Reports from the Yellow Line

Leg 3: Sweets For the Suite

I thought I'd at least have the evening to spend with Kiefer before we had to take off for this burg.
Episode 5-3 (Production #503)

"Sweets For the Suite"
[INT. MUNICIPAL BUILDING, SAN CARLOS DE BARILOCHE - EARLY MORNING]

(ANITA MANN and HUGH MONERRA are sitting in an office waiting for EDDIE VAN MUNSTER to arrive so they can start a production meeting. ANITA looks dejected.)

ANITA: I can't believe this. I thought I'd at least have the evening to spend with Kiefer before we had to take off for this burg.

HUGH: But we needed to arrive here ahead of the racers, and the only way to be sure of that was to fly out tonight, while they were still sleeping.

ANITA: Whatever. Would it have killed the production to make La Porteña an extended Pit Stop location? They did it during the first season when Phil's wife showed up in Paris. "Extended Pit Stop due to general illness," my foot.

(EDDIE enters, glaring at HUGH and ANITA.)

HUGH: Whoa, Eddie, what's the matter? You still upset about Alison being Philiminated?

EDDIE: I'll tell you what the matter is. That little stunt of yours? The one that landed Simon in the hospital? It scared off our guest commentator for this leg. He said it was too dangerous to work with you.

HUGH: Who was it supposed to have been?

EDDIE: Jackie Chan. So now what am I supposed to do?

ANITA: Wait, so if Jackie's not coming, that means you don't have to pay for his hotel room, right? How about using that money to give us better hotel rooms?

EDDIE: (laughing evilly) I have a better idea. We'll use the money to give ONE of you better accommodations. You know the chocolate Roadblock coming up? Well, here's the deal. You'll have your own table of chocolates, and you two are going to have your own little contest: whoever finds the most white-centered chocolates without getting sick wins a night's stay in a soundproof luxury suite on another floor of the hotel.

HUGH: Ew. I hate chocolate.
You have no idea how much chocolate a depressed woman can eat.
ANITA: You could forfeit now, and save yourself the agony. You have no idea how much chocolate a depressed woman can eat.

HUGH: Are you kidding me? There is no way I'm just giving this to you. I want to be in a quiet room, as far from rowdy racers and the drunken careening cameramen as possible. Game on!

[CUT TO: DEL TURISTA CHOCOLATES - A FEW HOURS LATER]

(ANITA and HUGH are filming in the chocolate factory. They are dressed in aprons and chef's hats and are surrounded by long tables full of chocolates.)

HUGH: Buenos días and welcome back to "Reports From the Yellow Line"! I'm Hugh Monerra, and with me is Anita Mann. We're in San Carlos de Bariloche, and we're waiting for the racers to arrive. It's been an exciting race so far, and can you believe it? We're not even a third of the way through it yet.

ANITA: That's right, Hugh. Alison & Donny were the latest casualties last night. I think a lot of race fans were happy to see them go. At the very least, their departure certainly did make last night a quiet one in the racers' hotel!

HUGH: Things were very peaceful after they left. But let's stow that baggage and continue on with the racers who aren't losers. After a stop at the mayor's office here in town, the teams will need to come to this chocolate factory to do the Roadblock. For this Roadblock, the racers have to bite into as many of these chocolates as necessary until they find one with a white center.

ANITA: As you can see, Hugh and I have our own table full of chocolates. That's because while the racers are hunting, we'll be competing against each other to find as many white-filled chocolates as we can!

HUGH: And speaking of racers, here come Colin & Nicole.

ANITA: It's Colin & Christie. Nicole's with Brandon.

HUGH: Oh, right - I'm always mixing up Nicole and Christie. Anyway, it looks like Colin will be doing the Roadblock for the team.

ANITA: And here we go!

(HUGH and ANITA start in on the chocolates, talking between bites and matching each other candy for candy.)

HUGH: Uh oh, here comes another team - it's Charla & Mirna, and Charla will be trying to find the white-centered chocolate. It'll be Charla in the chocolate factory!

ANITA: Will she be able to reach the chocolates?

HUGH: The master chocolatier is getting her a tall chair. Ooo, the chair's a little tippy. He'd better watch it, or he'll be a dwarf in danger of being crushed by a dwarf. (leans over to check on Colin) It looks like Colin's systematically going through the rows to try to find a white-centered chocolate. That's a good strategy. I think I'll try that.

