Fashion Reports

Fashion Report — Episode Three

Big Slick: Welcome back, Giuseppe. In the Fash Report, as in the Race, itís always better to have a partner in crime.
I tell you, never tussle with a turkey. Those suckers are mean!
Guiseppe: Thank you! Iím glad to be back. I tell you, never tussle with a turkey. Those suckers are mean! But letís get to the report. So what were your observations this week, Big Slick?

Big Slick: Headlamp-o-rama! I saw a lot of headlamps in episode three. Fully half of the racers wore them. The juryís still out on these gizmos for me. Whatís your take, Giuseppe?

Guiseppe: Eh. I donít hate íem. I donít love íem, either. They are a necessary accessory on the Race, however, and, if you can find a way to wear them without looking like a goofball (not possible, by the way), then more power to ya. Of course, labels often help. Any chance Diesel makes a headlamp for the stylish explorer?

Big Slick: If Race history is any indication, no one would notice that label.

Another trend I noticed on the Racers this week was low-rise pants. Rebecca and Hayden really worked theirs . . . nice midriffs, ladies! Lenaís pants exposed her underwear and, sadly, said underwear was not a provocative and brightly colored thong.
Even sadder is the fact that we most likely wonít see Freddy, Jon, or Aaron in a provocative and brightly colored thong anytime soon. Oh, well.
Guiseppe: Even sadder is the fact that we most likely wonít see Freddy, Jon, or Aaron in a provocative and brightly colored thong anytime soon. Oh, well.

Big Slick: Speaking of eye candy, we should probably comment on Phil. After giving him the best-dressed award for episode two, I was more than a little shocked.

Guiseppe: Oh, the poor dear. We all love Phil, but his outfit at the beginning of the episode was . . . unfortunate. He either needs to hit the bench press a little harder or buy some shirts that wonít emphasize the man-boobage so much. And the fit of his pants made his hips look ultra-wide. I hate to say it, but . . . he looked like a pear.

Big Slick: He definitely looked hippy, but I blame that and the chest thing on the shirt. It hung weirdly and was a bad color. He clearly doesnít have the body that that shirt would have had us believe.

The most important thing we can learn from this episode, though, is how to dress (and how not to dress) as you perform a task. When the attire is decided upon by your producer/employer/host (this goes for theme and costume parties as well), it is important to work the uniform to your best advantage.

Guiseppe: Agreed. Providing said uniform fits you relatively well. Otherwise, thereís not much you can do. Sometimes the outfits are a bit out there, though.

Big Slick: I suspect you wouldnít wear a parka into a bar, Giuseppe.

Guiseppe: Uh, no, probably not.

Big Slick: And I know I wouldnít. But, if I couldnít get into the bar without it, and there were a million dollars and/or free alcohol on the other side of the velvet rope, you can bet your frozen implants that I would wear that parka on my own terms.

I understand that there werenít full-length mirrors in the Ice Bar, but the Racers needed to make use of their secret weapons: their teammates. Racers who ran blindly into this task with no regard for their looks in a parka included:

Aaron, who laced himself right up to his chin. Exhibit B that heís a NERD (exhibit A was last weekís wearing of a headlamp at an unnecessary point . . . a sad trend that continued this week).

Jon, who also laced himself too tightly. Jon, youíre my favorite TAR6 Racer, donít disappoint meóIíve been known to 180 on people for far less.

Mary Jean, whose parka stuck out at her shoulders like a suit jacket out of ďWorking Girls.Ē

Racers who worked the parkas:

Rebecca. She did it the best. She left the parka loose. And she let her gorgeous hair down, allowing it to cascade beautifully over the faux fur. Hot.

Jonathan. Left his parka open and looked, gulp, good.

Kristy left hers open and held it together. This might be difficult to maintain for a whole evening, but it was ok for a brief task (and quite attractive).

Guiseppe: Yeah, I agree with your list for the most part. But overall, I thought everybody looked pretty goofy in those parkas. They looked like they were wearing a teepee over their heads.

