The ATC Report

In Control, Leg 6

We’re still going to mock you because that’s our job, but we have found someone who is far more despicable, unlikable, unfriendly, nasty, and deplorable than you.
Never in our wildest dreams could we have imagined that there could be someone on TAR5 who would make Alison look bearable. We were wrong. Alison – if you are reading this, we apologize. We’re still going to mock you because that’s our job, but we have found someone who is far more despicable, unlikable, unfriendly, nasty, and deplorable than you. (And no Al, we aren’t talking about you or Jon or even clowns in general.)

In fact, we have decided to crown Mirna as the all-time most hate-able reality contestant ever. Richard Hatch? Ha! A pretender if ever there was one. The Guidos? No way – anybody who has a dog as cute as Guido isn’t all that bad. Florinka? Don’t make us laugh – she was just whiney (and we like her in person). Al, of the clowns? For some reason, everyone liked him (we called him Pennywise – for all you Stephen King fans). Johnny Fairplay? Former leader of the pack, now just a self-promoting has-been.

She lies, she aggrandizes herself, she holds every other team to a standard that she doesn’t even try to live up to, she whines that no one will help her while she does nothing to help anyone else, she hurls accusations of misconduct for every imagined slight, and she makes Steve and Dave ill by her continued presence on TAR. At some point in time, we hope you get the idea that we really don’t like her. In fact, we’re even starting to dislike Charla, simply because of her continued association with Mirna, but only half as much. Snort.

Elsewhere on the leg we finally saw some personality out of Colin and Christie. OK, we admit – we made that part up. These two seem to be excellent racers, but they sure don’t do much to stand out. We suggest that Colin actually grab Mirna and toss her from the cab next time – now THAT we would remember.

What’s up with Colin/Christie and Brandon/Nicole? Why do the women on those two teams always seem to be doing the dirty work? Both women were “elected” to eat the kilo of caviar, and in this episode both of the women had to walk and pull the donkey while their significant others rode!

Who else noticed the “quote of the week”? “That scarab will probably be in the last place we look.” No kidding. We generally tend to continue to look for things once we’ve found them.

Anyhow, here are the ratings for this week. The categories and icons are: Urge To Punch Mirna (The Glove icon), Urge To Shoot Mirna (The Gun icon), Urge To Turn Mirna Into A Shadow On The Sidewalk (The Nuke icon).

Colin/Christie:

Dave: Boy, did these two get shafted (pun intended) by the “Hours Of Operation” at the Great Pyramid. A seven-hour lead cut to 30 minutes just like that. Still somehow these two managed to grab the lead for the third time in four legs. Here’s a word of advice – next time Mirna tries to steal your cab, just take your stuff out of the trunk and let her have the cab. Of course, she’ll get to pay for your previous ride in it since you haven’t done so yet, but hey – it’s HER cab, right? And while you’re at it, if you plan on throwing another hip-check Mirna’s way, you might want to study film of any of the early 70s Philadelphia Flyers teams. She was still standing after the last one you threw. Oh, by the way – a “scarab” is a car made by Volkswagen.
Colin, never argue with an idiot, folks may not be able to tell the difference.
Steve: Colin, never argue with an idiot, folks may not be able to tell the difference. I can’t help but think the so-called “Hours of Operation” is a tool the producers use to adjust the legs to accommodate the necessary bunching. Which makes The Amazing Race not unlike playing golf. Each hole/leg is a separate entity. And you’re only as good as your driver. And you can win a million dollars for first place. And the faster you are out of the sand trap the better. You don’t have to be good at it to enjoy it. OK, I’ll stop.

