Amazing Race Rants

Amazing Race Rant — Episode Three


“And after falling behind, will Susan and Patrick be able to move to the front of the pack once again?” … Phil … only as long as Rob and Amber are there. Rob’s ego has too strong a pull for Patrick’s obsession to resist.

“Amber and I definitely have luck on our side” … Rob … at first glance I would have chalked it up to some sort of deal with the devil, but if you want to call it luck, go ahead.

“But we’ve been taking a lot of chances” … Rob … yeah, you never know if the next person we try to bribe might be an off-duty cop or CBS executive.
Still with Rob’s attitude, we can only hope for a nice bullfighting challenge in the future.
“Without taking chances, you really can’t have any luck” … Rob … or you could just play it safe and rely on skill, but that’s crazy talk. Still with Rob’s attitude, we can only hope for a nice bullfighting challenge in the future.

“You know that thing, the American dream? Amber and I are living it” … Rob … can’t recall when the American dream got bartered down to just being on two reality shows. Though I’d admit watching them each week is growing the nightmare status quite nicely.

“I’m not sure right at this point if I’m going to marry Kelly or not” … Ron … I mean she’s pretty and all, but she sure can’t stack books like Mom could. A man’s got to have standards.

“She rushes a little bit too much. I’m not just about getting married and having kids right away” … Ron … and if she’s watching this now, I’m sure the whole baby making process will be put on hold for Ron, too.

“Tell him (cab driver) something, Kelly." "Rapido” … Ron / Kelly … I know good teams should try to divide up the work, but c’mon, Ron. You can handle “rapido” yourself.

“Ray tunes me out every once in awhile. That gets a little bit irritating” … Deana … don’t worry Deana. I’m sure once a commercial shows up in his brain, he’ll tune you back in.

“He needs to start communicating with me more” … Deana … be careful what you wish for Deana. You may just have doubled your “suck it up” quota.

“You’re always ignoring me. I’m sick of it. Then start asserting yourself” … Deana / Ray … point taken. Now if only she had hung onto that 7 pound fish, the assertion process could begin in earnest.

“She wants to have me usher her through every situation. I think she needs to step up and do it herself” … Ray … Ah, the sense of empowerment. I guess she won’t be needing the court clerk to deliver the restraining order. She can step up and do it herself.

“We just don’t want to make any dumb mistakes” … Ray … well, first there was the choosing of each other as teammates … so let’s call it not making any more dumb mistakes.

“Joyce and I have a goal to figure out what’s going on with our relationship” … Uchenna … and apparently the whole talking thing wasn’t working, so let’s do the next best thing and drive to Argentina.

“Alex and I want to win and we want to beat Rob and Amber” … Lynn … one might think that the winning and beating Rob and Amber go hand in hand. Unless they’re talking physically beating Rob, in which case, dare to live your own American dream.

“We’re strong and sheer determination will get us through this race” … Bianca … but what happens when the irresistible force of determination meets the immovable object of map reading? No good can come from this.

“I have a hard time keeping things to myself. Meredith understands me now. I love him to death and I make it up to him in a lot of other ways” … Gretchen …quickly approaching the border of what you want and don’t want to hear on TV. Still, it might explain why Meredith’s hair seems to be continually standing on end.

“The one thing for Patrick that I want is for him to be happy. I think he needs a boyfriend in his life” … Susan … feminism apparently hasn’t taught Susan that women or Patrick don’t need a man to make them happy. Then again, for a million dollars, Patrick might just have his pick of the litter.
Did they exchange hidden spy cameras for Christmas this year?
“My Mom wishes that there was somebody that was keeping track of me like she would like to keep track of me” … Patrick … you can just feel the love and trust in this family. Did they exchange hidden spy cameras for Christmas this year?

“Starting in last place for the Amazing Race. 6’3 and 6’4. The Smith Brothers” … Brian … glad to see they’ve brought a cheering section along, but if they don’t start racing better, they are going to get cut from this team or worse … traded to Big Brother.

