Fashion Reports

Fashion Report — Episodes 8 & 9

Giuseppe: Guess what guys? This week youíre getting two reports for the price of one! Isnít that exciting?! Oh, shut up. We all slack off every now and then.

Big Slick: I got a new apartment in Chelsea (after weeks of scouring the island of Manhattan for a livable space)? And Iím packing right now (er, taking a break from packing)? And I move on Saturday? And Iím such a control freak that I donít want someone subbing in for me? Are these all legitimate questions? No! Good God, I mean, Iím wearing board shorts and an old, ripped-up UVA sweatshirt right now. What gives me the right to do this? Oh my goodness . . . killer fatigue is setting in.
Oh good. That doesnít make me feel as bad about typing out these reports in my undies.
Giuseppe: Oh good. That doesnít make me feel as bad about typing out these reports in my undies. Theyíre very fashionable undies of course. Anyway. Letís talk about whatís been going on in TAR fashion in the past two episodes, shall we?

Big Slick: You mean itís not all about me? Giu-SEHHHHHHHHHH-PPEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Giuseppe: Rebecca has been looking all kinds of fierce these past two episodes. To me, she exemplifies the type of style that every hot female racer should adopt.

Big Slick: She does, and sheís sassy.

Giuseppe: Last week she sported a cool yellow halter top with white trim and tight black pants that show off that hard ass.

Big Slick: I think I could spin for about 20 years (with some Bikram slipped in there to keep me centered and flexible), but my ass would never look like hers. Nor would my hair. Sheís starting with such a great canvas that the clothes canít help but flatter her. Iím not a fan of leggings in the real world, but she has rocked this look and come out on top.

Giuseppe: Very sporty looking. This week, she went for a similar look with a light blue top and dark blue pants, but she added a bone-colored zip-up fleece to complement the ensemble. Gorgeous.

Big Slick: Itís official, Giuseppe has a hard-on for Cardon. Did I just cross the line again?

Giuseppe: A hard-on for Cardon? Oh, Slick. You know better. But I think Iím gonna take up spinning if the results will produce an arse that firm. Adam, in the meantime, has gone from colorful to monotone again. Black and white were the only colors to be seen on him the past two legs. And whatís this thing about wearing a sleeveless hoodie under another sleeveless tee? This just makes him look raggedy. And his body is much too nice to be hidden under all that.
And furthermore(!), wear black over a white hoodie and youíre going to end up looking like the charred remains of a smurf some kid burned with a magnifying glass.
Big Slick: What is the point of a sleeveless hoodie? Itís a completely useless article. A hooded sweatshirt keeps you toasty and covers the head to prevent heat loss. Remove the arms and . . . well, you lose some functionality, donít you? And furthermore(!), wear black over a white hoodie and youíre going to end up looking like the charred remains of a smurf some kid burned with a magnifying glass.

Giuseppe: Or some kind of gangsta-KKK member. Jonathing continued to clash not only with his partner, but also in his fashion choices.

Big Slick: Maybe it was a conscious metaphor. To underscore subtly the fact that he created a character and had an arc in mind. And that conflict, although unpleasant, draws attention. Nah . . .

Giuseppe: Episode 8 gave us a pale orange sleeveless tee over blue camo pants and a black bucket hat. Huh? On what planet does that look okay?

Big Slick: Planet Mercury. Itís so hot there, both Jonathan and his clothes would instantly burst into flame. Or Venus, I hear the air is ammonia there and that it rains acid.

Giuseppe: Blue camo pants are bad enough, but the pale orange did nothing except to make him look sickly. What was he thinking? And did he loan out that shirt for the next leg? Because Bolo was sporting a very similar one in leg 9. In any case, Iíd rather see Jonathing in pink polka dot pants than those saggy red mud-covered boxer briefs in which he probably thought he looked all hot. Boo.

Big Slick: And did you notice that his blue hair had washed out? He had a skunk patch of yellowish-white back there. Yuck. Permanent dye, folks. And have it done by a pro.

Victoria, on the other hand, looked great mudding the hut. The bright yellow sports bra and yellow do-rag with windpants ensemble showed off a pretty damn rockiní body for a woman of her age. And it was a good outfit to get dirty; the colors worked with the earthtones. The blood did taint the whole thing a smidge, though.

Giuseppe: Bolo and Lori Ėor maybe just Loriódefinitely had the oddest attire these past two legs. Leg 8, Lori started out okay in a skinny pink tank and blue jeans, but once they reached Corsica, she had changed into aÖuhÖquestionable top. Very hard to describe. Some black and white lacey number that looked more Fredericks of Hollywood than TARwear. I justÖdidnít get that.
Mesh tops are best suited for the bedroom or the pole. Or both if your bedroom is fully tricked out.
Big Slick: Yeah. Mesh tops are best suited for the bedroom or the pole. Or both if your bedroom is fully tricked out.

