Amazing Race Rants

Amazing Race Rant - Episode Five, Part 2


"This is Soweto, South Africa. Once a shanty town where 30,000 students famously protested Apartheid" Phil luckily the racers are in town for only 12 hours or so. Not enough time for the mob to rally against them.

"Will last place Meredith and Gretchen be able to survive after being stripped of everything except their passports?" Phil and will anybody be able to survive the mental imagery of these two being stripped?

"Once the lions have had their meal, teams will be handed their next clue" Phil provided the teams weren't the lions' meal, in which case there will be a 30 minute time penalty.

"Deana and I love being in first place. And we don't intend to give it up" Ray ... and as long as there is a fast forward on each leg for them to use, no problem. Otherwise, the bottom feeders will soon welcome back their wayward children.
Not easy running around with a 6-foot migraine right beside you.
"Deana still has a hard time handling stress" Ray not easy running around with a 6-foot migraine right beside you.

"She needs to step up a little bit more and assert her talents, where I need them" Ray 'cause the race is all about Ray, don't you know. Still, she didn't toss him off the cooling tower, so her talent for restraint is bang on so far.

"Deana just take it easy. Stop panicking. please" Ray probably getting all the panic out now, so she can relax while the lions make a feast of Ray.

"Did you see that? That's just like bombing downtown Baghdad" Kelly / Ron will this guy ever see a wonder of nature that doesn't relate to the war? And see that sunrise over there, hon glows just like the Napalm fires over Tikrit.

"Make your way home and give Mom a great big hug. Then eat all of her chicken enchiladas until you enter a food coma" Brian somewhere off screen, the director is yelling "Cut!" The brothers better hurry, though if Uchenna beats them to Mom's house, there's going to be nothing left for them but TV dinners.

"I know if anything happened to me, Greg would come to my rescue in like 2 seconds" Brian and with Brian's driving, the opportunities to be rescue certainly multiply.

"Man, am I sucking at driving" Brian probably the first warning sign that the camera guy should just hook up the tripod and bail out now.

"Alex and I are people first, we're racers second" Lynn and both the people and the racer parts hate Rob and Amber.

"We realize that the underlying task at hand is to win the race, but half of the prize is being here" Lynn kind of sucks that the other half will be grabbed the IRS. I guess all Lynn and Alex will get from the race are great memories and a Rob and Amber ulcer.
Julius Caesar had more friends in the Senate than these guys have amongst the racers.
"Up until this point, I think the other teams have kind of been not too fond of me and Rob" Amber Julius Caesar had more friends in the Senate than these guys have amongst the racers.

"but I don't really think that's going to get any better as the race goes on" Amber well, maybe if you nah they're still going to hate you.

"Needless to say, I don't think we're going to be getting any Christmas cards from these people" Rob not any you'd want to open yourself. That's what the bomb squad is for.

"Meredith and what's his name get no money" Rob I think we may have narrowed down the reasons why Meredith and Gretchen might not like Rob too much.

"Uchenna and I's marriage was really rocky at the beginning of the race" Joyce interesting how lack of sleep, an orphanage, and eating 4 pounds of cow innards can really turn a marriage around.

"Gretchen and I are starting this leg bare naked" Meredith if that's true, I imagine the only thing they'll miss more than getting no money is having no sunburn cream. Ouch.

"When you take the weapons from the warriors, it's hard for you to fight" Gretchen hard but not impossible. Gretchen can certainly lead off with a good strong head butt.

"It worries me terribly carrying our passports in a plastic bag" Gretchen not to mention the whole idea of mixing paper with plastic presenting a tough recycling dilemma as well.

"I feel like somebody took sandpaper and scraped my face" Gretchen last time she tries one of those South African exfoliating techniques.

"These gay guys in front of us they're driving me nuts" Rob and somewhere in the distance, the cradle of civilization is rocked with the sound of high pitched laugher.

"We're starving the lions this morning because we can't get there to feed them" Uchenna of all the tasks to be late for. Find it fast, because I wouldn't recommend waiting for the 10 a.m. walking tour of the feeding pen.

"I don't quite fill it out, my man" Meredith on Uchenna's shirt he'd probably have more luck looking through Joyce's gift bag and using Uchenna's shirt as a blanket.

"We're starting a save the rhino fund, and that's no lion" Gretchen and so begins the "African Evening at the Improv" spinoff.

