Fashion Reports

Fashion Report — Episode 4

Hooray for sun and beaches and flesh!
Big Slick: From shorts and short-shorts to skank tops (TM miri) to the seasonís first topless Racer, episode four served up some serious skin. Hooray for sun and beaches and flesh!

Giuseppe: Yes! Typically, itís the cool climates that allow us to get a real feel for a racerís sense of style, but the warm climates are so much more fun for us to look at. I think the editors have fun with it, too.

Big Slick: No shit. They gave us cleave-o-rama at the Roadblock! I have to agree with Jon; his girlfriend is freaking hot. If I preface this with the disclaimer that Iím gay, can I get away with saying that chica has one smokiní rack? Her black tankini top was a highlight of the episode.

Giuseppe: Yeah it was! Kris is sooo cute.

Big Slick: Kris and Jon have to be one of the best-looking teams of all time. Kris won best arms (female) last week, but we didnít see Jon without sleeves until episode four. And, damn were those some arms. Jon would have been a shoo-in for best arms (male), which was awarded to Adam, had he sported that sleeveless tee in ep three. I normally hate shirts without sleeves on guys, but Jonís arms gave me second thoughts about that prejudice.

Hayden, whose cleavage has been the most prominently featured of the season, did all right for herself in that yellow tank top, which happened to showcase her nipples. And Victoria and Mary Jean both worked the sleeveless angle well, even though itís often difficult for older women to pull that look off.

Giuseppe, I know youíre a big fan of the male leg. What did you think about Mr. Adam?

Giuseppe: Simply put? Yum. Itís not often that we get a glimpse of the male racersí legs above the knee, so it was a treat to see Adam wading through the water with his shorts hiked up. He has fantastically muscled quads . . . the kind that dreams are made of. If I can tear him away from Mommy and Daddy, Iím bringing him down here to teach me how to do squats.

Big Slick: Something tells me you might not really need those lessons . . . dirty! Yes, Adam is a good role model for all the muscle boys out there (too many of whom pump their upper bodies and ignore their legs). Itís all about proportion. A little tough love, though, for this kidóman-pris worn over cut-off windpants? Bad. Bad Adam. Shame on you.

Giuseppe: The man-pris are definitely going in the burn pile. Seriously, Adam.

Big Slick: And shame on you, Bolo, for rolling up the sleeves of your red t-shirt. Why?

Giuseppe: Well, they were likely to rip apart from those bulging biceps, anyway.

Big Slick: Bolo mad! Bolo smash! Shame on you, Jonathan. You all know why.

Giuseppe: We could write a book.
Shame on you, Kendra, for the ugly red top with the white stripe down the middle . . . and also for that ugly attitude.
Big Slick: Shame on you, Kendra, for the ugly red top with the white stripe down the middle . . . and also for that ugly attitude. There is nothing that makes a person look less attractive than an unattractive personality. Well, and jacked teeth. Messed-up teeth make me sad.

Giuseppe: Well, stay away from London. Kidding! (Please donít send angry e-mails.) Anyway, yeah, Kendraís attitude was certainly unflattering. Contrast that with Kris and Jon or Don and MJ, both of whom found reasons to enjoy and enlighten themselves to the unfamiliar surroundings.

Big Slick: And shame on you, Gus, for losing your shirt. Iím scarred for life. People! There are many reasons we wear clothes. And one of those reasons is that most of us just plain donít look good naked. Leave the shirtless to the actor-model-hyphens of the Race. Please?

Giuseppe: Are you listening, Freddy and Aaron? Gus has had his shirt off at least twice now. You guys need to raise the bar. There are only so many times one can pour bleach in oneís eyes.

Big Slick: Well, all the boys except Don donned shorts. But Don was wearing shorts at the Stockholm Pit Stop at the beginning of the episode. Maybe itís the confusion that comes with age. This week, itís best shorts as well as best and worst dressed!

Best shorts: Adam. He really wins for his legs. The shorts werenít all that. But itís a good opportunity for a reminder to all you men with chicken legs . . . keep that mess to yourselves. Donít inflict that upon the world (just as, hopefully, the world wonít inflict a shirtless Gus on you).

Giuseppe: I guess Iíll declare a tie between Aaron and Freddy for shorts. Both wore plain khakis, which are not only extremely functional race-wear, but also almost never a wrong choice. They go with just about anything.

Big Slick: Worst shorts: Lori. Ultra-short (but not Daisy Duke) cutoffs. Lori needs to branch out from denim into some lighter-weight, more breathable, faster-drying fabrics. What was she thinking when she packed for this Race?

Giuseppe: More proof that they were cleaning house when the race came a-calling. Of course, maybe the rest of her and Boloís wardrobe consists of nothing but spandex and wrestling belts. And speaking of Bolo, my worst shorts award is given to him. Again with the basketball shorts. Maybe itís just me, but I have an unnatural hatred for those things. The only thing theyíre good for is a day at the gym.

Big Slick: Best Dressed (Non-Racer) : The greeter at Líile de Gorťe. She was covered and still looked cool (both temperature- and fashion-wise). Loose fit and light colors and light-weight fabrics are the keys to dressing for heat. And I really dug the flared sleeves.
Admiring the local garb is one of the aspects of TAR that I always look forward to. The greeter looked beautiful and Iíll give this award to her as well.
Giuseppe: Admiring the local garb is one of the aspects of TAR that I always look forward to. The greeter looked beautiful and Iíll give this award to her as well.

Big Slick: Best Dressed (Racer): Hera. I liked the bright colors. I wasnít sold on the pink top and blue shorts until they got wet. But, after the detour, the colors of her wet clothes really popped. Bright pink and blueóperfect for the beach and the bright sun. And quite nice with her skin-tones (somebody as pale as Adam wouldnít be able to pull those off).

Giuseppe: I gotta say Kris. The light-pink top looked great on her. Honestly, everything looks great on her. I may have to rethink this whole gay thing.

Big Slick: Worst Dressed (Non-Racer): Jonathan and Victoriaís Senegalese guide. It looked like a comic book exploded on him. Unacceptable.

Giuseppe: Maybe the top would have been okay by itself, but with those powdery blue pants, it was too much clash.

Big Slick: Worst Dressed (Racer): Jonathan. Blue camo pants are bad enough on their own. A tight, shiny, baby-blue shirt and blue camo pants are a crime. The Raceís official fashion felon, however, went the extra mile and added . . . that hat . . . to an already heinous ensemble. Can you address the hat, Giuseppe? I would prefer not to think about it.

Giuseppe: I spoke of it briefly in my racer report, and Iím not sure I dare approach the subject again. I just say we throw it in the burn pile along with Adamís man-prisó

Big Slick: And Kendra. I mean, Kendraís attitude.

Giuseppe: And Boloís shorts.

Big Slick: And Philís green pullover.

Giuseppe: Letís get it together, men . . . er, boys.

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