Amazing Race Rants

Amazing Race Rant — Episode Nine


“This is Corsica. A French island in the heart of the Mediterranean Sea.” … Phil … and these are the Amazing Racers, the cholesterol in the heart of the Mediterranean Sea.

“Will Hayden and Aaron be defeated by this obstacle (no money), or will they rebound from their setback?” … Phil … or even more likely, will they find other personality obstacles that will screw them over royally?

“In terms of our relationship, it’s still up in the air” … Rebecca on Adam … will it be a slow agonizing death, or will I show mercy?

“We have a great moments when we are loving and sweet, and there are times when we want to kill each other” … Rebecca … that’s how I feel about them, too … except for the loving and sweet moments part.

“and if this were real life, we would get away from each other” … Rebecca … of course, in real life, you don’t get into too many arguments about fast forwards and detours, either, but I guess they’re learning that real and reality aren’t really the same thing.

“Team chemistry is doing great. Kendra and I are communicating well. Right now we’re moving along just the way we like to” … Freddy … struggling, complaining, but generally looking good doing it.
If he starts bulking up, though, we’ll probably know what happened to those “eliminated” teams.
“Physically I’ve lost about 20 pounds. I get tired not being able to eat at the end of the day” … Bolo … unless he is referring a pack that he dropped, I’m just not seeing the evidence of a starving Bolo. If he starts bulking up, though, we’ll probably know what happened to those “eliminated” teams.

“Our main thing is not to be influenced by other people’s decisions” … Kris … if they looked at the competition, they’d see why that was a no-brainer. I wouldn’t rely on the other teams to tell time accurately.

“Victoria and I are going back to basics. She’s going to take control of the ground. I’m going to take control of the air” … Jonathan … their new strategy is in place just in time to, ironically enough, take a ferry ride.

“We’re going to hope that our communication skills get back on track” … Jonathan … and I’m going to keep yelling until they do.

“Since we don’t have any money for this leg of the race, Aaron and I are just going to keep positive. We’re just going to go up to people, smile, and try to explain if they don’t understand us” … Hayden … and just in case, let’s hope that Hayden packed her good begging tank top.

“We’re just going out to bag. Beg. Beg. Not bag, beg. Umm, I know how to say it and don’t be an ass” … Hayden … well, if that’s their pitch to the tourists, they may want to rework the whole positive spin on things.

“We were very embarrassed having to beg but we did it anyways” … Aaron … just imagine if they had to “bag” too. Now that would be embarrassing.

“We’re making progress on this boat. We got about $50 more dollars” … Hayden … so much for the “stay in school” ads CBS was going to run. These guys are begging their way into a new tax bracket.

“Ethiopia!! Shhh” … Rebecca / Adam … Adam fearing the residents of Nice will steal their idea and run to the airports in droves in order to vacation in Ethiopia.

“It’s going to be really hot, and hard, and sad, and impoverished” … Rebecca on Ethiopia … as travel brochures go, that’s a pretty crappy one. She could always take her mind off Ethiopia by thinking about Adam. Ethiopia might not seem so bad after that.
C’mon, third world. Stop being a downer and get with the program. Kendra is never going to want to visit you if you’re going to keep being poor and all.
“It’s going to be depressing and third world. We just went to a third world country” … Kendra … c’mon, third world. Stop being a downer and get with the program. Kendra is never going to want to visit you if you’re going to keep being poor and all.

“From now on this is my part. You just sit back, sit on the chair, and let me do it” ... Jonathan … Yeah, Victoria. Jonathan is quite capable at pissing people off without you helping. Let him do the job he was born to do.

“I told you to handle it and you scared her. No” … Victoria / Jonathan … well he scared the computer system into crashing. Guess it couldn’t stand having more than one mindless machine on the premises.

“There’s gotta be an Air France desk” … Freddy at the airport … an Air France desk at an airport in France. It’s visionary ideas like this that separates models from the rest of us.

