Fashion Reports

Fashion Report — Episode One

Giuseppe: Well here we go again with another season of fun-filled fashion snark. Did everyone miss me? What do you mean, who the hell am I? Oh, right. The name. It’s me, swimmerboy! Only now I go by Giuseppe. My co-hort, DariaG, has decided to take some time off from snarking, so I’d like to introduce my new, extremely fashionable, and equally handsome partner in crime, Big Slick! Welcome aboard, Big Slick.

Big Slick: Thanks! It’s great to be here! DariaG’s Jimmy Choo stilettos will be pretty tough to fill, and I can only aspire to be as handsome as you, but I’m sure this season’s fashion report will be scandalicious.

Giuseppe: What are your thoughts on the racers after one episode?
Who on the show just had a baby boy?! There's so much powder blue this season, it looks like a goddamn 70s prom!
Big Slick: I was left with one major question after the first episode: Who on the show just had a baby boy?! There's so much powder blue this season, it looks like a goddamn 70s prom! I keep waiting for someone to dump pig's blood on Victoria ("They're all going to laugh at you!")!

Mind you, I have nothing against the color—and some people, including my esteemed colleague Giuseppe, can really work it—

Giuseppe: Aw, thank you!

Big Slick: —but TEN Racers appearing at some point in an article of light blue clothing? Enough is enough! Give us some visual variety, folks.

Giuseppe: You know, we had this same problem last season with teams like Marshall and Lance and Colin and Christie, both of whom seemed to wear the same dull, monotonous colors every leg. At least the TAR6 racers are giving us something brighter. Although Jonathan is loud enough as it is. He should really get rid of the bright yellow jacket.

Big Slick: What really worries me, though, is that, next season we'll be seeing every team in that horrid shade of green that is so freaking popular right now (vomit). Here's my PSA to all you lovely, well-dressed readers and future Racers . . . DON'T WEAR THAT TERRIBLE GREEN COLOR! YOU CAN'T PULL IT OFF!

Cleansing breaths, cleansing breaths.

Giuseppe: Oh, sweet Lord, let’s hope this doesn’t happen. Puke green is one of those colors that actually makes you nauseous after looking at it for too long. Which is why I don’t understand why so many hospitals insist on using it in their waiting rooms. It also takes me back to my childhood, as my bedroom was painted that color. Hmmm. Maybe that’s why I’m so messed up.

Big Slick: Messed up or no, I did think that most Racers were dressed in clothes that were well-suited to both travel and the physical elements of the Race. I saw a lot of attractive windpants (and it's tough to find windpants that look good). Did you see any big mistakes, Giuseppe?
I do have to question Hayden’s top, though. Was she trying for a Tara Reid/Janet Jackson moment? Those puppies were one jostle away from popping free.
Giuseppe: Yes I did. I think Jonathan is a big mistake. What? You mean clothes-wise? Oh hell. Mistakes? No, I agree with you. I thought everyone looked pretty good at the starting line. I do have to question Hayden’s top, though. Was she trying for a Tara Reid/Janet Jackson moment? Those puppies were one jostle away from popping free. Also, were my eyes deceiving me, or was Gus wearing socks with sandals? Please tell me those were just black shoes with white striping. If not, he’s dead to me. Just completely dead.

Big Slick: Well, I have reviewed the tape, and I can’t tell. You can see them in a few shots at the start and then on the plane as he and Hera sit. I can’t believe I searched those out. Gus wasn’t lying when he said, “The game’s a foot.”

How about we pretend I didn’t just say that? Um . . .

There were actually some good hats. I loved Aaron's knit cap. His head looked warm (and hot). There's no hating this hat! It was a good color for him, and it accented the fine shape of his noggin. Jon's visor didn't bother me—it really showcased his hair (more on that below). Gus has a hat I wouldn't recommend for everyone, but it works for him and his whole look. Bolo, though—oh my Christ, what was that on your head? Did you just head-butt a figure skater?!

Giuseppe: Yeah, I don’t have a clue what that blue thing on Bolo’s head was. I much preferred the black baseball cap he wore later on. There were also a lot of racers sporting head wraps. Ugh. I don’t mean to complain. They’re an easy way to keep your hair out of the way without messing it up, but between TAR5 and Big Brother this past summer, I grew so tired of them.

Big Slick: Hear, hear! I think these reality personalities need a little more guidance and maybe some positive reinforcement (imagine if Jonathan had had positive reinforcement as a child), so I'm going to give out awards! Hair, because it was so prominently featured and, of course, best and worst dressed.
And I'm still disturbed by his lack of lips, but, hey, I’m not the one trying to kiss up on the boy.
Best hair (male): Jon. And it actually makes that visor work for him. I will warn him not to fall into the grunge trend of dark, short-sleeved tees over light, long-sleeved tees, though. And I'm still disturbed by his lack of lips, but, hey, I’m not the one trying to kiss up on the boy.

Best hair (female): Hera. No contest. This woman also gets my award for Best Looking Racer (female) of the season . . . and possibly of all seasons. Love her. Honestly. I totally have a crush on her—and you know that's saying something!

Giuseppe: Well, I know what you mean. I have a crush on Rebecca. There’s something about her I find oddly cute and endearing. But I agree with you about Hera having the best hair. She really is stunning. But speaking of hair, either Meredith or Maria need to change theirs so I can tell the damn girls apart. Honestly, they have the exact same face and exact same hair! Are we sure they’re not twins? Are they sure?

Big Slick: Worst hair: Adam. And we all know why. Never forget the magic of video recording, people! What you wear on the Race will be what you see when you watch the tapes twenty years from now with your children.

Poor Adam also "wins" this leg's award for Single Worst Article of Clothing: that black, zip, SLEEVELESS HOODIE! Had I been racing, I'd've stolen that thing out of his backpack and sent it off to sea on an iceberg.

Giuseppe: Adam seems like an okay guy, but I think we need to have a serious talk with him. I’m also taking some points away for his pants. I just will never warm up to the idea of capris for men, no matter what they look like. I am just not a fan.

Big Slick: Amen. I call them man-pris. And they need to go.

Drumroll . . .
Best dressed: Mary Jean. Her choices were consistently understated and elegant and quite flattering. I liked her sleeveless turtleneck in the intro. I liked her black top and khaki combo on day one. I loved her steely jacket at the ice climb. Classy.

Worst dressed: At the opposite end of the spectrum . . . Jonathan. No amount of yellow is going to turn him into a superhero.
I think I have to give my worst dressed to both Lori and Bolo. They looked like they had gone straight from cleaning the house to the starting line.
Giuseppe: I think I have to give my worst dressed to both Lori and Bolo. They looked like they had gone straight from cleaning the house to the starting line.

Big Slick: Or somebody else’s house.

Giuseppe: As for best dressed? Too close for me to make a definite call. I thought most of the racers looked great and nobody completely outshone anybody else. But as time wears on, I’m sure it’ll be easy to tell who stays the most fashionable in the face of killer fatigue.

Big Slick: Yes, that will be the true test of the Racers’ fashion sense. The game is afoot indeed!



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