Amazing Race Rants

Amazing Race Rant — Episode Four


“Can Susan and Patrick find a way to climb out of last place?” … Phil … possibly, provided the challenges don’t require Patrick to actually do anything in under half a day.

“And will Rob and Amber’s unorthodox strategy continue to alienate the other teams?” … Phil … with alienate now being the PC word for “piss off.” Actually their unorthodox strategy seems to be eliminating rather than alienating the other teams, so alienate away.

“In the last leg, Alex and I wanted to beat Rob and Amber, especially” … Lynn … you would think that would be a good idea for every leg … see, that’s called having a plan.

“Not only did we beat Rob and Amber, but we have a huge, huge advantage” … Alex … well, with no money or trip as a prize for the leg, I can’t blame them for hyping the huge, huge advantage angle

“And we earned that advantage” … Alex … and with half the pit stop probably spent in the john, they earned it the hard way.

“I want some money." "Well, let’s just come in first again today” … Lynn / Alex … the best plans are often the simplest ones. But don’t forget to beat Rob and Amber, too.

“All the other teams are still hours behind us” … Alex … switching hours for minutes would probably be more accurate, but why rain on their parade.

“Hopefully we can get on a plane and really secure our lead, because that’s where the great divides are made” … Alex … that is until the producers find a way to clump us all back together. Can’t break up the family too much, can they?
Nothing like a good dose of road rage to wake you up in the morning.
“I’ll run you off the road, beotch” … Lynn … nothing like a good dose of road rage to wake you up in the morning. Of course, it might be securing their incarceration instead of a lead.

“Forty miles per hour. That’s like giving birth, man” … Uchenna … and for the mothers out there, Uchenna starts on an analogy that really doesn’t have any chance of finishing well … it’s a comparison area best avoided by man.

“Coming from the military, you’re used to being able to trust people” … Ron … except for those pesky enemy armies. You can’t count on them to help you at all. It might be time to lean on Kelly’s experience … the pageant circuit isn’t exactly known for its honesty and fair play.

“Brian and I feel awesome about coming up from last to third place. We really don’t have any doubts that we can make it first to the finish line” … Greg … flat tires via prayer or voodoo curse notwithstanding, of course.

“Today’s mission, no mistakes." "No mistakes” … Brian / Greg … Tomorrow’s mission: recovering from all the mistakes we make today.

“It opens at 6:30 and it’s 6:00." "Okay, so we just wait here for 30 minutes” … Lynn / Alex … good plan. It proves that if there are any time telling or math roadblocks coming up, Alex is primed for them.

“I can’t read Spanish. You’re supposed to be navigating. We’re heading in the right direction. Relax” … Ron / Kelly … see when you can’t read the signs and are navigating by the sun, I would reserve the right to be a little tense. Is the big plan that if you run into penguins or the Arctic Ocean, just turn around?

“If they can do it in 40 seconds or less, a competitive time for an Argentine cowboy, they’ll receive their next clue” … Phil … this is probably Phil just being nice … or else they timed some pretty non-competitive cowboys. Lucky the gauchos couldn’t speak English or they’d be laughing Phil off the ranch.

“I’ve ridden horses before but riding them fast is a completely different thing” … Alex … Alex quickly realizing that his Merry-Go-Round training will only bring him so far.

“Pick a helmet." "Oh, they’re so pretty” … Attendant / Alex … safety concerns are important but they are a pale second to fashion statements. If you’re going to fall off of a horse, you damn well better look good doing it.

“You want to switch cars with someone that has more gas?" "We can’t do that” … Rob / Amber … a non-loop-hole rule. Of course, there’s nothing in the playbook against siphoning off gas. Amber, break out my rubber hose.

“But I like to be under pressure. It makes me do better. It gives me an edge” … Rob … a more edgy Rob? Is any team or camera crew safe now?

“Is this a nice horse?" "Yes” … Joyce / Attendant … if you need any other references, please contact the rider chiropractic ward of the La Lunta hospital.

“It’s okay. The horse has done this a million times, Alex” … Lynn … great, a monotonous task for a bored horse. This might be the day he wants to shake things up a little.