“We had a little taste of what elimination might taste like, the prior leg” … Brian … and as expected, it tasted a bit like chicken.

“Don’t get mad at me if I don’t where I’m going and you ask me where I’m going cause I’m navigating.” … Greg … okay, I admit there is not much benefit in getting mad, but then again expecting the navigator to know where he’s going really shouldn’t be that much of a stretch.

“We’re driving ourselves to Argentina." "Argentina?” …. Greg / Brian … if country names sound surprising, it’s becoming clearer why Brian was not assigned the role of navigator.

“5 o’clock hours. You wanna walk around for a minute?” … Kelly / Ron … and if we like that, we’ll just do it 150 or so more times until the carpark opens.

“I don’t know what our choice is gonna be except to stay here and wait until they open up” … Ray … of course, to come up with other choices would require independent thought. Since Rob’s not around, there will be none of that, then.

“I’m waiting for them (Debbie and Bianca). Oh no. It’s okay. We take ‘em” … Cab driver / Rob … it was nice of Rob to try and put the cab driver’s conscious at ease while screwing over Debbie and Bianca … very feng shui.

“That’ll teach ‘em for accusing somebody of lying” … Rob … well, if the lesson was that accused liars often carry grudges, then lesson learned.

“Best way to get directions in Santiago. Get a police escort” … Rob … not exactly ripped from the pages of Fodor’s. Still, one can hope that either there’s not much going on in downtown Santiago for the cops to do, or that any missed mugging victims were big Survivor fans.

“You see that sign right there. It says to the North” … Meredith … Meredith deciding to show off a little bit to Gretchen. Hopefully he’s got the Spanish signs for “Do not enter”, “Falling rocks”, and “Dead end” in his repertoire as well.

“Al Norte. We’re going somewhere” … Brian … the famous words that cause laughter amongst teammates and serious concerns and regrets amongst camera crews.

“I’m retarded with directions. I’m so bad” … Bianca … which on some teams might beg the question “then why am I navigating again?”, but the girls proudly plow on.

“This takes us to Argentina country and mountain” … Gretchen … Argentina country and mountain … one of the most popular sporting good stores in South America. Lowest prices in all the pampas.
When your highways are potentially filled with “somethings,” it might be time to re-evaluate your choice of navigators.
“I think we passed some kind of exit or something” … Bianca … good tip: when your highways are potentially filled with “somethings,” it might be time to re-evaluate your choice of navigators.

“Debbie, I think we’re okay” … Bianca … okay, we’re going the right way? Okay, we’re not too badly lost? Okay, we’re still in South America. How okay are we?

“I think we’re just freaking out” … Bianca … nah. The freaking out will start in another couple of hours. These are just the fatal moments felt prior to the long road to freaking out.

“We’ve got this weird, strange feeling that the other teams kinda got it out for us” … Amber … the other teams are taking this bribery, scheming, and stealing taxis grudge of theirs way too seriously.

“Everyone said the first chance they got they’re going to yield Amber and Rob. So let’s see if people have huevos around here” … Alex … or let’s not and just say we did. The CBS censors will only let so many things go. A huevo display might be the last straw

“I’ve got to watch the roads. And contend with me. And contend with you on a full time basis” … Meredith / Gretchen … Meredith overcomes the urge to take the easy way out and roll the truck down the Andes.

“This is a no left turn. Then how do you do this then?” … Patrick … might be a stretch, but I would say it involves either going straight or making a right, but you’re the navigator.

“They’re all stupid. Not that we’re doing much better with directions. I’m just saying” … Bianca on the toll operators … weird how nobody around here knows anything about this Argentinean landmark. Maybe those nice people beside the Welcome to Bolivia sign might know something.

“When I think of heaven, this is what I think of” … Kelly … easy to say when you haven’t been driving for 3 hours. Still it was pretty, though I was hoping for a heaven with a little less snow and driving involved.