Big Slick: Yeah, I wouldnít take someone to the Ice Bar on a first date. Unless he were an Eskimo. Is that p.c.?
When cycling is required for a task, one thing to remember when you don your helmet is to remove your visor. Otherwise, you will look like a duck.
When cycling is required for a task, one thing to remember when you don your helmet is to remove your visor. Otherwise, you will look like a duck.

Guiseppe: Itís also advisable to wear shorts. We all know how pants legs can get caught up in those pesky chains, right Zach? Iím so glad Aaron followed this advice on the tandem bike. Hello, Aaronís legs! So nice to meet you! Do letís be friends!

Big Slick: Layering is key when dressing for the Race and its unpredictable tasks. You never know when youíll find yourself going from a 20-degree bar to a poorly air-conditioned warehouse store. Freddy was ready with his convertible pants, and we saw many wise Racers shed their outerwear and go sleeveless.

Guiseppe: Absolutely. And I adored Freddyís royal blue half-zip pullover thatís perfect for slipping off and on as needed.

Big Slick: Itís a great pullover. And the lighter blue on top emphasizes and broadens his shoulders. Jon wore a similar pullover in grey and black in episode two (but his had a hipper collar).

Because so many Racers went sleeveless, we got to see lots of arms. Some were hot, some were not. When your wardrobe accentuates a certain body part, that body part becomes part of your overall fashion statement. So, in addition to the traditional best- and worst-dressed awards, we will declare the best and worst arms for episode three.
Adamís arms and shoulders are pumped, and his skin is gorgeous and milky. If only I could give him a retroactive haircut.
Best Arms (male): Adam. Boloís are the biggest, but they are scary and bulgy and veiny and angry. Aaron probably would have taken this prize, but he loses for a very ill-advised Superman tatt on his right shoulder. (Did somebody say nerd?). Adamís arms and shoulders are pumped, and his skin is gorgeous and milky. If only I could give him a retroactive haircut.

Guiseppe: Argh, itís hard to choose. Adam does have wonderfully built biceps, but Aaron also has the lean, taut look that I like so much, and since heís my TAR crush right now, I have to give the award to him.

Best Arms (female): Kris. Her arms are toned and hot, and she has a cute mole on her shoulder for that extra dash of cool idiosyncrasy.

Worst Arms: Kristy. Bony. Yuck. I hope girl gets a sandwich in Sequesterville.

Guiseppe: Heh. Guess itís a good thing she didnít do the roadblock. Her arms might have snapped under the weight of the hay bales.

Worst Dressed: Gus. Love him to death, but the green t-shirt, especially as it became sweaty, was not a pretty sight. And paired withówhat were they?óblack jeans? Gus was not a style role-model this leg.
Well, I get the feeling that Gus is that guy you see on vacation wearing a bright floral shirt with khaki shorts hiked up to his nipples and brown loafers with black socks pulled up to the calf.
Guiseppe: Well, I get the feeling that Gus is that guy you see on vacation wearing a bright floral shirt with khaki shorts hiked up to his nipples and brown loafers with black socks pulled up to the calf. In other words, the manís never been anywhere near a GQ magazine. In other bad-attire news, Iím still not happy with Boloís basketball-style shorts and raggy shirt combos. Dave and Jeff adopted a similar style in TAR4, and many points were deducted accordingly.

Big Slick: Yeah. Bolo also sported another new head thing, this time in black. Maybe they all fit together to become a parachute or something.

Best Dressed: Rebecca. She proved that spinning pays off in her tight, black zip jacket and low-rise leggings. She went against conventional Race wisdom and let her locks fly. And she even looked stylish in a parka. Well done!

Guiseppe: I love Rebeccaís style. She may be the best-dressed racer this season. Sheís no Mirna, but, hey, who is? Overall, aside from a couple blunders, I think this season has the best-dressed crop of racers thus far. Everyone seems to be coordinated in one way or another, and they all look good. Letís keep it up, crew.



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