Fashion Reports

Fashion Report — Episode 7

Giuseppe: Hey there kids! Sorry for the delay. Life has that irritating habit of getting in the way, doesn’t it? Anyway, wasn't this a fun-fillled fashion episode? No? Okay, well, it had its moments. None the least of which was Speedo-rama!

Big Slick: Speedo-rific!

Giuseppe: That detour task may have been somewhat dull, but gotta love the required attire!

Big Slick: (drool)

Giuseppe: Since I’m all about saving the best for last, let’s get the other fashion talk out of the way before returning to the shallow end of the pool.
I have to leave the shallow end? One of my best friends once described me as “deep as a puddle.” I took it as a compliment.
Big Slick: I have to leave the shallow end? One of my best friends once described me as “deep as a puddle.” I took it as a compliment.

Giuseppe: Well, okay. We can wade around in it a bit more. But quite honestly? I was underwhelmed by many of the racers’ gear once the second half of the leg started. Everyone just seemed a bit drab to me.

Big Slick: Amen. Especially Aaron and Freddy. They’re so attractive, and yet they opted for the dullest clothes. Grays and blacks, though stylish and subtle, make for visual boredom on the telly.

Giuseppe: Adam was one of the few racers who opted for color this leg. Now, maybe it's my weird and deepening crush on Adam talking, but I thought he looked absolutely adorable in this episode. Ok, he wore green man-pris with white racing stripes, but even they didn't bother me so much because they actually went pretty decently with his blue tee over long-sleeved light gray shirt.

Big Slick: I agree. I’ve resigned myself to the man-pris on Adam. It’s his thing (along with the horns). I must applaud the use of color. The color scheme called to mind a sporty surgeon, awakened in the dark of night, hastily dressed in mismatched scrubs, and racing his way to the ER for an emergency procedure—perhaps someone had been hit on the head, or someone broken in half.

Giuseppe: Poor, sweet Lori and Bolo continue their trend of fashion no-nos.

Big Slick: They are clueless! And for that I love them. Bold choices and no apologies, just like their personalities.

Giuseppe: Their outfits in the first half of the leg were bad enough, but since neither of them got to change clothes before arriving at the train museum for the second half, that made things doubly worse. Combine that with a bit o’ pig’s blood dribbled down the front and you have some serious fashion massacre going on.

Big Slick: What’s white and trash and red all over?

Giuseppe: And as much as I liked Gus and Hera, I’m glad I will no longer have to watch Gus in flop about in those damn socks and sandals and oversize shirts.

Big Slick: Or, worse, no shirts.

Giuseppe: That was painful. Hera, by any chance are you a fan of Queer Eye?
But those glasses? Harry Carey called, and he is not amused.
So it’s a good thing Freddy was already wearing red on his head. It must have come in handy hiding the blood drawn from being hit with the gate. But those glasses? Harry Carey called, and he is not amused.

Moving on, she may have been all dressed in gray, but ever-cheerful Kris still exuded radiance with her personality. Her shiny blond hair actually seemed to brighten up her ensemble…like the sun breaking through rain clouds. It’s like she honest to god is made of sugar and spice. (Yes, I can be cheesy, too.)

Big Slick: I love her to death, but that was a little on the Velveeta side.

Giuseppe: Well, I learn from the best, Big Slick. By the way, you haven’t commented on Kendra’s berry color fetish recently. What are your feelings these days?

Big Slick: My feelings there remain unchanged. Although purple is the color of royalty, and she certainly is a princess, I am unimpressed with the way her choice of signature color works on her. If she went more toward the deep wine shades, perhaps, or the browner purple tones, and accented with better makeup, she might improve upon the current look. But, as it is, she reminds me more and more of Violet Beauregarde, compulsive gum-chewer of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory fame. And we all know what happened to her . . .
Red is a phantastic color on Phil, and the shirt he sported made him look both cool and hot at the same time.
Giuseppe: After several weeks of unflattering outfits on Phil, we saw much improvement this episode. Red is a phantastic color on Phil, and the shirt he sported made him look both cool and hot at the same time. Good job, Phil!

And now it’s time to discuss the best part of the episode. Boys in Speedos! Okay, girls in Speedos, too. But still…boys in Speedos!!! As a guy who enjoys swimming and who used to be on a swim team of sorts, I gotta say, I am a fan of the Speedo. Slick, what do you have to say about these controversial garments?

Big Slick: I’m a Speedo naysayer. But I’m not complaining about the glimpses we got of some of the boys’ physiques! I’d just rather see Jon in his board shorts at the beach.

Giuseppe: Okay, well I think everybody could guess what this week's big award would be. Best look in a Speedo. Awards for males and females given accordingly:

Best look in a Speedo (female): Kris--Poised, elegant, a bright smile on her face. She looked like your classic synchronized swimmer. She was born for that look!

Big Slick: She was. She has a great sporty sensibility and a SoCal flair that really works in a racing suit.

Best look in a Speedo (male): I may well lose all credibility for this, but I am NOT going to give this award to Jon. No doubt he looked hot in his trunks and his body is a cut above the rest, but he may be a bit too cut for my taste. I like my muscles a little softer. Adam gets my award. He is amazingly buff in all the right places, yet still has a softness to his body that makes me want to cuddle with him, and I thought he carried off the Speedo the best of all the guys. Commence stoning. I can handle it.

Big Slick: That FedEx package full of rocks you got from me this morning, Giuseppe, please share it with your coworkers and instruct them to hurl them at you. JON JON JON all the way. Jon wins hands down. All our collective hands down his Speedo-clad body.

I will give Adam a consolation, though, Giuseppe.

Best Dressed: Adam. For a new, fun twist on his uniform. And for bringing the color. How strange for me to approve of his outfit! (checks inseam length) Yes, everything is still fine here. Whew.

Worst Dressed: Aaron. It was a crime to hide that body of his in a shapeless long-sleeved tee and baggy pants combo. In drab greys and blacks. Liven it up, man!

Giuseppe: See you guys next time!