“The current will propel them forward, but navigating the river’s twists and turns could slow them down” … Phil … and considering some of the teams’ navigational abilities, Phil is being quite serious. It’s a couple thousand miles off course to the Amazon river, but I still wouldn’t put it past them.

“We’ve got Meredith and Gretchen directly in front of us." "Going about 8km/hr” … Brian / Greg … a bit slow, but between that and having Gretchen throwing up in the back seat, I can’t blame Meredith for making the wise choice.

“Let’s get a grande size” … Brian on the bikes … and in a bold move, the Argentinean Starbucks expands from coffee into bicycles.

“This is like when we were kids riding bikes” … Brian … those cherished memories of childhood … heading off on the dirt trail to the Andes, with our portable camera helmets. Brings a tear to one’s eye.

“I was just so sick at that point of Rob and Amber being in front of me. I had had it” … Alex … considering this was the first time he’d seen them in 3 hours, Alex’s breaking point is a little low.

“Gay boys took on the boy from Boston and the girl from the island. And they lost” … Lynn … not familiar with the vast archipelagos of Beaver, Pennsylvania where Amber is from, but good for the gay boys anyway.

“The whole time I was thinking, you’re getting in shape, you’re getting in shape. You’re burning fat calories. You’re getting married soon. You’ve got to fit into a dress” … Amber … this could be a problem down the road. We’re running out of reality shows for Amber to be on, so we might have to expect big things from Amber in the future.

“Wow, look at the ocean." "Wow” … Debbie / Bianca … impressive indeed, but either we’re really lost, or the grandeur of the Andes was vastly overstated … aside from being on the wrong side as well.

“The key to the clue was to go through the Andes” … Debbie … and sadly it took 2 hours for this key to sink in. Too bad they didn’t have a bigger key that included the phrase “and stay away from the friggin’ Pacific Ocean.”
Well, at least Hell has some nice beaches, despite its toll road.
“This is hell." "This is hell, yeah” … Debbie / Bianca … heaven being located somewhere in the Andes mountains, apparently. Well, at least Hell has some nice beaches, despite its toll road.

“The problem is we were supposed to stay on the 5 for maybe 10 minutes and we stayed on for 2 hours” … Debbie … well, that’s actually the result. The problem was that the navigator kept you on the road for 2 hours by confusing the term “Andes Mountains” with “Pacific Ocean.”

“Honey, are you all right? Do you need some mouth to mouth resuscitation?” … Gretchen … nice to see romance and flirting are still alive. Pity it has to come at a time that Meredith really needs an oxygen mask quick.

“You’re one hot chick out there in the white water rafting” … Uchenna … interesting way to rebuild a relationship … wait till your wife is wearing a giant life jacket and helmet and then call her hot. One poorly timed message, and Joyce has got a whole new wardrobe.

“Uchenna blew us out of the water. I work out all the time and I’m in good shape. I don’t know if they had Olympic rowers or what it was … Ray … Uchenna either had less head weight to carry, or Ray just didn’t suck it up enough. A little from both columns, I expect.

“That person has to eat a traditional Argentinean meal consisting of cow rib, pork sausage, blood sausage, cow intestine, cow udder, two entire kidneys, and part of cow’s saliva gland” … Phil … traditional Argentinean meal? This will continue to perpetuate the myth that Argentina was originally founded by lost Scotsmen looking for a good tan.

“Lynn, when you’re doing an eating challenge, the last thing you want to hear is barf it up” … Alex … Actually, the last thing you want to hear is “Is that thing still moving?”, but neither phrase works wonders for the participant or the viewers at home.

“This seems familiar. I’m having flashbacks of death and almost dying. This is wonderful” … Debbie … so Debbie has made it back from hell and now is visualizing death. By pit stop time, she should be in the prime of her life.

“It was important for me to get back in the water and get over that fear” … Debbie … plus a 7-mile bike ride over railway tracks. That’s no picnic, either.

