Amazing Race Rants

Amazing Race Rant — Episode 5

Last time I checked, ferries and taxi cabs don’t accept determination as legal tender.

“Will Don and Mary Jean be defeated by this obstacle, or will their determination enable them to beat the odds and stay in the race?” … Phil … unfortunately, determination will only go so far. Last time I checked, ferries and taxi cabs don’t accept determination as legal tender.

“Jon and I are running this race trying not to make alliances. We both have so much respect for each other and we believe in each other so much” … Kris … and given who we’re racing with, we’d prefer not to go down with their ships. Thanks anyway.

“We placed second three times in the race but I’m upset that Victoria and I can’t fundamentally pull it together and fight for the # 1 position” … Jonathan … Wow, Jonathan must really be wanting a cruise. In their defense they have managed to pull it together and fight … just amongst themselves, though.

“Too bad you ain’t got your light. Kinda help wouldn’t it? Yeah it would but I don’t know where it is so you gonna be a smart ass?” … Lori / Bolo … or “could I borrow yours please?” That might have worked as well, Bolo, or maybe even better than going down the whole smart ass road.

“Aaron and I both contribute differently on this race” … Hayden … and I guess her major contribution is having a different tank top for every occasion.

“Overall we’re doing well, and I love him and I wouldn’t want to be with anyone else on this race” … Hayden … it’s nice to see loyalty in a teammate … even though I don’t think the other teams have actually been breaking down the door trying to lure Hayden away.

“Our strategy has always been to play low-key in the beginning but we want to make alliances” … Kendra … “under the radar” racing, eh. Wow, if this was Survivor, they might just win. I wonder who they’ll vote out at the next Racers Council.

“I don’t feel that Rebecca and I are running this race yet. I feel like we’ve still been getting lucky here and there. We need a little more confidence” … Adam … and physical challenges where I don’t have to lift anything or do anything. That would be nice, too.

“We are strong. We can figure it out by ourselves. We don’t need to follow as much” … Rebecca / Adam … kind of tough to accomplish when so many teams are ahead of you, though.

“I’d love to get out of Africa. I can see why so many people escaped” … Rebecca … of course, there’s always that downside of being sold into slavery, too. That probably played a small part in their desire to escape.

“We will get the money. If we have to sing and dance, we will get the money” … Mary Jean … well, if Don had a big enough breakfast, they could probably earn some money fishing.

“I hope the others can realize the magnitude of the human experience that is incorporated in this race we run” … Gus … the magnitude of greed, egos, or stupidity, maybe. But the human experience … you’d get a lot of blank looks from that one.

“I’d love to be back in Paris and have a croissant” … Kendra … sounds nice but I’m guessing that’s not exactly the kind of challenge that would keep viewers pinned to their seats.

“I could not bring myself to go to someone with so much less than I and ask them for something” … Mary Jean … very noble, but keep in mind that you are flat broke. There aren’t many people on the island that are below broke.

“Travel agent. Do you know what that means? International travel agent” … Jonathan … Maybe I’m naïve here, but if someone understands “do you know what that means?”, is understanding “travel agent” that much more of a stretch?

“We don’t want to get on no discount flight. With goats and sheep” … Bolo … Not sure they’d be too happy being on the same flight with Bolo either, but it’s not a problem. The goats and sheep were running into too many passport problems at the airport and have decided to bus it instead.

“I just looked in the mirror. I look 40 years older than I did when we left” … Mary Jean … the good news is that for a 106 year old, she’s looking pretty good.

“This city is wretched and disgusting. They’re just breeding and breeding and there is poverty. I just can’t take it” … Kendra … perhaps what is slightly worse than telling a cabbie you have no money, is to insult his home and culture. But thanks again for all your help Mr. Cab Driver and I hope you have a pleasant drive home to your family.

“It’s always going to be that way, so get used to it. Blah Blah Blah. Just be quiet, mouth” … Kendra / Bolo … just an observation but I don’t think Bolo is too big on this whole alliance thing. Still he got Kendra to shut up, so kudos to him.

“You can’t talk to me that way. I can talk to you any way I want to” … Hayden / Bolo … and as a bonus, I may not use grammar that you would recognize, either.

“Just because you are 5’5 and on steroids” … Hayden … okay, on the odd chance that were true, is your best course of action to point that fact out to Bolo and try to pick a fight with him? Steroid rage isn’t just a clever name.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to say that you. And I’m not on steroids” … Bolo … Bolo apparently has just passed the off-camera urine test. Look for another round of tests in an upcoming Detour.

“It’s a big difference from the ghetto third world” … Kendra … I guess the plans to make Kendra a UN Goodwill ambassador are on hold until Africa can clean up that whole “ghetto third world” image it has.

“How do you say fast in German? Fahrvergnugen. Fahrvergnugen!!” … Rebecca … and with a sly smile, Rebecca gives Adam the German phrase for “Momma’s Boy.”

