Amazing Race Rants

Amazing Race Rant - Episode 2


“Will Jonathan and Victoria’s constant fighting slow them down or be a motivating force?” … Phil … probably a motivating force to finish the race quickly so they can be done with each other.

“Hayden and I met 10 months ago and I’m still learning new things about her” … Aaron … silly Aaron. Everybody knows that it takes 11 months in a relationship to know everything about your partner.

“Hayden can be very bossy but that’s her personality and I love that about her” … Aaron … and that’s the truth. She told me so.

“Lena has been very good at listening when I give direction. I wouldn’t mind a little more input. I feel like I’m the strong one sometimes at making decisions” … Kristy … so you’re good at making decisions, your partner listens to you, and you came in third on the last leg. Man, does this team have problems or what?

“You’re dead set on going straight to the airport? No doubt” … Kendra / Freddy … the race is obviously interfering with Kendra’s desire to see the sites, go antiquing, etc.
However, when looking at all the things that other people don’t like about you, we get a list that rivals Santa’s.
“This race shows you all the things you don’t like about yourself” … Jonathan … which for Jonathan is not much. However, when looking at all the things that other people don’t like about you, we get a list that rivals Santa’s.

“You need to look at those things you don’t like and try and rise above it” … Jonathan … but if that’s too hard, you can always fall back on Plan B … keep being a jerk.

“Let’s go. Stop panicking. I’m not panicking. Then stop whining to me. I’m not whining” … Victoria/Jonathan … it’s Jonathan’s mental abilities at work again. Normal people would only see “Let’s go” as meaning let’s get going, but Jonathan can see beyond that into the realm of panic and whining. It’s truly a gift.

“I’m hoping the race will help evolve the relationship between Jon and I to a more positive place” … Victoria … like court or prison, perhaps. The relationship has got to get more positive … there’s not much further to go on the negative side.

“Before her, I was getting put in jail … beating people up” … Bolo on Lori … hats off to the fine people at CBS recruiting that missed that little tid bit of information.

“The men in Oslo are very handsome” … Meredith … I suppose it would be a downer to be on the race and go to one of those ugly men countries.

“Meredith and I keep positive attitudes no matter where we go. That’s the best thing we got going for us” … Maria … given their navigation skills and their lightning racing speed so far, positive attitude might be the only thing they got going for them.

“I’m glad I don’t got to look at that goofy face anywhere” … Lori on Jonathan … now if only I didn’t got to hear that goofy grammar anywhere.

“What are you doing? I can’t find it (the marked car). Then what are you doing down there?” … Jonathan/Victoria … these two would be a joy to watch in a shopping mall parking lot at Christmas. Presents would be flying everywhere.

“We were approached by a man on the airplane and he said if we’d like, his son could come with us and show us where we needed to go” … Kristy … perfectly normal. Which one of us when visiting a foreign country hasn’t gone off with someone we just met on the plane?

“Would you volunteer if we were big hairy men?” … Kristy to Olie … so much for the don’t ask, don’t tell policy on the Amazing Race. He might just be hitting them up for a lift home.

“We’re not as good at driving stick as we are at automatic” … Meredith … if you hadn’t brought it up, I’d never have noticed. Except for that extreme case of whiplash.

“We went too far. We were supposed to get off there. I can’t believe we got lost. This is horrible” … Freddy … but Freddy, if you just missed your exit and you know you did, then you’re not really all that lost, are you? Inconvenient, yes. Horrible, maybe not.

“This was the part we were going to be good at. We weren’t going to be as strong as the kids. We were going to be smarter. What happened?” … Mary Jean … well we’re running low on choices here. Maybe it just a case of “we are smart … it’s the clues that got dumb.”

“Victoria has some challenges within herself” … Jonathan … let’s not stop there. She’s got some pretty big challenges outside herself as well … some with blue hair even.

“As a geography major in school, I know where we are going and how to get there” … Kris … I wasn’t aware that you needed to be a geography major to find Norway on a map, let alone get tickets to fly there. It must have been an interesting day in class when they studied the best routes to get to obscure Norwegian ski jumps.

