Amazing Race Rants

Amazing Race Rant – Episode 4

“This is Stockholm. The capital of Sweden and one of the most beautiful cities in Scandinavia” … Phil … other Scandinavian cities might be nice as well but without giant floating hands in the river, they just can’t compete.

“Will front runners Hayden and Aaron and Kris and Jon continue to outwit and outpace the other teams?” … Phil …their last two tasks were building IKEA furniture and getting lucky in a haystack. Outwit might be a bit of stretch here.

“Hera and I have gotten into a stride. If you’re gonna lead, lead. If you’re not, don’t bother the other one” … Gus … Of course, the strategy trips up if they both lead or both follow, but it’s a strategy-in-progress.

“All of our problems have been with each other, not the race” … Jonathan … translating to “I’ve been doing all the screaming and she’s starting to tune me out.”

“It gets to the point where we want to kill each other, and then we’re okay, and then we want to kill each other” … Victoria … we’re okay when we’re sleeping but as soon as we start talking to each other, that old urge to kill rises up again.

“When I met Adam, he didn’t even cut his own toenails, believe it or not. His mother did” … Rebecca … I’m guessing after Adam started cutting his own hair, Mom didn’t want to take any chances with the other body parts.

“I was like, if you’re going to be my boyfriend, you’re going to have to cut your own toenails” … Rebecca … and if that’s a key requirement in a boyfriend, perhaps you’ve lowered your standards just a wee bit too much.
Still, winning a million dollars could buy Adam a cool new bunk bed, some Hot wheels, and a flashlight for reading comics under the covers.
“I’m definitely a baby. I do live at home with my Mommy and Daddy” … Adam … the show is starting to roam too far into the land of Jerry Springer. Still, winning a million dollars could buy Adam a cool new bunk bed, some Hot wheels, and a flashlight for reading comics under the covers.

“We say that he’s beer and dirt and I’m champagne and flowers” … Kendra … and together they make a beautiful garden … or a really crappy cocktail.

“No other teams are here so far, which is bizarre. Maybe they went to have breakfast?” … Rebecca … million dollars or not, it’s still the most important meal of the day.

“Don’t you think it’s odd that they’re not here? Anything could have happened” … Adam/Rebecca … anything? It’s a two mile walk from the pit stop. I think we would have heard about the mass kidnapping or alien abductions.

“Wooo. We’re going to Africa” … Rebecca … I guess it’s possible that Africa is going “Wooo. Racers are coming” but it’s not very likely.

“The train is faster to the airport, isn’t it? Yes” … Kendra / cab driver … finally an honest cab driver. Of course, it’s easier to be honest once you are already half way to the airport, but still, it’s the principle that counts.

“It’s okay. It’s not okay. We don’t have any money” … Freddy/Kendra … Kendra obviously not realizing this is not the kind of statement you want to broadcast with your cab driver two feet away.

“We can relax and not have to deal with the train. So I can sleep outside or on some dirty floor that’s disgusting!” … Freddy/Kendra … well I guess that Freddy’s “relaxing in the cab” plan has quickly gone to hell.

“Bolo’s lips disappear when he gets angry” … Rebecca … and when he catches you making that face, he will return the favour and make your face disappear.

“Our time on the race has brought us closer together because we’re not arguing as much” … Bolo … if this counts as “not as much,” they must have a pretty loud home life. A wrestling ring might be standard living room furniture for them.

“We’re not being: I’m better than you are or you’re better than me are because we’re both so strong headed” … Bolo … apparently the strong headedness applies to creative grammar as well.

“Drive fast … Pow pow” … Bolo to cab driver … even if the cab driver didn’t speak English, someone the size of Bolo going “pow pow” is universal for “get your ass in gear and move now.”

“We got all this time on our hands because we got here so early. We have to wait till 10 o’clock” … Jon … and at least once they get eliminated, they’ll probably have plenty of time on their hands for sightseeing.

“Let’s go. Let’s go. I cannot go on this red” … Jonathan / cab driver … Excuses, excuses. Why must the cab drivers and driving laws keep conspiring against Jonathan?