“Beautiful city. You got to have an appreciation for the people that make Mercedes” … Jonathan … and I suppose all those BMW people can just go to hell, then. Remember, though, that the beauty of any city is in its people … well at least the people that make cars, apparently.

“You guys following us? It’s not right you guys following us” … Jonathan to Adam/Rebecca … it’s not all that smart, either, but if you insist on following, do it at a distance. You could just listen for the yelling and know where they are.
One bottle of blue hair dye, a frontal lobotomy, and a future prison sentence coming right up.
“Jonathan, you are so smart. We want to do everything that you do” … Rebecca … okay. One bottle of blue hair dye, a frontal lobotomy, and a future prison sentence coming right up.

“You know where they knocked the Berlin Wall down. Yes, yes, I know what you mean” … Bolo to German lady … it was nice of Bolo to provide a little description on this minor event, just in case that Berlin resident missed the news the day when the wall was torn down.

“I still think everybody is ahead of us” … Mary Jean … sadly, this has been their team motto for quite some time now.

“We went from the depths of human degradation in Africa to the same thing in Europe. We as humans are capable of so much horror” … Gus … and wait till somebody uses the first Yield on Jonathan. Then the horror will be unleashed.

“Make your way to ‘Grout and Dishes’” … Aaron … as collectively the entire German nation cringes. Aaron is going to end up at some cheap restaurant instead of the church.

“Run the red lights. Run over people. You need the fast taxi, ja?” … Lori / Cab driver … well that, and we’re in a bit of a pedestrian crushing mood. Look for one in a tank top or with blue hair.

“How hard is it to make Bratwurst? We’re about to find out. Oh please, I’ve seen Lucy do it on I Love Lucy. If she can do it, I can do it” … Jonathan … with that kind of confidence, maybe if Jonathan is really good, Phil will put him in the big musical number at the end of the show.

“We’re doing the beers. That’s exactly what I wanted to do. Maybe we’ll get to drink some beers. Some beers. Da beers” … Aaron … it’s not going to be too hard to figure out who’s going to be the designated driver for this leg.

“I think we should make wiener schnitzels or whatever” … Rebecca … must have been tough remembering a word like Bratwurst, which you only read five seconds ago. Of course, Rebecca could be planning on whipping up a whole German meal for the Detour as well.

“What are steins of beer? Steins? I’m not sure” … Kendra / Freddy … and in one quick moment, Adam no longer holds the title of the “most sheltered life” racer.

“Is that part of the church?” … Mary Jean to a skyscraper … apparently this particular church took “getting closer to God” a little too literally. [Perhaps, but it is part of the church. - miri]

“Why do I feel so stupid? I feel we don’t have a clue where we’re going” … Mary Jean … might be a good idea that in order to get a clue, you actually have to “read” your clue.

“Actually I have always wanted to make sausage” … Don … with this and climbing Mt. Everest, all of Don’s life ambitions will have been met.

“You have my backpack just so you know. Oh, yours is so much lighter. Are you kidding me?” … Victoria … Either the mental magician has been secretly putting stuff in Victoria’s bag or his ego is so heavy, he has to pack light.

“Every time we have a head start you always sit there lazy” … Jonathan … lazy or she’s gradually building the distance between them in order to make a break for it.

“Jon leave me alone. I never promised to leave you alone, that’s why I married you” … Victoria / Jonathan … I’m sure love came a close second. It’s not exactly wedding vow material … “Do you take Jonathan in spite of the fact that he will be with you 24/7?” — but it must have been one hell of a marriage proposal.

“Why do you have to be a bitch?” … Bolo … and why do you think you’re not going to regret her answer. “Maybe, it’s not that I am a bitch, Bolo … it’s just that you seem to bring out the bitchiness in me.”
Adam stumbles on the #1 thing not to say in a Bratwurst factory, beating out the runner ups of “Push it through, hard” and “is that really 7 inches?”
“Is it hard?” … Adam to Bolo making Bratwurst … inadvertently, Adam stumbles on the #1 thing not to say in a Bratwurst factory, beating out the runner ups of “Push it through, hard” and “is that really 7 inches?”

“I don’t think you’re allowed to drink it, Daddy. Well, it was pretty good beer” … Hera / Gus … the rules of the detour are always a little cloudy when good beer is present.

“Here. Good beer” … Gus as he gives beer to a customer … and the key element that distinguishes a good stein of beer from a great one, is that the great ones haven’t already been gulped from.

“Go ahead. I’m getting my pack. Go ahead” … Gus … have a nice race, honey. I’ll be here with the camera crew if you need me.

“I sure would like to have had another one. Daddy, God. You’ve got a problem” … Gus / Hera … well, if you include a stubborn daughter, okay, you’ve got two problems. Maybe the other teams will get together for an intervention or something.

“I’d have liked it if we stayed a little longer. That was excellent beer. I would have liked it better if my Dad was listening to me” … Gus / Hera … and I would have liked it better if Jonathan got caught in a giant bratwurst press, but I don’t think any of our wishes are going to come true this day.

