Amazing Race Rants

Amazing Race Rant — Episode Eleven


“This is Sri Lanka. An island nation known as the jewel of the Indian Ocean” … Phil … one sure way to get the Amazing Race to visit a place… come up with a catchy nickname. Boring places need not apply.

“Its most well-known feature, Lion Rock. A giant rock towering above the jungle floor” … Phil … slowly being beaten down by Lori’s repeated pounding of Bolo’s head against it.

“Will Hayden and Aaron’s frustration with each other affect their performance?” … Phil … possibly, but I can’t imagine having a wet tank top and soaked underwear is going to help matters any, either.

“I think Jon and I feel the race is getting more difficult as we continue on” … Kris … her hopes of finding the “Just fly home” clue quickly fading away.

“Hayden is very bull-headed. It’s her way or the highway” … Aaron … which works as long as her way doesn’t involve a highway … then she’ll get lost for sure.
Though I guess with Adam tagging along, the romantic “Slow boat to China” option was quickly discarded.
“Fly to Shanghai, China. I guess we’re going to the airport” … Rebecca … there’s a good first step from the brains of the team. Though I guess with Adam tagging along, the romantic “Slow boat to China” option was quickly discarded.

“Adam and I will not ever give up” … Rebecca … well, not any more at least. And there’s not much they can do about Adam’s curfew, either.

“Shanghai, China. It is supposed to be a remarkably beautiful place” … Kendra … a city worthy of Kendra’s interest. I’m sure the city is overjoyed with her testimonial … it’s much better than that yucky third world.

“I wanted to go there ever since I saw Madonna and Sean Penn in Shanghai Surprise” … Rebecca … I guess the hunt for the one person who liked that film has now come to an end. I hope she won’t be too disappointed when Shanghai looks different than a Hollywood sound stage.

“We’re going to try and push ourselves to the front and push some of the other teams back” … Freddy … Freddy obviously too accustomed to talking to his model friends, seeing the need to explain that when he moves up in the pack, that the others will have to move back, too.

“but if we eat Chinese food in China, it won’t be Chinese food. It will just be food” … Rebecca … and if we fly back to America, we won’t be American idiots … we’ll just be idiots.

“I gonna go to that ticket counter and I’m gonna buy some tickets” … Adam … remember small achievable goals, Adam. Let’s start with getting through this line-up without you crying and we’ll buy you an ice cream later

“Just let me deal with it honey. Please. Please” … Rebecca … so she wants him to be more confident but begs him not to do stuff. This goes a long way in explaining that continual confused look Adam seems to wear.

“It’s not their fault, it’s our fault. We’re in their country and we just don’t know how to communicate with them” … Kris … that’s a very mature and understanding attitude. None of which is going to get them a cab, but they’ll at least be cool with it.

“Which one will give us more Yen? It’s not Yen. Or whatever it’s called” … Hayden / Aaron … okay, if you’re not sure what you are converting your money into, it’s a safe bet that any negotiating strength you had just went out the window. Hayden is probably going to walk away with some magic beans for her efforts.

“Poor little ones. They are so clueless and lost” … Freddy on Adam and Rebecca … missed the episode when Freddy and Kendra were promoted from racers to parental figures for Adam and Rebecca. As families go, this one falls squarely in the “estranged” category.

“Rebecca attaches herself to somebody and watches everything they do and does the same thing. And they’ve gotten this far” … Freddy .. yeah, why can’t they go out and make their own mistakes like we do. Damn moochers.

“And poor Adam is not assertive enough to do it on his own” … Freddy … considering that Adam’s first attempt at assertion was to cut his own hair, maybe it’s better he let someone else do the driving for a while.
Some sexy comments and a quick round of pouting for the camera … poof, ready to race again.
“You’re so sexy. Yeah. You, too” … Freddy / Kendra … Freddy and Kendra begin their model pep-talk reflex. Some sexy comments and a quick round of pouting for the camera … poof, ready to race again.

“We don’t have any money. And do you know who has to ask for it and go make an ass of themselves? I do”… Hayden … aw c’mon Hayden. You’re so much better at asking, plus you’ve got that whole ass thing nailed down perfectly, with a little whine on the side.

