do the same thing. I’ve seen it a thousand times” … Uchenna … yes, but watching and doing are two different things. That’s why after watching ER for years, I’m still not quite comfortable strapping on the gloves.

“Hey, my African roots are kicking in” … Uchenna … just in time to leave the continent tomorrow. Better late than never, I guess.

“I have a whole new appreciation for goat’s cheese now” … Alex … the goat probably has an appreciation now for the milk maid’s hands as well. A few grab, pull, and bends will do that to a goat.

“Don’t spill a drop or I’ll kill ya” … Gretchen … and this is just milk! Stay away from red wine over a carpet, Meredith, unless you like living dangerously.

“They’re going to get lost, okay. They’re so stupid” … Alex … so stupid that they’ll probably forget to wave as they leave the detour with you still holding a goat’s tit in your hand.

“How many gay guys does it take to milk a goat” … Alex … not sure. Apparently it takes more than two to do it effectively, though.

“We need some Frosted Flakes or some Cheerios” … Greg on goat milking … who knew a detour could be part of a complete breakfast? Not sure where there going to get the cereal from, but their goat’s looking a bit nervous.

“I think the difference between me & Rob and Ron & Kelly is that Rob and I use teamwork” … Amber … with our team being made up of Rob, Amber, and whichever Survivor fan we meet this week.

“Kelly didn’t want to get her pretty little hands dirty, I think, while my girl went in there and got the job done” … Rob … unlike I did at the balancing challenge.
A little practice with some good marketing and Brian and Greg may have Africa’s first mobile Starbucks.
“Make a latte here with all the foam. Got a little cappuccino” … Greg … a little practice with some good marketing and Brian and Greg may have Africa’s first mobile Starbucks.

“We’re coming through in the clutch” … Brian … For sure. The brothers are definitely dominating last place. They own it.

“One team member has to navigate the team’s vehicle through this crocodile infested river crossing” … Phil … while the other serves as bait and/or filler. A roadblock courtesy of the Crocodile Hunter.

“The paths are blocked by trees knocked over by elephants” … Phil … hopefully they’re gone cause they’ve got a taste for smashing stuff now, and those Land Rovers look mighty tempting.

“I’m happy now. I got to see the elephant” … Gretchen … on the verge of elimination, Gretchen still finds time to play some backseat African animal bingo.

“I’m not a really good stick shift driver” … Alex … when you’re about to cross a crocodile filled river, now may not be the right time to share that weakness.

“He gave us a little “ … Brian on the elephant … loosely translated from elephantese as “I’m rooting for you guys, but you really suck.”

“Kelly … chill for a minute” … Ron … very considerate of Ron to let her have some time to let the anger build up. She’ll now be able to more effectively tell him off without wasting time.

“I have nothing to say to you now” … Kelly … but I’ll just keep on saying it to you anyway.

“You need a new attitude” … Kelly … or a new partner, but rules are rules. Is the goat still available, by the way?

“I really don’t think I said, shut the f#$% up” … Ron … but now that you mention it, it does kind of do the trick doesn’t it. The right word can apparently move mountains and silence Kelly, too.

“You’ve been acting like a jerk to me all day. You’re a piece of trash redneck” … Kelly … well, someone had to fill the redneck void with Ryan and Chuck gone. On the plus side though, at least Kelly is now able to wear her “girlfriend of the piece of trash redneck” t-shirt with some pride.

“Oh my god, that’s like a … I don’t even know” … Lynn on the mystery animal … 300 million in box office receipts, two sequels, and a Broadway musical, and Lynn still has trouble identifying a warthog. It’s tougher when they’re not singing, I guess.

“This roadblock better be a manly stunt. None of this sissy stuff” … Brian … well it’s just moving logs, but it you want to crocodile wrestle as a sidebar, go ahead and have a blast.

“Like milking cows and balancing stuff on your heads” … Brian … ah, the stories are expanding already. For now goats become cows … next up “being lost” turns into exploring Africa.

“Both of those tasks are for the little farmer ladies that do it” … Brian … leave the manly tasks to the brothers, like getting lost and flipping cars.

“What’s on his back? A monkey?” … Rob on the giraffe … an underground sport in Botswana … giraffe racing. Those monkey jockeys can be brutal.

“We’ve seen every friggin animal in Africa” … Rob … or at least their butts. Not sure how personally they should take this wildlife mooning fest going on.

