Amazing Race Rants

Amazing Race Rant – Episode 3


“This is Norway. A picturesque country who’s landscape remains relatively untouched by the modern world” … Phil … though not so much anymore as missing sunglasses and small pieces of Adam litter the countryside

“Will Adam and Rebecca’s turbulent relationship become an obstacle they cannot overcome?” … Phil … and more importantly can Adam overcome his biggest threat … the sun.

“Jonathan and I bicker right now because he has his own way of doing things. Sometimes that can cause friction but that’s one of the things I love about him the most because he’s never boring” … Victoria … but after a few more days of flinching and needing earplugs, boring might not seem so bad after all.

“I had a Swedish friend. You don’t think I’ve heard about it?” … Victoria on the ice bar … sure the famous ice bar. All the Nobel winners hang out there after the big ceremony.

“He’s definitely not in the best shape of his life but one thing I can say about him is he’s a die hard.” … Hera on her Dad … and he can drive a stick, so that at least puts him one up on Meredith and Maria

“The fact that I take care of Rebecca hasn’t come out much because she’s had to take care of me a lot because I’m scared of a lot of things” … Adam … with those things being a fear of heights, the sun, and of hairstylists.

“Adam is like a 5-year-old a lot of the time and I have to treat him as such” … Rebecca … good plan, but then again most 5-year-olds don’t get punished by having to drive the SUV to the train station.

“Am I his girlfriend? Am I his mother? Am I his babysitter? What role do I play?” … Rebecca … just an idea, but how about playing the role that gets him to do what you want him to. Or at the very least, the role that makes him get a haircut.

“The clue says we’re taking a bus to Stockholm, Sweden. Uuuugh” … Kristy / Lena … you’d think after a few days of milling around airports, a nice bus ride would be a good change of pace. It’s not like she’s dog sledding across the ice pack.

“We want to depend on others as little as possible during this leg” … Kristy … well, starting off in last seems to play into that strategy pretty well.

“C’mon let’s go. I don’t understand why you aren’t hustling here” … Jonathan … might have something to do with it being 4 a.m. at a deserted train station and Victoria not having her “sign reading hustle” quite down yet.
One Way till midnight … then anything goes.
“You can’t go this way. Why can’t we? Because there is a sign right there. I don’t care, it’s 3 in the morning.” … Bolo / Lori … I didn’t realize that “One-way” or “Do Not Enter” signs had a time limit on them. One Way till midnight … then anything goes.

“TURN AROUND. Don’t yell ! I’m sorry.” … Bolo / Lori … Bolo’s wrestling opponents discover his one weakness. Talk to him in a stern voice and he collapses.

“If they miss (the target) with the shot glass, they’ll have to go to the end of the line” … Phil … might have been polite to have them clean up the mess, too.

“Teams must now travel nine miles to the world’s largest IKEA store. Once there, they must search the store to find their next clue” … Phil … endlessly searching the store to find something … so they are acting like regular IKEA customers, I guess.

“Magic one (wave, wave). Oh what was that!” … Rebecca on her shot glass throw … well as magic goes, it was pretty crappy. Somewhere Harry Potter is laughing at her.

“IKEA. Just take us to IKEA” … Aaron … well that’s specific. It’s the Swedish equivalent of asking to go to the “casino” in Vegas or the “coffee house” in Seattle.

“I think the ice bar was all about patience because we showed up last but didn’t end up leaving last” … Hera … patience … and skill … and the idea that if you keep throwing it hard, it will keep flying off the end of the bar.

“Find the world largest I-KE-A (eye-key-eh) store” … Freddy … he can be forgiven because maybe he does his furniture shopping in upper scale stores, but in Sweden, calling it Eye-Key-Eh will get one a swift STEKA in the KARRIÄR.

“You got to be kidding me” … Jon on the 10 a.m. IKEA opening … apparently IKEA changed the time after not being impressed with the type of customers they were getting at 3 a.m.