“He said it’s two minutes walking. Let’s go down the ghetto street” … Freddy / Kendra … she’s just a ghetto magnet, though I’m not sure that having Kendra walk down the street is doing much to raise its stock any.

“We’re moving into the Harlem of Shanghai” … Kris … so much for Shanghai the beautiful city. I guess they are fearing the inevitable drive-by rickshaw shootings so common in this neighbourhood.

“We’re somewhere in Shanghai in some scary alley with scary men. And the meter’s ticking … Hayden … would she be more relaxed if the cab ride was a flat rate through the scary sections?

“Ask somebody if they speak English and you deal with this before I hyperventilate” … Hayden … there’s some strange angry white couple here and one of them is breathing into a paper bag. Do you want to speak English to them? Nah.

“Will you stand out in the road and call a cab for me?” … Hayden … you know, even if he understood English, I really don’t see this as being the safest option.

“Does anybody speak English? Stop getting mad. I’m not yelling. It comes off as rude” … Adam / Rebecca … I wouldn’t worry too much. The presence of horns on somebody’s head has already eliminated any expectations of manners.

“What … they’re not stopping because I’m American. Why won’t they stop?” … Kendra … word has spread quickly from the ghetto street. Avoid the models.

“Does anybody speak English? Do you think anybody can hear that?” … Adam … probably not, but hopefully your therapist and anger management counselor back home did.
Shanghai taxis seemed to have a built-in jerk detector. The one in this cab must not have been working properly.
“We flagged down empty taxis and they did not stop. I’m not sure if they are discriminating against us or there is just something about the taxi service that we do not understand” … Kendra … Shanghai taxis seemed to have a built-in jerk detector. The one in this cab must not have been working properly.

“They’re obviously not driven by money. There is some other force working here” … Rebecca on cab drivers … maybe just the instinct that picking up a horned guy with his own camera crew isn’t really worth a few bucks.

“You drive us. Please. We pay you” … Rebecca / Adam … there’s an incentive. Do they figure that this guy has been working pro-bono so far today and deserves paying customers for a change?

“Kris and Jon are a really strong team and we thought about yielding them but Adam and Rebecca need the payback” … Freddy … and remember the race isn’t about trying to be first, but rather it’s making the people you don’t like come in fourth.

“This is not it! Oh … yeah it is” … Kendra on the building … Kendra thrown off at first due to the lack of “Welcome Kendra” signs at the entrance.

“Teams can only exercise their yield power once during the race, so they must decide when it is most advantageous to go for it” … Phil … being the last yield on the race, I’m not sure if there is a more advantageous time than this … but logic doesn’t seem to be the racers’ strong suit.

“I have such a strong fear of heights but I want to face my biggest fears head on” … Kendra … taking her cue from Hayden, what better time to face your fears than on a million dollar race where time is a factor? Winning the million may not cure your fear of heights, but you could afford one hell of a bungalow.

“Adam is coming right now and I’m hiding behind the palm tree” … Hayden … hmmm, nothing suspicious over there. Just a palm tree with a boom microphone hanging over it.

“I’m going to go run somewhere else” … Hayden … nice of Hayden to provide us her own play-by-play commentary. Coming soon, “I’m going to start nagging Aaron now and complain about our money. Then maybe lunch.”

“When I’m on top of building and I look down, I can feel the bottoms of my feet tingling” … Kendra … just how many buildings has Kendra been on top of spending time looking over the edge? Is this a cry for help to the model suicide hotline?

“Can I have a hug before I go?” … Kendra … it’s a nice insurance policy in that the safety guy is now less likely to drop her. Of course, there’s better than even odds that in the end, he’s just going to reel her back in and go for seconds.

“That’s the first time I’ve ever seen Jon be upset” … Adam … yeah, he and Kris are usually laughing every time I come around.

“This is not strategy. This is revenge. This is personal.” … Adam … and funny, too. Don’t forget funny.

“I wish I could be closer to them to see if Kendra is crying or not” … Adam … I guess Adam doesn’t want to be the only one.

