Amazing Race Rants

Amazing Race Rant - Episode 9

Thus far they have succeeded in defeating a far tougher obstacle … themselves.

“Will Kami and Karli be defeated by this obstacle or will they beat the odds and stay in the race?” … Phil … no problem. Thus far they have succeeded in defeating a far tougher obstacle … themselves.

“Watch out for camels” … Christie … she’s right to be worried. These sand dunes are notorious for their lack of camel crossing signs.

“Colin has a weakness for losing his temper pretty fast” … Christie …news to me. Maybe in upcoming shows we’ll get to see examples of this behaviour

“When he’s frustrated, we actually end up making mistakes and that will definitely hurt us in the race” … Christie … not to mention those annoying court trials and bothersome prison terms.

“They have those church things everywhere. What church things? What do they call them, mosques or something? They’re on every corner. It’s like Starbucks here” … Nicole/Brandon …a few more comments like that and I smell a jihad coming on. Still, if you can handle praying several times a day, those mosques probably make a mean iced caffè latte.

“The Amazing Race has given us the honeymoon we never had” … Kim … normally you would equate terms like Detours and Roadblocks with a good honeymoon? Sounds a little kinky, but to each his own.

“He said that way. Blind faith, ya know” … Brandon … then again Moses had blind faith, too, and didn’t have much luck in the desert, either.

“Because we have no money, we are so going to manipulate people” … Kami … and this time it’s not just for fun. Pity the poor person who stands between a twin and a dollar.

“I will sing you a song for money. I will massage your shoulders” … Karli … and I will wire money to the CBS editor to get the out-takes. Coming soon to video: Twins Gone Wild – Dubai Style.

“We are going to use whatever sexual gifts God gave us” … Kami … I know God tries to make everybody special, but this is the talent list you just never hear God bragging about.

“Chip and I want Colin and Christie to self-destruct” … Kim … It will probably happen but I can only hope that CBS has police and lawyer crews on standby for all future legs, to handle the post-explosion clean-up. Maybe if Mirna’s not busy ….

“We have to make Colin overconfident so that he’ll try to impress the others and Christie and make a mistake” … Chip … the plan is sort of working. Colin is so overconfident that he keeps on winning the legs. He probably thinks he can win the whole thing, too. Silly Colin.
However, when a pair of twins asks you this question after midnight, you know your night is going to take an interesting turn.
“Do you know where the Wild Wadi is?” … Kami … I didn’t think they could say that on the air. However, when a pair of twins asks you this question after midnight, you know your night is going to take an interesting turn.

“Twins” … unknown guy … and so begins another letter to Playboy.

“I know some people” … taxi driver to Bowling Moms … by coincidence, one just happens to be a police chief in Tanzania and he’s looking to kick some racer butt.

“The security guy was going to take me some office. I didn’t want to go to that office” … Linda …I don’t blame her. Those offices are notorious for “disappearing” Bowling Moms. They’ll end up renting shoes at the Dubai Oasis Bowlerama

“The remainder of the teams made it on a plane that is going to get in before ours but this is a chance for a miracle to happen” … Chip … once again, God is called in to help out. Next season, he should just start co-hosting with Phil.

“I’m not making fun of it. Everybody was going to talk about how ugly Calcutta was and I didn’t want to talk about how ugly it was” … Colin … yes, I’d rather give the folks at home a chance to see me at my jerkiest. Mission accomplished.

“The women always look so nice. It’s incredible” … Linda … the ladies did look colourful but that peasant beige and grey the men were wearing is so passé. Queer Eye for the Indian Guy … a possible spin-off?

“Sahid Minar. Will you show us? Will you walk us there?” … Kami … a nice manipulation technique from the twins. They stopped one step short of putting on a leash and doing a tour of the park.

“They did it in one big blob. I did it in four” … Colin on brick making … in other words, they did it in one big correct way, I did it in four little wrong ways

“Smash it so there is no air. Like you are making bread” … Linda … effective but that must be one angry and violent kitchen back home. Making cookies must be a bloodbath.

“You’re killing me. You know that” … Colin to Christie … I have a funny feeling that this was actually the plan all along.

“Ask, watch, do something. You can’t just keep making them wrong” … Nicole … but it’s so much easier that way.

“Artisans at work here” … Colin … and in one bold statement, the respect given to all artisans has just been taken down a big peg.

“My Grandfather did this for 40 years. Big Lou. This is dedicated to you, Lou” … Chip … of course Lou might appreciate the dedication more if the bricks were good, but it’s a nice gesture all the same.

“You know I could that a lot better than you” … Kami … identical genetically, yet one twin possesses the dormant skill of mud brick making.

“I need rubles, please” … Linda … or a currency guide. Not a problem though. You just need to go to that counter over there, about 3000 miles north to Moscow. You can’t miss it.

“That guy just grabbed me. I’ll bust his ass” … Christie/Colin … what we didn’t get to see was the train riot that followed once someone tried to grab Colin’s ass.

“It’s a cake. It’s batter. You’ve got to “ … Karli … if this is how they make a cake back home, I’m scratching “Have a homemade desert with the twins” off my to-do list.

“Good idea. Kami is watching a professional” … Karli … beats all those amateur brick makers they’ve been watching up to now.

“Shaving our heads. That’s a little over the top” … Brandon … more like off the top …plus off the sides and round back, too. For you, sir, nothing but the whole magilla.
God blessed him with a fabulous hair style … a curse that only Brandon and Jennifer Anniston know.
“Brandon and I are in the modeling industry and his hair is what sells for him” … Nicole … God blessed him with a fabulous hair style … a curse that only Brandon and Jennifer Anniston know.

