Amazing Race Rants

Amazing Race Rant — Episode One


"Helicopters are now racing the teams towards the harbour" … Phil … well I guess that's adds a little more drama than "Greyhound buses are now racing the teams towards the harbour." Lucky that Survivor and Fear Factor didn't need their helicopters that week.

"Bianca and I just love to have a good time. We're always goofing off. We're silly, silly, silly, silly, silly" … Debbie … and it's a good thing that customs agents, taxi drivers, and policeman really have a great love and patience for silly, silly goof-offs. They should have no problems at all.
To think anything else would just be silly, silly, silly.
"Debbie and I are both fearless. We're tough. We are intelligent. We're strong and we can win this thing" … Bianca … to think anything else would just be silly, silly, silly.

"Alex and I have pretty sharp claws, definitely. But we only use them if you tick us off" … Lynn / Alex … of course, the fact that the other teams want to win the million too might be enough to tick them off anyway, so expect scratches aplenty.

"I don't want to be breaking any nails" … Lynn … going straight to plan B "the kicking and daggers in the back" strategy. Not pretty, but it does save a good manicure.

"If the teams were smart, they would never get on our bad side because it's all downhill after that" … Alex … you could certainly kiss any free fashion advice good-bye.

"We'll scratch their eyes out. When they're not looking" … Lynn … warning to the other teams … don't piss Lynn and Alex, and plan to sleep with both eyes closed.

"Rob and I are definitely looking forward to life of settling down and having a house" … Amber … they've won a million dollars and they haven't managed to find a house yet. Just what neighbourhoods have they been looking in?

"We've gone through Survivor. We've experienced the sleep deprivation, the malnutrition" … Rob … okay, malnutrition I can see, but sleep deprivation? Except for plotting, just when was Rob not sleeping on Survivor?

"Any problem that is going to arise is not going to be a physical problem for us" … Rob … mental problems, however, are a different story. I'm guessing their shoes are probably Velcro.

"Chuck and I's size is not an issue. I believe that's what makes us a bit like teddy bears so when we have to use the natives of whatever land we're in, they just take up with us." … Ryan … not that the "natives" wouldn't enjoy being "used," but teddy bears that can easily crush you … that seals the deal.

"They're gonna like two old fat fellows coming from the hills of South Carolina" … Ryan … or just run to stay out of their way. Either way, they'll make an impression.

"Everybody is gonna think we're two plain old hillbillies 'til we open up and show 'em what we're really made of" … Chuck … not sure the viewing audience is ready for that, but at least the Amazing Race gives a chance for everybody to experience different world cultures, including apparently South Carolina.
These two blondes sharing one brain. Yeah, I think I can come to grips with that. No problem.
"Heidi and I are pretty much two halves of one whole person. It's an odd thing to understand" … Megan … these two blondes sharing one brain. Yeah, I think I can come to grips with that. No problem.

"People may underestimate us on the race, being that we're thin." … Megan … I never knew that bigger people actually raced better, but I suppose these two could be underestimated because there is less of them to estimate.

"We have blonde hair. We probably look ditzy to them" … Megan … not ditzy. But two friends that dress and look alike … that falls more into the strange and bizarre arena.

"Mom and I have no problem letting other teams assume she's little Suzy homemaker and I'm little, ya know, gay guy" … Patrick … ah, the infamous little gay guy stereotype. If he works out more, maybe he can graduate to the big gay guy stereotype.

"Patrick and I have a devious side to us and yes, we are willing to lie to get ahead" … Susan … like mother, like son, I guess, but it seems they're getting their Survivor and Amazing Race application videos mixed up. The big plan on winning: making everyone else lose.

"We are not the Cleavers" …Patrick … yeah, I must have missed the Leave it to Beaver episode where Ward found out about Wally and the Beav being more than just friends.

"We're here for business and we're here to pick out people one by one by one" … Patrick … and in our spare time, we intend to actually race and go places, too. But mainly it's about messing people up.

"Our team strategy from the beginning has been old age and treachery can outperform youth and inexperience" … Meredith … evil grandparents, another fairy tale myth destroyed. Still they may find that treachery only goes so far in a 100-meter sprint for the pitstop.

