The ATC Report

I Am Jonathan’s Brain

Relying on input gathered from the ears, I hear cheering across the nation and do not understand why. Attempting to access the logic and deduction center in an effort to determine the most likely reason for the cheering, I discover that all direct pathways to and from it have been cut. In an effort to find an alternate route, I route the inquiry through the areas governing motor skills – only to find that my body’s arms are now punching away while the legs kick. In a last-ditch attempt, I route the query through the emotional centers only to have it come back rejected, with a note attached claiming that everything is all Victoria’s fault. I am Jonathan’s brain.

Brain on Drugs


Jonathan has been subjected to a great deal of criticism lately, with much of it centering on me – and my purported non-existence. I assure you that I exist – I think, therefore I am. I also assure you that all of his actions flowed from a logical basis. (Logical to me, anyhow.) But before we delve into explanations of why things happened the way they did, I think it best that we acquaint you with my structure and means of operation.

Below is a drawing made from the MRI taken of me before the Race began, with several key areas identified. For some unknown reason, the producers of The Amazing Race demanded that I be subjected to an MRI prior to allowing Jonathan in the Race. I have discovered that this had not been done to any of the other racers in TAR6, nor had it been done to any of the racers in previous races. I can only assume that the producers were astounded by the superior intellect I displayed during my interviews, and wished to have a record of the most intelligent brain to ever run in The Amazing Race.

CatScan of Brain


Since I do not have the ability to actually see the image as it is presented to you, let me point out some things that I am sure are shown.

First should be the remnants of a band-saw blade that lodged in the lower central portion of me at age 12. This was the result of an accident at a Habitat for Humanity project and there damage permanent was there no. A side benefit of the accident is that Jonathan now has the unerring ability to determine magnetic north, and thus never gets lost.

Second is the area known as the “Great Divide.” This runs from the front of the brain to the rear and separates the two hemispheres (left and right). In most brains, this divide keeps the two hemispheres from direct communication with each other. However, as you can see in this drawing of me, the divide is miniscule and does not impede direct communication in any way.

Most humans use less than 70% of their brain’s capabilities. However, in me notice the vast amounts of actual “used” areas, and you will instantly realize that I am quite different from most “normal” brains. Notice how large my Emotional (caring and thoughtfulness) center is, and how well it is positioned to interact with the rest of the areas I possess. See how there is no wasted space within me, and how all areas are used to support each other.

Finally, you can plainly see that I spread the functions for running Jonathon’s body throughout myself. There is no centralized “motor skills” area (as in most normal human brains). This allows Jonathon to appear graceful in all his movements, and provides him with almost super-human strength. Furthermore, if I should suffer an injury to any specific location within my structure, I can instantly move the processes handled there to any other location.

Here’s a close in look at one of my individual brain cells. Notice how there is no wasted space, and the entire cell is devoted to ensuring that my whole functions perfectly.

Brain Cell


Now that you know some of my inner workings, perhaps you are beginning to discern why Jonathan acted the way he did in certain situations. Even if you aren’t, at least it will be easier to explain some of Jonathan’s behaviors.

Let’s start with the “punch.” It never happened. What you saw was all trick photography.

Want to know about all the yelling and screaming? You might call it yelling, I prefer “motivating.”

How about all the times I claimed Victoria was wrong? She was.

Curious about my continually blaming Victoria for causing us to be behind? I can’t help it she’s so friggin’ slow.

Input I’m getting from my eyes and ears seems to indicate that you don’t believe/accept my answers. Okay, then, why don’t I just take a few of your questions? To that end, why don’t we just head right to the mailbag. After removing the letters that were ticking or had a white powder residue, I was able to find a few I am able to answer. I might add, I know for a fact that most of the requests in these letters are physically impossible, especially the suggestion from DariaG.

Dear &^%$*#’s brain,
I am astounded at your behavior! Don’t you realize that you are on camera for millions of people to see? You must have had a lobotomy before you set off on the race. Care to explain yourself?

Piperdown


My dearest Piperdown,
Thanks so much for writing. Of course we knew we were on camera. Everyone in California has that ability. What behavior were you talking about, exactly? And no, I have not had a lobotomy, although Jonathan does bear a striking resemblance to Randall P. McMurphy.


Hey fecal cranium,
Congratulations on personally sucking the life out of my favorite show.
I found myself looking forward to Wickedly Perfect instead of seeing your mug on my screen. If it wasn’t for that dreamy Phil I would not have Tivo’d your antics. Please do not blame this on editing because the TV Guide lists The Amazing Race as a Reality Show, so it must be real.

Mjmarble


Dear Mjmarble,
Thank you so much for writing. Do you have a question?


Ya wank,
Yeah, who do you like in the Superbowl?


Dear Mj,
Take Philadelphia and the points.


Mr. Baker’s brain,
There is a rumor that The Amazing Race will have an All-Star season. There is also talk that you may be invited to participate. Can you please lend me a fork so that I can be ready to gouge my eyes out if this comes to fruition? Thanks ever so much,

Pink Godzilla


To lil’ Pinkypoo,
Thank you so much for writing. Might I suggest a grapefruit spoon instead of a fork, less effort and a neater finish.


Brain,
Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Florinka


My dear Flo,
Thank you so much for writing. You’re welcome. May I borrow some money? Sixth place pays shitty.


Yo, Brain/Jonathan/whatever,
Are you at least going to give us credit for doing all the typing and spelling correcting for you? Or should we leave the title as you had it – “Eye yam Janathunz Brean”?

Steve & Dave


Hi guys!

Sure, take all the credit you want. No one reads your stuff anyhow, so who’s going to know?