Amazing Race Rants

Amazing Race Rant - Episode 1


“So this will be a great opportunity for us to get to know each other and figure if we want to be together in the future” … Jon … and also a great opportunity to see how many swear words each of us knows and plus our threshold for verbal and physical abuse.

“Lena and I were both raised Mormon. We had a conservative Mormon home. I've maintained that. Lena … likes to have fun” … Kristy … not exactly a Mormon recruiting poster slogan … join us and say good-bye to fun.

“As professional wrestlers, I'm the bitch and he's the intimidator” … Lori … they tried it the other way round but Bolo just couldn't be bitchy enough.

“It's our job is to piss people off” … Bolo … not a bad job to have overall. Must have been an interesting job interview.

“Our endurance level, our brains, our suavé on the streets. I don't believe anybody is going to bring to the table what we are” … Bolo … they certainly aren't going to bring a term like sauvé and say it with a straight face.

“We are in the best physical condition that we've been in the last thirty years” … Don … Impressive. Unfortunately it still puts them about 5 to 10 years older than anyone else in the race, except for Gus.

“Both of us have big brains, but Joe's got the big heart to go with it” … Avi … apparently Avi decided to forgo the heart and go straight for the big ego instead.

“When we're passing people, I'll be running them over and Joe's going to be picking them up” … Avi … together they might make one normal guy.
That’s a weird first date, even for L.A.
“Our first kiss, it was love at first sight” … Haydon … so she didn't see him until they kissed? That's a weird first date, even for L.A.

“Gus and Hera. A father and daughter hoping to improve their relationship” … Phil … and forgetting that there must be a dozen easier and better ways to do it than to go on reality television.

“I know the answers. When we run into problems, I will make her understand what it is we need to do” … Jonathan … and when those answers are wrong, she will make me understand that I'm an idiot. So it all balances out.

“He is like a speeding train and I don't necessarily want to be in that path” … Victoria … I'd go a step further and consider sabotaging the tracks and taking the plane instead.

“Because I am ten years older than Kendra, I've had a few more adventures than her” … Freddy … of course there's all that stuff she hasn't told me about and her stint in the Witness Protection Program, but that doesn't count.

“Maria and I are two fun girls and we like to go out and have fun” … Meredith … well that's certainly an eye opener … fun girls like to have fun. I look forward to additional pearls of wisdom soon.

“We are friendly, we're charming, and people like us” … Maria … when did the bios tapes start turning into self affirmation personal ads.? They did everything shy of leaving their number on the screen.

“Adam and Rebecca. Two ex-lovers trying to rekindle their relationship” … Phil … and needing a good dose of reality to smother those flames completely.

“Adam and I stopped being boyfriend and girlfriend about a year ago because of our lack of communication” … Rebecca … the lack of communication is obvious as she still hasn't mentioned anything to him about his hair cut.

“You'll have one hundred and seventy five dollars and 28 cents for this leg of the race” … Kris … 28 cents? Lots of thought went into that amount I guess. Maybe it's for the phone call from jail plus a penny candy for the team and cameraman.

“It's going to be cold there right? No, it's cold in Greenland, it's warm in Iceland” … Adam/Rebecca … be that as it may, you may want to bring a jacket along just in case. You can always change into those popular colourful, floral Icelandic shirts once you arrive.

“Can you tell us to how to get on the Blue line. To get to O'Hara?” … Lena … O'Hare vs. O'Hara? As God as my witness, you'll never get to the busiest airport again.
Bolo hasn’t trained much for those dangerous backpack matches you see in professional wrestling.
“Being professional wrestlers, we're used to pain. You learn to bring your body to extremes that nobody ever thought possible” … Bolo … I guess at least one producer thought that running 8 blocks with a backpack wasn't that extreme. Bolo hasn't trained much for those dangerous backpack matches you see in professional wrestling.

“I'm a very passionate person. You might see it as explosive but it's passion. And there's something behind it all the time” … Jonathan … and that would be explosive rage and the ability to scream at the drop of a hat.