"Meredith calls me a Mother Tiger. When I'm being cornered, the other teams are gonna have to know to look out." … Gretchen … who would have guessed that the first cat claw fight might be between Lynn and Gretchen. Puts a weird spin on the whole cat fight imagery.

"Biggest thing we've got going for us is that Greg and I are brothers" … Brian … blood is a powerful bond, but it also might have been cool to have a friend along that's traveled and speaks more than English.

"We know each other so well, we're not going to waste time arguing and stuff" … Brian … plus any fights on TV and Mom will probably ground them both.

"We're looking for the race to respark our relationship and really make a team of us again" … Uchenna … don't know about its team-making ability but reality TV certainly can guarantee the sparks to occur … and the fire, burning, and general destruction that goes with it.

"Hopefully when we win the money, we can have the baby that we dream of having" … Joyce … or at the very least, a divorce and a kick-ass pet goldfish. Whatever works.

"Ron and Kelly. Former P.O.W. and pageant queen." … Phil … man, I hope they're talking about both of them here, or else Ron was pretty busy after being released.

"Ron and I basically met because I needed someone to escort me when I gave up my title as Miss South Carolina. And who better to have than a former P.O.W.?" … Kelly … maybe it doesn't exactly top the list, but it beats taking your brother to the prom.

"I'm a very competitive person myself, but I'm not that extreme (as Ray)" … Deanna … is bringing an "extreme" anyone onto a stressful race really that smart a game plan?
Phew, nothing serious. They only have problems with decision-making. How often does that come up on the race?
"If it's not Ray's way, it's the highway, and that's where we butt heads" … Deanna … phew, nothing serious. They only have problems with decision-making. How often does that come up on the race?

"I don't what it is that keeps Deanna and I together, but it's stronger than what's tearing us apart" … Ray … see, the fact that you can't say it's love keeping you together, might just be one of the things that is tearing you two apart. Then again, maybe it's laziness.

"Honey, open the trunk." "Yeah. If I knew how" … Amber / Rob … the mental curveballs start early for Rob. He got the door open though, so at least a small victory can be claimed.

"Don't bother being courteous. We're in a race" … Megan … the racing morals lasted all the way to the parking lot. That's a new race record. I was expecting tire slashing from this lot.

"None of the other teams know that we grew up in California." "We know where the airport is" … Uchenna / Joyce … everyone in California by default knows the best route from Long Beach to LAX, I guess. The rest of the teams will have to rely on those map things to find the obscure LAX airport.

"I'm only going 50." "You're going 70, Heidi." "Oh, I'm looking at the wrong thing" … Megan / Heidi … damn German engineering and their two dials on the dash. I know they were worried about being thought of as ditzy, but this might be a good time to review that whole gas/brake pedal concept.

"Chuck and I's whole goal about this is do it well and beat everybody" … Ryan … maybe a tad scarce on the details, but as hillbilly plans go, it ain't too shabby.

"Peru is like donkeys and blankets" … Lynn … don't forget the donkeys wearing blankets, too. If Lynn wrote for Fodor's, the Peru book would be down to pamphlet size.

"Honey, I would hate for you to make a sweeping generalization" … Alex … after all, you wouldn't want all of Peru snapping blankets and sicking donkeys on you.

"Wonders that be why we are not at home in our easy chairs in front of the fireplace watching this instead of sitting here actually being in it" … Gretchen … if you are starting to forget how you got on the race, maybe this is not the best way to start the race.

"It's all right. We left in last, but we're going to get there first" … Rob … an easy way to tell if a Rob boast has any validity to it, is to examine the context. If it comes out of Rob's mouth, it mostly likely isn't true.

"We've got rules to follow, baby." "I understand that but there are 10,000 people out here. They're all breaking the rules" … Ray / Deanna … Deanna not quite understanding the difference between "racing" and "commuting." When a million dollars isn't on the line, it's a little easier to ride the pedal a bit harder.

"We're going to have to watch those two (the brothers). They are definitely in it to win it, you know what I mean" … Uchenna … you mean they're racing to win the million dollars? How many other teams feel this way, I wonder?

"There go the happy boys" … Ryan on Lynn and Alex … well, if they're laughing at you because they're passing you, happy might be a bit of a stretch. What's a good word for evil happy?

