The ATC Report

In Control, Leg 4

Yep, I was actually going to have a conversation with myself. Well, a longer one than normal anyhow.
Wednesday of this week Steve underwent some surgery to repair/fuse several of the vertebrae in his neck. We’ve known for a while that he was going under the knife, and had made arrangements to have a “guest writer” in his place. Playing the part of Steve this week was going to be…me (Dave). Yep, I was actually going to have a conversation with myself. Well, a longer one than normal anyhow.

Steve and I talked on Tuesday night after the show, but before the surgery. He wanted to make sure that a couple of things got included (in the off chance that I hadn’t noticed the exact same things). Then a most miraculous event occurred! Steve gave me a call and said that he thought he was up for writing this week. It seems the surgery went well and he was recovering better than he had expected. Of course, I was really pissed that I couldn’t grab all the credit for this week’s column ecstatic at his excellent recovery. Don’t tell him, but I’m stealing all the funny stuff he came up with on Tuesday. He’ll be so doped up he’ll never notice or remember anyhow. Enough of the personal stuff, and on to this week’s episode!

There’s one thing we just can’t get over this week. The racers ate 17.6 pounds of caviar. Do you realize how many little baby fish never got the chance to be born because of this episode? (Of course, we’re assuming that you knew that caviar is fish eggs…you DID know that, right?) Let’s assume that there are 10,000 eggs per pound of caviar – probably a conservative estimate. That means that 176,000 little baby fish never had the chance to frolic in the open seas just so you could get an hour’s worth of television. One thing you didn’t see was a message at the end of the show saying, “no animals were harmed during the filming of this show”. Where are Greenpeace, PETA, and the ASPCA when they’re really needed?


Did anyone else notice the fact that of the eight teams, women performed the Roadblock in six instances? Did you also notice that the caviar was described as being “like swallowing a loogy”, and “salty”? Insert your own punch line here.
We figure that this season of The Amazing Race may be the first show ever to feature film of a person (or two) getting struck by lightning.
Can someone please explain to us how a “God-centered” team finds it so easy to break alliances, lie to every other team, make deals and almost instantly renege on them, and then talk in their ‘confessionals’ about how they try to include Christ in every aspect of their lives? We figure that this season of The Amazing Race may be the first show ever to feature film of a person (or two) getting struck by lightning.

We’ve also decided that these teams have almost zero creative abilities. Of the teams that drank the vodka, we would have thought that at least one person would have downed the shot and then “inadvertently” dropped their shot glass, necessitating them drinking another shot. Heck, after five or six “drops” you wouldn’t have cared how cold the Russian winters are – especially as you were sliding behind the wheel to do some real driving.

On to this week’s ratings. This week we rate the racers on: the ability to piss off Mirna (the Mirna icon); the ability to “power eat” (the Karen Carpenter icon); and the relative strength of the female member(s) of the team (the body builder icon). Finally, to all of you who are confirmed members of the “Steve & Dave Fan Club,” there is a special message JUST FOR MEMBERS within this week’s column. Set your S&D secret decoder rings to Sierra Tango Eight Niner and you will be able to find the message.

Chip/Kim:

Dave: I’m glad these two listened to me after last week, and jumped from near last all the way into first. (…what do you mean this was filmed back in January and my comments had no bearing on what they did?) For the first time this season I finally saw Kim this episode, when she was trying to help keep order in the line at the bus station. Too bad no one listened to her – she seems like one of the most levelheaded racers out there. Who would have figured that Chip knew how to “chug-a-lug” caviar? Chip’s reaction to arriving first reminded me of (back in leg one) Chip’s reaction to arriving first…temporarily.

Steve: Hang on a second man. I rang for the nurse five or six times already. My pain medications were due three minutes ago. Geez, this hurts. Where is she? Go on to Colin and Christie…I’ll catch up with you there.

STEVE & DAVE’S RATINGS:

MirnaMirnaMirnaMirna
4 MIRNAS

Skeleton<img src=SkeletonSkeleton
4 KARENS

Body BuilderBody BuilderBody Builder
3 BODIES


Colin/Christie:

Steve: You go first. Lousy nurses.

Dave: OK. You sure you’re up for this?

Steve: Yeah, the meds are on their way. I’ll be good then.
I’m pretty sure that I couldn’t have stalled much longer anyhow.
Dave: Uhhh…these two finished second this leg after taking a big lead into the Roadblock. Big kudos to Colin for being supportive (after starting out by being rather overbearing) of Christie during and after the chow down. I’m pretty sure that I couldn’t have been that supportive of Steve. An even bigger kudos to Christie for downing the kilo of caviar. I’m pretty sure that I couldn’t have eaten anywhere close to that amount. I also liked Colin’s restraint when Mirna jumped in and interrupted his conversation with the gentleman at the bus station. I’m pretty sure that I couldn’t have been that polite to someone that rude. These two are starting to grow on me, and I find myself liking them a little more than I initially thought I would. I’m pretty sure that I couldn’t have foreseen that happening. I see that Steve has just gotten his shot, and in a second I’ll turn it over to him – the location of the shot can’t be mentioned in this “PG-13” rated column. I’m pretty sure that I couldn’t have stalled much longer anyhow.

Steve: Ahhhhhhhhhhhh….yea. That’s it.