“We’ve been practicing stairs. Thank God” … Don … there probably wasn’t enough training time to get all the counting and hay rolling practice done as well.
Maybe they aren’t stupid idiots, but they just do stupid and idiotic things.
“We are so stupid / We are such idiots” … Hayden / Kris … they have to remain positive for their teams. Maybe they aren’t stupid idiots, but they just do stupid and idiotic things.


“We want to go from here to Dakar, Africa” … Jonathan … I’m not sure which is more helpful … naming a city without a country, or indicating that you would in fact be leaving from here. The “leaving from a different airport” group is in a whole other line.

“We’re the only ones on this flight, hopefully putting the fear into everybody else thinking that we’ve taken a different flight” … Jonathan … yeah, showing up fifth at the airport has them quaking in their boots. They’re probably showing their fear of you on a different flight by celebrating.

“Obviously we when we get to Paris, we’ll hook up with everybody else” … Jonathan … the mental master at work again. Why follow a simple route when there are complications that can be added?

“We’ve got to talk to a ticket person” … Mary Jean … a good first step. That’s a plan worthy of Jonathan. I hope this isn’t the best example they’ve got on how they’re going to race smarter than the other teams.

“We gotta go to the cemetery. Do you know where we’re going? No” … Jon / Kris … hmmm, driving around Dakar at night looking for cemeteries. Who says kids these days don’t know how to have fun?

“We’re looking for a cemetery” … Don … at his age, Don should be careful asking about cemeteries. People might suggest a hospital as a better first step rather than jumping straight to the graveyard.

“Black poet. He died. In the cemetery” … Bolo … pretty convenient. I guess that would save a bit on all the travel costs.

“Dead … dead … sleep … ack” … Jonathan … well, he’ll either get directions to the cemetery or he’s just successfully put out a hit on someone. Bolo will soon sleep with the fishes.

“Oompo. Get me someone who can speak me English. Oompo oompo.” … cab driver / Jonathan … Jonathan unable to understand the Senegalese phrase for “hey, check out the blue haired dude.”

“You’re sure you know where it is? You don’t look like you know where it is” … Rebecca … no, that confused look comes from staring at your boyfriend’s hair. It inspires blank and dazed looks from many a cab driver.

“So far Africa sucks. Dakar is the worst, most nightmarish place I have ever been in my life” … Adam … it’s way worse than detention or my old scary treehouse.

“Vite, vite … Beep, beep. No, not beep, beep Jon. It’s not the word” … Victoria / Jonathan … Jonathan, in a state of language panic, is obviously fearing that the Wile E. Coyote is right on their tail.

“My God. That’s another team.” … Mary Jean stuck with a flat … you know if you’ve got a flat tire in Dakar after dark, teams passing you might not be topping my worry list.

“Once again the fickle finger of fate has diddled us” … Don … a bit of a risky line for CBS, but it does have more of a poetic ring than “it sucks.”

“I don’t know where we’re going. He could be taking us off into the depths of the earth as far as I know.” … Hera … and aside from being horribly lost, just imagine the cab fare.

“Stop it. I’m not going to lose because you get fearful of where we are” … Jonathan … I will find my own ways of losing, thank you very much.

“I know (it’s crazy) but I really love it, though. We’re so far removed from our culture. It’s enlightening” … Kris … she has a very strong spiritual side to her … plus those extra strong valiums she took on the plane aren’t hurting, either.

“Where is the grave? Ou est le grave?” … Victoria … when in doubt, mixing together two languages always gets your point across better.

“I don’t think you understand. We didn’t want to fill up the tires with air” … Freddy … no problem, sir. I forgot to ask … Will that be one flat tire for your ride tonight or two?
I guess Kendra believes they made a wrong turn at Shantytown, and should have passed through Slumville long ago.
“I feel very unsafe. We’re in the middle of Ghetto, Africa” … Kendra … always the best way to get the locals on your side is to call their home a ghetto. I guess Kendra believes they made a wrong turn at Shantytown, and should have passed through Slumville long ago.

