Amazing Race Rants

Amazing Race Rant - Episode 12

They might have considered giving him a new Pope-mobile Jeepney instead.

“And in the center of Manila, the Coconut palace built as a tribute to Pope John Paul II” … Phil … not sure anyone could take the Pope seriously, ruling from his Coconut Palace. They might have considered giving him a new Pope-mobile Jeepney instead.

“I’m not kidding. You can get it from him. You’re not going to get it from me” … Christie on Chip hugging … given Chip’s record, that’s probably not the arrangement he was hoping for.

“My hope and prayer is that Colin and Christie will not have enough money to finish this leg of the race” … Kim … not sure that you can actually use a prayer to wish poverty on someone, but God does work in mysterious ways.

“I’m a good sport. This should easily get you guys to the airport” … restaurant guy … if being a good sport means handing over money to crazy strangers in a restaurant, it’s the bad sport life for me.

“It just so happens that I have 20 dollars in my pocket. Do you want to kiss me?” … 2nd restaurant guy … just waiting for him to flash a badge and then it’s a quick trip for Christie and Colin to the night court pitstop.

“This race is starting to turn serious” … Chip … it’s starting to turn serious? Did Chip just re-read the rule book and find out about the $1 million prize, or did he suddenly figure out that teams haven’t been mysteriously disappearing after all?

“Chip time is over. Now is Kim time. Go for the jugular” … Chip … she’s bound to have some strength saved up from all those roadblocks she didn’t do.

“It frustrates me that Brandon is so I’m just glad to be here, blah blah blah. I’m didn’t do this race to be third. I want to be first” … Nicole … kind of puts her out of the running for Ms. Congeniality doesn’t it.

“The team that we’ve helped out the most in this race is the team that caused us to be in last place” … Colin … but would that team be Chip and Kim, you and Christie, or the farmer and his ox?

“Revenge would be sweet” … Colin … Colin wanting to win is dangerous. Colin wanting revenge will probably lead to criminal charges.
God might be getting a little ticked at these doggone short-order prayers.
“My hopes and prayers are that Colin and Christie will have to take the 2nd charter, because he’s too doggone physical” … Kim … prayers for no money, prayers for later flights. God might be getting a little ticked at these doggone short-order prayers.

“If this is the flag, we may act like it’s wrong. Hey, that’s how you play the game” … Chip/Kim … maybe, but there is also an element of actually racing and doing stuff, too.

“This is the first time I’ve seen Chip face to face since he lied to me” … Brandon … Brandon certainly doesn’t forget a wrong done to him … even those that happened all of 5 minutes ago.

“What Chip did is fine if that’s how he wants to play the game. That’s just not our style” … Brandon … true enough. They kind of lean towards the sneaking around and broken alliances style or racing.

“Hey, Chip. Beat it” … Brandon … I admit that doesn’t sound threatening, but coming from Brandon, that is one step shy of a savage clam beating.

“Have vertigo. Don’t go. What’s vertigo? I don’t know” … Brandon/Nicole … their vocabulary is a bit weak but check out that poetic rhyme. They’ll need a dictionary to get up to a decent Haiku level, though.

“There’s no excuse for this. Every other place we’ve had guide books. It’s our own fault” … Colin … probably might have helped to look up the flag poles over the last day and a half, too.

“The ocean is my element. Flags are not. Too bad I’m an ignorant American” … Colin … took a while to learn that lesson. Being nearly tossed in jail brings no insight, but get a flag wrong and poof, instant revelation.

“We’re just hoping when we get to the other side, we won’t have to do anything too physically extreme” … Kim … yeah. It’s probably one of those lying around and have a drink kind of clue stations that have been so prominent in the race.

“Have vertigo. Don’t go. What’s vertigo? I don’t know” … Linda/Karen … Amazing Race déjà vu poetry. Nothing quite like it. Bring on the scarabs.

“God, do we have to climb up there?” … Chip … I’m not sure about God’s take on it, but the producers are probably saying yes.

“You can do it” … Kim … words of encouragement or passing the buck? You decide.

“Use those muscles. You sexy thing” … Nicole … to a committed Christian such as Brandon, this may serve more as a distraction than helpful support. Can’t be easy hearing that while climbing a rope.

“Does there have to be a clue in there? Yes” … Colin/Christie on the clams … I guess there doesn’t have to be a clue in there but it would be a radical departure from the whole “find a clue to go somewhere else” aspect of the show.

“I don’t think he has the rhythm down right” … Kim … going out on a limb here but Chip could have Travolta’s moves and I imagine he’d still be having a tough go at it.

“I feel bad. I don’t do anything. I won’t feel so bad when I have that cheque in my hands” … Nicole … kind of sums of modeling in a nutshell, doesn’t it?

“I’m going to give you your clue. You should read it down there, okay?” … rope guide to Brandon … awww. But I really wanted to take my hands off this rope 150 feet in the air to read the clue.

“There’s nobody else I rather be here with right now than you” … Christie … kind words that mean “I’m happy you’re here so I don’t have to climb up this cliff myself.”

“There’s a little something called karma. And what comes around, goes around. He will get it” … Christie on Chip … and in that spirit, there are some almost-run-over pedestrians who would like to have a few words with Christie.