“I am not mindless” … Jonathan … although everything you've seen so far may lead you to think otherwise. He probably does in fact have a mind, but maybe it's not quite working at full capacity yet.

“I'm eccentric, I'm weird. I'm definitely my own person” … Adam … not that there is a long line-up of people trying to copy you or anything.

“I don't really care what other people think of me” … Adam … kind of gathered that from that whole hair horn thing you got going on.

“We're going to control and dominate by having an alliance that can wreak havoc and destruction” … Gus … with a plan like this, you have to figure at some point Gus is going to break out the black ski-mask and C4 somebody's car

“Help Jon. I can't do this. Why can't you do this?” … Victoria/Jonathan … you know a “let me help you, sweetie” probably would have worked so much better. I have a feeling that “why can't you do this” will get repeated week after week.

“I am a mental magician. My foresight is so powerful. I have the ability of going into a situation and seeing what needs to be done” … Jonathan … and yet I seem painfully unaware that everybody around really hates my guts.

“Minneapolis is not known for its non-stop flights” … Gus … it's certainly not evident on the travel brochures. Come to Minneapolis, the non-stop flight capital of the Midwest.

“I don't know how to help you sir. We fly to Canada. What?!!” … Air Canada attendant/Freddy … in all fairness to Freddy, they could have made that giant AIR CANADA sign behind the attendant a little bigger. Maybe a map showing “we fly here” might have helped, too.

“If we go to American Airlines, can they tell us about United flights? Well, if they're nice” … Meredith/Mary Jean … nice or the fact that it's not a very common practice for ticket agents while being filmed to tell customers to screw off and check United yourself.

“We need to fly to Iceland. We need the fastest plane you have” … Hera … I didn't realize you could choose the speed of your plane, too. Would care for the Concorde or the Bat Plane today, ma'am?

“Between your blue and my yellow, we're superheroes” … Jonathan to Bolo … and between your wit and my muscles, somebody is going to the hospital.

“Ok, at least we're on board” … Don … and yet they're sitting in two separate rows. Not exactly flying the friendly skies.

“It's very Scottish here. It's very ominous and there's sort of that mist lingering on the ground” … Rebecca … Iceland … we're the new Scotland.

“You're missing the signs. You're sitting back there with your thumb up your ass talking about Scotland” … Adam … way to ruin the mood, you haggis eating caber tosser.

“It doesn't matter what the signs say anyway. I can't read them” … Rebecca … an interesting strategy to have the person who can't read the signs do all the navigating. One wrong turn and it's hello Greenland.

“Kristy there is no way we could screw up on this. We'd have to be total idiots” … Lena … well, let's just say the jury is still out on that one.

“We just passed Bolo. His car was pulled off the road. We don't know why and you know what … we don't care” … Avi … perhaps the caring will kick in once Bolo catches up and tries to turn Avi into an accordion.

“Is it sunny? I don't think so. It's extremely foggy. Sunglasses are not conducive for fog” … Rebecca … this, as the sun comes pouring in through the driver's side window. Plus there's the whole coolness factor that Rebecca is dismissing.
Don and Mary Jean make the unfortunate error of visiting Reykjavik during Spring Break.
“I think they're all ripped” … Don … Don and Mary Jean make the unfortunate error of visiting Reykjavik during Spring Break.

“Our navigating strategy is that we are following Fred and Kendra” … Kristy … so instead of assuming they're going the right way, they'll assume that Fred and Kendra are. Interesting strategy.

“Follow that big toucus” … Avi … one can certainly draw comparisons between the decline of Western society and the decline in the usage of the word “toucus” on TV.

“Hopefully they'll follow us all the way to the glacier. Honey, that's mean. I don't care” … Aaron/Hayden … wonder if that will come up in the friendly pit-stop chit chat … hey, thanks for the extra three hour tour of Iceland you gave us.

“I'm gonna ram him. I'm just going to bump him” … Adam … a subtle Soprano-like way to make the other teams “disappear.” It's not like any of this is being filmed, right?

“That was gorgeous. I just wanted to jump in it” … Kris on the waterfall… I admire her desire to add a little more challenge to the clues, but maybe you ought to stick to the script for now. I promise we'll stop at the next waterfall so you can jump in it.