“In this detour, teams will be assigned one of two tasks that might be assigned to an IKEA employee” … Phil … but only if they are being disciplined or are way, way down on the food chain.

“In Build It, teams have to build this desk correctly, using every single part given to them” … Phil … this could take a while. It’s been 10 years and I’m still working on my IKEA desk. Damn pegs.

“Maybe we should build something? Have you ever built a desk? It looks really hard” … Rebecca … well, it’s not like you have to chop down your own trees or anything, but piecing together IKEA furniture does come a close second.
Bolo picks an inappropriate time to go shopping, but does came away with some great space saving tips and ideas.
“Let’s look for a marked area. Right here. Right here. That ain’t a marked area. Okay, I was just looking” … Bolo / Lori … Bolo picks an inappropriate time to go shopping, but does came away with some great space saving tips and ideas.

“These are what you screw in” … Aaron on the screws … okay, the fact that he needed to say this or believes she needed to hear it does not bode well. Next lesson, how the hammer works.

“66 … 68 … 80 … 82” … Bolo on bear counting … the Arthur Anderson method of counting. I’ll cut Bolo some slack since most wrestlers don’t get to hear numbers past 3 or 10 at the most.

“The big pegs don’t fit and the little pegs … Snap” … Victoria … funny how the snapping of a peg and the snapping of Jonathan are so perfectly timed.

“Oh my God, help me here. I don’t know how to work with you right now” … Victoria / Jonathan … more than one marriage has been brought to the edge of destruction by the building of IKEA furniture.

“1646 and what. (Silence.) I told you to remember the number. No, you didn’t” … Bolo / Lori … the wrestling genes are kicking in. I sense a body slam into the pots and pans coming soon for one of them.

“Where do the pegs go? Stop with the pegs! Don’t yell” … Victoria / Jonathan / Aaron … I would tell Aaron to watch out because Jonathan might just throw the desk at him, but it’s an IKEA desk. They’re more prone to shatter on impact.

“How do we get back to the main entrance?” … Kris … the battle cry of the seasoned IKEA shopper. The store is specifically designed so that no matter where you are, you will have to cross through five different sections, the cafeteria, and the warehouse just to get out.

“My Dad was the surgeon and I was the nurse” … Hera on building … luckily, Gus did a good job. His patient might sue for malpractice and get a new chair and a lamp out of the deal.

“2304. Is that your final answer? Yes” … Kristy / IKEA lady … who knew that Regis Philbin had an illegitimate daughter living and working in Sweden?

“Will you shut up and let me talk. We have to go here. We are here. No, we got to go there. We are there” … Jonathan / Victoria … so according to Jonathan they are both here and there. I hope he tips the cabbie well because that was damn quick.
IKEA does not age-discriminate, anyway … you’re generally screwed regardless of who you are.
“Please. We’re 40 years older than any other team” … Don to IKEA lady … this begging/cheating thing must be new to Don as he seems to have forgotten that this is all being filmed. IKEA does not age-discriminate, anyway … you’re generally screwed regardless of who you are.

“It’s not rocket science to count bears” … Don … pots and pans are a different story though. That’s left up to the MIT guys.

“How many did you put in there? Two. Are you sure it was two?. Two or three” … Lori / Bolo …Sorry Bolo. I just don’t think the IKEA lady is in the mood to hear an answer that is “give or take.”

“We’ll get on the subway. The subway? That’s a train. That’s a train” … Freddy / Kendra … your mind has now been turned into mush. Thank you for shopping at IKEA.

“Oh my God. I can’t see at all. Your back pack is hitting me” … Hayden … not being able to see might be a little annoying but just how much steering was Hayden planning on doing on the back of the bike?

“You might want to get off the gravel and onto the dirt” … Hayden … or maybe get onto the road. The road is always a good option, too.

“Are we moving hay bales like strong man competition?” … Aaron … it would probably have to be downgraded to the “average man” competition, but sure, whatever works for you.

“Do you have to roll another, baby? Looks like it. That sucks” … Kris / Jon … you know in Amsterdam, this competition would be taking on a whole new direction.