“My hair would grow back, but I wouldn’t let anybody cut Nikki’s beautiful head of hair” … Brandon … a race is a race, but a bald girlfriend … that’s where he draws the line.

“Damn it, I’m mad. I would hate to be eliminated because I’m stupid” … Linda … Don’t worry. I pick missed flights as a Mom style of elimination. I can’t imagine who would get eliminated for being stupid, though.

“Linda has just been whining. And I just want her to be quiet” … Karen … Karen’s inner monologue seems to be very much in touch with the normal viewer.

“Colin has one flaw, and that is he needs his ego stroked” … Chip … Chip also has one flaw … underestimating the number of flaws Colin has.

“Kim and I are trying to build up his ego so that he’ll make a mistake” … Chip … good plan, but I’m not sure how much more room there is left to inflate Colin’s ego. Must be pretty crowded in there already.

“Colin is going to beat himself but we are going to facilitate that for him” … Chip … I suppose if you are going to lose, it’s nice to have friends around to help you along.

“I’ll drive this bitch” … Colin to the engine-less cab … irresistible force meet immovable object. Not sure which is which yet

“He put his big old butt in the car and made me push. Can you believe he made his woman do something like that” … Kim … not sure if the crowd was too thrilled to see the 200lb+ Chip get behind the wheel either.

“It was built more than 80 years ago as a tribute to England s Queen Victoria” … Phil … as opposed to all those modern English colonial monuments that India has been erecting everywhere.

“I’m like being stared at in every which direction. It’s freaking me out” … Nicole … what a culture shock. This must be so much different than her life as a model.

“Brandon help me. Lord help her” … Nicole/Brandon … sacrificing his girlfriend to a rush hour train mob. I’m not sure if even God can bail Brandon out of Nikki’s imminent wraith.

“They love this. We love this” … Kami on the pushing taxi crowd … in the twins’ world, the people of Calcutta all share a forbidden love … that of pushing American tourists around in engine-less cars. And money is easy to come by, too.

“Oh my God. That was so sweet” … Kami/Karli … from shameless hustlers to redeemed souls. Is this a moral awakening for the twins? Nah.

“C’mon. Chip and Kim are right behind us” … Colin … and if he’s worrying about losing to Chip and Kim in a sprint, Colin has not gotten too overconfident yet.

“Today’s been nuts. We weren’t expecting to have to shave our heads. That kind of ruined it all for us” … Brandon … isn’t that always the way. You’re having a perfectly fun time and then boom, one head shaving, and the day is ruined

“I have a sweet boyfriend. That’s all that matters” … Nicole … and the hair. Don’t forget the hair.

“We had no hope. We were hopeless” … Brandon … well, you got at least half of that right.

“I don’t even care that I have no money. That’s the least of my concerns right now” … Brandon … if being broke in Calcutta is the least concern, just what ranks higher. Brick mud under the fingernails? Lack of quality hair conditioners?

“I can see the Lord really want us in this game” … Nicole … well it certainly proves that God really does have a sense of humour


With the amount of money the twins handed over, you have to figure they have been running off camera scams all over the world. Are they racing or just on the run?
With the amount of money the twins handed over, you have to figure they have been running off camera scams all over the world.
With the twins’ money making skills, can a stint on the Apprentice be far off? Who would Trump fire first ?

Poor twins. When a guy gives you money just so you won’t give him a hug or sing a song, it can’t do much for the old ego. Luckily, twin power is oblivious to such slights.

Nice to see CBS broke out the sexy music for the twins’ hunt for money. Added a nice little soft porn quality to the show … like you’re watching FOX.

Did anyone else think that Chip was just an inch shy of getting stuck on the slide. Now that would be a roadblock.

Flying from Dubai to Mumbai. I’m surprised the airlines didn’t slip a Buh Bye in for good measure

The brothers may be long gone, but it seems they left their pizza t-shirts behind for Chip to wear. Kami could probably wear one as an evening gown.

Another town, another taxi flat tire. The CBS road spiking crew strikes again.

Why show the damn yield if no one is going to use it. Here’s a reminder of a game twist that went completely ignored.

Making 20 bricks in a couple of hours. At that rate, the racers will set back third world development about 30 years.

Another cab, another chance to play “Modes of transportation” sounds with your cab driver.

The Bowling Moms are blocked by having no local currency to spend at the train station. In a related story, on the other side of the world, Jim and Marsha are laughing their asses off.
When deciding whether to shave his head, Brandon turned to the bible and asked himself “What would Samson do?”
When deciding whether to shave his head, Brandon turned to the bible and asked himself “What would Samson do?”

The Brandon Prayer in the cab was nice, but given the environment, throwing in a Hindi chant or two probably couldn’t have hurt either.

Every team on the train gets herded in like cattle and somehow the twins swing a private sit down cabin. Just how much money did they earn in Dubai and what aren’t we seeing?

Two cabs left in the street, and the twins’ logic forces them to choose the one at the back.

The racers pull in to a garage with no engine and get in right away and yet I’ll still have to wait half and hour before being seen to get an oil change. Something is wrong here.

They’ve now given out trips to Exotic Latin America, the Exotic Caribbean, and Exotic Mexico. They have to be running out of exotic locations. Can Exotic Yuma or Omaha be too far behind?

Talk about this story.