“Is it any good or is it yucky?" "I don’t want to talk about it” … Amber / Rob … Rob’s never been a man of many or complicated words, but it’s probably fair to say that when you are staring cow kidneys in the face, yucky doesn’t quite cover it.

“Four pounds is a lot of meat" "Four pounds is nothing, buddy” … Rob / Greg … the glass is half full for some, half empty for others. Sadly, this glass also comes with its own bucket, too.

“The brains and intestine are the nastiest part” … Rob … don’t recall seeing brains on the menu. Maybe one of the cooks saw Rob and just felt sorry for him.

“When I make brains at home, they’re so tender and juicy. It’s so good” … Greg … isn’t that always the case? No matter where you travel, you just can’t good brains when you’re on the road. Nothing compares to home.

“The beauty of the plan was that it was foolproof” … Rob … foolproof in the fact that it relies on some racers being foolish enough to trust Rob. Enter Ray and Deana.

“As soon as I hooked Ray and Deana, I was guaranteed not to be eliminated. Guaranteed” … Rob … back with the I’s again, I see. Nice to see Rob isn’t letting that whole team thing get in the way of his winning.

“Today was about the worst eating experience I’ve ever had in my life, and mind you, I lost 25 pounds in about18 days in an Iraqi prison” … Ron … that’s nothing. On the Argentinean menu, you’ll gain and lose 4 pound in a matter of hours.

“Not saying the food in the Iraqi prison was worse, but I didn’t have to eat 4 pounds of it” … Ron … yeah, the philosophy of overfeeding prisoners just never caught on in the Iraqi prison system, I guess.

“I owe you a big one. Yes, you do” … Kelly / Ron … hopefully that amounts to more than just Kelly making him a nice dinner.

“Do you want a mint? Ha ha. Do I want a mint!” … Joyce / Uchenna … but Uchenna, it is only wafer thin. Plus if he’s expecting a kiss at the pit stop, this is an important first step.

“A big part of the sweetness for Alex and I was that we beat Amber and Rob” … Lynn … and since CBS didn’t seem to offer a trip or cash for coming in 1st this time, that might have to be the only part of the sweetness.

“You were like the monster eater but you got beaten out on the drive from the roadblock to the pit stop” … Phil … well, as long as the Race has more eating challenges and they don’t have to drive anywhere, Uchenna and Joyce could take this thing.

“We’ll find some cheap meal in Mendoza." "This tastes like a steak” … Patrick / Susan … good news, you’ll be getting a free meal in Mendoza. Can’t offer you the steak though, but it is from the same animal.
If those two words set him off, I wonder what “screw you” would do.
“Do it!" "Yeah, you see this is why I need you to be quiet” … Susan / Patrick … I guess she forgot to say the magic word. If those two words set him off, I wonder what “screw you” would do.

“If you were doing this, I would have sympathy for you” … Patrick … shame on you, Susan, for offering something impractical like advice, when there is some coddling to be done.

“I would start vomiting." "No, you wouldn’t." "Mom, you’d be curled up in the fetal position crying” … Susan / Patrick … man, with this much disrespect to a parent, Susan should probably give Patrick a demonstration on how to vomit right then and there.

“The more you do this, the more it makes me not want to do it just to spite you because you’re being so insensitive” … Patrick … willing to risk losing a million dollars to have a hissy fit with his mother. You have to admire his principles, if not his intelligence and really crappy timing.

“Whatever. You decide what you’re going to do." "I will decide what I’m going to do." "I can’t believe you” … Susan / Patrick … good honest youthful rebellion. Don’t worry, Susan. After eating 4 pounds of meat, I’m sure that will get tossed up, too.

“Debbie already has her pants undone” … Bianca … she left her draw string eating pants in the car, so she’ll just have to make do.

“This chick’s (Debbie) tough. She had the --- to yell at me. She’s got to be” … Rob … the standards for toughness sure have taken a tumble. Nice to see that my normal impulses of yelling at Rob can now be graduated up to tough talk.

