The ATC Report

“60 Minutes” Interview of Avi/Joe

S/D: So, you’re the first team eliminated from The Amazing Race 6.

Avi: Yes, that’s us.
For the record, which of you is Avi, and which is Joe? We saw so little of you it’s hard to tell.
S/D: For the record, which of you is Avi, and which is Joe? We saw so little of you it’s hard to tell.

Joe: I’m Joe.

Avi: I’m Avi.

S/D: Of the following, which would you say was the main reason you finished last – the fact that the war in Iraq is still ongoing, the fact that you are both Jews from Brooklyn, or the fact that the Republicans continue to hold the presidency and both houses of Congress?

Joe: Huh? What kind of question is that? None of those have anything to do with the Race!

Avi: Did you actually watch the Race?

S/D: So, you’re denying that the war in Iraq is ongoing?

Avi: No, we aren’t denying that. We are just…

S/D: You both just failed to select the war as the reason you were eliminated. Now you’re claiming that you didn’t deny that the war is ongoing. What exactly would you have us believe?

Joe: There is no connection between The Amazing Race and the war in Iraq. The war had nothing whatsoever to do with us being eliminated.

S/D: Those are pretty strong words. It’s also apparent you’re sticking to your claim that the war is not ongoing.

Avi: Believe what you want – can we move on?

S/D: Fine. If the war in Iraq is not ongoing, can you explain the rising body count from the “non-war”?

Joe: This is ridiculous. I thought we were going to talk about The Amazing Race.

Avi: Do you have any questions that DON’T mention Iraq?

S/D: All right then, let’s jump to another topic. Who is Phil?

Joe: Phil is the host of the show.
And this Phil, he wanted you eliminated?
S/D: And this Phil, he wanted you eliminated?

Avi: Well, yes. We came in last.

S/D: Came in last? You make this sound like some kind of a game. Is that what you think this is, some kind of a game?

Joe: Um, yes?

S/D: And did you know that over 43,000 people died playing “games” last year?

Avi: You just made that up.

S/D: We never make up facts. Who is Jonathan?

Joe: Nobody. Really.

S/D: Sure. We can come back to that later. Tell us what made you two decide to apply for The Amazing Race.

Avi: See? Now this is a good question.

Joe: Right. These are the kind of questions we came here to answer.
You applied for the Race to answer questions? Are there things in your past that you would like to tell us about?
S/D: You applied for the Race to answer questions? Are there things in your past that you would like to tell us about?

Joe: No, you misunderstood. We weren’t talking about US having questions when we applied; we were saying that your question was the type we expected when we agreed to this interview.

S/D: Yet you continue to refuse to answer the question. Exactly what are you hiding?

Avi: Nothing! We’re hiding nothing! We will answer the question if you would just give us a chance.

S/D: We’ve given you a chance. We’ve given you several chances – and you still won’t answer. All the rumors say that you are both Jews from Brooklyn. Could that be the secret you are hiding?

Joe: This is insane. We’ve both admitted to that – in our bios and on the show. You even mentioned it in your first question! How could we be trying to hide it?

S/D: The first question we asked was whether or not you were the first team eliminated. If you will lie to us about something as obvious as that, how can we trust any of your answers?

Avi: That’s it, I’m leaving.

Joe: Ditto.

S/D: There you have it, Avi and Joe – first team eliminated from The Amazing Race 6, friends from Brooklyn.

Joe: That’s the first bright thing you’ve said.

S/D: We thought you were leaving.

Avi: Bite me.

(Editor’s note: The above “interview” was never actually done for CBS’ fine show, “60 Minutes.” In fact, it was never really done at all. Steve and Dave have never actually talked to Avi or Joe, and if this column is any indication, probably won’t.)