Amazing Race Rants

Amazing Race Rant — Episode Ten


“And in the northern part of the country, Lalibela. This isolated town was the eighth pit stop” … Phil … and after encountering Jonathan and Victoria, the residents probably wish it was even more isolated.

“Will Kris and Jon continue to run a smooth race, or will the pressures of the game finally break them down?” … Phil … rumour has it they may actually say “darn” in this episode.
Or will they simply knock themselves out with the nearest blunt instrument and call it a day?
“And will last place Adam and Rebecca remain competitive or will their tense relationship knock them out of the race?” … Phil … or will they simply knock themselves out with the nearest blunt instrument and call it a day?

“We finally put all luck aside and just worked together as a team. And when we can do that, there’s no team that can beat us” … Aaron … true, but unfortunately for the other 90 percent of the time when we do bicker, there’s a fair chance Avi and Joe could come back and kick our ass.

“If we slow down and take a minute to read our clue correctly, and make sure that we understand everything completely, then we have a very, very good chance because there is only five teams left” … Bolo …. A strategy that relies on Lori and Bolo’s reading and comprehension skills … the Amazing Race equivalent of a “Hail Mary” pass.

“Adam’s neurosis is affecting the team because I feel I can’t trust that he’s going to do a good job” … Rebecca … well, you went out with him for 2 years. I think your decision-making skills aren’t all that sharp, either.

“Adam is capable of more than he thinks he is and I just need him to believe in himself” … Rebecca … it’s time for Adam to step up and make both of his Moms proud.

“I think the Ethiopian food made me sick” … Kendra … the third world takes its opportunity to serve up Kendra some humble pie.

“We’re not the only ones arriving on the second charter but it’s always a better feeling to be in front.” … Adam … it’s clear that Adam’s “stating the obvious” strategy seems to be working out fine.

“Kendra did not take too well to some of the local cuisine” … Freddy … Kendra could probably use the help of those sweet kids from last week … one to hold back her hair, the other to run the stomach pump.

“I hate these planes, I hate these planes, I hate these planes” … Rebecca … well, sitting beside her is going to be a joy. These aren’t the words of encouragement a pilot really wants to hear, but with all those positive waves she’s emitting, I’m sure he can guarantee Rebecca a fun, turbulence-filled, roller-coaster ride of a flight.

“Well, apparently he doesn’t know what drive fast means” … Hayden on the cab driver … true, but he does seem to have “I really don’t give a damn” down perfectly.

“Run like you’re being chased by a cop, dude” … Bolo … probably a reference lost on the runner, but at least Bolo stopped short of handing him a TV set for realism.
I couldn’t blame the runner for faking an ankle injury and just limping home to get off of this team.
“Cause I’m going to run like the cops are chasing me cause I’m used to it” … Bolo … as Bolo strides over the “sharing too much info with a stranger” line. I couldn’t blame the runner for faking an ankle injury and just limping home to get off of this team.

“I wish I didn’t have to pee” … Lori … but in my experience, that usually helps people run faster, even though the style and technique might be a little awkward.

“I’m excited. I ran college track and the 4x4 was one of my events” … Hayden … and I have just the right thing to wear for it … a tank top.

“I was half way around the track when the Ethiopian runner caught me” … Bolo … probably explains why Bolo ended up in jail so much.

“Fly to the city of Colombia, in the country of Sri Lanka” … Lori … they might want to iron out communicating that to the ticket agent. Colombia has its own unique set of “Detours” and “Roadblocks.”

“I ain’t no track star” … Bolo … but if the relay team ever needs an “enforcer” type runner or a motivation speaker, Bolo is top on their list.

“Hayden’s a track star. She smoked Kris and I smoked Jon and we finished before them. Hey, we’re fast” … Aaron … they’re fast until they must face their tragic 20/20 weakness … the inability to get a cab in under 20 minutes and have it travel more than 20 mph.

“It’s the last freakin’ thing I want to be doing right now” … Kendra on running … well, second last at least. I can’t imagine sitting down to a big bowl of Ethiopian stew is high on her list, either.

“When I started running, my stomach went into knots. I was really in a lot of pain and was running like an 80-year-old woman” … Kendra … as 80-year-olds everywhere feel shock and shame by contemplating “Man … do I really run as bad as Kendra?”

“He said this is not fair. He took it, didn’t he? It’s not fair to us” … Kendra / Freddy … Freddy continues his “Spread the Love, but not the cash” cab tour of the world.

“I’m a little scared. We’re driving on the wrong side of the road with cars coming at us” … Hayden … and it’s probably a little too much to hope that the air bags will deploy. Best to hide behind a big pile of tank tops to cushion the blow.

“The fumes everywhere and the driving, I’m just trying to hold it together” … Kendra … doesn’t sound like Kendra will get too many takers for her rush hour car pool back in the States.

“It’s absolutely gorgeous here. They have elephants in the streets. It’s really cool” … Kris … it’s cool as long as the elephants stay away from the spicy food and don’t mistake the taxi for a moving peanut.