“He’s just a little bit skittish” … Uchenna about the horse … yeah, he’s only tossed Joyce twice so far. Once he starts stomping her into the ground, it will graduate up to a tad skittish. Rodeo clowns are standing by.
What’s the Spanish phrase for “it sucks to be you” again?
“I had to eat crap yesterday. She gets to ride a horse. I just want y’all to know that” … Ron … what’s the Spanish phrase for “it sucks to be you” again? Plus I’m sure the gauchos appreciate Ron trashing the locale cuisine. Perhaps a mucking the stalls demonstration might help him redefine crap.

“She’s going to get this. She’s going to overcome it because I know her competitive nature is going to take over” … Uchenna on Joyce … and until that happens, at least her butt is properly numb now that it won’t hurt to fall any more.

“This is the first time we’ve been lost the entire race” … Amber … they’ll have to go with the back-up plans of either finding a local to bribe or convincing another team to get lost, too.

“Brian and Greg weren’t angry. They were probably more disappointed that we were all right here together and they missed it” … Kelly … that’s a very nice way of looking at it. Of course, if Brian’s horse gets driven a little hard, I don’t think it’s disappointment behind it

“We’re stuck at the back of the pack with the bottom feeders” … Ray … and yet strangely, it feels like we’re right at home here.

“I don’t want to be associated with teams of their caliber” … Ray … somehow I don’t think being on the Ray and Deana happy train was their first choice, either.

“I feel embarrassed to be where we are right now” … Ray … it’s the first step to finally being embarrassed about who he is right now.

“Be careful of animals” … Gretchen … probably wise. Who knows what traditional feasts are waiting down the road?

“You figure you’re last … you give up somewhere along the way and we’ll never give up” … Susan … as much as Patrick’s complaining might make giving up such a tempting choice.

“We just happened to stumble upon the place. Somebody’s watching over us that’s for sure” … Amber … no doubt expecting their souls in compensation … which he can enjoy after the race.

“That was easy." "‘Cause I’m a professional horse rider” … Amber / Rob … with the horse making the smart move thinking that 30 seconds of Rob and it will all be over. A bath, brushing, and therapy, and all will be well again.

“You look cute on a horse, babe” … Amber … and I can see your face from either end of the horse.

“If we caught up to the other four teams after taking a four hour penalty, they would die” … Amber … and most likely take you with them.

“That would mean they went through all that suffering for nothing” … Amber … and the other teams thought that having to mingle with Rob and Amber was suffering enough.

“Who cares about any of them?” … Rob … well, I’m sure Rob cares at least a little bit. Without the other teams, stealing cabs and manipulating wouldn’t be nearly as much fun.

“The other teams love us. They’re striving to be like us. On a good day, maybe” … Rob … striving to be like Rob and Amber? As life challenges go, the only people that set the bar that low are limbo dancers.

“It just shows that if you want to win at this race, you can’t give up on anything and that’s why we’re on the first flight” … Kelly … on the flip side, it also shows that luck and irony have a pretty screwed up sense of humour, and that’s why Rob and Amber are on the first flight.

“Funny how we go from 5th to 1st all the time” … Rob …. Not to mention surprising, annoying, and disheartening. The Rob and Amber experience covers the gambit of emotions.

“Oh, I can’t wait to see the look on their faces” … Amber … might be a good idea to watch their hands, too. Argentina isn’t known for its strict weapons-free airline policies.

“Hey Ron. How’s the stomach?” … Rob … you don’t often get to see Rob’s sensitive side. Any more caring and Ron will have to show Rob just what’s going on in his stomach. Time to share the pain.

“If that had been any other team, they would have literally gotten applause” … Lynn … with the plotting and despising to come later.

“Look at this kid. Out here earning a living." "To pay for his college” … Meredith / Gretchen on the juggler … or maybe just investing in some short-term goals like eating for now, with the dream of nailing a busking scholarship to the La Lunta clown college later on.

“What is that clown doing?” … Patrick on the clown … trying to make a buck, trying to make you smile, or trying to make for a good pun.

“If there was ever a time you wanted permission to run over a clown” … Patrick … careful, Patrick … he might have friends. Being chased all over town by a clown car is no way to run a race.

“Yours isn’t broken. He doesn’t need new batteries” … Ray to Deana and horse … not sure I’d want to know where to stick the batteries, either. And any “my horse is broken” claim may violate the famous “Colin busted beast of burden” copyright laws established after Season 5.

