The ATC Report

In Control, Leg 11

Then there are yo-yos. Ours go down but never come back up.
We guess there are going to be a lot of people mocking Colin for his, “my ox is broken” comment this week. Normally, so would we. However, we understand how some people just seem to end up getting busted stuff. For instance: paddleballs. Steve and Dave always get the defective ones. Then there are yo-yos. Ours go down but never come back up. Bowling balls? Ours are oblong. DSL modems? Ours max out at 33.6K. Striped shirts? Our stripes always get wider at the bottom of the shirt. Wooden shoes? Splinters. So you see, we believe it is entirely possible that Colin really DID have a broken ox.

Besides which, we’re guessing that he was probably just using some of that new hipster slang when he said, “my ox is broken.” Women – try it for yourself! Next time your husband/significant other is “in the mood” and you aren’t – just say, “Dear, I’d love to but my ox is broken and I need to let it heal.” Guaranteed you will be sawing logs before they’ve figured out exactly what the heck you meant. How about if your pesky neighbor asks to borrow your hedge trimmer? Simple – “I’d love to let you use it, but right now it has a broken ox and I’m waiting for the part to come in.” Voila! Your neighbor wanders off scratching his head. Here’s one for you men: the wife asks you to walk the dog. You say, “Hon, I was watching him earlier and I think that his ox is broken. Do you really think it is a good idea to walk him right now?” She’ll have the dog halfway to the vet’s office before she digests what you said. Meanwhile, you get to watch the rest of the game! See? So when Colin said “my ox is broken,” what he probably meant was, “if I had an Uzi I would bust a cap in your ass so quick it would make your head swim, bitch.” (Or other loving and affectionate words to that effect.)

So how many of you broke an ox when Phil told Colin and Christie that this was non-elimination leg #4? As far as we can remember, this is the first time ever that the last NEL wasn’t on the leg immediately preceding the final leg. That means the finale will have an elimination leg and the winner all in one two-hour show. Hmmm – sounds like two shows joined together for one final episode.
We find it somewhat interesting that all the teams still alive have either run out of money or finished last in a NEL and had to give up their money at some point in time during the race.
We find it somewhat interesting that all the teams still alive have either run out of money or finished last in a NEL and had to give up their money at some point in time during the race. Going back to last week, the same applied to all the top five teams. Since the lack of money hasn’t really seemed to impact a team’s ability to continue in the race, it must be true that the producers really DO like to show scenes of racers begging for money on the streets of foreign countries. Who knew that something we initially made up as a joke would turn out to be true?

We remember right before our race began the producers reminded us that we were not to tell anyone we were on a race. I’ve lost count this season on how many times teams have shouted out those exact words. And this week it was in the Philippines, where the Amazing Race is almost as well known as it is here. And while we’re at it, we were told we could not use luggage carts in airports, wear comfortable shoes, or eat. These guys have it so easy.

On to our ratings for this week. The ratings and icons are pretty simple. There are four ratings, four icons – one for each team. We’re picking the order we think the teams will finish in. Do we have inside information, or are they just guesses on our part? You’ll just have to watch and find out…


Chip/Kim:

Dave: Evil Chip! Evil! (Not that that is a BAD thing.) Three teams all running for the Yield point, all three teams saying that they needed to Yield Colin and Christie, and somehow you two get elected to put your picture in the “from” window. I think you just managed to make a mortal enemy out of Colin – at least until the race is over. Not to worry, Steve and I made mortal enemies out of Chip & Reichen during TAR4, and look how that ended up. OK, bad example. Here’s another thought: when Colin and/or Christie is ragging on you about the use of the Yield – just say, “lighten up, Francis.” It won’t really help matters any, but it’s a line from the movie “Stripes,” and I’ve always liked the film. Something else to consider – the Pistons are the NBA champs; so comparing C&C to the Lakers wasn’t really a compliment. (Unless you didn’t intend your remark to actually BE a compliment…) Congrats on winning the leg – it’s about time!
What he did not know is how they make you look like a basted turkey.
Steve: I’ve heard Chip got the idea of space blankets from our race. I’m sure he thought they would be warm and light. What he did not know is how they make you look like a basted turkey. Aloha, Chip and Kim, and well done (but not too dry). Chip, cook dinner…Chip, it’s your Roadblock…Chip, you take the kids to school…Chip…you LIKE caviar and eggs…not tonight Chip, my ox is broken… Magneto, mama wants you now! (The first reader, (except you, Chip), to explain this cryptic joke gets three gigs taken off their account)


STEVE & DAVE’S RATING:

1st
First Place; and ONE MILLION dollars.