“This is the ugliest train I’ve ever been on” … Freddy … luckily, Freddy and Kendra have arrived … the beauty quotient of the train can now skyrocket.

“Oh, my God. I’ve got to find a bathroom or I’m going to puke” … Kendra … maybe I’m assuming too much, but if you are on an ugly smelly train, there’s probably only a slim chance that the bathroom is going to help your nausea any.

“Were you here? Did you see anyone who looked like us” … Rebecca to train guy … Weird looking guy with horns? Can’t say that I have, but try the church down the road.

“With backpacks? With backpacks and everything. They went away” … Rebecca / train guy … travelers with backpacks and everything. Wow. With that description of the other teams, anyone could pick them out of a lineup.

“We don’t need to go back and forth. Go to the airport and leave. Leave where? Leave! I don’t want to be here. I want to leave” … Adam / Rebecca … an hour and half wait for a train and here comes the tantrum. I guess the pull of home Mom is winning out over racing Mom.

“We need to go to the airport because he wants to go home” … Rebecca … out of respect, the locals will hold back their “Adam’s leaving” parades until after his taxi leaves/

“Let’s give up. That’s a great idea. Any other suggestions? ‘Cause I’m down for whatever” … Rebecca … not right now, but after my nap and bottle, you better watch out.

“I suggest you stop talking to me right now. That’s easy. That’s an easy one” … Adam / Rebecca … now, if she can get to the point where she stops listening to him, she’ll be in racing Nirvana. It’s what I’m striving for, but TV technology hasn’t developed the “Adam mute” button yet.
Would the Hell’s Angels be as feared if they roared into town on their tuk tuks?
“I wish I had one of these at home. It would be pretty neat to drive around in” … Aaron on the tuk tuk … it would be neat but it kind of lacks in the “rebel” department. Would the Hell’s Angels be as feared if they roared into town on their tuk tuks?

“Where is the place you want to go? Coconut plantation with palm trees” … Tuk tuk driver / Jon … well, that narrows it down. Would you like to follow it up with a trip to the restaurant that serves food?

“If there is an elimination, we’re going home. That sucks. We didn’t do anything. We didn’t screw up anything” … Rebecca / Adam …. might be making up for all the previous screw ups when you didn’t get eliminated.

“We picked the coconut trees to climb cause I used to climb trees when I was little and he did, too” … Lori … good reasoning, as long as they weighed 200+ pounds as kids. Still, I imagine the elephants appreciate that they picked the tree climbing task instead.

“This is going to be the workout from hell” … Lori … well, maybe just a bad workout. Now setting the trees on fire … that would be the workout from hell.

“We’re probably never going to get another opportunity to ride an elephant in our lives. Let’s go have some fun” … Freddy … and I’m sure the elephants are looking forward to having tourists ride around on them, too. Followed by a good long mud bath

“I’m terrified of heights. It’s a phobia of mine” … Hayden … so naturally let’s pick the tree climbing detour. Maybe they’ll just be baby palm trees.

“I’m going to loosen my rope. The safety rope is in my way” … Lori … as famous last words go, this set is certainly epitaph material.

“Kris and Jon. They’re going to be our strongest adversary at this moment” … Bolo … with doing physical challenges and reading clues coming a close second and third behind it.

“I was terrified that I was going to fall down and the rope holding me up was going to break” … Hayden … Aaron was terrified, too. It would mean you’d have to start over again. Still, if Hayden was worried about her rope breaking, what about Bolo? He wouldn’t have a prayer.

“You have to get over your fears and the only way to do that is by … by doing them” … Hayden … or alternatively avoiding them if you are in a race, and just do the other choice faster. That works, too.

“I don’t want to go home, and if that means sucking it up and being his girlfriend, then I’m going to have to do that” … Rebecca … the million dollar prize is getting expensive. Dignity is already sold … next on the block, Rebecca’s soul.

“You did a double turn twice. Baby, why do you have to get so technical?” … Lori / Bolo … Bolo can accept criticism, as long it doesn’t involved complex elements like multiplication or math.
Mentally he has simply gone to his happy place, waiting for this model nightmare to end.
“The elephants are so docile and sweet and slow” … Kendra … the elephant is putting up a good front. Mentally he has simply gone to his happy place, waiting for this model nightmare to end.

“It’s frustrating that you work your butt off just to get ahead and then all the other teams catch up and you’re going to have to start from ground zero” … Kris … it’s so frustrating, I just feel like smiling.

“We’ve got big buses back in the U.S. and nice trains, so you learn to appreciate these things” … Hayden … Greyhound and Amtrak adopt their new slogan … “Ride with us, we’re much better than Asia.”

“You’re looking at the superstar up there climbing the tree. I’m going to try not to cry” … Adam … it’s important to set goals in life, but I’m afraid Adam’s might be a bit too high for him. Let’s shoot for just a gentle sobbing for now.

“The whole time he was tying the strings he was saying something. I couldn’t understand it but I think it was a blessing” … Lori … probably took one look at Bolo’s wrists and was just asking the other monks for the industrial size ball of string.