“I'm just nauseous that we're in this predicament” … Meredith … nothing like starting a 3-hour round trip and hearing that. The camera guy might just want to move out onto the roof rack.

“I'm leaving it running because we're not parked legally” … Adam … yeah, you don't want to have a run in with those angry Icelandic meter maids. Those glacier “no parking” zones are notorious for trapping tourists.

“If we're lost again, I'm jumping off a bridge” … Mary Jean … lost or not, I'm sure that is in the cards at some point in the show.

“We're sleeping in a tent. I don't sleep in tents” … Lena … well, seeing as you're bunking with your sister, you're quickly running out of options of what you can do in a tent.

“I'm a jet setter. I like my heels, my shoes, my bags. I don't like to roughing it” … Lena … obviously misled by all those 5-star airports and street corners that previous racers have been sleeping in.
Let’s smurf the hell out of here before the rest of the smurfy teams show up and smurf our asses.
“Dude, you look like a smurf” … Lena … and on that note, let's smurf the hell out of here before the rest of the smurfy teams show up and smurf our asses.

“Adam has a huge problem leaving his comfort zone. He still lives at home” … Rebecca … but the producers have a note from his Mom saying he can race all he wants as long as he checks in with her by midnight.

“Forty years our people spent wandering the desert so we could wander on a glacier. If there is a God, he has a sense of humour” … Avi/Joe … and if you needed further proof of a sense of humour, just look at the casting of any reality show. There's a higher power at work for our amusement.

“Victoria needs to step up and realize the competitiveness of what's going on here” … Jonathan … and Jonathan needs to step a little closer to Bolo to experience how a pile-driver to the head can change one's focus.

“That'll wake you up” … Gus on his snow bath … not to mention giving everybody horrible nightmares for days to come.

“You have to be at my pace or ahead of me. You realize I'm carrying more than you are. That doesn't make a difference” … Jonathan/Victoria … good to see that Jonathan isn't letting little things like logic and gravity get in the way of his determination.

“As soon as we get there, we need to jump out of the car and run at top speed to wherever the hell it is we're going. Can you acknowledge me, please?” … Jonathan … sorry, Jonathan. I guess she was just in awe of your brilliant plan. He must have worked on that all night.

“Dude, we're ice climbing. We can do this one. It's just like rock climbing” … Lena … except instead of rock outcroppings, there is a sheer sheet of ice. But other than that, it's the same.

“I'm a science teacher. I'm very analytical and logical. If I see that this is a great logical choice, boom, I'm rushing in” … Avi … of course, the logic of trying to spot a one-yard buoy in a sea of 7 square miles kind of escapes me, but he's the teacher. Hopefully they won't have a needle in a haystack challenge coming up.

“Seven square miles. Do you know how big that is?” … Victoria … I'm going out a limb here, but I'm guessing that it is around 7 square miles, give or take.

“Who's got game. C'mon. Give me a face. Give me a face” … Jonathan … and when faces of shock, annoyance, and disgust greet you, what is that saying? Couldn't blame them if they all shoved off then and there.

“Sit down. Leave me alone. He needs to see. Leave me alone. You always worry about the wrong thing” … Victoria/Jonathan … you mean things like staying afloat in icy water. Why can't Victoria see the bigger picture … like the fun of standing up in a dingy?

“How does my butt look in these Lena? Awesome” … Kristy/Lena … well it's true. You only get one chance to make a good impression ice climbing. I'm sure the climbing guides wouldn't be moving too fast to push Bolo's ass up the wall

“Ice climb. Does it say climb it?” … Hera … the producers may just be doing a clever play on words here, but I'm willing to bet the “Ice climb” does involve some degree of climbing.

“We might be better off with the boats. Boats are more fun” … Hera/Gus … going on a sailboat and enjoying a beer. Yes fun. Going on a dingy searching for a buoy. No fun. Hope they're not expecting a party and buffet on the Lido deck.