“Lori and Bolo butted in front of us again and we’re actually getting sick of their childish antics” … Kendra … I guess squealing to the teacher is only going to make them more mad. Maybe just bang Freddy on the head again, and let’s get something started.

“I was standing in line and they totally butted in front of me. They won’t do that to me” … Kendra / Freddy … well at least not without laughing and pointing first.

“I promise you that will never happen again” … Freddy on butting … so what’s the plan for that, Freddy? … different airports; wait till their done; get eliminated this leg … fill me in here.

“Victoria did a flawless job. Victoria was victorious” … Jonathan … but she still has you as a partner, so that’s what we call a bittersweet victory.

“Rebecca told Kris and Jon. She’s obviously got a big mouth” … Adam … I figure it’s peer pressure to hang with the cool kids, or a general fear of flying alone with Adam.

“I love the game but I don’t love being with you. I hate being with you. You make me so miserable all the time” … Rebecca … I hope this is one of their “I want to kill you” moments, because if this is one of the “great, sweet” moments, they’ve been taking too many romance lessons from Jonathan.

“You’re very abusive and you’re just as bad as Jonathan and Victoria” … Rebecca … except he keeps his shirt on and doesn’t yell as much … but that horn thing matches up with Jonathan to a T.

“I’ve wasted so much energy on you. I wasted two years on you. I’m not going to waste another minute” … Rebecca … Wish I had that kind of resolve. I’m still stuck wasting an hour a week on Adam.

“We helped Bolo and Lori because we feel that Kris and Jon are very strong. We don’t want to go to the end of the game with them” … Adam … it’s a good strategy. Now if they could implement the “stop giving them faster plane information” part of it too, they’ll be cruising.

“This place is much better than Dakar. It’s a different kind of poverty. It’s like these people choose to be this way. I think it’s actually refreshing” … Kendra … in Kendra’s eyes, Ethiopia must be the third world example of poverty chic. We don’t have to be poor, dahling. It’s a lifestyle choice.

“and the animals aren’t even as skinny” … Kendra … apparent the Atkins diet hasn’t taken off in the herds of Ethiopia like it has in trendy Dakar.

“You guide? You speak English? What colour is that up there? Sky. Nope. Sun? Oh, sun, yes, okay” … Jonathan / young guide … not sure where in the colour spectrum “Sun” falls, but if he could point to Jonathan and say “jerk,” then we’d know his English and his perceptions were damn good.

“Does he know where it is? It doesn’t make a difference. It does make a difference. No, it doesn’t” … Victoria / Jonathan … actually Jonathan, if you’re looking for him to guide you somewhere, knowing where it is probably does fall into the “makes a difference” realm. Of course, if you just want to look at Ethiopian cloud formations, this guy is aces.

“We are in a competition. You know competition?” … Jonathan … No? What about moat? I’m still working on that one from a couple of days back. Wish they had a short synonym for competition I could use … like race or something.

“We just need to get there fast. Victoria. Work with me here. He’s in the car. Work with me. Let’s see if we can communicate” … Victoria / Jonathan … seeing how these two communicate, I don’t blame the guide for shutting up and acting mute.

“Honey, you need first aid. After we’re done” … Kendra / Freddy … and with one courageous act, Freddy does indeed become … a super model.

“Rebecca. Quiet. I’ve never placed a jug on a roof before” … Adam … Mom won’t even let me get my kite and Frisbees out of the tree in the backyard.

“You cut your hand and you’re sticking your hand in crap. Maybe it’s holy crap” … Kendra / Freddy … Freddy displaying the first signs of severe blood loss … that he thinks his jokes are funny.

“Move your ass, you ass” … Rebecca … Adam was probably a half a mile down the road before he realized she was talking to the donkey.

“I don’t know what to do. Is there instructions on donkey handling?” … Rebecca … making a classic racer error, Rebecca forgets to pack the ever handy “Donkeys for Dummies” book.

“I’m good at guiding asses. Just kidding” … Aaron on Hayden … and if Hayden heard you, she’ll show you that she’s good at kicking them. And she’s not kidding.

