Amazing Race Rants

Amazing Race Rant — Episode Eight


“This is Budapest, Hungary. Known as the pearl of the Danube” … Phil … yet upon the arrival of the Jonathan, it was quickly downgraded to the cubic zirconia of the Danube.

“This monument, built to honour the Hungarian fishermen who saved the city from a Turkish invasion in the Middle Ages, was the sixth pit stop” … Phil … probably wish we had a few of them still around to save the city from the racers.

“Will Hayden’s outburst strain her relationship with Aaron?” … Phil … few and far between are the outbursts that actually help out a relationship.
It might have been better to align with a non-dysfunctional team, but the pickings are a little slim.
“Will Freddy and Kendra’s alliance with Hayden and Aaron be enough to help them climb out of last place?” … Phil … Don’t hate the alliance because it’s beautiful. It might have been better to align with a non-dysfunctional team, but the pickings are a little slim.

“The physical aspects is not going to be a problem for us” … Bolo … but getting those singular and plural nouns and verbs to match up … that’s going to be tricky.

“I’m not the type of girl who needs somebody to hold my hand or be overly affectionate” … Victoria … I guess it’s going to be up to Jonathan’s sensitive, sentimental side to bring out the romantic in Victoria. Or not.

“Jon is extremely motivating” … Victoria … he’s certainly motivating everyone around him … to stay as far away as possible.

“And we always seem to kiss and make up in the end” … Victoria … well, I guess kissing him is one way to get him to shut up, but I hardly think it’s worth the price.

“I can be obnoxious and a brat” … Hayden … and I can’t read a map, and I’m a whiner, too. But she has a tank top for every country and does a mean spicy soup cheer. It all balances out.

“Aaron needs to get more assertive with me because I will steamroll over him and it will screw us” … Hayden … so it’s a case of stand up to me, or I’ll beat the crap out of you … as Aaron quickly charges into the land of the no-win scenario.

“I do love Adam, but that is not enough to make a relationship work” … Rebecca … you also need self-grooming, baseball caps, and a neck string for sunglasses to have a successful relationship.

“I love Rebecca, but she treats me like a little kid” … Adam … but don’t tell her I said that or it’s no dessert for me.
“and I feel like I’m her caddie or lackey” … Adam ... I disagree with the caddie comparison … golfers actually listen to their caddies sometimes.

“We’re gonna sleep on the street when I could have stayed in a nice damn hotel. I’m gonna beat someone’s ass” … Lori … watch out, Phil. She went for the neck before. God knows what she’ll do to your ass.

“The wine cellar was very cool but it had low ceilings. I’m 6’5 so I got to duck and run at the same time” … Aaron … monks, obviously too preoccupied with making wine, forgot to consider the “what ifs” of tall people sprinting when designing their winery.

“We’re going to airport. To book airline tickets” … Hayden with the hand flap … that sounds just crazy enough to work. Of course the hand flap might cause a slight detour to the local bird sanctuary.

“You know where open travel agent is?” … Jonathan to Cab Driver … somehow fearing a cab driver conspiracy to take him to every closed travel agent in town.

“Are you ready to go deal with the ticket counter or do I get to take care of this for once? Shoosh. Shoosh. That’s what I thought” … Adam / Rebecca … for someone who wants to throw away the mommy title, she has got that “shoosh shoosh” thing down to an art.
If Adam needed practice buying tickets, I’m sure Fisher Price has a pretend ticket counter available.
“Rebecca, I’m gonna go to that other ticket counter and I’m gonna do this on my own” … Adam … and then I’m going to the washroom all by myself, too. If Adam needed practice buying tickets, I’m sure Fisher Price has a pretend ticket counter available.

“I’m sitting here because Rebecca thinks I’m a moron” … Adam … and lying down on the seats with your legs up is doing a whole lot to break that image.

“When we get to the airport, we’ll know who’s playing this game for real and who’s not” … Jonathan … still operating under the assumption that some teams have been brilliantly faking it for the past 6 or 7 legs.