"I'm not giving them any money. They're the biggest con artists going" Rob that's high praise coming from the master. I personally haven't figured out how the whole "lose all our cash and clothes" scam works yet, but Rob's seen right through these grifters.

"Meredith and Gretchen to me are sacrificial lambs" Ray and we'll just have to see if the ass or the lamb makes it to the altar first.

"I don't want to help prolong this agony for them any longer. I'm just thinking of them" Ray ah, those selfish teams giving them money. They just can't see the pain behind this "happy to be here and racing" mask that Meredith and Gretchen have been wearing since day 1.

"Even if a lion were to jump into this vehicle, freeze and do absolutely nothing" tour guide just let the lion do all the work for you.

"If he jumps on me, Kelly, I'm throwing him on you" Ron luckily the female lions have an innate sense of male cowardice. Bon Appetit.

"Let's go feed the lions. I don't know what they eat. Hopefully not us" Joyce is this a bad time to bring up that there aren't enough steaks to go around and I don't think protein bars are going to cut it?

"Remember just remain calm if the lion jumps into the vehicle" Amber and just hope the lions haven't figured out how to drive a stick shift or it's a Prideland road trip for everyone.

"You wanted to sightsee. I wanted to see giraffes" Alex / Lynn but sadly that whole lion/giraffe co-habitation experiment didn't quite work out.

"Yeah it does kind of feel a little bit like Jurassic Park, doesn't it? What happened in that movie?" Rob the stars survived and the supporting cast got eaten. Can we call Ray back to the set please?

"I'm not making eye contact with anybody" Uchenna Looking shifty in front of the hungry lion is a great plan. Should I eat the strong people or the one not looking?

"To the left. I am in the left. No, that way. To the left. Damn it, Deana watch the signs" Ray / Deana which ones? The airport signs, the anger issue signs, or the crappy navigation signs.

"Follow Lynn and Alex. Let them do the hard work for us" Amber lord knows the process of getting lost can be draining. Best to save your strength for the inevitable swearing and u-turn that will follow.

"Now I feel super scared" Lynn on getting lost downtown with Lynn's luck, the residents are all big Survivor fans time to ramp up to super-duper scared.

"Oh my God. This is like Compton" Lynn at least from what I've seen in the movies. Suddenly Johannesburg is becoming a very real city for Lynn and Alex and the camels and chickens aren't looking so bad now.

"Pick somebody who looks the least likely to have a gun" Lynn with the typical knife muggers being much more pleasant and better with directions.

"Oh yeah. It's Tupac" Lynn back from the dead in order to screw up Lynn and Alex's game. Well, his afterlife certainly sucks.

"Ernest Hemingway wrote about hunting in Botswana" Uchenna apparently one of the few racers whose experience with books goes beyond the stacking of them.

"There's no room. There's no room" Lynn / Alex to Rob and for their next number, the happy boy duo will sing their new theme song "Screw you Rob. Payback is a bitch."

"Is this a bus? Is this a bus?" Rob and if so, how much are they bribing you, 'cause I'll double it.

"Ok. We're going to play like that" Rob screw the others' sense of gameplay? Man, I hope Rob will be able to make the adjustment

"I love to see Rob pissed off. It makes me so happy" Lynn ah, the simple joys of life a summer's day a gentle breeze and a screaming Rob.

"I let 'em get away" Rob Dang. If only I had some clue as to where they were going. Ah well I'll just head to the train station.

"I mean, if that had been pretty much any other team there, we would have let them on" Lynn kind of makes you curious who else is on the Lynn & Alex hate list. Where do they find the time?
From spiteful to prissy in under 5 seconds. Lynn's got his Diva training going on.
"but I didn't want to have to share with them. And I like my air conditioning and I don't want to be crowded" Lynn from spiteful to prissy in under 5 seconds. Lynn's got his Diva training going on.

"There's no room. Meanwhile he's stretched out like he's on a carpet ride" Rob Lynn is definitely going to have to up the qualities of his lies before he'll get any respect from Rob.

"Lynn's got his head up his ass" Rob between heads, horseshoes, and 4 pounds of meat, there is far too much colon activity going on this season.

"He might be able run Alex like a little farm boy but he can't treat everybody like that" Rob very true, though it seems like for now he's only interested in branding Rob's ass.

"I'm done being nice" Rob time certainly flies, doesn't it? I can't even remember when he started.

