Amazing Race Rants

Amazing Race Rant — Episode Two


“Will Rob and Amber continue to use their Survivor notoriety to get ahead?” Phil they better. Aside from a baseball cap that can rotate, they aren't bringing a lot to the table.
Escaping from the Iraqis is one thing but herding llamas that can shatter anyone's confidence.
“And can Ron and Kelly climb out of last place after narrowly avoiding elimination?” Phil a tough spot to get out of. Escaping from the Iraqis is one thing but herding llamas that can shatter anyone's confidence.

“Once there, teams must find this shoe shine union to receive their next clue” Phil the Peruvian shoe shine union? Involved in the famous Sandal riots of the 1960s, no doubt. Their last leader is buried in a shoe box under some Cuzconian soccer field.

“It's very important to Debbie and I to be the first women team to win the race” Bianca well, winning a million dollars is a pretty good incentive, too, but they didn't get spat on by llamas with dreams of coming in second.

“I don't think the other teams see us as a threat, like, ‘oh, we can get rid of that cheesy mom and son'” Patrick sorry, Patrick. Coming in second place in the last leg probably didn't do much to promote the whole “non-threatening” plan, but I'm sure Mom appreciates being called cheesy on national TV.

“We are a lot smarter than anyone gives us credit for” Patrick let's hope so. Aside from being obsessed with a serious Rob and Amber complex, I haven't seen a lot of brain activity so far.

“Rob is definitely the leader of our team. I think he feels comfortable with it” Amber being in a position of power and control? Yeah, I think that falls in Rob's comfort zone as long as he gets to screw people, too.

“I like to talk some sense into him sometimes” Amber yeah, it's evident that he's a changed man since Survivor. Since being with Amber, Rob has apparently stopped using crowbars to open trunks, however.

“but if he needs to make those important decisions, I just let him do it” Amber because he's going to be doing it anyway.

“Greg and I have a strategy on this race and that's to build relationships and friendships with all the teams” Brian since all the other teams are here for the million, it's not really the solid base you want to build a long term friendship on, but at least they won't be lonely at the pit stops.

“And Deanna's here as window dressing and I know that's wrong. I need two people to win this thing” Ray and CBS has informed me that my ego and attitude don't count as a person on their own. So Deanna is here to stay.

“You're on the secret list” Ray to Uchenna it's between you and me and the camera crews, and Rob's paid them off, too.

“Just play dumb” Ray to Uchenna follow Ray's lead on that. He's a master.

“Heidi and I feel we can get a lot further acting alone” Megan and consequently they may avoid bringing down other teams with them.

“Naturally Heidi and I are leaders and we will take control of things” Megan if there is a wrong pile to be digging in, Heidi and I will be all over it.

“My hair keeps blowing in my mouth. Put it behind your ears” Heidi / Megan the blondes with some warm-up problem-solving exercises. Next, the dreaded bubble gum-walking scenario. Chew, step, chew step.

“Kelly's the beauty queen. She's never dealt with having to rough it. She's really been out of her element.” Ron good team motivation, Ron. Bet his Army squad really looked forward to his pre-mission pep talks.
Of all of the people to bribe, he chooses the Sgt. Schultz of the Peruvian security force.
“I was getting help from a security guard there and he says I am told I cannot help you” Alex bad luck, Rob. Of all of the people to bribe, he chooses the Sgt. Schultz of the Peruvian security force. What's the Spanish translation for “I know nothing!”?

“Did you talk to the security guard, Rob? Did I talk to him, yeah. Did you tell him not to tell us anything. No, I didn't tell him that at all” Alex/Rob of course, my friends Jefferson, Jackson, and Franklin may have mentioned something to that effect, but I didn't say a thing.

“All the ten of you, going back and forth whispering. It doesn't do anybody any good at all” Rob it certainly hasn't done much good for Rob's plan to escape. From now on, no more whispering unless you are on the secret list.

“Lying to somebody is completely different” Bianca trying to ignite Rob's sense of morality and fair play. If Bianca's waiting for a light from heaven to shine down and a big hallelujah from Rob, we could be here a while.

“Accusing somebody of lying. That's personal” Rob it is pretty bad. It's almost as personal as actually lying to somebody.