Linda/Karen:

Steve: The ladies in shorts, nice pins! Sorry. I hope you two win the race and buy a limousine to take you anywhere you want to go. That way, no one will have to hear you SCREAM for another taxi! I’m a little disappointed these two haven’t prayed like the other three teams have. Alright, Colin’s ”God damn ox”, “holy shit I’ve been Yielded” and “Christ, Christie, help me”, probably wouldn’t win him any Sunday school awards but I think that is his way of showing his religion. I loved Linda mentioning how “That was a pretty quick eleven hour flight” from Auckland to Hong Kong. I remember Dave and I getting the folks on those long flights to sing karaoke, have trivia contests, and enjoy the two of us balancing things on our chins.
Could the producers be trying to give us a hint that your exit is coming soon?
Dave: Well bowl me over, another second-place finish! Trouble is, this leg you admitted to being tired and talked about how the race was wearing on you (which both Steve and I have been noticing for some time now). I’m not surprised, but it still leads me to believe that first place probably isn’t in the cards. I also wonder why they showed that scene of the map fight, since until now you have seemed to get along pretty well. Could the producers be trying to give us a hint that your exit is coming soon? I hope not, but in any event you have done yourselves proud. During this pit stop it’s time to bite the bullet and tell Colin & Christie that you were going to “Yield” them as well. Take some of the heat off of the team that actually did the deed!

STEVE & DAVE’S RATING:
4th
Fourth Place; 2 Free Game coupons at Barney’s Bowl-o-Rama; and a buy one, get one free coupon to Pizza Hut.


Brandon/Nicole:

Dave: This was kind of a dull leg for these two. They started in third, and ended up in third. They completed their tasks with no major difficulties, and were pretty bland overall. I’ll give them credit for getting off the bus and snagging a taxi – apparently they’ve learned a few tricks over the course of the race. Of course, snagging a taxi whose driver wasn’t familiar with your destination wasn’t real bright. You two should also step up to the plate and admit that if nobody else had done it, you would have dropped the Yield on C&C. Heck, you can even couch it in terms of how good they are as racers and how you don’t think you can beat them. That should get Colin’s head nice and swelled right before it blows up when you add the fact that you just don’t like them.
These two are well-versed in mud.
Steve: A quiet leg where the folks at customs might have had a hand in the spacing out of Manila. These two are well-versed in mud. In fact, this edition of the Amazing Race is quite dirty, Colin’s epithets not withstanding. Brandon handled the ladder climb and girder walk fairly handily, almost enough to convince me he is fearless. But the odd happy dance in the boat on the way back to the harbor means he still had issues.

STEVE & DAVE’S RATING:
3rd
Third Place, $3.16, and a half-off coupon for the Hair Cuttery.


Colin/Christie:

Steve: In the event a team has broken equipment, a new ox will be provided but no time allowances will be made. Did you know that you could lead a cow up stairs but not down? Did you know a burst blood vessel in the brain is fatal? DID YOU KNOW YOU WERE GOING TO BE ON TV? Simma donna. And Christie, you actress you, how did you keep a straight face through that? Do you feel even slightly vindicated, or is the trip to Dr. Melfi still on?
How could a team do that to us – get themselves into first while we came in last? Oh wait…that’s the whole point to the race.
Dave: Colin, I know exactly how you feel! On the leg we were eliminated, we discovered that our so-called “friends,” Millie & Chuck, had actually done the Fast Forward on that leg!!! How could a team do that to us – get themselves into first while we came in last? Oh wait…that’s the whole point to the race. Get over it, dude. How many times have you two trodden on an “alliance” member and advanced yourselves while they finished somewhere behind you? Think about it now – I can remember many times where you two bought the last tickets on the earliest bus, or got the last seats on an earlier flight, or taken a flight that you didn’t tell the others about, and on, and on, and on… Now that you have seen the episode, I hope you realize that the other teams were lining up to drop the Yield on you two. I also hope that one of the two teams that didn’t use it on you last time decides that it might be a good idea to do so on the upcoming leg. Here’s some advice for Christie – you may have won some beauty contest, but that doesn’t preclude you from walking in mud while on The Amazing Race. Just as Brandon and Nicole deserved to be eliminated when they wouldn’t shave their heads, you two deserved elimination because you didn’t want to get muddy. Did I detect two minor rules violations from these two this leg? First they didn’t use the winch to lower the flag on the boat (Colin just pulled the rope), and second they never actually plowed the rope with the clue up from the field – Christie just found it with her feet. Of course, maybe the producers will cut them some slack on the last one since they did have a broken ox. We’ll probably never find out whether they were penalized, since the infractions didn’t result in a change of team placement, but if Colin starts the leg off in a pissy mood (well, pissier than normal), you will know why.

STEVE & DAVE’S RATING:
2nd
Second Place, $103.58, and a guest appearance on the “Dr. Phil” show.




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