“You think this is easy?” … Deanna … not really. It’s only all the other teams and every gaucho on the ranch that think that

“There’s nothing I can do” … Deana … it goes nicely with the almost nothing that you’ve already done.

“We’re going to be eliminated over horse riding” … Ray … nah. It’s the lack of team work, bad decision making, and general anger issues that will really end it for you.

“What the hell am I going to say to the horse?” … Deana … “if you run fast enough, I’ll let you kick Ray around for awhile” might be a good opener.

“Then get mad at the horse." "Shut up, get away from me” … Ray / Deana … she’s getting it. Now she just needs to get mad at the horse and not the horse’s ass.

“Poor Deana. She’s not making the horse go fast enough” … Gretchen … well, if Ray was waiting for you at the end of the ride, you might be tempted to take your time, too.

“He’s (Patrick) not being aggressive enough. He’s gotta give that horse hell” … Susan … as if listening to a Susan and Patrick argument isn’t hell enough for the horse.

“I’m not a back of the pack person. I won’t accept that … period” … Ray … keep up that wonderful team dynamic and you won’t have to worry about being in any pack soon enough.

“Hey Mom. Let’s trying being quiet while I do this. I need to concentrate” … Patrick … not a problem. Could you just make your concentration period last under 4 hours this time please?

“If you can get him going at a fast pace." "That’s easy for you to say, Mom” … Susan / Patrick … and surprisingly easy for almost every other team to do, too.

“I was trying to help you." "Mom, I want you to stop before we have an embarrassing moment” … Susan / Patrick … that ship has longed sailed I’m afraid. We’re closing in on the point where the horse will request having its faced blurred out to remain anonymous.

“My crotch hurts” … Patrick … as we finally reach the #1 thing no son should ever be sharing with his Mom.

“This is exciting. Racing to be first is way more fun than racing to be last” … Lynn … such a cool feeling, I wonder why more teams don’t do it, too.
These three teams are more likely to inspire a life of celibacy.
“We’re still here. The ménage a trois” … Gretchen … well, that fantasy just got shot all to hell. These three teams are more likely to inspire a life of celibacy.

“The bottom line is that they’re (Rob and Amber) kind of like an STD. You’ve got to protect yourself from them and the only way to do that is to keep yourself away from them” … Lynn … once infected with Rob and Amber, you’re never quite the same. Still I hear that Bristol Myers Squibb is working on a cream for it.

“When they find the island, they must run onto the beach to receive their next clue” … Phil … with walking, skipping, or sashaying all to be met by a time penalty.

“Do you speak English?" "More or less” … Rob / Boat guy … and when the more meets the less, you’ve now enter the “we’re screwed” zone.

“One’s saying go back, the other’s saying let’s go. I’m with Carlos. Let’s go” … Rob … see, this might be a good time to check if “let’s go” is all really Carlos knows how to say aside from “more or less.”

“There’s water in the boat. Oh my God, my shoes are getting wet. At least Rob and Amber are nowhere in site” … Alex / Lynn … we’re about to sink to the bottom, but no Rob and Amber, so it’s a good thing. You have to respect bitterness carried to the very end.

“Hey it’s the old man and the sea” … Rob to the clue guy … with those jokes, I’m sure the guy is regretting signing up for this job, or at least for not having a giant fish around to smack Rob with.

“This polo club, the most prestigious in Argentina, is the pit stop for this leg of the Race” … Phil … with the 2nd most prestigious club now advertising “we’re still 100% racer free.”

“Carlos was kind enough to help us out, so I decided I’ve got to give him a little bit of me” … Rob … with giving a little being Rob’s specialty. At least he didn’t bribe him to ram the other boats.

“Luck has always been on my side. It’s like I was born with a horseshoe … right up my ass” … Rob … goes far to explaining why most of his talking comes out of there.

“People are passing us like we’re going still” … Ron … and imagine if they were standing still … that would be even worse. Ron’s been studying at the Bolo school of similes, I see.

“We could have won today. We got the suckiest boat ever” … Alex … and here you thought that “suckiest” was a word reserved for teenage girls coming back from Spring Break. These guys are breaking down the barriers.

“He can’t help us! He’s having his coffee for God sake” … Gretchen … old couple with camera crew or a good cup of Java. Good choice, cabbie.