“We’re trying to find the cemetery where this author resides right now” … Jon … the deceased apparently enjoys wintering in the Caribbean but spends the rest of the year in Dakar.

“You from Africa. Me from America. Hello” … Jonathan to Ejai … You simple talker. Me wasting my time. Good-bye.

“This is creepy. I don’t want to walk across it. Can I run across it? Eeeew” … Kendra … perhaps she’s watched one too many zombie movies, but it is common knowledge that the dead do appreciate the short sprints across their graves more than the leisurely strolls.

“See how much of an ass you’re making of yourself? That’s the attitude I’m talking about right there” … Bolo … and that’s the attitude that is going to make Bolo wish they threw him in prison. It would be safer.

“I’m feeling like the fish” … Mary Jean on the Detour choice … Mary Jean is either indecisive about the challenge, or has just made her selection from the lunch menu.

“I started handing out candy to all the children. They have a great heart and they’re innocent and it was a great experience” … Jonathan … so Victoria doesn’t hustle fast enough but he takes time out to be the blue haired candyman? Time for a quick fish to the head.

“Jonathan wants kids so bad and I think he’d make a great father” … Victoria … it’s only being a husband and racing partner that he is kind of crappy at.

“I’d love to have a baby. We’ve already picked out the names” … Jonathan … it’s either Jonathan Jr. if it’s a boy, or “Shut up, Victoria” if it’s a girl.

“You’ve made more in one day than you make in a whole year” … Kendra … a hidden racing talent of Kendra’s is knowing the annual income of Senegalese taxi drivers.

“That was hell. I know it was hell” … Freddy/Kendra … it’s a rather obscure section of hell reserved only for tightwad fish stackers who stiff cabbies out of 10 bucks.

“Anyway, here we are and Don’s seasick, but I’m not supposed to talk about” … Mary Jean … I know they have an open relationship but really, why would you want to talk about it? It’s a definite conversational dead-end topic. Still sick. Yup. Still sick. Yup.

“I don’t feel well at all, but I’m trying to keep my head in the game as much as possible” … Hera … head in the game is important. If she can keep her lunch in the game, well that would be a bonus.

“Oh, what if this isn’t sanitary?” … Kendra on Lac Rose … well, sticking your bare feet into the mix probably isn’t helping any. I’m sure the salt miners are still working on getting those nice charcoal water filters that all the fancy salt mine lakes have these days.

“Why is this water red? The first thing that came into my mind was maybe it was blood” … Kendra … undoubtedly from all the injured whales that swim into the lake or possibly from the natural underground blood springs.

“Use the bucket to bring back the salt. You’ve got to get wet, Hayden” … Aaron … actually the clue said nothing about Hayden getting wet, so I’m guessing a wet T-shirted Hayden is a desperate ploy for more air time.

“You want to do it? It just looks like a manual labour thing” … Rebecca … you mean lifting and walking at the same time? Well, that leaves Adam out.

“What do I do with this?” … Adam on the basket … try as they might, the producers have still made manual labour a little too complicated for Adam.

“Damn, she’s hot. Kris is doing great and she looks even better doing it” … Jon … he’s enjoying this roadblock a little too much. If anyone needs Jon, he’ll just be behind this salt dune for a few minutes.

“Honey, what’s the problem? Rebecca, I can’t see. Shut up” … Rebecca / Adam … okay, good safety tip. If you can’t see, maybe someone calling to you from shore isn’t such a bad thing. Quiet, Rebecca. I need to blindly stumble out to sea now.

“Every time Don threw up I caught fish” … Mary Jean … given the choice between being eaten and swimming through Don’s lunch, I can’t blame the fish for choosing the hook.

“Good job, man. That is friggin ass kickin’” … Bolo … I’m sure Lori would have appreciated the “wo” in front of the “man,” but I guess it just doesn’t work as well with “friggin ass kickin’.”
Aaron, this might be one of those times when the truth wasn’t really the answer she’s looking for.
“How did Kris beat me? She kicked your butt” … Hayden / Aaron … Aaron, this might be one of those times when the truth wasn’t really the answer she’s looking for.