“Baby. Good job. Was it scary? Could I have done that? No!” … Hayden / Aaron … well so much for Hayden’s new found height confidence from climbing on the palm trees. Welcome back, fear … I missed you.

“We yielded them. They yielded us. You’re being shortsighted. You’re not looking at the complete picture” … Rebecca / Adam … with only a couple more legs to go, maybe a long-term vision isn’t the best strategy since the “big” picture getting smaller pretty quick.

“They’re stupid. For being smart people, they’re stupid” … Adam … I mean we expect these kind of things from Adam, but from Freddy? Then again, Freddy might not be the best yardstick to measure smartness from.

“Why are you yelling at me? I’m not yelling. I’m just a loud talker” … Rebecca / Adam … why are you choking me Rebecca? I’m not choking. I’m just a strong hugger.

“We’re done (on the Yield). Why are we arguing?” … Rebecca … because if you weren’t arguing, you might end up being good racers. And that would just be too confusing for everyone.
That could quickly become a mess that would take more than a squeegee to clean up.
“It’s such a high place. It makes your stomach go up into your mouth. It’s horrible” … Rebecca … and being 40 stories up, this is not the time to have your lunch revisit you. That could quickly become a mess that would take more than a squeegee to clean up.

“Freddy and Kendra should have yielded us. That was strictly a revenge thing” … Jon … Jon suffering from an odd case of Yield withdrawal. Not to worry, though. The Shanghai cab drivers seem to be doing a collective Yield on you.

“We need to find the masters for the next clue. How do we ask them? Use some Tai Chi on them” … Jon / Kris … and nothing makes a master open up to you faster, then watching a smart ass making jokes and doing pseudo Tai Chi. A clue and a slap are the order of the day.

“Do you speak English? My English is very small” … Adam / Cab driver … a good match. Adam’s vocabulary isn’t very big either.

“Tai Chi? Is this it, baby? I don’t think this is it” … Kris on guys sitting on the curb … probably a safe guess, considering that these guys only seem to be the Tai Chi masters of the “chillin’” position.

“There’s a bunch of people doing stuff” … Kris on the Tai Chi people … people doing stuff. My God, that must be it. It’s the Shanghai Tai Chi and Stuff society.

“I just hope that we get there in a timely fashion” … Freddy … speed is important, but I can’t help but notice that “fashion” slipped in there. Always thinking about the business.

“In this detour, teams will have to pick between one of two things commonly found in China … bricks or ice” … Phil … these things being such a rarity in other parts of the world. I guess they didn’t have time to do wood or rocks.

“In bricks, each team member will have to use a traditional device to carry 300 clay bricks” … Phil … traditional device? So much for researching cultural names. Then again, “pole with hooks” isn’t exactly a name popper, either.

“This place is unbelievable. I know. It’s so far away from what we know” … Kendra / Freddy … apparently taxi cabs, tall buildings, and traffic are things unknown to the people of Miami. It must have changed a lot since Miami Vice.

“Men are masters. Men” … Rebecca on finding the master … well, she’s not likely to get the clue from a female master now. Out of curiosity, if men are masters, just what does that make Adam?

“We can do it. We’re strong” … Hayden … hmmm, does strong-willed actually mean strong? I suppose Hayden could whine the bricks into stacking themselves.

“I don’t think I can do this” … Hayden … well the “we can do it, we’re strong” train certainly derailed in a hurry.

“Aaron! You’re so much taller than me” … Hayden … Aaron could respond that gravity in fact makes it tougher for the tall person, but that would most likely result in a brick to the head.

“I hope somebody’s cab got lost. I hope Freddy and Kendra … never mind what I hope” … Rebecca / Adam … even though the Yield was for revenge, it’s refreshing to see Adam is not taking it personally and holding a grudge. That would just be juvenile.

“Okay. I can move a mile a friggin’ hour” … Hayden … need some clarification. Just how many damn minutes are there in a friggin’ hour?