STEVE & DAVE’S RATINGS:

Gloves Gloves Gloves Gloves
4 GLOVES

 Uzi Uzi Uzi Uzi
4 UZIS

NukeNukeNukeNuke
4 NUKES


Chip/Kim:

Steve: How can you not like these two? I understand the producers WANT conflict and that’s why they hire the jerks. But in the end we always root for the folks just like Chip and Kim. Maybe one day the non-jerks will win. Did anyone beside me think that Kim was doing a Chevy Chase impression while crossing the Nile? Chip is raving about the river and Kim is saying, “Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. Off to Wally World.” And for future reference – a “scarab” is a type of cloud.
Maybe one day the non-jerks will win.
Dave: Kim! I finally figured out who Chip’s partner was. It’s KIM. One thing that did give me pause to wonder was Chip’s reaction to their cab driver’s traffic moves. That’s the kind of stuff any Chicagoan sees every time they hop into a cab. All in all, these two continue to impress me each week. They are having fun, enjoying the world they are seeing, and doing pretty well in the race. I hope they keep it up – all the way to a first place finish.

STEVE & DAVE’S RATINGS:

 Gloves Gloves Gloves Gloves
4 GLOVES

 Uzi Uzi Uzi Uzi
4 UZIS

NukeNukeNukeNuke
4 NUKES



Kami/Karli:
I guess that the surgery to separate them left them each with half a brain.
Dave: I might be wrong, but didn’t these two tell their “kalesh” driver to go to the wrong place initially? Once they finally told him the right location, he had to make a big U-turn to head towards where they really wanted to go. With the number of mistakes that these two are making, I’m beginning to suspect that they were actually once conjoined twins – at the head. I guess that the surgery to separate them left them each with half a brain. They are closer to first this leg than they’ve ever been, but if they don’t stop making dumb mistakes they will punch their ticket for Loser Lodge. Oh, BTW – you absolutely have to go watch the extra videos from this leg on the CBS site. Make sure you watch the one where Kami? Karli? asks her sister to check her eye and tell her if she’s blind. Finally, here’s something you might want to tuck away for a rainy day – a “scarab” is the small bone in the little finger.

Steve: These two are as confused as babies in a topless bar. It appears the “Fast girls” aren’t too quick. Genius has its limits but stupidity knows no bounds.

STEVE & DAVE’S RATINGS:

 Gloves Gloves Gloves Gloves
4 GLOVES

 Uzi Uzi Uzi Uzi
4 UZIS

NukeNukeNukeNuke
4 NUKES


Brandon/Nicole:

Steve: I’m beginning to think the only reason Brandon brought Nicole along is so he didn’t have to kiss her goodbye. Jesus loves you Brandon, everyone else thinks you’re a bit of a twit. And since you don’t know, I’ll help you out – a “scarab” is a type of sword.

Dave: Why did Nicole have to pull the donkey while Jesus…errr…Brandon rode? I noticed that Colin & Christie did the same thing, so I surmise that getting the water out of the Nile with that bucket must have been so physically demanding that both men had to rest during the trip to fill the bigger jug. Also, if any team was going to know what a scarab was, it should have been these two. Was I the only one paying attention in church…or during The Mummy?

STEVE & DAVE’S RATINGS:

 Gloves Gloves Gloves Gloves
4 GLOVES

 Uzi Uzi Uzi Uzi
4 UZIS

NukeNukeNukeNuke
4 NUKES


Charla/Mirna:

Dave: What more can I say about these two that we haven’t already said? I really dislike them, and I’m getting tired of watching them get help that no other team gets. Did you notice that they managed to get their backpacks carried down to the boats? I’m also tired of them botch languages – including English. I guess a “Napoleon complex” refers to someone who is reasonably tall and accidentally bumps people as he/she runs past. I’d always thought it meant someone who was shorter than normal and had a desire to rule over everyone else – especially the tall folks. The next time you’re looking for a “scarab” – it’s a made up word, it doesn’t really exist.
It must be tough having a battle of wits with an unarmed Mirna.
Steve: It must be tough having a battle of wits with an unarmed Mirna. I’ll bet she gets pissed when her period ends. I swear Charla is starting to look for ways to ditch her partner. Here’s hoping she can do it after the show. And I also picture Flo yelling at the TV screen at home saying, “You go Mirna, be a beotch! Spit! Thatta girl! Whoo-hoo, I’m off the hook!”