"They're uncomfortable 'cause normally they're on a tractor" … Lynn … but carrying on the stereotype, they're probably also uncomfortable without their shotguns. So mind your manners, or you won't be the happy boys for long.

"Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. I'm so sorry" … Heidi on the near accident … love may mean never having to say you're sorry, but a near-death experience might be the exception. Might be time for the camera guy to take a cab and just meet them at the airport.

"Oh man. They almost got wrecked. That's sucks" … Lynn … better luck next time, Lynn. I'm afraid you'll have to keep racing them for now.

"This isn't Survivor, ya know. You're allowed to eat." "I'm looking forward to losing some weight. We need to lose some weight" … Rob / Amber … not sure where Amber needs to lose it, but Rob's neck seems to be suffering from excessive weight strain.

"I'm going to kill someone if I keep driving" … Heidi … a threat, a promise, or a good time to open the door and take your chances rolling.
In one bold move, Megan manages to sooth the anxious Heidi, plus prevent to imminent heart-attack of the cameraman.
"Megan is a great partner because she knows me well enough to walk me through doubting myself" … Heidi … in one bold move, Megan manages to sooth the anxious Heidi, plus prevent to imminent heart-attack of the cameraman.

"I'm hoping the race will show Ron and I about each other. Whether we're meant to be or not meant to be" … Kelly … that is the question. Glad they're not resorting to something radical like living together first. What would that prove?
"I can't get the key out, Bianca. We are friggin' brilliant" … Debbie … they're probably not ready for the Chinese key/lock challenge then, but they're still miles ahead of Rob and Amber in the trunk department.

"I think we should go to United Flight 840. I don't know what all those other people are doing" … Lynn on the American flight exodus … either Lynn can't grasp the idea of going to the closest airline first, or he just really prefers to fly the friendly skies with United.

"Losing is not an option. I can't lose. In my mind, I've already won" … Rob … somebody please notify the CBS virtual winner department. Rob wants his imaginary cheque now, please.

"but you know what. If we don't win it, we've already won a million" … Rob … a fact that I'm sure is really going to eliminate all those potential bonding issues with the other teams.

"Get your butt up there. Your cute little pink butt" … Brian to Heidi's car … chivalrous and sexist. Brian making sure that all the bases are well covered.

"American is terminal 4. Wanna get a jog on" … Greg … with a quick jog on/jog off, the brothers display their Karate Kid racing strategy.

"Can you tell us if the United flight lands before this one." "No, they won't know. Let's just get on here and let's go" … Ron / Kelly … expecting an American agent to know about United flights? C'mon. That would have required the United guy to have one of those computer things. Or maybe watching teams from previous seasons do the exact same thing.

"I hope we did the right thing." "Because we are the all American couple" … Ron / Kelly … apparently using a strategy that won't get them too far from America for long.

"Doggone it. I think we're heading away from the airport. Doggone it. I know we are. Oh, God darn it. We have to go all the way around" … Gretchen … the CBS censor probably doesn't know what to do all those "doggones." They'll probably be using Gretchen sound bites later on to bleep out the other teams' swearing.

"We'll have to be a little quicker, I think. We've been taking our time too much" … Rob … the strategy change includes next time finding a car with a roof rack on it.

"That's too bad" … Rob on the shuttle abandoning Meredith and Gretchen … nothing brings out the smile like screwing over old people. Shame there were no banana peels around.

"You guys were saying 'Go, go, go.'" "That's not necessarily true" … Gretchen / Amber … is something being not necessarily true kind of equivalent to someone being not necessarily pregnant?

"We need some flights to Lima, Peru" … Chuck … and if you don't have flights handy, we'll take tickets instead.

"He (Patrick) reminds me of the first boyfriend I ever had" … Megan … oddly enough, he wasn't the last boyfriend, either.

"Did he end up being gay?" "No." "Oh, I am" … Patrick / Megan … nothing like a "Hi, I'm gay" icebreaker to start the race off on an interesting note.

"Those two girls were … never mind" … Brian on the girls kissing … as Brian's plans for a new alliance with the girls quickly moves to center stage.