“That's a boat. It's friggin' people with life floats. Get a different colour you schmucks” … Joe/Avi … an easy mistake to make. Except for the fact that it's 50 times bigger, moving, and has people on it. I thought the smoke stack and radar tower might have given it away.

“She's from here. Let's ask her” … Lori about the lady in the field … probably true. Then again, some lady wandering around a field carrying a shopping bag might not be the most reliable source

“Hellboy and his girlfriend are both about 4' 2”. They're going to be like monkeys climbing up that wall” … Kendra … monkeys being known throughout the world for their adeptness at climbing ice walls

“Just sit forward and go fast. You'll have to sit like that till we get there” … Mary Jean … or we could pull over for 30 seconds so I can adjust it, but sacrifices have to be made for the team I guess.

“One way is to stay on the highway the whole time, which may be easier because we don't think we'll get lost” … Kristy … but damn it, we're sure going to give it the old college try anyway.

“You probably have to pay first. Oh, no you don't. I guess they trust you here” … Rebecca at the gas station … they trust their customers with things like paying after pumping and actually selecting the right type of gas for the vehicle.

“It's diesel. I don't know what this means. This could be very bad” … Rebecca … only if you are looking to drive anywhere. Otherwise, you're good.

“All we have to do is read. Apparently we are not good at that” … Adam … don't focus on that. I'm sure there are a host of other things you're bad at that will come up soon.

“Blue hair. He beat us. That's embarrassing” … Lori on Jonathan … I can't imagine Jonathan is cheering for joy that he is one spot above the wrestling team, either.

“For a million dollars, can't you outrun anybody? I don't care if we die once we get there. I don't want to go home” … Mary Jean … maybe not the best analogy to use because I'm pretty sure dying will probably get you sent home. Let's focus on the “being alive” scenario, shall we?

“We did things that were just inconceivable for me to do being, ya know, a skinny Jewish city kid” … Joe … they drove around Iceland, rode on a snowmobile, and sat in a boat for an hour. Unusual yes, but inconceivable might be a bit of stretch.

“You have to cherish every moment of life, and that's what the Amazing Race is about” … Joe … and yet no team in their bios mentioned the “cherish every moment” philosophy. They all made some reference to a monetary reward of some sort.


Note to Lena and Kristy: If you start mispronouncing airport names in your home country, you've got some interesting adventures in store.

As for Adam being called Hellboy, it's insulting. He may seem freakish, but deep down I'm sure he's a good person … nothing like Adam at all.

Do you think at some point Jonathan will square off against the Amazing Kreskin in a battle of mental prowess?
Now if they could learn the difference between Iceland and Canada, they’ll have this thing cinched.
It’s a good thing that Freddy and Kendra know all the nuances of airports. Now if they could learn the difference between Iceland and Canada, they’ll have this thing cinched.

The sad part about Avi and Joe leaving is no more “New York Jews songs”. Enough legs of the race and they could have made an album.

Nothing screams “I want to get beat up” better than honking and/or yelling at the professional wrestlers stopped along the side of the road.

It’s never a good idea to try and pass a car while going around a curve. Not much smarter of an idea to actually film the car coming right at you, though.

At least Meredith and Maria can claim that without them, there never would have been a Shuttle #5.

The CIA taught Gus how to drive a snowmobile but didn’t quite get around to the stopping without flipping it over part.

Do you think Meredith and Maria would have had more fun on the snowmobile if they actually went above 5mph?

Nothing says “I love you, honey” like a good suplex into the snow.

Notice on Glacier ice beach: No lifeguard on duty. Freeze at your own risk.

If they are going to have a pitstop at the Blue Lagoon, couldn’t they have at least tried to get Christopher Atkins or Brooke Shields to be there? It’s not like they’re busy.

To help find the buoy, I’m surprised Avi and Joe didn’t just listen for Jonathan screaming.

At what point will Phil start instituting the “Stop hugging me” policy?

In an effort not to follow other teams, the sisters developed their unique strategy of running away from Phil.

If I had only one wish, I would be torn between:
  1. Making Jonathan stop screaming.
  2. Getting Gus to hike up his pants once in awhile. Buy suspenders. Anything!