STEVE & DAVE’S RATINGS:

 Gloves Gloves Gloves Gloves
4 GLOVES (Half the team would like to punch Mirna)

 Uzi Uzi Uzi Uzi
4 UZIS (Half the team would like to shoot Mirna)

NukeNukeNukeNuke
4 NUKES (Mirna thinks this would be a great way to immortalize herself…or in her words, “immolate”)

Satan Satan Satan Satan Satan
5 SPAWNS (A present from Alison)


Linda/Karen:

Steve: How clever of the women to hit on the tourists for cash. What great fun that was to watch them sell pilfered apples from the pit stop. Yawn. At least they could have worked in the oldest profession in the oldest land for the cash. That would have been great TV. Another case of “time massaging” for the plane’s scheduled departure that leads me to believe there are more than 22 people who have a hand in the race results. I’m just saying. Sour grapes? Perhaps. We never broke the Neilson top 10. Of course we had a half-naked Al, not a half-naked Brandon. Since I like you two, I’ll pass this along – a “scarab” is a surgical instrument.

Dave: Turns out I was right, Steve – the producers DO think that scenes of Americans begging make for good television. I was quite happy to see these two manage to stay in the race. I also wondered what the deal with the charter flight not departing until 1:27PM instead of 11:30AM was. I was really worried that Karen’s sprained ankle from the last leg might cause these two to have to quit the race, but quickly realized that I had confused them with another team.

STEVE & DAVE’S RATINGS:

 Gloves Gloves Gloves Gloves
4 GLOVES

 Uzi Uzi Uzi Uzi
4 UZIS

NukeNukeNukeNuke
4 NUKES


Osten/Sue (AKA Marshall/Lance) [Quit/Eliminated]:

Dave: Quitters. Congratulations on doing something that nobody on 46 teams in four previous seasons of TAR has ever done before – quit. There’s something to hang your hat on. Quitters. Did my partner quit when his knees were hurting him? Heck no – he freaking bungee jumped so that I wouldn’t run the risk of hurting my injured knee even more! Quitters. What if the leg had been NEL number 2? Quitters. Did Steve and I quit when we knew we were dead last leaving Vienna on our way to Gmunden? No way! We plodded on and found out we were ninth of 10 – and NOT eliminated. Quitters. On a more serious note, let me semi-quote Jeff Probst (Survivor) on this “quitting” business: There are far too many people who have applied and really wanted to be a contestant on The Amazing Race for you two to throw away a spot on the race by quitting. I don’t care if you were recruited or actually applied – quitting because you figured you were going to be last and didn’t feel like completing the leg is just plain wrong. I’m sure you two have quit reading by now, but a “scarab” is the piece that allows the water to flow out of a toilet. Quitters.
Did Steve and I quit when we knew we were dead last leaving Vienna on our way to Gmunden? No way!
Steve: Wow, Daver. You’re sure rough on these guys. They said they were at the dig site for nearly 2 and a half hours before they pulled the plug. Perhaps they knew it was not a NEL. Perhaps Phil was real close at the Luxor 7-11 getting some beef jerky and they waved him over. Perhaps bovine can hover. Quitters. And to think we got grief for being in our forties and out of shape. Sheesh. Nutritional overachievers. At least we brought shoes that fit.

STEVE & DAVE’S RATINGS:
 Gloves Gloves Gloves Gloves
4 GLOVES

 Uzi Uzi Uzi Uzi
4 UZIS

NukeNukeNukeNuke
4 NUKES


Alison (still resting in Loser Lodge - Donny’s body, of course, is starting to deteriorate.):

Satan Satan Satan Satan Satan Satan Satan Satan Satan Satan
10 SPAWNS (See gift to Mirna)

NukeNukeNukeNuke
4 NUKES (She’s been keeping up with the race and hates Mirna too.)




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