Reports from the Yellow Line

Leg 4: Sound Off, Race On

Episode 5-4 (Production #504)

"Sound Off, Race On"


(The lead racers are chatting, relaxing, and sleeping on the express bus from Bariloche to Buenos Aires. ANITA MANN is standing and strolling in the aisle between the seats.)

ANITA: Hello, everyone, and thanks for joining us for another installment of "Reports From the Yellow Line"! This time we're following the Amazing Race teams as they travel from San Carlos de Bariloche to Buenos Aires, and then from Buenos Aires to St. Petersburg. Now because we'll be spending much of our time this leg travelling, we're going do this week's report on the road. You'll get a chance to see the teams in a less stressful situation, and we'll get to find out a little bit more about the racers! Right now I'm on the express bus from Bariloche to Buenos Aires, and with me are Colin & Christie, Marshall & Lance, Brandon & Nicole, and Chip & Kim. Hugh Monerra is with the other four teams on another bus, and we'll get to him in a bit. But first, let's talk with the leading teams, starting with Colin & Christie. Hi, guys!


ANITA: You two started out in the middle of the pack, but it seems that you've gotten into the swing of things, and now you're in the lead!

CHRISTIE: I think we definitely learned from our past mistakes, and we're trying to spend more time confirming the information that we do get.

COLIN: We've been taking a leadership role with the teams, which definitely works with me. It puts us at the front of the pack and lets me control the information we get.

ANITA: So you don't share information about flights and such with the other teams?

COLIN: Oh, sure we do. But we don't share everything. Especially with the teams that we see as threats.

ANITA: Who do you see as a threat right now?
We're more intense and better prepared.
COLIN: Possibly Brandon & Nicole, but honestly, I think we're better than all of them. We're more intense and better prepared.

ANITA: What did you do to prepare for the Amazing Race?

CHRISTIE: We do extreme sports, so we just did our usual stuff, but just bumped it up a notch. Plus we watched the previous seasons of the race.

COLIN: We also read Flying Under the Radar by Sandra
from Survivor: Pearl Islands. Sandra's got useful stuff in there about how to look nonthreatening to your opponents, minimizing the amount of time you appear on camera, stuff like that. It was useful at the beginning of the race, but we're running a more intense race now. We don't need it anymore, so I left the book at one of the Pit Stops. But Chip told me he saw one of the twins pick it up and read it.

ANITA: Well, they seem to be following the advice in the book. Of all the teams left, I'd have to say the twins look the most nonthreatening.

COLIN: Heh, I don't think they needed much help in that department.

ANITA: Thanks for your time, and we'll talk to you two later. (walks down the aisle) Next, we meet with the Doughboys, Marshall & Lance.

MARSHALL: Hi, Anita. Hi, race fans! Come visit us at Cafe Nostra in Dallas!

ANITA: You two seem to be doing very well promoting your restaurant. I saw that you even got Chip to wear one of your shirts on the last leg.

LANCE: Yeah, we've got a ton of Cafe Nostra swag in our bags.

MARSHALL: It's a ton, all right. Ohhhh, my knees.

LANCE: Shut up, Marshall. (to ANITA) Wanna see the stuff?

ANITA: Sure! What have you got?
And last but not least, our best promo item of all: Cafe Nostra thongs!
LANCE: (opening backpack) First we've got shirts - here you go, that one's for you - and then we've got hats. And last but not least, our best promo item of all: Cafe Nostra thongs! (displays proudly)

ANITA: Is that ... is that a picture of a sausage on the front?


ANITA: It's certainly, um, eyecatching.

LANCE: That's what we were going for. What good is a promotional item if it doesn't get people's attention? Here, have a pair.

ANITA: Uh, no thanks, I'm up to my ass in thongs right now. And I have to move on to the
next team. Thanks, guys! (moves quickly back up the aisle past Colin & Christie to a praying Brandon and a resting Nicole) Hello, Brandon & Nicole!

NICOLE: Shhh....

BRANDON: (finishes praying) Hello.

ANITA: Sorry to interrupt your prayers.

BRANDON: Not a problem.

ANITA: Heh, well, after a couple thousand years of dealing with us down here, I'm sure He's used to interruptions. He probably has the heavenly equivalent of call waiting. Which brings me to my question. Your faith: how big a part does it play in your racing?

NICOLE: Oh, it plays a huge part. It's given us a lot of strength.

BRANDON: We'd feel naked without it. Literally. Here, let me show you. (stands and fiddles with top of his pants)

ANITA: What are you doing? I just ran away from a guy who showed me his underwear! (catches herself and peers incredulously at the waistband of Brandon's boxers) Does that say really say "WWJD"?

NICOLE: Yes, for "What Would Jesus Do?" That's what we meant when we said we'd be literally naked without our faith.

BRANDON: And this is nothing. You should see my flying cross boxers!