"If I win the money, it will be to give the money to the guys who were disabled over there" … Ron … it kinds of makes the "I want to buy a new house and a hummer" reason look pretty crappy by comparison. Rob and Amber are just looking to give their other million a new playmate.

"We're in Lima, Peru. Honestly to me it looks a bit like downtown Baghdad" … Ron … given what the guy's been through, that's not exactly a testimonial that will land him the key to city.

"For me it's eye opening. It's certainly not a way that we're accustomed to living" … Susan … American cities being completely devoid of such oddities as run down buildings and buses. And we haven't seen a single McDonald's yet.

"We need someone who can speak English. I can't stand not being able to communicate" … Ray … I suppose Ray could have tried to learn some Spanish in case it came up on a race around the world. But to be fair, the Peruvians are being rather anti-social, just using their mother tongue and all.

"We are looking for a bus to Ancon. And so far it is eluding us. It is a magical bus that we will never find" … Ron … a little known fact that the Who's "Magic Bus" was actually based on the Lima to Ancon run.

"When it comes down to it, these people are going to screw us" … Rob on the other teams … before screwing them, the other teams should look at all the people who've benefited from trusting Rob and Amber. It's a pretty short list … only two names I can think of.

"The busses are grande, grande." "Wow, Alex. You are so international" … Alex / Lynn … general communications might be a problem, but when they find the Lima Starbucks, these two are set.

"We've got all of Peru working for us" … Rob … and yet the whole world rooting against you.

"I watched Survivor. He (Rob) is as dumb as a rock. He couldn't put a sentence together" … Patrick … well, certainly not a truthful one. Or one with big words

"We all need to get on the same bus or we're screwed. We don't speak Spanish" … Ray … updating the old saying, in that apparently that misery and screwed lost people love company.

"Oh my God. It is a million caliento" … Lynn … Lynn, next time work on the Spanish chapter on "how to get around" rather than focusing on "how to tell the temperature."

"I fell down and I couldn't get up" … Meredith … and somewhere in America, alarms are going off in the land of copyright lawyers. Still, it makes for a good commercial audition tape.

"If we get through this day and we survive, it will be the damnest day of our lives" … Meredith … and with only 30 more to go, they are slowly building up to the damnest month of their lives.

"Can you imagine if we didn't find this guy" … Rob … racing without help? That is a stretch. Still, if he was really curious what it would be like, I guess he could just go ask the other teams.

"Before we start digging, we should check the other one." "But it may not be the fastest" … Megan / Heidi … still the other side of that coin is that it might be the fastest. That's where the whole "checking" thing starts to make sense.

"We came here first. Let's just do this one" … Heidi … my ditsy sense is tingling here. Why would the producers make the distant pile earlier? That would just reward thoroughness and be ironic.

"I have a feeling that it's going to be after 7:40 … it's 7:00." "Really? What!?" … Brian / Greg … Heidi and Megan's strategy has worked. They have so mentally messed up Brian and Greg that they'll be confused all throughout the 7:00 am flight.

"Hey, ain't 7:00 before 7:40?" "Where I grew up, yeah" … Greg / Brian … a world where time and logic make sense … a place far different from the Heidi / Megan zone.
If Uchenna ever gets tired of his current job, the man has a definite future in fortune cookie writing.
"You know you've got to come a long way to see something that you've haven't seen" … Uchenna … if Uchenna ever gets tired of his current job, the man has a definite future in fortune cookie writing.

"All around the campfire, I thought we were back on Survivor. I was worried about everybody plotting to kick me out" … Rob … plotting is so passι. Now wrapping Rob up in a tire and rolling him onto the fire … that's showing some style.

"It's weird cause even though the other teams are being nice to Rob and I, you still have that gut feeling that they don't want us here" … Amber … a bit paranoid, don't you think. I mean, who wouldn't want to lose to the arrogant and evil millionaire couple.

"They don't want us to win again. That's just too bad for them, isn't it" … Rob … c'mon, Rob. It's not so much that they don't want you to win. It's just that they want to see you lose badly is all.

"We're on the side of a friggin mountain here. One wrong move and that's it. Sayonara" … Rob … and given the attitude of the other teams, you might want to double check those zip lines.

"Oh, my god. What are we doing? Jumping?" … Patrick on the zip lines … 'fraid so. Too many lawsuits erupted from the sling shot zip line technique.