“Teams must now drive more than 50 miles to the village of Brandbu where they’ll find this traditional Viking village” … Phil … hopefully not to be confused with all the modern Viking villages they will come across along the way.
Just hit the Adam’s mom speed dial on the phone.
“Tell my mom I love her, please” … Adam pre zip line … yeah I’m sure the zip line operator is going to get right on that. Just hit the Adam’s mom speed dial on the phone.

“Mom, I love you!!” … Adam on the zip line … the guys at the gym are going to be ragging on him for that. Plus I’m sure Rebecca is pleased to hear quite loudly where she stands in the old pecking order.

“I was here 52 years ago. I came up those stairs a lot easier. Seventeen vs. 69. Phew” … Don … 52 years between climbs. That must have been one hell of a line up.

“We had an agreement that I would do it. The climb was a killer. I can climb!” … Mary Jean / Don … given the choice between the climb killing him or Mary Jean killing him, I’m not sure Don made the best choice.

“Yeah. We’re number 1!” … Jonathan … well except for those other teams already here, but in Jonathan’s world, things are a little different.

“I knew that the teams were not smart enough to find this” … Jonathan … and apparently Jonathan is not smart enough to realize he’s saying this to a team that already found it.

“You owe me an apology. I’m sorry. You owe me a bigger apology. I’m really sorry.” … Jonathan/Victoria … sorry for coming with you, sorry for the marriage, sorry Bolo isn’t here to body slam you. She’s sorry for a lot of things.

“You need to look inside yourself and do something different” … Jonathan to Victoria … too bad the role of idiot and jerk for the team is already taken. She’ll have to try something different.

“I am so proud of myself” … Jonathan … nothing like having pride in one’s ability to get lost and ask for directions.

“Take off your glasses so you can see better” … Rebecca to Adam … haven’t quite made the link between not wearing glasses and seeing better, but I guess you don’t want to get labeled as the “shady” rower. At least now Adam has a clear view of the guy sitting right in front of him.

“Jonathan was yelling at the girls. He made her cry” … Freddy/Kendra … she’s probably crying that she didn’t think of applying a quick oar to the back of the head. I’m pretty sure that would stop the yelling..

“My oar gets caught like I meant to do it on purpose. I’m not his wife. He doesn’t have to scream at me” … Meredith on Jonathan … if nothing else, Jonathan is an equal opportunity screamer. I’m sure Victoria appreciated the breather.

“Guess what I lost?” … Adam … it’s a toss up between his hair, his dignity, his mind, or his glasses. Maybe a little bit from each column.

“I took them off because you told me to. And then you know what, they fell in the boat” … Adam … and then you know what, I forgot to pick them up and I decided to blame you.

“If you ever tell me to take glasses off again, I will never talk to you again for the rest of my life” … Adam … take the deal, Rebecca. You’re never going to get a better offer than that. It’s like having a boyfriend mute button.

“Thank you, Rebecca. I have no glasses. Thank you very much” … Adam … I simply cannot go on racing under these conditions. Somebody get me some Ray-Bans or tell Phil I’m out of here.

“I am losing my feelings for you” … Rebecca to Adam … and discovering a whole new batch of them, like spite, anger, frustration, with a little sprinkling of mockery in there, too.

“Do you want me to jump on the tracks? I’m going to jump on the tracks if that will make it better” … Adam … well. it couldn’t hurt. This would be one time when an audience voting-in feature would have been handy.

“Seriously. I don’t want you (pause)” … Adam … seriously Adam. You should seriously consider thinking through a thought before seriously saying half-sentences that could seriously end a relationship.

“Rebecca. I don’t want you not to love me” … Adam …quite the Hallmark moment. It’s the sweet romantic commitment of the double negative. I don’t not love you, honey. I don’t not love you, too.

“Let’s do accuracy. Accuracy. With accuracy you got to be accurate” … Bolo/Lori … Curses. Lori has figured out the secret meaning behind this clue. Climbing in “Ice climbing”, accurate in “Accuracy.” The clue writers are a devious bunch, aren’t they?
Challenges are an excellent opportunity to develop new skills and see if we suck at them.
“It’s archery and stuff. Are you good at that? Who cares? Let’s try it” … Victoria/Jonathan … master plan at work again. Challenges are an excellent opportunity to develop new skills and see if we suck at them.