“Let's just say that it's a good thing that people can't be voted off” Lynn cuts down on the copyright infringement law suits, too. Plus I'm sure the airlines weren't too keen on carrying those torches around all the time.

“Brian and Greg are really nice down to earth guys. They are a lot more like Heidi and I than we would have even thought” Megan I'm really trying to see how the guys would take that as a compliment. Might be time for the brothers to regroup and figure out if they really are that messed up.

“What Ray, Uchenna, and Ron don't know is I never really chipped in my five and I put it back in my pocket and I'm only using their money to bribe him” Rob Rob's trying to impress his only friend on the trip the camera guy. It's just like going to a confessional, without all the need for that pesky remorse and penance stuff.

“One sol give it to manager, please” Gretchen having a “manager” collecting the money for Gretchen's work on the streets. Suddenly shoe shinning becomes the world's second oldest profession.

“I need to polish some shoes. Help me” Joyce a cool technique, Joyce, but I'm afraid loud desperation in a foreign language just aren't key motivators for people to get their shoes shined. It's a good way to meet the police, though, and they must have shoes back at the station that need a polish.

“Polish some shoes. American style. American stylio” Brian hmmm, looks suspiciously like the Peruvian style with funky sunglasses and attitude but I'd admit it does put some sizzle into the steak.

“You've got to entertain these people because they don't want a shoe shine. They want to be treated well” Brian having a full camera crew taping it didn't hurt, either. Probably thought they were going to be on the 6 o'clock news, or in some documentary “American Shoe Shiner The Peruvian Odyssey.”

“We're just at the back of the pack again. But that's okay ‘cause we're good at pulling up the rear” Alex/Lynn man, CBS censors, how'd that one fly under the radar? I could hear the collective shudder of hetro male America after that line.
Keep playing to your strengths Kelly stating the obvious and single digit math.
“Right now Ron and I know we're one out of five teams on this first flight, so we know we're in the first group” Kelly keep playing to your strengths Kelly stating the obvious and single digit math.

“This is where Uchenna and I really have to step our own game” Joyce or at least come up with an improved one over the “act dumb” philosophy.

“We have to beg for money” Susan or they could always try to trade/exchange the American money they do have. Some people are known to like U.S. dollars.

“I work in construction so I know that sometimes when you have a load that's really high, it depends on how you stack it to make it more stable” Rob it is a great philosophy on book stacking. Now if he could master stabilizing inter-personal relationships, he'd have that human thing down pat.

“What was the name of the street? You know what? I don't speak Spanish” Ron/Kelly it's a pity that Kelly didn't have time to take a basic Spanish course the kind where they teach you simple Spanish nouns and verbs, plus how to remember and pronounce Spanish street names.

“This guy speaks absolutely no English. This is ridiculous” Greg what was the Peruvian cab driver thinking when he took this job? That the majority of his fares would be speaking Spanish? The fool.

“We got to shop till we drop” Gretchen coming from a 66-year-old, these are not the kind of comments that will make the insurers of the Amazing Race sleep better at night. Thank God for those waivers.

“Three kilograms. Oh, my God” Meredith Meredith discovers the con of this detour shopping using the metric system.

“She's going to count. I can't count” Kelly on the librarian Kelly's weakness revealed. One poorly placed math question in the finals, and she may never have won her Miss South Carolina crown.

“You just ran over my ankle.” “You're walking behind. I can't see your ankle. C'mon pick those up” Deanna/Ray I'm sure she was hoping for a “sorry about that.” I'm just grateful that it was a “pick those up” instead of a “suck it up.”

“Ok, 78 books.” “How ‘bout 68” Kelly/Ron say it with me, Kelly no more math, no more math. If you don't have your shoes off, don't go over 10 on the math problems.
Without Amber's million, Rob would probably be back practicing brick stacking on a dolly in Boston.
“I could never do this without him. I would not be here right now if he wasn't standing with me right now” Amber Rob feels the same way. Without Amber's million, Rob would probably be back practicing brick stacking on a dolly in Boston.

“Fish eeeew, I don't want to touch it” Lynn and the plan to emphasize their competitive and butch mannerisms takes a giant leap backwards.

“Take it then. It's a gift” Merchant to Lynn the gift of garlic. This lady's house at Christmas must be a barrel of laughs.

