Amazing Race Rants

Amazing Race Rant - Episode 8


"This is Tanzania, where people still live harmoniously with some of the world's most majestic and ferocious animals" … Phil … kind of says something that the people get along with rhinos and lions, but they have trouble dealing with the racers.

"Whatever you give out, it will come back to you. That's just my philosophy" … Chip … probably why Chip's career as a bank loan officer was cut dramatically short.

"Brandon and I need to work on being more aggressive" … Nicole … enough of this pacifist throwing of money on the ground. They need to get mean.

"We need to slow down. The teams in the lead aren't the quick ones. They're the ones that slow down, analyze the clue, and then work accordingly." … Kami … while racing to the airport in a taxi, the twins adopt the "slow down" strategy. Good idea, bad timing.

"Hey man. I'm not paying you if they pass us" … Colin … the plan: either this will encourage the driver to go faster or we'll be enjoying a nice walk after he kicks us out of the cab.

"We're driving with a doughnut on the front of the car. Very bad. Very bad" … Colin to driver … Did anyone else expect him to roll up a newspaper and swat the guy on the nose?

"He has no spare tire so we need your guy's spare tire" … Colin to Karli … in Colin speak, I think that's about as close to a "please" as you're going to get. Almost too polite for him.

"We don't think Colin would have pulled over to give us his spare tire" … Karli … a safe bet. I'd give Colin even odds that he would have got out and slashed your remaining tires, too.
Funny when I think of God smiting his enemies, I don't see the Bowling Moms at the top his list.
"We're not stopping again. This is God thanking us for giving our spare tire away and I don't feel guilty" … Kami … just how many teams is God working for? Funny when I think of God smiting his enemies, I don't see the Bowling Moms at the top his list.

"That's what you get for driving so fast" … Colin to Linda … and a bowling ball upside the head is what you get for being a smart-ass.

"We should pay our guy" … Brandon … he certainly doesn't miss the details. Call it a moral choice, but yeah, I think paying the cab driver might just be the right thing to do.

"Nikki, understand. For them, this might be sending them on a new way of life, this much money" … Chip to Nikki … so I'm broke on national television but the anonymous cab driver has paid off his mortgage. Kind of a crappy karma.

"Nikki, I agree. I think you just need to chill out about the money" … Brandon to Nikki … does telling an irate person to chill out ever really work? Brandon might want to keep that bible handy.

"You need to watch your money but don't let money guide your emotions in a negative way" … Chip … I think it's the lack of money that is actually guiding Nicole's negative emotions.

"I see us getting raped for money" … Nicole … she's been taking dramatic storytelling lessons from Mirna, I see.

"How much do you think they would have charged us if we weren't American?" … Nicole … a bit of apples and oranges here. How many non-Americans does she think would be making the two-hour cab ride between the airport and Mto Wa Mbu?

"You can bring any policeman you want down here. You can bring the President of your country down here and I'll be glad to talk to them." … Colin … an important thing to keep in mind, though, is if they came, would they be glad to talk to you at 5am?

"Do you speak English. Yes. Do you know how to speak Swahili?" … Colin and desk cop … and the game of one upmanship begins. You have to know the desk cop was probably throwing out a few good Swahili insults at Colin.
Taking the advice of lawyers Timon and Pumba, Colin opts for the famous Lion King defense.
"I'm ready to pay 50 dollars. No problem. Hakuna Matata" … Colin … taking the advice of lawyers Timon and Pumba, Colin opts for the famous Lion King defense.

"This would be so much easier if you weren't making this so difficult" … Colin to Christie … she's impressive. Standing there and saying nothing, yet deep down, she is the puppet master behind this whole situation. Can I have some of what Colin is smoking, please?

"There's no contract. There's no contract. THERE'S NO CONTRACT!" … Colin … with a quick police rebuttal of "You're going to jail. You're going to jail. YOU'RE GOING TO JAIL!"

"Oh, it's really funny" … Colin to laughing gate guard … actually it is kind of funny. Not as funny as picturing Colin as some big Tanzanian convict's girlfriend, but funny all the same.

"Christie frustrated me. Whether I was right or wrong, I wanted her to support me" … Colin … and in this case, support might come down to learning how to bake a cake with a file in it.

"I would have won but Christie was freaking out" … Colin to group … yeah, it looked like Colin was well on his way to winning … winning an exotic vacation on a Tanzanian chain gang.

"We need to get on that flight. Okay. You'll do it? No" … Linda and attendant … it seems to be the law of the airports. If you're a Bowling Mom, you'll never get the good flight.

"How much? Free?" … Chip to cab driver … Chip's philosophy is holding true. Unfortunately, in this case giving out nothing, gets back nothing.

"Literally we saw a clue box right there. The cab driver would not listen to me" … Kami … silly cab driver. Probably gets plenty of tourists who say they want to go to the hotel but really just want to go to the grassy sidewalk across the street.

"We're about to get really high, too" … Brandon … he won't drink alcohol but throws out potentially double meaning lines like that. God is getting his lightning bolt ready.

"We see the meter ticking away and all the while I don't have the ability to pay this man" … Chip … and leave it to those serious cab drivers to be the only people that probably won't see the humour in that situation. They're just not a giving lot.

"It could be the wrong thing. Just because we see a flag" … Kami … the twins' strategy did say to analyze the clues better. It contained nothing about following any flags.