"I'm not even sure she fell down. He might have pushed her just for effect so people would feel bad for her" Rob when ideas like that come out of your partner, it might be best for Amber to always keep one eye open or have her "sympathy" neck brace standing by.

"Where are the bushmen? Bushmen? Bushmen?" Meredith not to critique your searching technique, but the Bushmen probably aren't in the hut filled with just women, nor do they usually come when called.

"This guy's going to teach me because he's like Yoda. Let's go Yoda" Brian banking on the bushmen's lack of English or his sense of humour, Brian avoids a brush with the power of the Force smacking his head.

"I'm not a bushman but I did vote for Bush" Ray causing spears to rain down from the neighbouring Kerry tribe.

"Being in the military, I've driven through the desert in Humvees, where I'm sure there's no one else here who's done that" Ron like not knowing how to do something has stopped these racers before. I'm waiting for the helicopter roadblock.

"C'mon Deana. C'mon. Have some patience for once" Ray / Deana yeah, Ray. What's the big hurry? It's not like we're in a race or anything.

"You sharpened these things or what" Rob on the spears works better when the pointy end goes into the bag instead of the ground, Rob. Plus, questioning a bushman's integrity and you win a free spear demo. Anybody got an apple for Rob's head?

"He loses patience pretty quickly" Amber an impatient guy with spears. Yeah, that's my first choice for a good teammate.

"Oh my God, this is so Indiana Jones" Lynn on driving it's building up to the climatic detour Nazis or Natives.

"Did you ever think you'd be driving through Bush country? And that isn't President Bush, either" Gretchen best to stay on the road anyway. Any sudden moves and the Secret Service will be all over them.

"Slow down. You're going about 60. The bush policemen might give us a ticket" Gretchen not to mention a sobriety test okay, break out the spear and swinging sack.

"All I see is Meredith's dust. Is that her up there? Meredith is the guy" Joyce / Uchenna I gave my shirt to a guy named Meredith! Uchenna and Joyce face another challenge to their marriage.

"You make the littlest move and you slide. The sand is so slippery" Brian less time talking about it and more time trying not to do it, please.

"I don't know how I did that. It's okay. We've never driven these before" Brian / Lynn well, they never threw a spear at a bag before either, but if they had impaled the camera guy, "it's okay" might not do the trick.

"I don't want you to lose the race because of us" Brian well, not without us beating you, of course.

"It's a competition but I didn't want anybody to get hurt. That's not fun for anybody" Rob yeah, I imagine it's a big downer for the camera guy, but it's a shame that Rob's fun had to be affected, too.

"There was no way we were stopping. This is still a competition. Let's not get crazy" Rob not sure when that whole "asking and checking" activity became crazy, but this is Rob's world. We just have accidents in it.

"and then adhering to local custom, teams must fill up 12 ostrich eggs and bury them in the ground for cool storage to receive their next clue" Phil it will be a happy day for ostriches everywhere when the bushmen find out about drink coolers and Tupperware.

"You pour it in there and then we have to beat the crap out of it" Ron reason #1 why Ron will never be hosting his own cooking show.

"You realize I'm the only woman ever driving stick around here?" Deana kind of like Amelia Earhart except without the skill, fame, and public adoration.
Can we argue about who gets lost easier next, or should we jump right into some suck it up banter?
"You can't follow a map. Neither can you" Ray / Deana a productive argument for sure. Can we argue about who gets lost easier next, or should we jump right into some suck it up banter?

"This is your hole. Do it. Don't complain" Ray and if you chose to bury Ray in the hole, well that's okay, too.

"Don't break the car or we'll really be in trouble" Gretchen our insurance will skyrocket and we'll lose our deposit for sure.

"I don't want to go home tonight, but I don't want my bladder to be up in my chest cavity, either" Gretchen I know tasks can have their own pros and cons, but rearranged internal organs seems a little heavy on the con side.

"C'mon honey. Rob and Amber do not deserve. No quitting" Kelly couples united by their hatred of Rob and Amber on the next Oprah.

"Honey, how are you so fast at it?" Amber on Rob getting the water a valid question before getting married, but maybe Rob's sucking ability is a topic best left for the pit stop.

"Be careful. The last thing we want to do is break one" Amber on the eggs besides having to redo the task, I'm sure Mama Ostrich may inflict her own penalty as well.

"We need more rice right? It's not rice, it's corn" Alex / Lynn you see, Lynn, there is a time to correct and a time to just do, and when you partner is tired with a big stick, it might be time to go with the flow a bit.