“If the Lord has it in mind for Nicky and me to win the prize, then no one is going to stop us” … Brandon … nothing like doing a little name dropping to psyche out the competition, and that’s a pretty big name.

“It’s on like Donkey Kong, baby” … Chip … in a desperate back-up plan, Chip tries to secure a post race Nintendo endorsement deal. He’d make a pretty impressive Donkey Kong.

“We’re really trusting in the will of God. That’s the biggest advantage we have” … Brandon … whereas the other teams have to rely on pitiful things like talent and speed.

“Christie and I do a lot of extreme sports. We’re not scared of anything” … Colin … well except for maybe ox-farming or a flags of the world quiz.

“We had no idea this leg would be in a cold climate. Mentally we’re haven’t prepared for and physically we’re definitely not ready for it” … Kim … apparently the Russian leg was forgotten pretty quickly. Maybe they should have spent a little time on that 15 hour flight from Manila to consider “What if Calgary in winter is cold?”

“It’s pretty little oxygen up here, baby” … Colin … there is just barely enough for me to scream at you with.

“Picture Jesus up there. Like he has his arms wide open and you’re running to him” … Brandon … probably would help Nikki more if he was also holding a million dollar cheque. Hopefully, she will stop short of running into the light if she sees it.

“I see Colin. He’s, like, doing the somersaults. It’s like he’s spitting in our faces” … Kim … I can’t understand why he is so bitter towards us. Maybe a few prayers for his cab to break down would help

“Baby, I can’t even put my foot down” … Nicole on the bike … don’t worry, Nicole. Putting your feet down would only slow you down, anyway.

“It’s time to fly to your final destination city, Dallas, Texas, back in the United States” … Colin … nice to see the producers foresaw the diminished “smarts” of the teams and let them know that Dallas, Texas was indeed in the United States.

“Oh my God, that was so easy. Why did we ever do the bikes?” … Brandon/Nicole … because you got mad at me, you forced me, you nagged me … which answer sounds best?

“I love Nikki and I love being with her, but I’m not sure yet. I don’t have peace that this is right” … Brandon … sadly, that peace can be obtained for the low, low price of one million dollars

“Just chillin’ like a villain” … Chip … apparently aside from eating, sleeping, and mingling with the other teams, Chip has been working on these rhymes during the pit stops.

“Colin is off his game. The old Colin would have had tickets booked on several different flights” … Chip … but Chip is definitely on his game. Those luge crashes … pure strategy.

“The maze was so stressful. They may be more logical than us” … Kim/Chip … hard to be more logical than the “wander around the maze till we’re dizzy and lost” technique of Chip and Kim.

“We love everybody. We just love each and all of you guys to death” … Kim … with the notable absence of Colin and Christie.

“There so much I’m taking away from this experience” … Colin … including a criminal record in Tanzania and a greater knowledge of FAA flying regulations.

“I’m so thankful for Nikki. A girl who can look on the bright side of things” … Brandon … which will probably last at least until the cameras are off.


The band greeting the charter plane … playing a welcoming local tune or an attempt to rouse the island spirits to kick some racer butt?

Nicole has trouble spotting flags but can pick out a Baptist church at 300 yards.

You spend two days in a country’s capital passing government buildings, an airport, and a hotel, yet somehow manage to miss the national flag. I guess by now all country flags are just red and gold to the racers.

Nice to see Brandon got to live out his secret dream of being a pirate by using his binoculars like a telescope.
Nothing brings the exotic and tropical nature of the Philippines to life like a seabed full of fake looking giant clams.
Nothing brings the exotic and tropical nature of the Philippines to life like a seabed full of fake looking giant clams.

If the teams take nothing else away from this race, I hope if they ever find themselves in Equatorial Guinea, that green flag they went to first will look surprisingly familiar

I can only interpret Chip’s slow start on the rope climbing as an initial attempt to try and pull the cliff down rather than climb up it. What the hell … might as well try bringing the mountain to Mohammed first.

Luckily my TV is tall enough, or I don’t think I would have been able to see the Brandon rope climbing spotlight and the Chip one, all on the same screen

Apparently since the ocean is Colin’s element, that probably explains why he chose to tip his kayak over to begin with.

I’m not an expert on international travel but did it seem far easier to travel from Manila to Calgary than to go from Calgary to Denver or Dallas?

It’s nice to know that whenever I need to see God, he can easily be found on CBS in the form of a blue sky with blowing clouds.

Travel tip: If you are planning a trip around the world, be sure to pack along a warm hat so you don’t end up having to wear a giant maple leaf on your head.
I can only assume that Chip, Kim, and Brandon bought those Canada hats just in case another national flag quiz came up.
I can only assume that Chip, Kim, and Brandon bought those Canada hats just in case another national flag quiz came up. I’m still not convinced that they would get it right … but the odds are better.

Apparently the phrase “it just like riding a bike, you never forget” didn’t really apply to Nicole in this case.

Wouldn’t you think it would be more dangerous to piggy back down a snowy hill than ride a bike with brakes.

After two luge crashes, will Kim ever let Chip drive anything again?

I realize that Colin and Christie have a lot of excess baggage … but I wouldn’t have thought that would be what beat them.

Was anyone worried that Colin was going to dump Christie when he found a new soul mate in his crazy Dallas driver?

Win, lose, or draw, was there any doubt that Chip would find some way to get one final hug in with the twins?