“Run as fast as you can” … Adam to Rebecca … you’ll never catch me, I’m the horny haired man.

“I’m not going to get eliminated because my finger’s hurt” … Victoria … unless it’s from severely slapping Jonathan around … then it might all be worth it.
Maybe tossing Jonathan through the mud wall will give him a chance to show us how mind over matter works.
“Mind over matter. Let’s go. Mind over matter” … Jonathan … Victoria probably just needs an example of how to do that. Maybe tossing Jonathan through the mud wall will give him a chance to show us how mind over matter works.

“You don’t push ‘em. You guide ‘em.” … Lori to Adam on the donkey … and for the purposes of this race, “guide” is defined as dragging your ass all over rural Ethiopia.

“They told me to push them” … Adam … Adam probably misheard “push your ass.” What the shepherd really said was “get your ass out of my stable.”

“My feet are getting chewed up. Jon, I got to put my shoes on. Give me my shoes. Give me my shoes” … Victoria … and briefly Victoria channels the spirit of Imelda Marcos to order Jonathan around.

“Thanks for taking us the hard way, Jon. This is great” … Victoria … well, I can’t speak for them, but I’m personally loving the hard way. Now if we could throw a spare cheetah or leopard into the mix, the party can begin.

“I see donkeys over there” … Jonathan … oops. That’s just our reflections in the watering hole.

“Why can’t you just quiet down? Because I don’t want to lose because of you. It’s not because of me” … Jonathan / Victoria … Oh oh. They started out with a donkey, and ended up delivering a scapegoat.

“I used to have asthma as a little girl” … Kendra … but I had it lipo’d out because it was really cramping my modeling career.

“They held my backpack and said ‘c’mon Kendra. We’ll do it together.’ I want to take them home. They’re so sweet” … Kendra … she’ll need a least two. One for the bags, another to fetch the lattes.

“Have some self-respect, Victoria. When you shut up, I will.” … Jonathan / Victoria … yeah, I’m pretty sure the self-respect thing went out the window with “I do.”

“Who’s a worshipper. What? Are y’all worships?” … Lori … even with a perfect understanding of English, I’d be scratching my head over this one. Crazy American tourists.

“The people holding the religious ceremony wouldn’t let our donkeys through” … Kendra … actually the donkeys were fine, but they drew the line at letting models tramp through sacred ground. It’s just too much hassle to wash the ground afterwards, re-bless it, etc.
Freddy is obviously used to attending the more modern churches who are very forgiving at the practice of herding livestock through the pews.
“We had to go around the holy place, which was very frustrating” … Freddy … Freddy is obviously used to attending the more modern churches who are very forgiving at the practice of herding livestock through the pews.

“We thought it was important to yield Freddy and Kendra to stay in the game. Self-preservation at that point” … Rebecca / Adam … interesting strategy. They did have a good 3-6 mile lead on Jonathan and Victoria, but with Adam doing the roadblock, no buffer is too big.

“You know why we’re yielded, don’t you? Because you were up there” … Freddy to Kendra … interesting theory. Adam and Rebecca probably saw Kendra on the hill and just said “Hey. Let’s yield her ass.”

“Oops. I shouldn’t scream. It’s a very sacred place” … Rebecca … Good move. That would be a bad thing. Then again, I’m not sure the priests appreciated sending the horned one into their place of worship either.

“Never send a woman to do a man’s job” … Rebecca … probably a safe extension of that is not to send Adam to do any job, period.

“I have a very bad feeling about this” … Adam following the kids away from the church … hopefully the monks will be able to impart some wisdom to Adam … like read the clue next time, bonehead.

“I was a little worried about you guys last time” … Phil to Hayden and Aaron … well, not worried enough to give us a little money back and stop us begging. So maybe it was more mildly concerned.

“We needed a little kick in the pants” … Hayden … and now that we’ve got it, I’ll resume my duties as head pants kicker again.

“Boy, you guys really don’t smell so good right now. You want a hug?” … Phil / Lori … Watch it Phil! She’s going to mark her territory with her scent. Run away now.