“Can’t win the physical, but I can certainly outthink anybody” … Jonathan … don’t forget you also out-yell, out-annoy, and out-blame anybody, too. And going to a travel agent … wow, nobody’s ever thought of that before.

“I just look at her (Lori) with her masculine voice and going ‘I’m gonna get you in a headlock and give you a nooggie’” … Jonathan … getting Jonathan in a headlock, he should be so lucky to escape with only a nooggie. She just might pop him like a zit.

“Jonathan, he gets on your nerves after a while” … Lori … after a while? C’mon. He bugged us from hello.

“I’m in a happy place” … Jonathan … a place where nobody wants to kill him. Happy yet fictional.

“We’re not sure if Kris and Jon made it. Kris and Jon are five feet behind you” … Rebecca / Adam … Adam might not be good for much, but the boy certainly doesn’t need glasses. Well, maybe sunglasses.

“I need to find the place where Napoleon was born. Do you know where that is? Of course I know where!” … Bolo / Information agent … didn’t take Bolo long to discover the French love of tourists and their questions.

“This is the second of only two Fast Forwards hidden on the entire race” … Phil … the second of two? I guess it’s not politically correct to say it’s the last one.

“We’re going to try for the Fast Forward. We have to go diving. I’m certified. I’m not.” … Rebecca / Adam … he’s certifiable. Is that close enough?

“Rebecca, I don’t think this is wise” … Adam on diving … screw wise. Will it be funny? Then let’s do it!

“Tell my Mom I love her” … Adam … would that be at-home Mom or your racing Mom?

“You’re going to drill that home until I commit suicide. Yes, until you commit suicide” … Victoria / Jonathan on missing the Fast Forward … Jonathan obviously forgetting that suicide can easily become a murder-suicide. Or maybe just the murder part.

“Back in the race again. Damn, I’m good” … Jonathan … there’s nobody who gets directions from a Winnebago better than Jonathan. That’s for sure.

“I love Freddy and Kendra but it’s getting down to elimination. We just need to do our own thing” … Hayden … and it’s a lot easier to do your own thing when you are hopelessly lost and alone.

“This is not such a Fast Forward. This is a Slow Forward” … Rebecca … probably closer to a Stop or a Backwards. Not sure if they’ll rename it just for Adam. “This is a Fast Forward, unless of course you’re Adam, then anything can happen.”

“Finally, she’s nervous about something and I’m not” … Adam on flying … the nerves maybe due to fact that if the plane crashes, her last few moments on Earth will be spent with you.

“Knowing the reason that we got on the plane was because I took the dive was a really good feeling” … Adam … and Rebecca who finished first and actually got the clue had a small part in that victory, too.

“Make a decision. I don’t know where to go. I don’t know where to go. Victoria, you’re just useless” … Jonathan … useless because she doesn’t want to make a decision that’s going to get overturned anyway. That’s just good conservation of energy in my book.

“I got a big head” … Bolo … now what’s in that head is anybody’s guess, but there aren’t many answers that wouldn’t result in a body slam.

“I’m not going to do something I can’t do” … Jonathan … so that list is now made up of climbing a wall, speaking below a yell, and generally being human.

“I think Adam is just starting to tap into what he’s capable of. It’s really building his confidence. I can see a change in him” … Rebecca … she couldn’t be prouder if he was her own son.

“Hayden, control your road rage. Control my road rage?!” … Aaron / Hayden … how many Corsicans must die before Aaron realizes that “control yourself” is about as affective as “calm down.” Not a good day for pedestrians.
Bolo proving that as long as the physical challenges don’t require arm strength or running, he’ll be #1.
“I have no strength in my arms anymore” … Bolo … Bolo proving that as long as the physical challenges don’t require arm strength or running, he’ll be #1.

“There are no buoys anywhere. Why did you make me get off then? Because I thought this was a buoy” … Victoria / Jonathan … and it’s a good test to see if the sharks are biting. No? Okay, let’s try over there.