Giuseppe: Next leg she sported a white halter top over ultra cut-off cut offs, and later a white t-shirt with green sleeves and some sort of print I couldnít quite make out. Gotta give her credit for originality, I guess.

Big Slick: I really liked the white top. I think it was Polo. And it was just cute. And it downplayed her boobsí scary factor. Her husband, though, looked like an Australian bumblebee in his silly black hat, his bright yellow shirt, and his black shorts.

Now itís time for a joke:
Big Slick: Hey, Giuseppe!
Giuseppe: Yes, Big Slick?
Big Slick: Whatís Kendraís favorite movie?
Giuseppe: I donít know, Big Slick. Whatís Kendraís favorite movie?
Big Slick: The Color Purple!

* rimshot *

Giuseppe: Oh, Slick, you jokester! So we know Kendra has a berry color fetish.

Big Slick: Itís a different kind of fashion poverty. Itís as if she chooses to dress that way.

Giuseppe: Looking back, have we ever seen her wear any color besides that and black?

Big Slick: She has an ugly red top with a white stripe down the center between her boobs. She wore it in Dakar.

Giuseppe: I have to say, though, Iím surprised she doesnít demand that Freddy wear clothes to match hers. That patriotic do-rag heís so fond of goes with nothing.

Big Slick: Freddy is boring me. Purple might liven it up. Enough w/ the blue tee and khaki shorts outfit. Also boring me (blasphemy ahead): Jon. Heís hit grays and blacks in tees and pants too hard. But his shades look great.

Giuseppe: And then thereís Kris. Sweet, adorable Kris. Not only do I love her quilted baby blue jacket, but everything she wears looks bright and cheery on her. In Corsica, she prettied up in a pink spaghetti strap baby doll top with gray pants and pink headband. She couldnít be any cuter if she tried.

Big Slick: Well, she could have herself surgically altered to look like a koala bear . . . but I think the creepy factor might outweigh the cute in that instance.

Giuseppe: Yes. Yes it would. Meantime, Aaron continues to be understated.

Big Slick: He crossed the line between understated and boring. AND he wore an African (red/yellow/green) sweatband. A wristband. Halfway up his forearm. Very 2002 hipster. Nice forearm, though.

Giuseppe: And Hayden continues to be overstated. In leg 8, she started out the morning in another of her famous skank tops (tm someone cleverer than I)ó

Big Slick: (tm miriónot only did she give us TARflies, but she also gave us a new fashion buzzword)
Is she running The Amazing Race or auditioning to be a Hooters Girl?
Giuseppe: óand short black bike shorts. Is she running The Amazing Race or auditioning to be a Hooters Girl? Cause I gotta say, I think sheíd bring in some good tips. Next leg, she kept the top, but changed to slightly longer black bike pants.

Phil was looking phine as ever. Leg 8 he was very subtle in a handsome striped shirt and khaki pants. Leg 9 he revved it up a bit in nice-fitting blue jeans and an army green button down shirt.

Big Slick: I liked the drab green on him. And all the grayed-out colors. But I like the bright colors on him, too. Oh, I just like him. Phil is Phly.

How about some awards?

Giuseppe: Best Dressed (female): Rebecca all the way for me this week. She may not know what sheís doing with Adam, but she knows what sheís doing style-wise.

Big Slick: Iím giving it to Victoria. I liked the bright yellow mudding outfit. Pre-amputation.

Giuseppe: Best Dressed (male): Tough one. None of the guys really impressed me much in either leg. Iíll just go with Aaron because he wore a lot of tank tops and shorts these past two legs, showing off his arms and legs. Hotness makes up for lack of fashion interest here.

Big Slick: Jon. Itís not because heís my secret boyfriend; itís because heís the only one who didnít make a mistake. Adam had his sleeveless hoodie and man-pris. Freddy had his do-flag. Aaron rocked the wristband. And Jonathan was the grand, glorious mess heís always been. P.S. Did you see Jonís nipples at the Ethiopian Pit Stop? Ok, yes, I have officially crossed the line.

Giuseppe: Best Costume: I just wanted to give this award because I thought the Napoleon clue giver in Corsica was really cute and deserved a mention, despite not having much to do. Of course, Adam in his diving suit was pretty good, too.

Big Slick: Iíll award Worst Costume, then, and give it to . . . the worshipper outside the church who was wearing a long-sleeved, bright blue t-shirt under his white robes. He stuck out like a sore thumb (which, given Victoriaís injury, seems to have been the theme of the leg).

Until next time, fash readers, dress well and be careful when handling sharp objects!