“Did they actually play this in ancient times? Because this is the biggest waste of time that I’ve ever seen” … Freddy … True, but I’m sure the ancients would probably have an opinion or two about the “benefits” of reality TV as well.

“I was trying hard not to laugh and I didn’t, but it was hilarious watching her bounce across the pavement a few times” … Bolo … the audience is with you there Bolo, and I hope it was worth the body slamming you’re going to get for saying that on national TV.

“Kristy. Snowplow” … Lena’s advice on roller skiing … you know that would be a great idea if the skis didn’t in fact have wheels on the bottom. Angling wheels towards each other offers not so much speed control, but more of a chance to see how gravity works.

“I’m sorry I thought we could do this” … Hayden to Aaron … when in actual fact I can do this and you really suck at it.

“Oh honey. I’m so sorry. Please try to find the humour in this” … Hayden … like the rest of the viewing audience is.

“The ax sucks” … Don … it can’t possibly be Don’s technique, so I hope the next time he’s in Norway, they provide him some decent throwing axes.

“I spent an entire semester of college. I never hit the bale. How many times have I told you that story?” … Mary Jean … never did see archery as an elective when I went to college. Maybe she did a lot of post-graduate axe throwing study.

“We have to go back. No, we don’t. Yes, we do. We can’t pick up their stuff. It’s stealing” … Don/Mary Jean … a good moral decision on Don’s part, though the presence of a camera crew kind of prevents making a clean getaway.

“I don’t care if we win or lose or what. I really don’t” … Mary Jean ... going from willing to die on the mat, to not really caring about losing. The racer mood swings are kicking in a bit early.


If a professional wrestler calls your face goofy, it can’t be great for the ego. A lot of them wear masks, you know.

Some couples hug and kiss. Others slam heads into airplane boarding tunnels. Love is funny.

Sadly for Lena and Kristy, they were unaware of the Norwegian tradition that says when they leave an airport with a stranger’s son, they are now legally wed.

Who decides to enter the Amazing Race on the hopes that the world is filled with automatic transmissions?

It was nice that they edited out Maria’s camera guy losing his lunch from her rock’n’stop driving style.

On a positive note, Maria has just been hired by Disney to develop the next generation of bumper cars and thrill rides.

If Victoria’s going to keep up that annoying squeaking noise, it might be time to look inside and start making a different sound.
How is riding a zip line an Olympian feat? It may be me, but I can’t name a single member of the National or Olympic zip line team.
How is riding a zip line an Olympian feat? It may be me, but I can’t name a single member of the National or Olympic zip line team.

Olie learned a valuable lesson. If you help out cute American women, they will dump you at an ancient Viking village. I’ve seen it happen too many times.

Depending on how Olie wants to play it, he either has a great story to tell his friends or Kristy and Lena’s phone number will be plastered in washrooms all over Oslo

After Jonathan’s little push on Victoria, will we soon see the return of Mirna as Victoria’s lawyer?

Here’s a novel rowing idea. Have one person yell “Stroke” and everyone keep time with them. It’s crazy, but it might just work.

Shadeaphobia … the unnatural fear of your boyfriend constantly wearing sunglasses.

How many teams would vote for giving Jonathan his own Viking funeral?

Jonathan’s yelling about second. Gus is mellow about third. Cross them together, and you get the perfect racer reaction.

Should Meredith have gotten extra credit for hooking her ax on top of the giant log?

Don and Mary Jean will spend most of this pit stop creating their “This is Don and Mary Jean’s car” sign for the next legs.

Will Adam and Rebecca ever leave their keys in the car again?

After Lori’s shake, shake, shake, will Phil be happy to return to hugs again?

In implementing the penalty, was that the equivalent of Phil sending Freddy and Kendra into timeout?

Will the boys from Brooklyn enjoy their new roommates … the girls from Queens?