“Honey! He’s showing me. You don’t know how to do it” … Kendra … actually the guy was pausing a moment to laugh at them, but if you can learn something from it, good for you.
Good rule of thumb okay. If okay is all your cab driver can say, okay is definitely not okay. Okay?
“He’s says okay okay okay and he took us 10 blocks in the wrong direction. Okay okay. It’s not okay okay” … Jon … okay okay. Good rule of thumb okay. If okay is all your cab driver can say, okay is definitely not okay. Okay?

“Rebecca I’m going to start screaming at you. If you call me ‘honey’ one more time during this, you’re dead meat” … Adam … Adam can huff and puff, but my money is on Rebecca to blow his bricks down. She may want to consider, though, that with a relationship like theirs, dead meat doesn’t sound like too bad an option.

“I really wish they would stop laughing at us” … Rebecca … well, try to meet them halfway, then. Stop doing funny things. These guys are probably losing a half day’s pay, so why shouldn’t they enjoy the floor show?

“Don’t call me ‘honey’ and let’s go. All right, ass. Better. I prefer that” … Adam / Rebecca … it works for me, too. Throw in a few variations, and we’ll have a whole library of fun names for Adam.

“He’s calming and mellow and normal. I’m weird and crazy and neurotic. And sexy” Hayden / Aaron … gee honey, you may be nuts but you’re hot, too. What girl could resist sweet talking like that?

“Hopefully this cab driver will get to where we’re going quickly and we’ll make it to the pit stop in an expeditious manner” … Freddy … I hope he gets there quickly, too, before Freddy runs out of big words to say and ends up with model brain cramp.

“The Yield killed us. Damn Freddy and Kendra” … Adam … nah, it was your personalities that killed you. The Yield just did a little jig on your grave is all.

“Get some rest. You’re going to need it. And good luck getting out of here with no money” … Phil … hell, these guys couldn’t hail a cab with money. I’m seeing a future filled with Shanghai sweatshops for Adam and Rebecca.

“We’re just as capable as the other teams. We have yet to prove that’ … Rebecca … might as well just jump over to the incapable side of the fence. It’s a lot easier and there is plenty of proof of that already.


Pit stop roadblock … one team member must clean the section of the pool they contaminated with their little clothed swim.

If CBS had a sense of humour, they should have had the teams start off the leg with a swim across the pool to get to the taxi. A good wake-me-up for the airport.

Were the teams simply hailing cabs the wrong way, or did the worldwide “screwing of cabbies” karma finally catch up with them?

If there were elephants walking through Shanghai, would Jon and Kris have enjoyed their cab ride more?

Racing tip for Adam: If your driver is speaking gibberish to you, agreeing with it does not mean everything is okay.
I’m surprised the racers didn’t take the time to squeegee some cars after the detour to earn a little extra cash for the leg.
I’m surprised the racers didn’t take the time to squeegee some cars after the detour to earn a little extra cash for the leg. Hell, they’d do it on The Apprentice.

If a model and an actress “hah hah” at you getting Yielded, you can pretty much toss out your dreams of ever hanging with the cool kids.

What’s the most diplomatic way of telling your partner that we fell behind a bit because I had to give some stranger a hug?

“Tai Chi” was an acceptable phrase to have on the window. They probably could have generated a little more drama with “loose rope” or “no brakes” or even “free fall.” I think a “wash me” might have done the trick, too.

I would hate to see what happens if those Tai Chi Masters got pissed off. They would have very slowly beaten the racers to death.

Hopefully the Tai Chi class learns some new moves from this experience … like the clue push, the eye roll, and the idiot head shake.

Shanghai thanks the Amazing Race for allowing the fish market industry to suffer when nobody chose to deliver ice to that poor fish monger. Hope he’s not supplying the food for the next pit stop.

Racing tip for Jon: Wait till the cab comes to a complete stop before you decide to open the door and jump out into traffic, unless you’ve managed to pick up the local word for “ambulance.”

I’m sure the shipyard will be excited to sign up for another reality show really soon, after they watched Rebecca send her brick cargo down to the briny deep. Hell of way to catch a fish.

Note to the Peace Hotel South … you really should consider putting a crosswalk by your front entrance, or at least have medics standing by. A flattened mosaic of American tourists on the road in front will not be good for business.