Amazing Race Rants

Amazing Race Rant — Episode Five, Part 1

I think Rob and Amber’s presence on the planet is enough to continue to aggravate Lynn and Alex.
“Will Rob and Amber’s persistent good luck continue to aggravate Lynn and Alex?” … Phil … I think Rob and Amber’s presence on the planet is enough to continue to aggravate Lynn and Alex. The good luck element is just a little extra salt in the wounds.

“Throughout this entire race there has been a guardian angel looking out for Amber and I” … Rob … the angel has been a truly ally to Rob, which sadly means it will probably get voted out just before the final leg.

“Cause without it (the angel), I don’t think we’d still be around” … Rob … Rob telling the truth. An interesting change in strategy.

“We’re the only team that’s not in a relationship” … Brian … a definite advantage. I guess the brothers breaking up would kind of making those family meals a little awkward.

“We’re hopefully going to see some self-destruct buttons going off in these relationships” … Brian … I think some are already at Defcon2 as we speak. They’re only staying together for the sake of the camera crews … breakups always hit them the hardest.

“I think Ron and I are working out some of our issues” … Kelly … the paramount being him at the beginning of each leg stating he’s not sure if I’m the right girl for him.

“We’re just trying to find out more about each other since this is the longest amount of time we’ve ever spent together” … Kelly … when Iraqi prison guards know more than you do about your boyfriend, yeah, I can see where getting to know him better might be a good idea.

“Don’t step in the horse pooie” … Alex … a crappy way to start the leg for sure but it would make the shoe bomb inspection at the airport a little more interesting.

“Alex and I are having the time of our lives” … Lynn … seeing the world, experiencing new cultures, and hating Rob and Amber. It’s an all-inclusive package.

“I cannot stand being in the back. I can’t take it. It’s not me” … Ray … not much you can do now, but if you’re nice, the cabbie might let you ride shotgun. At least you wouldn’t be in the back anymore.

“Deana hopefully feels the same way” … Ray … either because he’s told her to or he’s got other people to rant about right now and doesn’t have time to fill his Deana quota.

“C’mon. We’ve got some old people to beat” … Ray … as the senior citizen cabbie speeds up the cab and glances frantically for the panic button.

“We’re hoping Meredith and Gretchen end up with a flat tire on the way here. That’s so mean” … Ray / Deana … nah … mean would be loosening the bolts on their car’s tires. Ironically, that was Ray’s plan B.

“I should have left some tacks on the road coming out here. That’s so mean” … Ray / Deana … if Deana keeps up her “that’s so mean” mantra, maybe the whole “he’s a jerk” conclusion might come quicker.

“We were in first place. We had an eight hour lead. So everybody got equalized. Of course we’re a little disappointed” … Rob … the guardian angel took an extended lunch I guess. Do I have to do everything for you guys?

“We ended up in first class, so it was a productive flight” … Ray … their Meredith and Gretchen hating efficiency went up at least 50%. Nothing like heated towels to bring out the best in a scheme.

“and we were happy and very positive coming out of it” … Ray … and those happy and positive vibes lasted all the way to the car. C’mon … for Ray, that’s an accomplishment.

“What’s the steering wheel doing over here?” … Lynn … call it jetlag, call it a simple joke, or call it a cry that Alex should really be doing the driving.

“I’m so happy Johannesburg is a real city” … Lynn … with those side trips to Brigadoon and Atlantis being such just a big waste of time.

“I was so afraid it was going to be like chickens and camels and whatever” … Lynn … must have got stuck on the Johannesburg petting zoos page of Fodors. As for the whatevers, well, you’ve always got to keep an eye peeled for them.

“Do we want to rappel? That’s easy” … Gretchen / Meredith … it’s just the rocks and ground that are hard.

“Dude, I’m in South Africa. I know, Dude” … Greg / Brian … either they enjoyed one too many little vodka bottles on the plane, or Bill and Ted have come to Africa.

“I guess we better lock the car and go get a map” … Uchenna … it would take a pretty dumb thief to steal a marked car on camera but you never know. Rob could do a u-turn and clean the lot out.

“We’re looking forward to dousing ourselves in our culture” … Uchenna … by rappelling into a cave 50 feet underground. Unless you’re planning on bonding with miners, dwarves, or bats, there ain’t too much culture going on down there.

“A lot of other teams might have gone for the fast forward. We might have burnt our bridge already” … Rob … in the game, possibly. Socially with the other teams, well, the cooling tower bridge probably had more stability.
I’m not ruling out spontaneous combustion for Ray, though. Watch for the smoke behind the ears.
“If we go out, we’re going out in a blaze of fire” … Ray … I guess a blaze of glory is a bit much to hope for. I’m not ruling out spontaneous combustion for Ray, though. Watch for the smoke behind the ears.