"I made so many bad choices by going quickly so I just wanted to be sure" … Kami … well at least now you're sure and you can add one more bad choice to the list.
He and Charla need to get together for some charades.
"We need to go to the airport. Rrrrrrrr" … Brandon … probably a good assumption that if your driver doesn't know where he's going by now, plane sounds aren't really going to help matters much. He and Charla need to get together for some charades.

"We'll be fine, Karen. If we roll, we roll" … Linda … kind of falls short of that soothing motherly reassurance she was hoping for.

"We hugged about it and I firmly believe it's because that I put something out in the world and that's given back to me" … Chip … and it does have a nicer ring to it than "I tipped the guy a 20 in Tanzania so now I have to stiff you."

"Is this 4 wheel drive?" … Linda … you know, the sand dune drivers were thinking about getting a 4 wheel drive, but decided to go for the sunroof and window defroster instead.

"I could see the ground and the other teams. That was the worst part. The waiting" … Brandon … of course, having some guy strapped to my girlfriend's back is a bit of downer, too, but waiting is no fun either.

"Let's go donkey" … Brandon to the camel… either the sun is getting to him or Brandon is having a Shrek moment. Surprised the camel didn't spit in his face for that one.

"Faster and never stop. C'mon man. I hope this isn't how slow you go all the time" … Colin … walking in the desert is for wimps. I'm sure it's the normal course of business for this guy to have a nice daily jog with his camel around the sand dunes.

"As the winners of this 8th leg of the race, you've won a vacation to the sunny Caribbean" … Phil … great timing. After a good day wandering around the Dubai desert, nothing beats winning a nice trip to the sunny Caribbean

"I have a problem with stressing out. Fearing we're in last place. Sometimes it backfires on me. I should have never been angry at him" … Christie … I really really hope that it's just the heat stroke talking. Someone get her a doctor before she starts saying the cab driver and police shouldn't be mad either.

"It's just like a compass. Just follow the arrows, right?" … Kami … they had trouble interpreting flags and now they have to use a GPS? And the twins were never seen again.

"We can do this. We can finish this race. We can win" … Linda … we just can't catch a flight on time, is all.

"We're resourceful. We're young and cute. We'll figure out something" … Kami … Kami and Karli, prepare for your new lives as wives #5 & 6 at the Dubai oasis.

"We are so going to lie to people. That's the only way we're going to survive" … Karli … notice how that "be nice and truthful" idea never even saw the light of day.

"And which team will pursue the fast forward only to learn that they'll have to cut off all their hair?" … Phil … ironically it will turn out to be Chip.


If Mirna and Charla and the Moms were more observant, they could have done the whole Dubai thing early and had a good day and half lead.

Will Colin ever get into a cab again and not check the tires to see if it's a spare?

Congrats to Brandon for being the only one to mispronounce Dubai.

In the middle of the Tanzanian wilderness, it only takes 10 minutes for the Moms to get a new cab. That beats most of the industrialized cities in the world.

Relationship tip for Brandon: if someone says your girlfriend is wrong, try not to publicly agree with them. If pre-marital sex was a no-go before, it's gone for good now.
Say what you want about the effectiveness of the Tanzanian police force, but the purple shirt uniforms of their police chiefs are very stylish.
Without Mirna around, it is only natural that Colin is on the rebound, seeking out a new enemy. It's unfortunate that he chose the police force of Tanzania as his new nemesis.

Say what you want about the effectiveness of the Tanzanian police force, but the purple shirt uniforms of their police chiefs are very stylish. It says "you're going to jail" but in a friendly tropical way.

Travel tip #1: if you are in a hurry to be arrested, follow Colin's simple rules
  1. If you're not getting your way, make sure the officers wake the chief of police and have him come down to the station to meet you.
  2. If peaceful talking is not working, just start yelling at the chief of police.
  3. For good measure, try ignoring the chief's orders to re-enter the building.
  4. And for the icing on the cake, just throw money at the police and leave.
I was waiting for the Chief to hand Colin his next clue. Roadblock "Who likes hard labour?"

Colin vs. a Tanzanian Judge Judy. Now that would make for good TV.

Colin's police strategy: A quick deportation order from Tanzania might land him an early police flight to Dubai.

Should the twins have charged Colin with the theft of their spare tire?

Memories of Uruguay … the next clue is across the street from a hotel. I was half expecting the twins to go into the hotel and join Mirna and Charla at the casino.

It takes a twisted sense of humour and irony to have teams camp out in front of a fabulous hotel but not be able to afford to stay there. That damn neon glow would keep me up all night.

I'm starting to think to win this race, all you really need is a cab driver with a lead foot, no fear, and a loose interpretation of driving laws.

Is it more surprising that:
  • Brandon's cab driver didn't have any change for him.
  • Brandon believed that a cab driver has no bills smaller than a $20.

Multiple Choice question: Chip got away with stiffing his driver $10 because
  1. His "give a lot and you'll get a lot" philosophy really works.
  2. He had 6 inches and 100 pounds on the driver and the hug scared him to death.
  3. He's in the middle of the desert with no airport cops or police stations in sight.

Kind of takes away the mystique and challenge of having to use a GPS system when they boil it down to "Just follow the arrows." Still, I was scared for the twins.

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