“You two (Rob and Amber) are looking very pleased with yourselves” … Phil … that’s just one of two standard looks, Phil, with scheming being the other one. With practice, Rob might one day make it up to the Mr. Potato Head level in his expressions.

“I didn’t think I could do it, but I found a way to plot and scheme in the Amazing Race” … Rob … how proud you must be. Without your plotting and scheming, I might get distracted with people actually racing on the Amazing Race.

“There are teams at the roadblock not moving because you convinced them not to move. How do you do that?” … Phil … the combination of greed plus gullibility. Deadly in the hands of the master.

“If I have to do it, I can do it” … Patrick … no, “have to do it” came and left about 2 hours ago. Now we’ve reached the “just do it and end the drama” realm.

“I just needed the pressure” … Patrick … would that be social, mental, or gastro-intestinal?

“When you guys came in 1st on the first leg, I was pretty confident you guys would be running in the top 3 teams” … Phil … either proves the point that bad things can happen at any time, or that Phil really sucks at predicting winners.


You have to admire Ray’s determination. Who needs to look at hours of operation, when there are doors that can be ripped open?

Rob’s credo on traveling: Why go to the trouble of pre-ordering a cab when stealing someone else’s is an option?

I understand we need to know that Debbie and Bianca missed the turn-off, but really, how many shots of an off ramp do we really need to see?

The curvy roads of the Andes … elevation-related or just an elaborate make work project?

Travel tip for Susan and Patrick: if it takes you 2 hours to get out of a town, maybe a second set of directions is in order. Hell, Debbie and Bianca were halfway to Bolivia by then.

Quick map review for Debbie and Bianca. From Chile, Argentina is east, the Andes are east. So heading north for 2 _ hours is a good reason because?

Mountain biking down a train track. Extreme sport or Argentinean death wish.

Was God cheering for the girls or just pitying them when he granted their flat tire wish. And had they then known their power, should they have just prayed for the million, or simply for Rob’s nose to start growing?

As interesting as it looked, I don’t think the “carry the Mountain bike hike” sport Brian and Greg are trying to introduce will really become a big hit.
Who knew the Atkins diet could trace its roots back to Argentinean traditional meals?
Who knew the Atkins diet could trace its roots back to Argentinean traditional meals? Four pounds of meat … you could just hear the weight dropping off.

Not to rain on Argentinean traditional meals, but someone should really let them know that having a steak might be a good new tradition to start, too.

Do you think Uchenna is going to be a little more careful with who he sits beside while eating from now on? Or at least bring an extra pair of shoes if he’s eating with Alex?

Congrats to Ray and Deana for being the only two people in reality television that still believe that a Rob and Amber deal can benefit somebody besides Rob and Amber.

As tempting as losing 25 pounds in 18 days sounds, there are certain drawbacks to the Iraqi prison diet that probably means it will never catch on big.

Couldn’t quite gauge whether Phil was more impressed or terrified with Lynn and Alex’s synchronized rowing moves. Rowing technique meets funky choreography.

Had to admire Deana for at least trying the roadblock. I mean they brought the food out to her and put it on her lap and everything. She did everything humanly possible, short of actually eating some of the food.

The chance to beat Rob vs. eating 4 pounds of food. What can I say … Rob can certainly inspire people.

Doing shots of meat … I’m surprised that the cook didn’t cut Debbie off after the 3rd pound or that other BBQers weren’t buying her extra pounds to chug back. Thankfully, Bianca assured them that she was the designated driver.

Maybe next leg, Rob and Amber can save more time. Bribe Phil, take a 12-hour penalty for all the checkpoints, and just head to the pit stop. And if possible, get Ray and Deana to carry their bags, too.

With Debbie and Bianca gone, there will be a massive drop in hugs during the show, not to mention a severe lack of I love yous. Maybe Lynn and Alex can pick up the slack.

With both female teams out so quickly, somewhere two Hillbillies are very happy.