“Let this be a record, I didn’t point out everything Ron did wrong today. Ron pointed out everything I did wrong today” … Kelly … and your in-car testimonial has given Ron one more thing to point out.

“Houston. We have an elephant” … Uchenna … nice to see Uchenna get a chance to joke around with the wildlife … at least before they charge his car.

“Ok. Let’s see if we can destroy this one” … Lynn on the car … well, these things do happen in threes, so bring on the charging elephants.

“Kelly and I are kind of starting to get under each other’s skin, finally” … Ron … what a relief. I mean, who’d want to be happy all the time. Now they can just relax and argue.

“Ron and I have argued too much on the race” … Kelly … not yet to the point where the Iraqi prison is looking tempting, but we’re getting there.

“It’s just kind of hard right now to feel close to him and so I really just try and put the Word first and hope that that helps me bond in our relationship” … Kelly … and if nothing else, the good book does make a good head slapper when necessary.
You get to see all the cool animals again, though most would probably be shaking their heads at you.
“That could be costly” … Uchenna on re-doing the roadblock … but look at the bright side. You get to see all the cool animals again, though most would probably be shaking their heads at you.

“You should’ve been driving this whole time” … Brian to Greg … with the hospitalized cameraman giving the big thumbs up on that one.

“I didn’t miss the clue, did I?" "I bet you did” … Meredith/Gretchen … it’s Meredith’s fault because apparently the back seat of their truck doesn’t come with windows for Gretchen to see out of.

“So how did you guys (Meredith and Gretchen) know to come here?” … Phil … go for “wisdom” … he can’t argue with that. Plus the cameraman suggested this place as a good spot for brunch.

“Seriously. Even if we come in last place, I know you did something that was super hard for you” … Lynn … they may lose a million dollars, but at least Alex has conquered his childhood fears of driving stick. Next up on the fear list … parallel parking.

“Can we put underwear on as a headband?” … Lynn … it would answer the whole boxer vs. brief question that no one really wanted to know. Throw in a dance at the mat, and they could join the reclusive Haynes and Jockey tribes of Botswana.

“The fashion police is going to come and arrest you here in Africa” … Phil … in Asia they’d be sentenced to life in a sweatshop, but luckily in Africa they’ll get 20 years of bead making and folding leopard prints.

“Should we roll in, in our friggin swimsuits and say ‘I dare you to not eliminate us’?” … Brian … banking on the Amazing Race’s rarely used “comic relief” exemption.

“Phil’s going to see us and be like, there’s no way we can eliminate these guys” … Brian … or alternatively he’ll just have a good laugh, kick you out, and put in a call for a doctor and security just to be safe.

“That way they have to go through the rest of the race wearing those goofy clothes” … Brian … well at least as far as the next airport, where goofy clothes fall under the no shirt, no shoes, no flight policy. On the plus side, the metal detectors won’t be a problem.

“At least if we’re going out, we’re going out in style” … Greg … people might forget the winners, but a fur cap and a bathing suit … that image is timeless.


You’d think at some point the insurance company is going to step in and just hire a chauffer for Brian and Greg. And a mechanic for Lynn and Alex.

Luckily Rob didn’t do a hit and run on that ostrich. Aside from the fine, the roadkill cleanup duty is pretty disgusting.
Congrats to Brian and Greg for eventually figuring out that there may be in fact more than one water tower in Botswana.
Congrats to Brian and Greg for eventually figuring out that there may be in fact more than one water tower in Botswana.

I had to sympathize with the teams trying the balancing, but then again, it wasn’t their food and water spilling all over the ground. Another meal ruined courtesy of the Amazing Race.

When silly tourist balancing is a sport that brings out a crowd, we’ve found another tribe that really needs to get cable TV.

Give this tribe a few open air cars, and they could revolutionize the whole “take-out” food industry.

Botswana … the home of more wildlife and water towers per capita then any country in Africa.

You’d think with all the toughness of the Land Rover, some engineer would have thought to make the damn thing waterproof.

How many vehicles do Lynn and Alex have to destroy before they’re just handed a bicycle?

Are Meredith and Gretchen trying to finish the race by taking the least number of clues possible?

It was a clever idea for the brothers to change into their swimsuits. An even more clever idea might be to actually race to the pit stop to beat Meredith and Gretchen.

I think that Brian and Greg certainly do deserve the Fashion award. I mean, I’m guessing the orienteering and safe driving awards are a bit of a lost cause at this point.