The ATC Report

In Control, Leg 3

At last! The Amazing Race 5 finally shook off the re-hashing of TAR4 and became its own show – meaning we couldn’t really find anything in leg 3 that was a repeat of TAR4, no matter how hard we tried. Sure the chocolate eating was similar to the cheese Fast Forward in TAR3, the para-gliding was similar to the hang-gliding in TAR2, and meeting the mayor was similar to meeting “Spiffy the Wonder Pony” in the rumored un-shown leg of TAR1, but with this leg TAR5 finally took on an identity of its own.
As of right now we’re still counting, but we think this episode has set the new standard for “alliances broken in a single show.”
As of right now we’re still counting, but we think this episode has set the new standard for “alliances broken in a single show.” The former leader was “Survivor” (during the Johnny Fairplay era), with a total of 76 broken alliances in one episode. Preliminary data indicates that TAR5, Leg 3 has reached the triple digits, but we’ve got the Florida election commission reviewing the count right now and we expect that the total may go even higher. Perhaps the most surprising statistic to come out of this episode was the fact that The God Squad (Brandon/Nicole) averaged 1 lie told or alliance broken every 25.2 seconds of the show – even including commercials! Some other statistics that we made up:
  • Marshall and Lance’s insults to other racers/indigenous population dropped from 13.7 per episode to 13.6.

  • Charla and Mirna’s “speak the local language by adding a vowel to the English word” incidents have increased to 28.3 tries per episode.

  • Kami and Karli are now alone at the top of the leader board with 2 dumb actions while heading into a checkpoint.

  • Colin and Christie moved into a tie for first in the “claiming your strategy is working when you lead in legs 1-4” category, with 1.

  • Chip’s effort to have the other teams help him because his “Grandmother just died” has failed every episode.

  • Spiffy the Wonder Pony has been gelded 6 times.

  • The dealer breaks every 5.7 hands.

Other than that, here’s our breakdown on the teams this episode. As usual, we changed the rating categories again. This time, we rated the teams on overall nastiness (the Howard Stern icon), airport difficulties (the airplane icon), and alliance breaking/lying (the screw icon). Remember, the ratings are for each team’s performance to date in the race!


Colin/Christie:

Dave: These two are causing me to wonder a little. Until this episode, I wasn’t really sure they were actually in The Amazing Race 5. Even this episode they got surprisingly little face-time, considering they won the leg. This can only mean one of two things: either they are exceedingly boring and do nothing that remotely makes for good television, or they are going to do quite well in the race. I have to give them credit for buying stand-by tickets on the first flight from Buenos Aires though – that’s the kind of thinking and acting that can win a race.

Steve: I had to go to the CBS site and look for extra video to see if they were in it, too! I thought they were left on a volcano and the group forgot about them. Nope. They’re here. And ‘ole Colin has milk coming out of his nose laughing at the sight of Charla snarfing the Hershey’s kisses. Poor boy has to get out more often.

STEVE & DAVE’S RATINGS:

Stern
1 STERN

Plane
1 PLANE

Screw
1 SCREW


Charla/Mirna
I think the languages these two know are from the countries they make up in the West Wing. You know. Poralteria, Upentantia and Long Island.
Steve: I think the languages these two know are from the countries they make up in the West Wing. You know. Poralteria, Upentantia and Long Island. I also think the crew these two had were not their biggest fans. The camera lingered on the electric fence a little too long before Charla increased her height by two “hair” inches. And, Mirna? Take a breath, dear. I’m starting to see why the brothers won’t be sending you Hanukkah cards. Your backpacks do not protect your place in line. Only tire irons will do that. (Also from the extra video).

Dave: For some reason, I’m really starting to dislike these two. They claimed to be able to speak several languages in their bio, of which one was Spanish. I guess I never knew that “I have an emergency and have to go to the doctor” translated to “I have an emergencio and have to go to the doctor-o” in Spanish. They complain incessantly about how the other teams are screwing them (which I suppose has a grain of truth to it). They just don’t seem to be too interested in trying to do things on their own and take a few chances, but rather appear quite happy with following and aligning with the other teams.

STEVE & DAVE’S RATINGS:

SternStern
2 STERNS

Plane
1 PLANE

Screw
1 SCREW


Brandon/Nicole:
Caterwauling Catholics…Lutherans losing ground…yeah…Backsliding Baptists works best.
Dave: These two get my “Backsliding Baptists” award, and I apologize in advance for any Baptists I offended with that comment. I was quite surprised to hear the quantity of lies that these two doled out this episode (“we waited for you but you didn’t show up”, “sure, we will buy you tickets”, “I’m not that happy to see you and it really IS a roll of quarters”), and the ease with which they broke alliances. I’m starting to doubt that they’re really virgins…oh wait, that was OUR show. The recklessness with which these two abandon their alliances may come back to hurt them.

Steve: Caterwauling Catholics…Lutherans losing ground…yeah…Backsliding Baptists works best. Starting to dig these two. They understand the # 1 rule, anything for the bucks. Going to haunt them like the Holy Ghost soon, though. You can do the race alone and be successful (see Jon and Kelly), but you won’t be getting all the post-party invitations.

STEVE & DAVE’S RATINGS:

Stern
1 STERN

PlanePlane
2 PLANES

ScrewScrewScrewScrew
4 SCREWS


Bob/Joyce:

Steve: Joyce is keeping things in check here. Bob is going to burst a blood vessel putting up with the young whippersnappers, and Joyce is seeing the true personality no emoticons can convey. Politeness will get you places, and that will help in the ticket lines where they will shine in comparison to their over-caffeinated adversaries.