"Roping the llama doesn't require much strength, but getting them to co-operate and walk to the pens could be frustrating and take a long time" … Phil … sounds like he's describing half of the teams on the race.

"Oh my God, I'm glad I peed right before I did that" … Patrick on the zip line … I'm sure the zip line guy is breathing a sigh of relief on that one, too. Not to mention the editors

"You're not allowed to open it (the clue) till you get to your mother" … zip line guy to Patrick … she also mentioned to go straight home and not to talk to strangers on the way.

"Vamanos. That means we go" … Brian … the cab driver obviously impressed with Brian's knowledge of Spanish … or American westerns.

"We are racing in Peru. We are racing in Peru" … sung by Lynn … not quite the same appeal as "New York Jews in Iceland," but since the driver didn't bail out of the cab, it couldn't have been that bad.

"Do you want to go somewhere?" … Debbie to the llama … even if that was a boy llama, that is just wrong. She could at least give the llama her phone number first.

"Don't kick me. Don't kick me. Don't kick me" … Bianca to the llama … well I don't expect making panicked irritating sounds is going far in the human/llama bonding dept. He may kick just to shut her up.

"We're going to fine a really cute one that likes us" … Patrick on the llamas … I sense an ugly llama collective spit coming on. And just because your Mom's on the race, you don't necessarily have to find a llama that you can bring home to her.

"Oh this is nothing babe. We can do this … while wearing funny hats" … Rob on basket carrying … Rob, sensing the llamas' reaction to him, wisely chooses the basket option but still finds time to insult local culture. A job well done.

"I might have to wear my Sox hat on the outside" … Rob … ever the charmer. They'll be the only team that the locals spat on instead of the llamas.

"Ah, when in Incaville, do as the Incas right?" … Rob … man, where's a conquistador when you need one? Or a stray pack of lemmings?

"This is retarded" … Debbie on llama pulling … I'm sure this is no intellectual picnic for the llama, either. I'd be a little scared to go off with Debbie, too.

"Bianca, seriously. I am so furious at you" … Debbie … and my llama is none too pleased with both your decision and choice of partners. He has a special message for you if you come close enough.

"Ariba. What does that mean? Fast?"... Rob … Rob's childhood obviously missing the whole Speedy Gonzales intro to Spanish lessons on TV. That may explain Rob's tendency towards political correctness.

"That's our good deed for the next thirty days" … Rob on helping Debbie and Bianca … one more deed than I was expecting. Now on to the bad deed scroll. It has it's own backpack, you know.

"I will stand in front of your face and you can blow as much snot as you want if you'll get in your friggin' pen" … Patrick … that is only about one level above selling your soul to the devil … and a lot messier, too

"Is that what we are jumping off of? Oh, it's just like Splash Mountain" … Lynn … just without the lineups, screaming kids, or the usual safety regulations.

"Whoa. This is what the kids call wedgies" … Gretchen … a lot of the grownups call it that, too. I knew that somebody would be wearing a thong at some point in the race … didn't figure on Gretchen being the first, though.

"Ray, it's strangling me now." "Suck it up" … Deanna / Ray … I think that it's her inability to suck the air up that's really the main point here, Ray.

"We're going to be the first ones to load test it" … Ryan on the zip line … these guys are picking the wrong things to be first at. Still I can't decide which is more dangerous … Ryan on a zip line or following after Ryan on a zip line.

"Hey, look out for the cactuses" … Ryan to Chuck … a sad Peruvian tradition in that they do the safety weight check at the end of the ride. Those too heavy take a little bit of Peru away with them.

"Honey. I'm choking. Can you lift it up?" "Actually, I can't. I'm carrying my own, too" … Deanna / Ray … good point, Ray, but keep in mind that without oxygen you'll most likely be carry yours, hers, and Deanna, too. Then you'll have to suck it up.

"Do you want me to pass out? I can't breathe." "Please suck it up. Don't complain" … Deanna / Ray … and in a radical move on the next leg, Ray replaces Deanna with his first choice of partners … a dustbuster.