“My God. It is a scary guy” … Lynn on the welcoming chief … don’t worry, Lynn. They’re more afraid of you than you are of them.

“Do you need this (the shield)? Lunges with spear. Is that a no?” … Alex / Lynn … well, that’s certainly the angriest yes I’ve heard in a while. Of course, it hard to fight that spear lunging temptation with Lynn and Alex around.

“Do you want to get out and ask this lady? She’ll probably think you’re mugging her” … Brian … so we get good directions and a little extra pocket cash. A win-win for the brothers.

“Scariest thing I’ve ever done in my life” … Ray on bridge walking … with having to volunteer at a seniors home coming in a close second.

“I gotta to do it now” … Deana … twice as scary now. Crossing the bridge AND having Ray waiting on the other side. That half gainer into the cooling tower is looking like a pretty good option.

“We’ll be friends” … Ron to strap lady … well, you’ll certainly be closer … intimate even … but I don’t know if real friends do that to other friends.

“My pageant training is really coming in handy right now” … Kelly … luckily South Carolina has the unique swimsuit, evening, and spelunking wear competitions for its pageants.

“She could model this outfit. Doesn’t she look cute?” … Ron … she might not be the right girl for him, but damn, she does pull off that overall look with some style.

“Spelunking. I just like saying it” … Brian … certainly much more fun than words like cave-in, panic-attack, and claustrophobia.

“Isn’t this fun, baby? I feel like I’m in the army” … Ron / Kelly … no one is more feared than the army’s special spelunking unit … keeping the world safe from bats, hibernating bears, and the Yeti.

“Half way there, baby” … Ray on Deana’s bridge walk … it’s one of those instances where the cup being half full or half empty really doesn’t matter … it’s the fall from the table that is the prime focus.

“I don’t really think there’s a chance they won’t do it” … Amber … or put another way … you think they’ll do it. It’s a little simpler and, besides, considering the use of double negatives is confusing to most people, trying them out on Rob is like an extreme grammar experiment gone wrong.

“I’m asking you to make a decision. Can you do that?” … Rob … well I’m getting close to that “smacking you along side the head” decision. Just keep talking for a sec.

“I have so much more faith in you than you have in yourself” … Ray to Deana … it’s just a very loud and angry faith, is all.

“A hospital, why not? A little psychiatric evaluation. I mean, we probably need it at this point.” … Rob … long overdue, possibly. Doesn’t matter too much. Rob will probably bribe the doctors for a passing score anyway.

“All of a sudden all the doctors and nurses recognize us from Survivor” … Rob … or from the medical textbooks. I’m sure the “why’s” and “how’s” of the Rob and Amber relationship have earned a chapter or two in the psychology books.

“These guardian angels along the way helped us so much. Because they recognize us and almost feel like they know us” … Amber … their knowledge of Rob and Amber apparently not extending to remembering what happens to people who help them.

“There are a number of caves here. So one of them might be wild caves” … guy / Meredith … with the remainder being either tame or free-range caves.

“Remember what I said about claustrophobia” … Brian … sorry. I can’t talk with you until the walls stop closing in on me.
Childhood grudges and loose rocks are not a safe combination.
“If you can’t handle me stuffing you in a sleeping bag when you were little and not letting you out” … Greg … a fond brother-to-brother memory that maybe would be best shared when not stuck in a dark cave. Childhood grudges and loose rocks are not a safe combination.

“Near the center of town is the sprawling Baragwanath market, where teams will find their next clue” … Phil … it could have been a vast market; it could have been a diverse market, but no. Marketing has to go with a sprawling market. Come for the savings, stay for the sprawl.

“You’ve got spelunking war paint. You look like Braveheart” … Greg / Brian … in a Norton from the Honeymooners kind of way. Phil may take our money, but he’ll never take … our freedom.

“Oooh. Their village is nice” … Alex … shhh … you’ll start a tribal war going with all this queer eye for the straight tribe talk.

“Don’t jump anywhere in the cave. You don’t know how thick the floor is below you” … cave guy … not sure jumping around in a deep cave is exactly topping the “fun things to do in Africa” list, but a good safety tip nonetheless.

“There’s skull and crossbones there. There’s skull and crossbones down there” … Meredith … either the detour has been invaded by pirates, or somebody is taking the dead end idea way too seriously.

“We could be lost in here forever” … Uchenna … the words every cameraman dreams of hearing along with “watch out for that car.” But I’m sure the guy who drew the skull and crossbones is still wandering around somewhere. He could keep Uchenna company.

“Why didn’t we go do the tribal thing?” … Uchenna … because that would involve things like dousing yourself in African culture. And who the hell would want that?

“Thanks, Chief. Give me five” … Rob … not sure if Rob is looking for a hi-five or a handout here. Watch your wallet, Chief.