ANITA: I'm more a fan of the Drunkard's Walk approach to finding the white-centered chocolates, myself. (bites a chocolate and waves it around) Ha! Found one.

HUGH: Drunkard's Walk, huh? You should be very familiar with that, considering how much liquor you put away.

(ANITA throws a chocolate at HUGH. He catches it and bites it open.)

HUGH: Hey, look! It's white inside!

ANITA: What?!?

HUGH: Kidding! (dodges a slap on the arm from ANITA) Aha! There's one. For real this time.

ANITA: Dammit. (searches frantically until Charla yells and leaps off her chair) It looks like Charla has completed this Roadblock for her team.

HUGH: (sings) They're ... off to see the Detour, the Detour Villa Catedral!

ANITA: You just HAD to pull out the Munchkin crap? (to camera) Pay no attention to the man behind the chocolates.

HUGH: (showing another white-centered chocolate) I'll get you, my pretty! And your little dog, too!

ANITA: (rolling her eyes) Some people without brains do an awful lot of talking.

HUGH: Aw, see that dwarf master chocolatier gazing after Charla? I think he's SWEET on her. (leans over to check on a whooping Colin) Sounds like Colin & Christie are done.

ANITA: And here come Brandon & Nicole. You know, Christie and Nicole really do look alike. They could be twins!

HUGH: Or maybe they're the same person - we haven't seen them doing a Roadblock or Detour at the same time.
I wonder ... if Christie and Nicole decided to go out with each others' boyfriends, would the guys notice?
ANITA: (grins) I wonder ... if Christie and Nicole decided to go out with each others' boyfriends, would the guys notice?

HUGH: The real question is, if the guys did notice, would they pretend not to, just so they could sleep with another woman?

BRANDON: (finding the chocolate) Woo!

HUGH: I guess that answers my question.

ANITA: I've just got word that Marshall & Lance are leaving the Centro Civico. And I've found another white one! (hiccups) Dammit. (calls to factory assistant) ¿Señora? ¿Puede
Usted darme una taza de leche?


HUGH: Hey, you're not supposed to drink milk!

ANITA: That's just a rule for the racers. You can get some, too. (singing as she holds up a white-filled chocolate) I'm going to get the suite ... I'm going to get the suite ...

HUGH: (ignoring ANITA) Marshall is starting in on the chocolates for his team. Just based on the shape he's in, I'm guessing he put in a fair amount of practice for this event before the race.

ANITA: So he's moving that slowly because that's the best technique? THAT'S the Marshall Plan? (rests her hands on the counter and looks a little ill) Whew, this is a lot of chocolate. (stuffs two chocolates in her mouth)

HUGH: Are you eating the candies instead of biting them?

ANITA: Nmpt mmrph. (swallows) Nooooo?

HUGH: Are you drowning your Kiefer sorrows in chocolate?

ANITA: (glaring at HUGH) Well, anyway, back to the race - it looks like Marshall's not having much luck finding the elusive white-filled chocolate. I don't know if you can hear it or not, but Lance is showing support for his older brother by cheering him on with words of affection like, "Find that fucking chocolate, you asshole." Aw.

Between the name-calling, the negativity, the lack of humor, and the complaining ... really, what's not to love about these two?
HUGH: Between the name-calling, the negativity, the lack of humor, and the complaining ... really, what's not to love about these two?

(ANITA makes the mistake of glancing over at Marshall just as he starts gagging.)

ANITA: (starts to gag) Oh, God. (calls to factory assistant) Señora - agua, por favor.

HUGH: Don't you mean "Need-o Pepto, yo desperato"? (bites into another chocolate and waves it around triumphantly) That's three for you and two for me! Meanwhile, back to the race - Joyce has arrived to take on the chocolate Roadblock for her team. And she is absolutely tearing through the candies! Marshall could take a lesson or two from her.

ANITA: (between gulps of water) While Marshall and Joyce pick their way through the chocolates, I'd like to remind you to visit our website at rftyl.com. There you can read our blog, sign up for our newsletter, and get lots more insider information on the race. That's rftyl.com for "Reports From the Yellow Line."

HUGH: Well, it looks like Joyce has found her chocolate. That was fast! She & Bob are now heading out to Villa Catedral.