STEVE & DAVE’S RATINGS:

MirnaMirnaMirnaMirna
4 MIRNAS

Skeleton
1 KAREN

Body BuilderBody BuilderBody Builder
3 BODIES


Marshall/Lance:

Dave: I had hopes that maybe we could go one episode without these two bad-mouthing someone. I was disappointed again as “scumbag” hit the airwaves. I may not disagree that the recipient of the epithet was deserving of some wrath, but these two are going to extremes to be jerks. Overall though, these two were a lot more “likeable” this episode than they have been previously. They initially seemed to be agreeable to the proposed resolution for TAR5’s “linegate” problems at the bus station (but ended up helping the problems to continue), and looked like they were having a good time during the leg – particularly when drinking the shot. I would like to have seen them take the other choice on the Detour, as I bet Steve that they could have filled the mouth of the net completely and no shots could have gotten past.

Steve: Race fast go Lamshall…Marnce. Edit bad by they do. Weeeeee!

STEVE & DAVE’S RATINGS:

MirnaMirnaMirnaMirna
4 MIRNAS

SkeletonSkeletonSkeleton
3 KARENS

Body BuilderBody Builder
2 BODIES (And you thought they would get a zero…but which one is the strong female?)


Charla/Mirna:
Huppa huppa huppa flubnitz. Glisten fatch beside. No-o emergency-o today-o! Leeble bleeble fleeble see? Bitch.
Steve: Huppa huppa huppa flubnitz. Glisten fatch beside. No-o emergency-o today-o! Leeble bleeble fleeble see? Bitch.

Dave: Hmmmm…a “group” suddenly cancels their reservations and these two again make a flight just when it looks as though they will be stuck in Buenos Aires. There are just too many “coincidences” surrounding these two for it to be coincidence. “Criminals”??? Could you be a little more overly dramatic? I also see that CBS is trying to tout Charla as the next Rupert. That tells me that these two will probably go deep into this race, which also tells me that I’m going to see quite a few more “coincidences.”

STEVE & DAVE’S RATINGS:

MirnaMirna
2 MIRNAS (That dang Charla can sure rub Mirna wrong…)

SkeletonSkeletonSkeleton
3 KARENS

Body BuilderBody Builder
2 BODIES


Brandon/Nicole:

God: We’ll see. Just wait.

Son Of God: Do you really think those nuns were just a coincidence? We save the coincidences for another team.

STEVE & DAVE’S RATINGS:

MirnaMirnaMirnaMirna
4 MIRNAS

Skeleton
1 KAREN

Body BuilderBody Builder
2 BODIES


Linda/Karen:
These two again seemed to be enjoying themselves and having a good time on the race, but they are still slipping towards the rear.
Dave: I had really forgotten about these two, Kami/Karli, and Bob/Joyce until I saw them finally arriving in St. Petersburg – or as I prefer to still call it: Leningrad (sure, Communism falls and suddenly you want to change everything). That tells me that there is going to be a very long time from first to last departure next week. These two again seemed to be enjoying themselves and having a good time on the race, but they are still slipping towards the rear. Barring something unforeseen, I suspect that they will get Philiminated within the next couple of weeks. And that will be a bad thing.

Steve: Mmmmmummmph. Gelbro…dringgggggggg. Drriiiinnnnnnnggggg!!! Blappo runsik spekaspeka. Yellow oooooollla ubland hash aljim veepy ebitz fliddy opa ubbur nikki drawgo tilka hendo ent spockly ewty chuffffff rixxxli elbow timp moqwe effunt stribleer seggggggggg andler grink emily.

STEVE & DAVE’S RATINGS:

MirnaMirnaMirnaMirna
4 MIRNAS

SkeletonSkeletonSkeleton
3 KARENS

Body BuilderBody BuilderBody Builder
3 BODIES


Kami/Karli:

Steve: [drools quietly on self]
I resorted to watching the extra videos this week looking for something interesting to write about them, but found that the most interesting thing they did was look below the main deck for the guns on the ship Aurora.
Dave: Man, for being “the fast girls”, these two haven’t been very impressive. So far they have finished ninth of 11, ninth of 10, fifth of 9, and now seventh of 8. That’s twice they’ve been second-to-last (quick, name one other team that finished second-to-last twice in the first four legs). I resorted to watching the extra videos this week looking for something interesting to write about them, but found that the most interesting thing they did was look below the main deck for the guns on the ship Aurora. They even walked right past the flag hanging from the gun turret as they headed below decks in search of that elusive gun. I also have to wonder about the decision to eat the caviar with bread. First, that necessitates chewing and second, that adds extra “food” to the intake. I’m thinking if I have to eat 2.2 pounds of something the last thing I want to do is voluntarily add a couple of extra pounds.

STEVE & DAVE’S RATINGS:

MirnaMirnaMirnaMirna
4 MIRNAS

SkeletonSkeletonSkeleton
3 KARENS

Body BuilderBody Builder
2 BODIES


Bob/Joyce (eliminated):

Dave: So, another “nice” team takes their bow. Although I wasn’t exactly clear on why they got into St. Petersburg…errr…Leningrad so late, I’m guessing that their final connecting flight from Germany was much later than everyone else’s. The eighth place finish puts them right at the Steve & Dave line, so you know that this was obviously a strong team that just had some bad luck.

Steve: The colors man…the colors.

STEVE & DAVE’S RATINGS:

MirnaMirnaMirnaMirna
4 MIRNAS

SkeletonSkeletonSkeleton
2 KARENS

Body BuilderBody Builder
2 BODIES


Alison (no Donny – STILL eliminated):

SatanSatanSatanSatanSatanSatanSatanSatanSatanSatanSatanSatanSatanSatanSatanSatanSatanSatanSatanSatan
20 SPAWNS (If you remove Donny from the mix there are three all new reasons to hate Alison)



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