Fashion Reports

Fashion Report — Episode 6

In episode six, the racers, defying all logic, gave us twice the fashion flubbage in only half the leg.

Riding a belated ho-ho-holiday wave of cheer, Santa Slick has made his list (and checked it twice):
I will leave a lump of coal in each of his white calf socks as a lesson.
Gus. Naughty. Our first and most frequently shirtless racer struck again (and that’s strike three). And he wore socks with sandals. I will leave a lump of coal in each of his white calf socks as a lesson.

Hera. Naughty. Sky blue do-rag in two consecutive legs. Recycled coal for her.

Adam. Naughty. Who the Hell was playing a concert in Eger, and why the Hell did Adam have a backstage pass? What was that laminate doing around his neck? Two lumps of coal for him. One for each horn.

Lori. Naughty. Ripped, mesh shirt. It was as if someone had gone fishing and caught two implants. Two silicone-enhanced lumps of coal for her.

Bolo. Naughty. Bright orange sleeveless shirt. Jeans. Jolly Roger cap with greasy hair spilling out in back (which, with the hoop earrings, completed the pirate ensemble). Treasure map to lump of coal for him.

Kendra. Naughty. Purple do-rag. Purple jacket. Purple tank. Purple lump of coal.

Freddy. Naughty. Overly patriotic do-rag (especially naughty when worn in a foreign land). You’re a grand old flag; you’re a Freddy do-rag. I have a special lump of coal in the shape of a bald eagle’s head for him.

Jonathan. Naughty. Tommy Hilfiger jacket (so mid-90s gangsta) with sleeves at least five inches too long. A vial of little coal lumps for him.

Victoria. Naughty. Did she steal that colorful bruise from Kendra, princess of purple? No matter where it came from (and for the record, it didn’t look like finger bruises to me), sleeves would have hidden it nicely. A lump of coal for her, it will match her black and blue color scheme.
I can’t decide whether to leave him a lump of Valium-coal or new-girlfriend-coal.
Aaron. Naughty. Big bandages are never a good accessory. And blood stains can be tough to get out while on the road. A calm demeanor is a must in maintaining the overall look. I can’t decide whether to leave him a lump of Valium-coal or new-girlfriend-coal.

Kris. Nice. She dazzled me with the green jacket and green knit cap. Hip and functional. Good color for her. I leave her a lump of emerald to be set into a pendant that will dangle just above her smokin’ cleavage at next year’s Emmys. And a “Hers” private jet (with pilot and masseur) to fly her to Arizona whenever she so desires.

Jon. Nice. I wasn’t sold on the board shorts until he surfed on the car—TOO COOL! It all goes to show that he had a plan and dressed for it. Either that or he got splashed with gasoline. I’ll leave him some zinc oxide and a new custom-built surfboard. And a “His” private jet (with pilot and skydiving instructor) to fly him to California whenever he so desires.

Rebecca. Nice. She’s got a great body and great hair, and she showed them off well yet again. The navy leggings with cream Nike fleece pullover were hot. For her, I leave a beard trimmer and her own home gym, complete with projection screen for the total spinning experience.

Hayden. Nice. I liked the fleece and light pants combo. I loved the wine tank with low-rise cargo pants (showing off a perfect midriff). For her, I leave the Best-Dressed award.

p.s. Worst Dressed: It’s the season to give and to share. All the naughty Racers get to claim this one.

1/2 (episode) = 1/2 (award)
Best Half-Outfit: Bolo. Impressive if it’s all-natural.
Worst Half-Outfit: Jonathan and Gus. They must have gone to the same tailor as the Emperor for their new Race clothes.

p.p.s. Special innovation award this week to Adam. He wore the clue pack like a messenger bag. It worked surprisingly well.