“I’m surprised Jonathan is not here because he’s the biggest wiener of them all” … Adam … Adam finally says what everyone else is thinking. Well done. Rebecca, make sure he gets an extra scoop of ice cream with his dessert tonight … if he eats his veggies that is.

“I was going 7 inches, 7 inches, and I thought my God 7 inches is really big” … Mary Jean … as visions of male enhancement ads flash through Don’s head.

“I said this was it. This was it and you said no. Why didn’t you get off? Because you’re the guy” … Lori / Bolo … this is a bit of a change of heart. Maybe she’s trying to boost his confidence before the inevitable raw bratwurst meat botulism pains kick in.

“If they can do it (race down the mountain) in 37 seconds or less, a competitive time on the German soap box derby circuit, they’ll receive their next clue” … Phil … and hopefully get a chance to congratulate their pit crew of 10 years olds and spray the crowds with soda pop.

“When I was kid, I raced go-carts and race cars, and I own a Ferrari” … Jonathan … all of which adequately prepares you to operate a vehicle with no engine, held together with some nails and Elmer’s glue.

“The silver one. Take the best looking one” … Jonathan on the Mercedes … if we’re going to get hopelessly lost, let’s look good doing it.

“This is a big step up” … Kendra on the Mercedes … yeah, you’d be surprised how wide the range of vehicles is between a Mercedes and a soap box racer

“Rebecca, good luck and don’t kill yourself” … Adam … but if you lose control and run me down, I’m sure the viewers will understand it was an accident.

“If another team beats us, Victoria, I’m going to lose it. Then lose it, Jon. I’m going to lose it on you because you can’t get it right on the ground” … Jonathan / Victoria … but I guess her airplane navigation is dead on. They haven’t missed an airport yet.

“I can’t reach the pedals. Get out, get out. You never help me with anything” … Victoria / Jonathan … well I’ll admit Jonathan isn’t very helpful, but you know, most cars these days have a fancy option that allows drivers to adjust their own seats.

“My bag is so much heavier than yours. Then leave it here. No, they’re going to take it!!!!” … Victoria / Jonathan … street crime being so rampant in Berlin that random pedestrians are consumed by the desire to steal strangers’ backpacks with camera crews all around them

“It was my bag. I should have been able to do that” … Jonathan on leaving his bag … of course, the counter point would be that it is your bag, you should have been able to carry it.

“Jonathan, I think you should go talk to Victoria” … Phil … she’s standing right over with those two policemen staring at you.

“This is a race. This isn’t about compassion” … Jonathan … apparently it’s not about working together and getting along, either. Hopefully she’ll remember to forget about compassion when he volunteers for the next dangerous challenge.

“Do you dare go any faster? I love when you drive like a madman” … Mary Jean … careful Don. She’s the one who just crashed her derby racer into the hay. Crashing a Mercedes is not a good option.


Is there any irony to being trapped with no money on a former prisoner’s island?

Poor Bolo. He spends 12 hours in a pitstop, only has one backpack and still ends up not being able to find his flashlight. He should stick to daylight racing only.

Would it have been more appropriate to have ended a leg at the “Gate of No Return” rather than starting it there?

If Bolo doesn’t make it in wrestling, he could work as a professional cafeteria line monitor. His passion for “No cutting in line” would make him perfect for that job.

Important travel tip — if you need to go anywhere in Berlin, take the S-Bahn. It apparently goes everywhere.

Somehow Phil’s “Broken chain” statue sounded a little better than the teams’ “Busted chain” statue.

The Berlin Wall sure ain’t what it used to if Freddy and Kendra can crawl under it without so much as a daschund barking.

If the cab driver has to put his glasses on to go faster, just how safe were you at the slower speeds?
You’ll give me a free full beer for my coaster? Man, I love this country.
You’ll give me a free full beer for my coaster? Man, I love this country.

I’m surprised the Broken Chain statue clue didn’t include the extra reference that it can be found about two blocks south of the silver aluminum foil guy having a smoke.

Important reality tip — just because Lucy Ricardo can do something on TV doesn’t mean you can do it, too. George Clooney saved lives on TV but I don’t think I’m quite ready to fire up the defibrillator and give it a go.

What are the odds that at least half of the teams finished in exactly 35 seconds?

Just how competitive is the German soap box derby circuit if eight amateurs clocked in with a “competitive” time?

Does the fact that there actually is a German soap box derby circuit confirm your beliefs that it really is a pretty strange world out there?

Pretty young women in native country costumes help Phil welcome racers everywhere else. You get to Berlin and they drag in some guy who looks like he got beat up over at the Brauhaus.

Maybe someone should have told Mary Jean that to slow down a derby racer, you can crash it into the hay bundles, but a more traditional way is to use the brakes.

After his outburst, there are plans to rebuild the Berlin wall entirely around Jonathan

Who would have thought that teams race around the world in order for a chance to win a free vacation somewhere after the race?

Either Hayden and Aaron’s camera guy is really short or he has trouble pointing it above her chest.