“No way am I losing to them. They are a couple of decades behind where they need to be” … Ray … with Ray being only a couple of chromosomes behind where a human should be.

“It would especially hurt to lose to one of these two teams. I won’t allow it” … Ray … and for the first time in race history, bouncers are required for the pit stop mat.

“Make your way to the city of Tigre. Let’s just go to the train station” … Patrick … considering that’s what the clue said, Patrick’s concentration is starting to pay off. If he had to take a horse there, however, all bets are off.

“These people (Meredith and Gretchen) don’t belong in this game with us” … Ray … to be honest, I’m not sure who does belong in this game with you … the criminally insane, perhaps?

“I don’t know why you’d wanna stay in” … Patrick to Susan … with Patrick as a partner, he could be referring to staying in the race or just staying in the boat period.

“I want to do this." "We’ve done it." "No, we haven’t … I’m not done." "Whatever” … Susan / Patrick … Patrick is certainly a mood killer. I’d suggest having him enjoy a nice meal, but it is only an hour long show after all.

“Mom, there’s no inkling of hope. When it’s done, it’s done” … Patrick … with those non-elimination rounds being just made up stories passed down from racer to racer.

“I’m not losing to a 70 year old man and his wife, even if it’s checkers” …Ray … for the record, Meredith is only 69, so prepare for a board game ass whoopin’.

“I’m going to go ask the ticket guy." "I can’t imagine the ticket guy can help us” … Meredith / Gretchen … I can’t imagine why you’re going to the ticket guy to get a second opinion on taking a cab.

“You’re team number 6." "I’ll take it. For now” … Phil / Ray … so good of you to accept it, Ray. Though it would have been amusing watching them drag you away while the credits are rolling, too.

“It was out of our control. I can’t fix boats” … Susan … and Patrick … well, we’re still working on what he can do. He did try moping and complaining but that didn’t work so well.

“Patrick’s pessimism is frustrating for me” … Susan … stop complaining, Susan. You’re screwing up Patrick’s concentration on being pessimistic.

“I’m more of a realist and so it frustrates me to hear optimism that I don’t think is real” … Patrick … well, I would say you’re bound to live a happy life after the race, but hearing that would only frustrate you more.

“Maybe I need to lighten up” … Patrick … no, manic depressives need to lighten up. You need to look beyond a bit.


For all the non-quitting teams, I can only hope that there was a light salad on the menu at the pit stop … or at least a soy burger.

Congrats to Rob. He made it at least 10 yards off the mat before contemplating screwing another team. Go for the parking lot next time, Rob.
Could Lynn and Alex give Captain Ahab a few lessons in obsession? We’re one harpoon challenge away from a big Rob accident.
Could Lynn and Alex give Captain Ahab a few lessons in obsession? We’re one harpoon challenge away from a big Rob accident.

If a deep voice is needed to control the horse, it’s probably good Lynn sat that one out. Being mocked and laughed at by a horse is crushing to one’s self confidence.

If your choice is between pulling on the reins hard vs being bucked off the horse, I can’t blame Joyce for giving the pony an extra tug.

Did Brian and Greg get driving tips from Debbie and Bianca before hitting the road?

I’m happy that Ray is obsessing about another team besides Rob and Amber. Meredith and Gretchen do seem to be more at his speed and ability level.

Did Ray and Deana take the idea of bareback riding a little too literally?

Patrick misunderstood the instructions … he thought he was suppose to start whining and complaining in under 40 seconds, not finish the course.

What person in their right mind would run up to a guy in a park wearing a black trenchcoat and say “Do you have something for me”?

If you are traveling along waterways littered with shipwrecks, maybe this is a good time to start wearing your lifejacket.

Hopefully Rob’s Boston cap doesn’t have some sort of evil Frosty the Snow Man effect on Carlos. I don’t think “Holy Cannoli” translates well into Spanish.

As beaches go, I don’t think Star Island is going to win many awards. Maybe if they tried introducing sand.

Why on earth would you start following Ray in a boat? He’s at the back of the pack with you for a reason.

How come Phil always has to point as the second to last team is coming in? Does he figure the host has forgotten where to look after the first six teams have arrived … or is it a chance to mutter “see those people … they’re almost the suckiest”?