“Don’t worry, honey. I’ve been wanting a face lift for a long time” … Gretchen … and unfortunately I seem to have left a good portion of my face on that rock outcropping down there.

“I think the brothers are here. We can take those bitches” … Alex / Lynn … in a physical challenge, maybe not. But this is shopping! Brian and Greg … prepare to be bitch slapped.

“This is a children’s home and you should be careful. You may not run” … Brian … try it and your clue comes with a good paddling. Might want to get rid of your gum, too.

“She said, look we’re not leaving here without the clue so get yourself over there and find it. That shows me what she’s made of” … Meredith … or what blood loss and a head trauma can do. Plus more time with the handsome paramedic probably didn’t hurt, either.

“I can’t go to Soweto market like this” … Gretchen … I’m not sure if she knows what kind of market she’s going to, but the lack of valet parking or a Starbucks may bring reality home pretty quick.

“Stay out of trouble. Don’t do drugs” … Brian to the kids … well, the brothers just completed any Public Service Announcement quotas the Amazing Race might have had.

“I’ve seen you guys look cleaner. Actually, now that I look at her …” … Phil / Ron … a few more of those comments and Ron’s army training of sleeping alone will come in quite handy.

“Somebody from here comes up to me and wants to help me find all my things in the market. An angel in disguise. An angel in heels and a skirt” … Amber … who says angels can’t be modernly fashionable? That robes and wings look is so 1st century B.C.

“And no matter how this thing ends up, we’re not going down until we can’t take another step forward” … Meredith … or until Ray runs us off the road … whatever comes first.


How much of Rob’s backpack is filled up with Red Sox caps?

Nice to see the Argentinean airport has a consistent carry-on policy. Every third person has to check their bags, or just whenever we feel like it.

Rob was amazed at how they always go from fifth to first. It’s almost as amazing as them going from first to eighth.

Amber wanted to see the look on everyone’s face last week if they made the plane. Probably looked a lot like her face watching Meredith and Gretchen come in.
What kind of warped architectural mind decides one day … hmm, why don’t we build a rickety bridge over a cooling tower? Who is hiring these people?
What kind of warped architectural mind decides one day … hmm, why don’t we build a rickety bridge over a cooling tower? Who is hiring these people?

Say what you will about it, but cooling tower graffiti art kicks ass

The matching of the six traditional items with the five tribes was challenging. I guess having an iPod as the 6th artifact did make it a little simpler, though.

Isn’t there a rule in place that you can’t collect a fast forward if you’re unable to get your car out of 2nd gear?

The race not being challenging enough, Ron, Kelly, Uchenna, and Joyce develop their own baggage claim detour. Still, it’s a lot more pleasant that the Customs Agent roadblock.

Why kind of amazing gas station not only gives you directions, but pulls up Map Quest on a computer to show you where to go? They take “Full Serve” very seriously in South Africa.

The tribal chiefs are all about hospitality, but if Lynn takes another un-offered drag of the tribe’s pipe, Mr. Zulu spear guy is coming out for a visit.

I understand matching the visual clues to know which artifact went with which tribe, but how did they match up the pipe tribe? Was the tribe making ashtrays?

Would it have been an honest mistake to also bring the pot to the tribe with the pipe?

Between thrusting spears and laughing tribe chiefs, just how many life threatening experiences did Lynn and Alex have to go through?

Just how many countries is Survivor on in, anyway?

Does following Uchenna around tight tunnels in a dark cave qualify the camera guy for some sort of danger pay?

Nice to see Meredith shattering all those senior citizen drivers’ stereotypes by almost, but not actually, getting into a car accident.

Note to Lynn: I’m sure the chief appreciated comparing the artifact to Christian Dior, but what if he had been a Hugo Boss man? No clue … and a curse to boot.

Two cars for winning the leg. Wow, did Lynn and Alex really pick the wrong the leg to come in first or what. Only reward they got was getting first crack at the stomach pump.

Not sure how safe the Soweto Overlook neighbourhood is, so I hope Ray and Deana’s Rav 4s are locked or have Lowjack installed.

Do you think after the race, Ray and Deana will call up Rob and Amber and race their reality show cars?

A giant labyrinth of caves … one bat. What’s the deal?

Men buying diapers … it’s just never a pretty thing

As attractive as the price and speed might be, please keep in mind that the Spelunker’s plastic surgery program is not for everyone.

Do you think Meredith had a slightly easier time finding the clue after the paramedics brought down the equivalent of a small sun with them to light up the caves?

Hope Rob and Amber’s guardian angel can find a lift back to the market.

After handing Phil their backpacks, would it have been too bold to ask for somebody to do their laundry in the meantime? Hell, they gave all the money up … the staff could get some quarters out of that.

South African blacks fought for years to get their personal freedom, which they have now used to become experts in reality show celebrities. Oh, democracy … where did it all go wrong?