ANITA: (looking through chocolates again) Good thing, too, because I'm hearing that Linda & Karen, Kami & Karli, and Chip & Kim are on their way. They originally flew in on the same plane as Bob & Joyce, but it looks like the Internet dating couple has surfed by all the younger couples like they were standing still.

HUGH: The other couples aren't out of it, though. Here come the bowling moms. It looks like Linda is coming in to sort through the chocolates.

ANITA: Oh, doesn't Linda look cute wearing the apron and hat with her bowling shirt? With her extreme peppiness and that wacky outfit, she could be Iron Chef Hyperglycemia. (holds up another white-filled chocolate) Woo hoo!

HUGH: (holds up two white-filled chocolates of his own) Woo hoo yourself - we're tied!

ANITA: Dammit! (gags, then quickly reaches for water)

HUGH: And now here come the twins. Kami ... or maybe, it's Karli ... well, one of the twins is starting in on the chocolates like she's afraid they're going to disappear. And while all this is happening ... I can't believe it, but Marshall is still here! He still hasn't found his chocolate. He must have gone through about five pounds of chocolate already.

ANITA: (after taking a quick sip of water to prevent another gag) The amount of chocolate we've got around here is just staggering. I hope the medical team has insulin standing by.

HUGH: Now the twin's doing the Snoopy dance, which must mean she's found her chocolate. Look at the expression on Marshall's face! He is not happy.

ANITA: That's funny, I thought that dour expression was his normal look.

HUGH: Hmm. I guess you've got a point there.

ANITA: The twins are out the door, but here come Chip & Kim.

HUGH: It looks like Chip's going to do the Roadblock.

ANITA: It sure does. (finds another white center) I'm back on top again! (shoots HUGH a look) Don't say it.
I'd say they did this task diaBOWLically well, and it was right up their alley.
HUGH: (innocently) Who, me? Say what? (HUGH jumps slightly as Linda squeals excitedly) Well, it sounds like Linda's completed the Detour! I'd say they did this task diaBOWLically well, and it was right up their alley.

ANITA: Hugh, get your mind out of the gutter.

HUGH: Oh, good one. (holds up chocolate) I've found another one - and it looks like Chip has too! Meanwhile, Marshall remains mired in misery as he continues his quest for the elusive white-filled chocolate.

ANITA: I find it strange that someone who works in the food service industry would have so much trouble with a task that involved food. Wait, maybe "strange" isn't the right word - I think "hysterical" works better.

HUGH: Wait, Marshall's getting up off his stool. It looks like he's finally completed the Detour! Unbelievable.

ANITA: Thank goodness. (leans heavily against the table while showing off a white-filled chocolate) I win!

HUGH: No, you haven't. Jim & Marsha haven't done the Roadblock yet.

ANITA: Oh, God! I can't take much more of this. I shouldn't have eaten all those chocolates. I need something to drink.

HUGH: After this is all over, I promise I'll buy you a nice hot chocolate at Villa Catedral.

ANITA: (turning pale) Ugh. Forget it.

HUGH: Well, just thought I'd ask. In the meantime, as we're waiting for Jim & Marsha to arrive, don't forget to tune in next time when the racers arrive in St. Petersburg! There they'll take on tasks that involve the finest of Russian foods, vodka and caviar.

(ANITA stops sorting through the chocolates, covers her mouth, and runs out.)

HUGH: (calling after ANITA) I win! (looks sympathetically to the camera) I think she needs a doctoro ...

(Jim & Marsha finally enter, and Jim runs in to perform the Roadblock.)

HUGH: ... unlike Jim here! He's been hanging in there like a real trooper despite his fairly serious leg injury early on in the race. He may be tasting chocolate, but it seems likely that this war horse and his daughter will be denied the sweet savor of victory this time around. Will G.I. Jim & Ms. Marsha overcome their deficit and overtake the Doughboys? We'll find out later from Ivanna Kissanoctopus, who's at the Pit Stop in Bahia Lopez. (view changes to Jim searching through chocolates) But for now, we'll leave you as Jim finishes up the chocolate task for his team. For Anita Mann, I'm Hugh Monerra - thank you for joining us for this edition of "Reports From the Yellow Line"!

[FADE TO BLACK]


This is a work of fiction, for entertainment purposes only. It's just brain candy.





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