ANITA: No, that's fine! You've made your point. Thank you both, and good luck on the rest of the race! (heads over to Chip & Kim)

CHIP: Hey, Anita! What's happenin'?

ANITA: Chip & Kim! You're not going to talk to me about underwear, are you?

KIM: (laughing) What?!? No, we don't talk crazy like those other teams!

ANITA: It does sound pretty crazy, doesn't it? Anyway, you two seem like you're having a great time on the race.

CHIP: Great time. GREAT time. The race is exciting, and the places we visit are beautiful ... and so far the tasks have been pretty good. Especially that chocolate one!

KIM: Yeah, you did okay on that one.

CHIP: Okay? Just okay? I spanked that Roadblock, baby! Just like we knew I would.

ANITA: You did, huh?

CHIP: (pulling out his wallet) Before the race started, we said that if there was ever any eating, I'd do it, 'cause ... (sorts through cards, then pulls one out and hands it to ANITA)

ANITA: "The International Federation of Competitive Eating official member." (looks at Kim) You must be very proud.

KIM: Oh, yeah - as you can imagine.
It's just too bad that there aren't more eating tasks. We wouldn't be bottom-feeders then!
CHIP: It's just too bad that there aren't more eating tasks. We wouldn't be bottom-feeders then!

KIM: That's true, but then I wouldn't want to be near you, what with the burping and the ... uh ... noise-making.

CHIP: What you talkin' 'bout, Kim? My ass smells as sweet as grass!

KIM: ... unless you're full of gas!

ANITA: Well, I'll leave you two alone to discuss that! In the meantime, we're going to hand things over to Hugh Monerra, who's riding on the slower-moving local bus to Buenos Aires with the other four teams. Hugh?


(HUGH is sitting sideways in his seat at the front of the bus near Charla & Mirna.)

HUGH: Thanks, Anita. I'm here on the local bus with Charla & Mirna, Linda & Karen, Bob & Joyce, and Kami & Karli. Things have been a little tense since we left the bus station, partly because of a dustup at the ticket window, and partly because none of the teams here have been able to get any information on flights to St. Petersburg yet.

MIRNA: And it's all because that criminal bought up all the tickets for the express bus.

HUGH: So Mirna, you don't agree with the strategy that Colin used at the bus station?

MIRNA: Of course not. I wouldn't do that. It was disGUSting.

CHARLA: The other teams see how tough we are, and that we are as capable as any of them. They're threatened, and they don't want to help us.

MIRNA: If you give these people the chance, they'll squash you like a bug.

CHARLA: We won't give them the chance, Mirna. We'll leave them in the dust. If they won't even talk to us ... (waves finger) ... that's what they'll get for it.

MIRNA: Ugh, I don't even want to talk about these people anymore. I just want to relax for a little while on this bus and have a little spa break.

HUGH: A spa break?

CHARLA: Oh, yes! This race is incredibly stressful, so we give ourselves little breaks now and again.

MIRNA: And on our spa breaks, we make ourselves beautiful again. (opens up pack) See, we have all these make-up samples, plus this curling iron brush and scented towelettes ... (pulls out book) ... and I've even got ... (triumphantly shows terry cloth bundle) ... my Turbie Twist!

HUGH: (takes book) What's this?

MIRNA: No, don't -
"Criminal Law For Dummies." Hmm, brushing up?
HUGH: "Criminal Law For Dummies." Hmm, brushing up?

MIRNA: (snatches book back haughtily) I'm writing a review.

HUGH: Oh. Well, I don't want to interrupt your working spa break. Ladies, break a leg on the next segment of the race. I really mean that! (stands and walks down the aisle past Charla & Mirna)

CHARLA: Thank you, addio!

MIRNA: Addio, bellissimo!

(HUGH trudges to the midpoint of the bus, sits down heavily near Linda & Karen, and sighs
deeply. Linda & Karen laugh heartily.)

KAREN: Let me guess who you were just speaking with!

LINDA: No, no, no - three guesses. The first two don't count. (pats HUGH on the shoulder) Oh, it's okay. You're all done with them for now. Now you get to deal with a couple of wacky middle-aged moms from Palmdale!

KAREN: I promise you we're more cheerful. Plus, we're more sexy to boot!

HUGH: (grinning as Linda & Karen crack up) Hello, ladies. Glad to see you're as energetic as you were when we started this race! How do you do it?

LINDA: Chocolate-covered all-natural granola energy bars! Say THAT three times fast. (takes deep breath) Chocolatecovered allnatural granolaenergybars, chocolatecovered allnatural granolaenergybars, chocolatecovered allnatural granolaenergybars!

HUGH: Whew!

KAREN: And besides all those energy bars we've got these to keep our spirits up. (pulls out family picture and shows it to the camera) Hi, guys! See, I told you I'd get you all on TV!