Dave: One comment Joyce made really set me off. She said that they wanted to prove you didn’t have to be in great shape to win The Amazing Race. If that holds true, then I know Steve and I got screwed. We were definitely in the wrong season of TAR. Even with that, these two are really starting to grow on me. They’ve been friendly, haven’t been disrespectful of the countries they’ve visited, and generally seem like two nice people. I wish they were a little funnier, but I’ll take a guess and say that the race is probably really starting to wear on them. It isn’t easy…unless you’re talking about TAR5. Apparently then it IS easy.

STEVE & DAVE’S RATINGS:

Stern
1 STERN

PlanePlane
2 PLANES

Screw
1 SCREW


Kami/Karli:
Don’t get me wrong - it isn’t every day I get a free “wet t-shirt” contest on my television so I appreciated it, but really!
Dave: You decided that you had to swim to the checkpoint??!!! Don’t get me wrong - it isn’t every day I get a free “wet t-shirt” contest on my television so I appreciated it, but really! So far these two have been involved in the two dumbest things I’ve seen on TAR5 (the taxicab incident and this swim-to-check-in) so I’m beginning to wonder how well they actually did on their IQ tests. From what I understand from post-race interviews, these two were extremely lucky to make the 10:30 flight. Other than the swim and the flight this was a pretty dull leg for these two. I am starting to like them a little better, but I’m wondering if they will have the smarts it takes to finish well.

Steve: Why Dave, these two had the highest I.Q. ratings of any team ever before. Just like they told us…and Tian and Jaree…and every other team they’ve rated. Stirs things up to make you think you can outsmart everyone else. You’d think then this team would be smart enough to do something as simple as EAT. Lord, they are skinny. Relatives of Tracey Gold? I expect them to evaporate by leg 5. We, of course, suffer from Alzheimer and Bulimia, where we binge and forget to purge.

STEVE & DAVE’S RATINGS:

SternStern
2 STERNS

PlanePlane
2 PLANES

ScrewScrew
2 SCREWS


Linda/Karen:

Steve: Got to root for the non-recruited teams. Still having fun. Still wearing their matching “Price is Right” T-shirts. Phil is probably over at their house watching the show, covered in foam.

Dave: Ladies - when you applied for TAR, whatever led you to believe that there would be no stunts involving high places? Steve and I thinking that running was not a real requirement is understandable (not really, but we’ve spent the year trying to convince ourselves of it), but every TAR to date has had at least one stunt involving heights. Heck, you’ve still got this year’s bungee jump to look forward to. But I give these two big props for overcoming the fear of heights on both occasions to date. They are still one of my two favorite teams, but I’m beginning to worry as they slowly sink towards the back of the pack.

STEVE & DAVE’S RATINGS:

Stern
1 STERN

PlanePlane
2 PLANES

ScrewScrew
2 SCREWS


Chip/Kim:

Dave: The other of my two favorite teams. These two finally moved out of eight place (into seventh), but they need to get moving or they will run out of room and time at the back of the pack. We learned that their alliance with the twins was over – gee, what a surprise. Outside of that, I really have nothing on these two this episode. They were pretty bland, and avoided elimination. You got anything Stever?

Stever: Nope.

STEVE & DAVE’S RATINGS:

SternStern
2 STERNS

PlanePlane
2 PLANES

ScrewScrewScrew
3 SCREWS


Marshall/Lance:
Has there been an episode where they haven’t insulted someone? Has there been an episode where they haven’t used foul language? Have they said or done anything funny?
Dave: What more can I possibly say about these two guys? They’re a class pair. They are dignified without being overbearing. They are polite and respectful of the local population and their fellow racers. Right…maybe in BIZARRO world. These guys had so much potential, and have been such a huge letdown. Has there been an episode where they haven’t insulted someone? Has there been an episode where they haven’t used foul language? Have they said or done anything funny? I remember despising the Guidos in Season One because they were underhanded and sneaky. (BTW – I like them now; they’re two of the nicest people you could meet.) I’m beginning to hate these two cretins more than the Guidos – because they’re jerks.

Steve: My friend, you’ve got to cut these guys some slack. Look at all the good things they have done. They were successful in changing a tire. They pronounced “bitch” correctly in a foreign country. They were compassionate, patient, humorous competitors in the chocolate competition. And they make friends everywhere they go. Why, they’re this year’s Clowns!!!…in BIZZARO world.

STEVE & DAVE’S RATINGS:

SternSternSternStern
4 STERNS (which isn’t a compliment, although you two probably think it is)

PlanePlanePlane
3 PLANES

ScrewScrew
2 SCREWS


Jim/Marsha (eliminated):

Dave: What a class act Jim is. I gotta admit, his final speech had me puddling up just like Geezer did last year. I knew that the flight situation was going to get these two eliminated unless there was another bunch-up spot on the leg – there wasn’t and it did. I have to question why, once you realized that the agent had not given you the tickets you requested, did you not try to rectify the mistake? (Maybe they did, and it just ended up on the editing room floor.) Even though I knew that the chances were almost nil, I was still hoping that these two would somehow pass the Dough Boys and finish in eighth. One thing is for sure – you two and airports just don’t agree.

Steve: Ah, the complexities of Amazing Race airport travel. Nine teams, 36 tickets to buy, three to four flights to choose from, and several hours to doubt your decision and think of ways to screw the other teams. First to the airport, last out…. Whoops. You fell for the sappy post-race speech, Dave? Didn’t you see Jim read the crib notes his wife prepared and wrote on his shirtsleeve?

STEVE & DAVE’S RATINGS:

Stern
1 STERN

PlanePlanePlanePlane
4 PLANES

Screw
1 SCREW


Alison/Donny (still eliminated):

SatanSatanSatanSatanSatanSatanSatanSatanSatanSatanSatanSatanSatanSatanSatanSatanSatan
17 SPAWNS (we thought of some more stuff to hate about them)



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