“I’m physically weak, apparently” … Adam … up to this point, I was happy just going with mentally weak, but why not make it a full package?

“If you’d stop being a wussy-boy then maybe no one would say that” … Rebecca … they’d probably stop beating him up for his lunch money, too. Darn bullies.

“We got the Mac Daddy driver. He’s got the stogie hanging on and the cell phone” … Jon … and obviously passenger safety is his #1 concern. After the big accident, he could call for help and offer a smoke to Kris and Jon, too.

“You can’t take any salt off the boats. Huh? You can’t take any salt off the boats. What’d you say?” … Hera/Gus while shoveling off the boats … Gus trying to bypass the rules a bit with the “if I didn’t hear you say it, it’s not illegal” strategy.

“I feel really badly about her having to do this” … Don … but that bad feeling is just shy of me doing it myself.

“You’re just so unsupportive right now” … Adam … yeah, Rebecca. Say something supportive so I can tell you to shut up again.

“Do you think I’m faking? Do you think I’m faking? I don’t have time to babysit my girlfriend anymore” … Adam/Rebecca … after that one, they probably edited out the segment with Adam going into the fetal position with his blankie.

“Do you want me to jump out of the boat? That’d be awesome” … Adam/Rebecca … nah, the water would break his fall. You need to get him mad on a bridge or mountain or something.

“Excuse me. Have you guys seen a flag anywhere?” … Kris … with no flagpoles, government buildings, or hotels on the island, flags apparently are quite a rare site.

“If Don and MJ make the ferry, then it’ll be a foot race there and I don’t know if we can win the foot race” … Hera … okay, if you think you can’t beat Don and Mary Jean in a foot race, I hope your plan for winning the whole race includes having a 10-mile lead going into the finish line.

“Today was a good day” … Don … went fishing and lost 10 pounds. A definite win-win overall.


Observations


I wonder which Stockholm travel guide suggested talking to random people on the street at 3am to find out what time government buildings open up.

Why pay for a hotel room again when you can sleep on the Sheraton couches for free?
Before seeing Jonathan’s hat, I had no idea that he and Huggy Bear from Starsky and Hutch shopped at the same stores.
Before seeing Jonathan’s hat, I had no idea that he and Huggy Bear from Starsky and Hutch shopped at the same stores.

What’s the point of lining up early to get a clue when there is so much aimless wandering that could be done?

You see 16 people madly charging out of the airport and it doesn’t cause a panic. Dakar is either one laid back country or running from the airport is an everyday thing.

Just because someone can repeat your name and say yes, doesn’t guarantee that he knows what you are talking about.

All Mr. Senghor asked for was to have a simple tombstone in a quiet cemetery and if possible, have it double as a clue box if the Amazing Race comes to town.

Nice to see that Don got to have an Incredible Hulk moment and lift up a car. Bet ya Bolo was jealous of that.

If more international cab drivers watched the Amazing Race, would there be a class action lawsuit to recover their lost fares?

Even if the teams don’t get a cruise or vacation, at least they got a free book of poetry from the race.

Not that there aren’t consequences to stiffing a cab driver but I don’t think Senegal could spare the SWAT team necessary to take Bolo and Lori to jail

Important safety tip. Unless you want a closer look at the ground, don’t stand and read in front of the clue box if you hear Lori yelling “there’s the box !”.

Who would have thought that the race for elimination might have been decided by who had the biggest breakfast to heave up?

Did the producers wake up one morning and say … “You know. We need more breast shots in the Amazing Race”?

Nice to see Kris could double up her roadblock with the “Girls of the Amazing Race” Maxim photo shoot.

Speaking for myself, after seeing a shirtless Gus in the cab, I am cutting salt completely out of my diet.

It was sweet that Don and Mary Jean kissed at the end. I’m only hoping she insisted on him taking a breath mint before. Love only goes so far.

I can handle almost anyone else on the race swearing, but hearing Mary Jean say “son of a bitch” just shocked me. The sweet grandma image is gone forever now.