LINDA: Oh, wait, I have to do that, too!

(Linda finds her picture and pushes it into the camera view next to Karen's photo. Linda & Karen engage in good-natured arm-shoving to get the best spot for their picture.)

HUGH: (laughing) Okay, ladies, break it up! Now, I have to say, you two have surprised a lot of people with how far you've gotten.

LINDA: We're surprised, too!

KAREN: What I think has really helped us is the fact that we're more competitive than people realize, and also we have a positive outlook. The other teams really underestimated us from the start. And they really shouldn't have ... because mothers know best! Woo hoo!

LINDA: (raising arms) Woo hoo!

HUGH: Well, thanks, Linda & Karen, and good luck to you! I hope you go far.

KAREN: We've already gone far!

HUGH: (laughing) Well then, farther!

(Linda & Karen cheer as HUGH makes his way over to Kami & Karli.)

HUGH: Kami? Karli?

KAMI: I'm Kami - see the necklace?

HUGH: Ah, I see. How are you feeling about the race so far?

KARLI: It's much harder than we expected.

KAMI: Yeah. If it had been just a footrace, we would probably be doing much better. We need to be a little quicker thinking about what we're doing and where we're going instead of just using our feet.

HUGH: You said that back at Punta del Este, didn't you?

KAMI: Yes. It's not any less true now!

KARLI: Yeah. We know what we need to do. We just need to do it.

KAMI: And we need to beat Chip & Kim. Or actually, just Chip.

KARLI: I still can't believe how he turned on us. He turned into a beast!

HUGH: So, does that mean you're not going to ally with Chip & Kim in the future?

KARLI: I doubt it. I saw the fear in his eyes. He sees us as a threat, so I doubt it.

KAMI: Actually, I think we're just going to run our own race, without any help from anybody. We've seen too much whispering and talking behind our backs. We can't really trust anyone.

KARLI: And we've been doing fine by ourselves.

HUGH: So far you've placed ninth, ninth, and fifth.
You see? We've avoided coming in last every time. So we're doing just fine.
KARLI: You see? We've avoided coming in last every time. So we're doing just fine.

KAMI: If we do that until the end of the race, we can win it!

KARLI: Yeah!

HUGH: Except for on the last leg.

KAMI & KARLI: (in unison) What?

HUGH: Well, if you just avoid coming in last on the last leg, you still might not win. You could come in second.

(Kami & Karli look at each other, and then back at HUGH.)

KAMI: Would you excuse us? We're going to have to rethink our race strategy.

HUGH: Sure! Thank you, Kami & Karli, and good luck.

KARLI: Thanks ...

KAMI: ... we guess.

(The twins begin to confer in earnest. Shrugging at the camera, HUGH moves toward Bob & Joyce.)

BOB: Hugh! Come on over and take a load off. Caused any more accidents lately?

HUGH: (laughs uncomfortably) Now, Bob, I'm here to talk about you guys! How are you doing?

JOYCE: Oh, it's wonderful. We feel so blessed to be here.

BOB: It's been fun. All the places we've visited - so beautiful. I was just writing about how gorgeous Argentina was in this letter to my kids. Now I know we can't send letters out during the race, but I thought it would be fun to write them up anyway and give them all to the family after we got back. Joyce is doing the same thing.

HUGH: That's a really nice idea!

BOB: Between the letters and my journal, they should have a real flavor of what we experienced. It's been fantastic, all of it - just a dream come true.

JOYCE: The only thing is ... (gestures for HUGH to come closer and whispers) Is there any
way you can get us a different sound man? Ours ... well, I don't think he's working out for us ...

(HUGH peeks surreptitiously from behind the high seat backs to where Joyce is pointing. His expression immediately registers recognition and dismay.)

HUGH: (whispering) Look, I'll talk to my boss, but he works with a different crew. I don't know if I'll be able to do anything for you. Maybe you can lose him in an airport, or find him a Russian girlfriend or boyfriend or whatever. And by the way, don't worry about the camera here - we'll edit this part of the conversation out, okay?

BOB: (whispering) That works for us!

HUGH: (normal voice) I'm sure your families will enjoy reading your letters, even if they are after the fact. Thanks so much for your time, Bob & Joyce. I wish you luck on the next part of the
race. I wish you a LOT of luck. (to camera) Well, it looks like the Amazing Race will soon be on again, since we've just entered Buenos Aires, where the racers will be disembarking to find flights to St. Petersburg. We'll be rejoining the teams later in the race. But for now, that's it for this edition of "Reports From the Yellow Line"! For more information and behind-the-scenes footage please visit For Anita Mann and the rest of the "Yellow Line" staff, I'm Hugh Monerra. Thanks for joining us and see you next time!


This is a work of fiction, for entertainment purposes only. Like WWE wrestling, but without the body slams and injuries. A pity, really.

Talk about this story.