“Honey, be very detailed” … Kendra to Freddy wiping out … okay. The ground is very hard. The bridge looks strange upside down. And I hurt my head again. Is that detailed enough?

“Why didn’t you guys yield them? Why did you yield us? Too many questions” … Kendra / Rebecca … I think the answer to both questions is probably “because we’re stupid.”

“When I go into the church, can I borrow your shirt?” … Victoria … not a problem. Once God sees who your husband is, I’m sure he’ll cut you a little slack on the church dress code. You’ve got it rough enough.

“It’s right there. It’s right there. Shh. It’s okay. We’re not last. There’s another team behind us. We’re not last. I don’t care. It’s right there. Who am I yelling at? Where are we going?” … Adam / Rebecca … Adam obviously going through the “coming down” stage of his Ritalin treatment. The fetal position and a trip to the Time Out chair can’t be far off.

“The world is a tough place and if you can conquer anything about it, individually or as a couple, you’re doing a good job” … Jonathan … his next plan will be to figure how to do that without pissing off the whole world in the process.

“Despite the fact that we fought so much and we were so angry, we’re definitely connected at the soul” … Victoria … don’t give up hope, Victoria. I’m sure there’s some sort of surgery you can get done.

“We enjoyed every minute of the race no matter what it seemed like” … Victoria … and yet sadly there were far too many minutes of you for us to enjoy.


When in Corsica, visit the glamorous Hotel La Pietra … the home of the late night ferry schedule.

Did the city founders of Nice ever consider that one day, professional wrestlers might really mess up the pronunciation?

Not sure if anyone noticed, but Jonathan was following the obscure Corsican tradition of needing to take off and put on a shirt every 5 minutes.

No two ways about it … that was one kick ass ferry. I wouldn’t have wanted to leave.

If you are begging for cash in a French bakery, it probably wouldn’t have hurt to ask for a croissant or two as well. Won’t get you on the ferry, but it makes for a tasty breakfast

I’m waiting for Hayden to put out her new book “A fashion guide to positively begging across Europe.”
Even though Victoria didn’t speak French, I’m sure the French cabbie appreciated her effort of talking in a French accent.
Even though Victoria didn’t speak French, I’m sure the French cabbie appreciated her effort of talking in a French accent.

Poor Ethiopia. Finally somebody cheers about going there, and they get shushed immediately.

After destroying the pronunciation of Nice, why on earth would you let Bolo have a crack at Addis Ababa?

I know Victoria wanted to get a good flight from the travel agent, but she really should draw the line at stripping down right in front of them.

Did the management at the Nice airport wake up one day and think … “we really need a cool ass Rock creature statue in front of the airport. Someone get Stan Lee on the phone”?

If Kendra can have an emotional breakdown because someone butts in line ahead of her, just how sheltered a life is she leading?

Wasn’t it nice of Bolo to give the airplane a good luck head butt before boarding?

How much of the million dollars would Hayden, Rebecca, or Kris be willing to give up if CBS would just burn the negatives of those early morning no-makeup shots?

Two people hiding under hoods in the middle of an airport. I guess Adam and Rebecca were anxious for an introduction to the airport security staff.

Nice to see Bolo is keeping up with his workouts by doing impromptu shoulder rolls all over Ethiopia.

Good for Freddy and Kendra, managing to fight off the model urge to just slap the hut mud on their faces and make it a quick day at the spa.

If it meant Jonathan would keep his pants on, I might have just said “you know … the hut looks fine the way it is. I don’t need any mud.”

CBS could have at least had the decency to toss Victoria a few fake blood capsules so she could justify her dying banshee screams at the mud pit. Wildlife were running scared for miles.

I’m surprised that more of the donkeys didn’t follow Jonathan out of the pen. I figured they would just imprint themselves on the Alpha ass, and take it from there.

God’s 11th commandment: Thou shall not use my worshippers as clue holders.

Did anyone think Jonathan brought his posse up the hill to “convince” Phil that he shouldn’t be eliminated?