“The seat’s too high, Jon. We’re already doing it” … Victoria / Jonathan … sadly for Victoria, they chose a bike that apparently doesn’t have the ability to stop.

“Push the haystack downhill. It might be easier” … Kristy … get enough speed and you might take out one of the other teams too. It’s a win-win

“Unroll another one. You may have to go through several” … Kristy … Kristy must have been quite the cheerleader in school with motivational cheers like that one.

“Oh my God. We’re still here. How can we be the last people?” … Mary Jean … might have something to do with needing to count several thousand items multiple times before deciding that putting a peg in a hole might be easier.

“My hands are totally cut up. It’s okay. Keep with it” … Lena / Kristy … the love between two sisters is touching sometimes. Will Lena be overcome with Kristy’s kind words or severe blood loss?

“Where on this island could it possibly be?” … Jonathan … kudos to Jonathan for at least staying by the water while looking for a boat. Maybe he should look for some flags and a large production crew, too.

“I’m proud of you, honey. You’re rolling out like a champ” … Kendra … sadly Freddy had to miss out on the World Hay Rolling Championships in order to participate in the Amazing Race.

“I’m sure there’s a bunch of piles that haven’t been rummaged through. Why don’t you just go through them?” … Kristy … to say a line like that after hours of hay rolling either proves Kristy has a lot of guts or Lena was nowhere near a pitchfork.

“We estimate you’ve been out here 8 hours plus and rolled out over 100 haystacks” … Phil to Lena … and now there are several Vegas casinos that would love you to come and visit.

“I knew this was a big deal for Kristy. I didn’t want to be the one to ruin it. You didn’t” … Lena / Kristy … but the people who thought up this stunt and hid the clues … they’re in for one hell of a sister mad-o-gram.


Instead of 30 minutes, should Don’s penalty have been to get a haircut like Adam’s. He’d think twice about getting in the wrong car again.
To have to wear a parka in a bar kind of defeats the purpose of it being a hip pick up spot.
To have to wear a parka in a bar kind of defeats the purpose of it being a hip pick up spot.

Safe to say the bartenders weren’t filling those shot glasses with top shelf liquor. Here come the racers … break out the lingonberry juice.

This is the only shot glass game I’ve ever seen where nobody ended up doing a shot. It would have made racing tougher but they’d be a happy bunch.

Hera said patience was the key to the shot glass game. I think it’s the impatience of the poor patron watching his shot glass slide by that would be a better motivator to hit the target.

I’m surprised no one called the cops on the racers camped outside IKEA. Nobody besides the criminally insane would be that eager to buy make-your-own furniture.

Thank you to the producers of the Amazing Race. Never before have I had the chance to experience an IKEA infomercial in prime time.

I’m glad I got to share a good smirk with the IKEA girl watching over Bolo’s counting style. I guess Bolo hated the 70s so much, he won’t even use those numbers in counting.
Are the racers the only people to set foot in an IKEA store and not make use of the pencils and paper available in every 2nd aisle?
Are the racers the only people to set foot in an IKEA store and not make use of the pencils and paper available in every 2nd aisle?

Congrats to Gus and Hera in supporting the local economy by using Swedish money to buy tickets from the station convenience store. What were the other teams thinking, waving around their American money and buying from a ticket agent?

Three yields in the race is still three yields too many.

All I can say is some farmer is going to be really pissed when he finds his hay bales have all been destroyed.

For someone who couldn’t breathe, Victoria still ran off that field pretty quickly.

Nothing says this is a beautiful city better than having a giant floating hand in the river.

It was nice of Kris and Jon to let Aaron and Hayden come in first and win the cruise. Of course, finishing in a tie and having both teams win the cruise might have been nicer.

Do you suppose that Lena found any needles during the roadblock?

It was good to see Phil get out and visit the Lena and Kristy. I’m betting Lena might have appreciated the gesture two hours or 20 haystacks earlier.