"This is how you do it. Yeah, if you have 20000 years" Alex / Lynn seems a long time to wait for corn flour. I'm surprised the bushmen don't get take-out more.

"Did you guys see a wreck at all today?" Phil don't like where this is going, Rob. Get your lawyer down here.

"Did you guys stop at all?" Phil seriously, Rob. Phil's going to start in on Miranda rights next. You better lawyer up quick.

"No. It's a race, Phil" Rob a license to race in the wrong hands can be a dangerous thing.

"Ow, Ray. The least you could do is apologize" Deana well, the least he could do was nothing, and bingo, he just did it.

"It's teamwork, and we don't work as a team" Ray certainly not a team anybody would want to join. Maybe they need a new captain?

"Sometimes you just got to stop and do the right thing" Lynn and other times you just have to speed up and strand Rob at the airport.

"You bitch too much. It's depressing doing this with you" Ray well, watching you two fight isn't exactly pulling people back of the building ledges either.

"I think it's depressing doing it with you" Deana don't know whether to call that a hit below the belt or just more information than I needed. I'm still getting over a naked Meredith, thank you.

"Put your hair down" Gretchen to Meredith is she aware of some funky hair time penalty that we haven't heard of?

"Maybe we should do the right thing and pull Ray and Deana over here" Phil or we could just call it a day and grab a beer. Ray will get the point.

"We deserve to be (eliminated). We do. We're awful" Ray waits for any denials and hears nothing but crickets.

"So do you feel like the race brought you guys together?" Phil they're now as close as good enemies can be.

"I probably won't compete with her in anything in the future" Ray they must have edited out Deana's cheers of delight.

"To be brutally honest, I don't know that I can accept Deana the way she is. Lacking the competitive fire that I have" Ray might be a better plan for Deana to throw a tire on Ray's competitive fire and have herself a little cookout.

"He just needs to realize that this relationship is two people and Ray is not always going to get what he wants" Deana and he's certainly not getting to drive my Rav4.

"I can't end this if I wanted to and I can't go on even though I do want to" Ray at least the producers can help you end part of it. Roll credits, please.

"We need to figure out what's both holding us together and ripping us apart" Ray probably something that the courts will end up deciding.


You send how many camera crews to South Africa, and we get stuck watching stock footage of Soweto.
I'm glad they started with the lion feeding rather than ending with them. Reduces the chances of a team elimination twist we haven't seen before.
I'm glad they started with the lion feeding rather than ending with them. Reduces the chances of a team elimination twist we haven't seen before.

So as a penalty, you lighten the load for the seniors by taking their backpacks away? If you really want to penalize them, fill the packs with rocks and start playing rap music.

Just how much safer would you feel if your lion guide started smacking the lions on top of the head? Now they're hungry and angry. Thanks, buddy.

Feeding the lions was easy. Now putting the next clue in the lion's mouth, that's a challenge.

How bored does a bushman have to be to one day come up with the idea, "Hey, let's build a giant Aardvark"?

If nothing else, at least Rob learned how to pronounce aardvark incorrectly from this episode.

Rob manages to show that he is bad at only two things winning and losing.

Every time Rob's smirks at the camera, is he waiting for his inner laugh track to go off?

I'm not sure what the point was of getting buzzed by a biplane, but if they end up having a roadblock on Mount Rushmore, Hitchcock's estate is going to sue CBS's ass.

Have burlap sacks yet to be put on the endangered species list?

Were the bushmen that starved for entertainment that they had to applaud so much when the sacks got hit? Or was it a "thank god you're leaving my village" kind of joy?

For great hunters, the bushmen were looking a little thin. Can you have negative body fat?

Uchenna and Joyce's bags made it through the perils of South African luggage claim, but are no match for the bush plains and their owner's bad memories.

Are Brian and Lynn going to have a "giggle off" while at the pit stop?

Note to CBS: Give one less car away, and invest in some tents for the teams. A bed on the plains is below even hostel standards.

Yoda was a good teacher, but alas, even he couldn't teach Brian how to drive a Humvee.

In response to Greg's prayer, do you think the camera guy made a prayer wishing Brian would stop sucking at driving so much? Might want to put in a good word for the new camera guy as well.

Since two different racers have mistaken Meredith for a girl, just how many schoolyard fights do you think he had to go through growing up?

I guess the Amazing Race has now lost the right to say "No cameramen were hurt during the filming of this program."