“Kris and I are both religious so we really respect and cherish the blessing from the monk” … Jon … more likely it was a plea for forgiveness for selling out to reality TV. Now all the other monks will make fun of him for being famous … calling him Richard Gere. It won’t be pretty.

“Hayden, I’m sick of your bitching. Quiet!” … Aaron … nothing puts a stop to a bitch session like “Quiet.” On the positive side, Aaron can begin his Buddhist vow of silence once Hayden has finished ripping his tongue out.

“What are you doing? This is a race. Excuse me. What are you doing?” … Rebecca / Adam to tuk tuk driver … Adam struggling with identifying this strange place with all the pumps. At least, the driver will know whether it takes unleaded or diesel.

“It always comes down to details. Mmhuh” … Kris / Bolo … too true. I mean, it’s generally known that Lori will be kicking Bolo’s ass, but it’s the details that really make the ass-kicking special.

“Bolo! Bring me the friggin’ ticket” … Lori … to walk into this fire storm, Bolo is much braver than Hayden was on the ropes. I’d be leaving the ticket on the ground and hiding in tuk tuk.

“I’m sittin’ there and I told you to read the addition friggin’ information, didn’t I?” … Lori … can’t really blame Bolo for this one. It took me three or four viewings to figure out what exactly she was saying. Bolo only had one shot

“I’m all screwed up” … Adam … the thin Lion Rock air brings a personal reflection from Adam. You would think a mirror would have told him the same thing.

“Positive thoughts, positive thoughts, positive thoughts. She’s going to be okay. She’s going to be fine” … Kris to Bolo … it’s a very nice sentiment Kris, but to be honest, I don’t think Lori is the one Bolo is worrying about. Run for the tuk tuk, man. The Lori avalanche is coming.
Then again, beating Adam at anything these days is hardly worth bragging about.
“That Adam’s such a nancy boy. I passed him” … Freddy … yeah, how’s that bump on your head doing, Freddy? Then again, beating Adam at anything these days is hardly worth bragging about.

“Bolo, I know she’s angry at you now but I’m sure you have some good things to say about her” … Phil … and man, you better say them quick while you still have teeth in your mouth.

“She’s one of the strongest women you’ll ever meet” … Bolo … and I’ve got her boot prints to prove it.

“I think if we can make it through all this, then we’ll probably be together forever” … Lori … or at least in adjoining prisons.


I’m sure if you give Bolo a few more tries, he could probably find new ways of mispronouncing Addis Ababa.

This was starting to become a game Bolo could handle. He could count the other teams in the race on only one hand.

Good job, Kris. If you can greet an Ethiopian ticket collector after midnight with a cheerful “Hey what’s up”, then I think you can talk to anybody.

Poor Kendra with the food sickness. Probably bought into the rumour that the donkeys were brought to the pitstop for a reason.

The public is going to start getting a bad impression of models if Kendra keeps throwing up her food like that.

Could you feel the caring and concern, when Freddy and the camera crew stood at the washroom doorway while Kendra was puking her guts out? It’s a special moment preserved forever for them.

Travel tip for Freddy: When trying to short change a cab driver, use of the word “bandit” is highly inadvisable, unless your plans include visiting municipal court.

I am now convinced that the ability to mimic train and plane sounds must be a requirement for any successful application to be on the Amazing Race.

If Adam had quit and just flown away from Sri Lanka, would we have heard Phil pipe in “And as the quitters for this leg of the race, you’ve won public humiliation and a contract violation lawsuit, courtesy of the producers and CBS, which you can enjoy after the race”?

If it takes that much work to get the sap to make alcohol in Sri Lanka, that must be one sober country. How many lives have been lost due to drinking and climbing?

Lori may have been eliminated but at least she’ll have the rope burn tattoo on her butt to remember the race by.
OK, you are a monk and you live in a town called “Kandy” and the only offering you get is rice?
OK, you are a monk and you live in a town called “Kandy” and the only offering you get is rice? Can the racers not take a hint, and throw in a tootsie roll or lollipop. Never hurts to get a little extra blessing.

If Hayden and Aaron are track stars, why don’t they just run more instead of taking cabs?

After the Lori and Bolo stink-fest last leg, did Phil insist the producers build in that “Swim the length of the pool to the pit stop” portion? The next leg will end with them hanging an Xmas tree car freshener around their necks.

Just how long are these clues that it seems to be impossible for the teams to have all the key points sink in? Do they think the extra lines are there to add a background story to the challenge?

If they try the pool ending again, maybe they should consider having a big sign saying “Swim the length of the pool, you idiots” in big letters above Phil.

Is it a coincidence or just strange irony that Hayden chose the breast stroke to cross the pool?

Adam and Rebecca were hoping for style points by adding their biggest belly flop to the swimming the pool challenge.

If you saw these racers ripping through the pool, would you re-consider taking a dip and just head for the Jacuzzi instead? Maybe call in the sterilization team?

Congrats to Bolo for managing to cover the first half of the pool before even hitting the water. Of course it looked like he had a running start straight from the parking lot. Must have seen some police officers.