“You've got a rigged scale. Your scale is rigged” Lynn not a bad ice breaker, but how about opening with the line “this fish is too small, can we have a bigger one?” It might have rated better results than that of being openly attacked by fishmongers.

“I'm sorry that we're crazy but we're in a race” Debbie see, explaining the reason behind the craziness doesn't dismiss the whole “crazy” reality. Maybe not telling a cab driver you are crazy for any reason might be best..

“Okay, you guide us from here. Meredith is trying his best” Meredith when Meredith starts thinking like third person Meredith, maybe first person Gretchen might want to take the reins for awhile.

“Fix your hair. Pat it down” Gretchen to Meredith okay, I can see the girls primping a bit for Phil, but Meredith? I can't see Phil going off camera “they're good racers, but what the hell was up with Meredith's hair?” He saw Adam all of last season, you know.

“Seventh is better than a sharp stick in the eye” Meredith not to go too far out on a limb here, but I'd still take last place over the sharp stick in the eye, too.

“It's going to be this dramatic each time” Patrick on arriving at the pit stop making us all long for their speedy removal from the race.

“Shhh. Use your library voice” Greg wouldn't want to make enemies of the Chilean librarians they have connections to the Peruvian shoe shine union, you know.

“And that must be real hard to watch these guys (Megan and Heidi) coming in” Phil to Brian and Greg it will be rough. The depression is probably going to ruin the first 20 minutes of the pit stop for them.

“I just wish them luck. I can tell they felt really really bad” Megan not surprising. Beating the blondes by mere seconds in the race is bound to shake anybody's confidence up a bit.


Arequipa the small city with apparently many different pronunciations.

Maybe the security guard would have been better off telling everybody about the later bus. It probably would have saved that overwhelming sense of nausea that was plaguing the racers.

Coolest Spanish convert Ron becoming Ronaldo. Kelly is still stuck at “Gringa” status.

If Debbie charged one sol for the shoe shine, how much did she earn off the flirty shine talk? They could have afforded to take a limo to airport with her performance.

Debbie provided some impressive customer service. Not only did her first customer leave with a good shine but also the happy feeling that he just scored with the shoe shine girl.

Another race, another funicular to a statue clue. Where has the imagination gone, Amazing Race?

Just what did Patrick do to piss off the Shoe Shine Union to end up with that bandage on his face? Suggesting a non-union polish perhaps?

Chile the home of Noble prize-winning authors. Bet they sure appreciate having their books being lugged around by reality show contestants.

Using your own money for shopping? Thanks for the budget cuts, CBS. Do you need us to pick up some tape for the cameras, too, or are you good?

Chilean funiculars one of the few American dollar-free zones left on the planet.

Note to Ron there aren't too many times when it's a good idea to copy off of Rob and Amber, but when it comes to building and stacking stuff, you can make an exception.

How is it that every other team had time to exchange U.S dollars into pesos except Susan and Patrick? Plotting against Rob and Amber is pretty time consuming, I guess.

If Susan and Patrick ever come last in a non-exemption round, at least they've had a chance to practice their begging skills already.
Who knew that one of Elvis's illegitimate sons would grow up to be a Chilean chef?
Who knew that one of Elvis's illegitimate sons would grow up to be a Chilean chef?

Did the fish mongers drop the price for Meredith and Gretchen because
  • they were kind
  • they were on camera or
  • they had their fill of old people begging for fish

Note to Susan making a poofy hat gesture to indicate you mean a “chef” only works if people are familiar Chef Boyardee.

Note to Meredith and Gretchen running around and screaming Chico Lolo in a crowded market is more likely to inspire fear than help. Sounds like a raid to me Chico's out of here.

What kind of recipe uses one small onion for a 6 pound fish?

As a chef, if you'll work with a 3kg fish but not a 2.9kg one, are you being a smidge too picky?

Chilean fishmongers have been called many things, but I'm betting that “bitches” is a first.

If the teams are paying for the ingredients, should they not have at least gotten to eat some lunch? This is pure profit for the chef come back any time Amazing Race, I know some good Chilean steak and lobster dishes, too.

None of the teams want Rob and Amber to win because they already have a million. On the flip side, however, at the rate they are bribing every official and driver they meet, they may need the million by the end.

When Rob tells all his evil deeds to the camera, is he figuring that none of the teams are going to watch the show after the race, or that any reunion show will be behind bullet proof glass?