"We have every intention of aligning with Rob and Amber only to set the trap. We would love to be personally responsible for their disposal from this race" … Patrick … I can't tell if this Rob obsession is due to a hatred of Rob or a jealously of Amber. What strange love triangle will the future legs breed?

"You guys ran an amazing race. You guys were at the back of the pack and you moved to the front of the pack" … Phil on Rob and Amber … I guess that sounds more PC than you were idiots at the start and manage to bribe and luck your way into 3rd. Phil's looking for a little payout here.

"Do you want a llama for a pet" … Phil to Uchenna … well, maybe not in the long run, but I'd like to borrow one for the pitstop. Time to meet and greet the other teams.

"Listen. You open that door if they start passing, you hear me." … Ryan to Chuck … a little bit of dangerous driving tactics there. Still, it is one step shy of the annoying "jumping in front of the moving car" plan. A 30-minute time penalty and a back brace comes with that one.

"If you ain't the lead dog, the view never changes" … Chuck … but the best part about being at the back of this pack … you'll eventually get to see the other dogs come in with the tails between their legs.


Very cool Phil opening on the Queen Mary. A pity they couldn't afford admission tickets for the rest of the teams. I guess those helicopters were too expensive.

It was a nice shot of Debbie and Bianca on the roller skates, knee-high socks, and mini-skirts. Man, those girls haven't aged a bit since 1982.

I'm not sure what Lynn and Alex picked for a career, but if it is not "evil mad scientist," then they have missed their true calling.

I'm not surprised that Rob and Kelly were picked for the race. Not many other racers can use Al-Jazeera video as part of an application.

Did somebody specifically have to write in Phil's script "Ok, now do the raised eyebrow thing and say Go!"?

If you are in a race and you begin focusing on what car colour to choose, are your priorities a little messed up?
Should Rob and Amber's first clue have included a driver's manual for a Mercedes?
Should Rob and Amber's first clue have included a driver's manual for a Mercedes?

Rob and Amber face the dreaded Trunk roadblock … it's a task that only one person of average intelligence can perform. This could take a while.

Is Long Beach the only place in California that apparently has no traffic?

What sort of time penalty do the teams get if they wreck their car on the LA freeway?

How come when talking about the race, Rob says he has already won, but when he talks about Survivor, it turns into we've won.

If this race proves nothing else, it is that Portuguese or Spanish mixed with a Southern accent sounds pretty cool.

The guy helping Rob and Amber got screwed. Rob promised he'd take him to the end of the race with him, but he still got dumped at the airport.

The teams getting lost was a bad thing, but at least they got to see the back flipping guy. How can you be mad after that?

If the girls on this show keep kissing each other, will the race soon get slapped with a "mature viewer only" warning? Can an outtakes video be far behind?

Quick lesson on forms of transportation
1) Rob and Amber: Take a Bus means take a bus and not a personal stretch limo bus.
2) Lynn and Alex: Take a Rickshaw means take a rickshaw and not a motorized buggy.

When the other teams joined Heidi and Megan in digging in the wrong sand pile, it proved there is no blonde stereotyping amongst the teams. But maybe there should be.

Philippe could have made a small fortune with a one or two can minimum to get the clue. Not often you get desperate American tourists coming to call.

With getting two drivers to go "beep, beep," is Ryan displaying the first signs of some sort of Roadrunner complex.

Yelling "Geronimo" when jumping off a cliff. Ah, the classics never go out of style.

Ryan and Chuck are from South Carolina. They're self-proclaimed hillbillies. I get it. I don't need the banjo music when they're on screen to hammer the point home, thank you.
I think I have heard enough of "suck it up" to do me for quite some time. One more time, and I may have to toss it up.
I think I have heard enough of "suck it up" to do me for quite some time. One more time, and I may have to toss it up.

For one brief second, did Brian wish he had a cool name like Gregorio?

Travelers note: Peruvian women love bracelets … Peruvian men, not so much.

Safety note: When you hug a Peruvian sheep, you are hugging everyone who has ever hugged that sheep.

Five bucks for eggs? Those Peruvian chickens lay some damn good eggs.

Does Rob moving the truck counts as a good deed, too? If so, he's good for 2 months now.

I hope the 10 grand Debbie and Bianca won was for after the show. Would hate to see them have to pony up the cash if they hit a non-elimination leg.