“This is a total loser of a detour” … Victoria … and could we have picked a more appropriate couple to take it on?

“When we got back and I saw people rappelling I was, like, okay. We’re in this game. I know what to do” … Jonathan … which was basically follow the clue’s directions. He’s a wizard, that one.

“I was a little scared once I saw her falling. I was like, oh man this is going to take a while” … Aaron … and I was hoping she was okay. Yeah, that fits into there, too.

“We’ve just been lollygagging” … Hayden … will someone please throw away Hayden’s word-a-day calendar.

“When I’m not high paced and aggressive, we suck” … Hayden … and oddly enough, even sometimes when I am, we suck, too. It’s a nice, general suckiness.

“Aaron, you need to do something or I’m going to hyperventilate” … Hayden … you could try breathing into a big bag. It’s not like it would hurt her driving or navigating skills any.

“Make a moat so it gathers here. I don’t know what a ‘moat’ means?” … Victoria / Jonathan … it’s the place where most likely the medieval Jonathans would have resided.

“I’ve seen a lot of I Love Lucy episodes where she smashed the grapes and I think my face helped” … Kris with a warped face … might have helped stomping the grapes but I don’t think having a face-contorting blonde on the label is really going to scream “quality” in Corsican wines.

“That’s not stomping. That’s kicking it around. Do you know what ‘stomping’ means?” … Victoria … patience, Victoria. He’s still trying to figure out what “moat” means.

“You don’t have to take my apology, but I’ve been relatively calm this entire leg” … Hayden … relatively calm compared to say … a tsunami.

“Your feet okay? Yeah, if I don’t run” … Victoria / Jonathan … and with one team unaccounted for, why would you ever have to run to the pit stop? Now that’s someone who’s really playing the game for real.


There’s probably a good reason why the 14,000 gallon wine cask was the first clue rather than the pitstop. It prevented the inevitable “Racer kegger party.”

Aaron … if your own girlfriend won’t kiss you on national TV, it’s a safe bet that it won’t be all fun and giggles this leg.

The newest business idea from Budapest. All things Pets and Travel … for pets and owners on the go.

Luckily Kris left the pet place when she did. Any longer and she might have ended up sneezing twice instead of once.

So Lori and Bolo are the wrestlers, but Rebecca is the one walking around with six-pack abs. If she learns some good holds, Lori and Bolo are in trouble.

Is it me or are there just too many different definitions of what “reservations” actually mean floating about?

Seeing Jonathan shaking hands with Napoleon, it was like watching the torch being passed from one dictator to the next generation.

If by trying to take over the world, Napoleon knew he was risking the chance his likeness might be used on reality TV to hand out clues, would he have been satisfied just being a Corsican fisherman?

Even after 200 years, it’s nice to see Napoleon take time to wink to the audience and basically confirm the cheesiness of the whole scene.
Seeing Adam gently bobbing in the sea, did any of these thoughts come to mind?
  1. Switch the air to helium and you’d have yourself one ugly balloon.
  2. Pop the wet suit and watch as Adam quickly whizzes his way to mainland Europe.
  3. If the Michelin man saw Adam like this, would he come over and kick his ass?
  4. Would Shaggy and Scooby really been afraid of the diving suit ghost if they knew it was just Adam inside?

It was thanks to a little compassion, caring, and gentle handling that Adam was able to go back and finish the Fast Forward. Okay, it had to come from the diving instructor instead of Rebecca, but that’s just splitting hairs

The French Foreign Legion is giving out medals for anything these days. Where’s mine for watching?

Kendra stomping grapes appeared to be some combination of Corsican aerobics and a model hissy fit.

A dog is man’s best friend, but for Jonathan, it may be willing to make an exception.

It takes a strong person to drink foot-stomped grape juice. It takes a stronger person to drink it and say “merci (thank you)” for it.

If it was good news that they are still in the race, why wasn’t Aaron happier?