The ATC Report

In Control, Leg 2

The difference is that we were freezing our butts off (well, not Steve so much) (padding= insulation) in Europe in January while TAR5 headed to the warmth and sun of Argentina.
All right, stop it. We’re really getting tired of watching the TAR4 stunts redone in TAR5. OK, in TAR4 the racers had to find a location in the maze that is Venice, while in TAR5 they had to find a grave in the maze that is Recoleta Cemetery – not a real difference. In fact, Recoleta is just an anagram of RELOCATE. Coincidence? We think not! In fact the anagram clues don’t just end there! BUENOS AIRES is an anagram for USE NO RABIES and BUS NO EASIER, obvious clues to do the tango, and then catch a taxi. Man, these guys have it EASY! In TAR4 the racers were looking at a picture and trying to find a mask, while in TAR5 the racers looked at a picture to ID a face, but again – WHAT’S THE DIFFERENCE?

The difference is that we were freezing our butts off (well, not Steve so much) (padding= insulation) in Europe in January while TAR5 headed to the warmth and sun of Argentina. Lucky bastards. As has been usual with TAR1-4, the first two legs of TAR5 have seen big swings in team placement. This will probably continue for a couple more legs, which makes predicting the eliminated team difficult at best. For instance, we had both thought that Alison/Donny would probably do well overall in this race. A couple of mistakes, a bad choice of transportation to the Road Block, and 200-300 insults later we saw them go from first to worst. Here’s hoping that all of you who whined about the pettiness of the arguments on TAR4 are having a field day with TAR5 so far. At least we never had members of two different teams sitting in a taxi each demanding that the other leave. We DID have that whole tire-slashing thing, but that was just good television – don’t you think? (And it never would have happened if Tian hadn’t intentionally provoked Steve.)

It’s a good thing that CBS aired this show at 10PM Eastern/9PM Central - have you ever seen more screwing than on this episode? Dogs humping, cows mounting, Nicole on the foam floor with her South American boyfriend, those tango dancers going at it right in front of us, and of course Linda and Karen schtupping Jim and Marsha.

Anyhow – new week, new rating categories. This week we’ve got Crosses (for divine intervention/hand of god), White Castle Sliders (for foul emanations from the mouth), and Horseshoes (for blind, dumb luck).

Brandon/Nicole:

Dave: OK, I stand corrected. Last week I claimed that I doubted very much whether or not God had a vested interest in the winner of TAR5. This week I have strapped lightning rods to myself. You can never be too prepared once you have mocked the Almighty. Actually, these two demonstrated how running a leg with no mistakes and better-than-average hustle (a concept I’ve heard of, but have never experienced) will serve you very well. They bunched at the ferry and then ran a perfect leg to take the lead. I’m still undecided on their nickname. I’m thinking either “The Holy Rollers”, or “Team Blue Lagoon”. If only Nicole had a unibrow.
ou can never be too prepared once you have mocked the Almighty.
Steve: Wow, they actually got along with each other, too! Why in the world were these two cast? Right, the HAIR. Well then, it appears someone was too late to strap lightning rods to themselves…..Brandon. ZZZapp. Only way to explain it. Holy crap! I think I just solved the Zach hair puzzle too! They are golfing buddies and one day this storm…

STEVE & DAVE’S RATINGS:
CrossCrossCrossCross
4 CROSSES

Slider
1 SLIDER

Horseshoe
1 HORSESHOE


Charla/Mirna:

Dave: The inability to run anywhere near as fast as the remaining teams is going to catch up with these two. They were first out of their carriage and up the lane towards the checkpoint, but were caught and passed within seconds by Brandon/Nicole. If that had been a race to avoid elimination, you know what the outcome would have been. I also really want to comment on two things that this team was involved in this week. First was the ferry. I’m thinking that you saw another good editing job by the TAR production crew there. Remember seeing the Bowling Moms talking about how the boat was supposed to leave at 4:30? That tells me that they said that a few minutes after 4:30, which means that Charla/Mirna arriving at 4:27 still had plenty of time to get tickets and get aboard – without having to have the boat “held” for them. Second, why did there just happen to be a maintenance cart waiting near the entrance when C/M entered the cemetery - a cart that hauled them to the grave and back! This is the second week in a row where this team has gotten help that wasn’t given to preceding/successive teams. The only reason the twins and the bowling moms got to use the same cart this week was that they happened to be there when C/M returned from the gravesite. I’m starting to smell something rotten in Denmark, and it ain’t just that cheese I kept.

Steve: It’s Mirna’s hand, Dave. She was sure the Roadblock was to extract the clue from a cow’s ass. Somebody has been watching too much Johnny Knoxville when she’s not at the casinos. And leave the editors alone. They are godlike. They are up for an Emmy! Are YOU up for an Emmy??? Huh? You are? Never mind.

STEVE & DAVE’S RATINGS:
CrossCrossCross
3 CROSSES

SliderSlider
2 SLIDERS

HorseshoeHorseshoeHorseshoe
3 HORSESHOES


Jim/Marsha:

Steve: Jim, Jim, Jim, what happened to the tough as nails guy? “Those two, old, nasty broads LIED to us. I’m going to stand here and stomp my feet!” Put the lesson in your pocket and get ‘em back! Tell the moms that the next pit stop is a 36-hour stop, NOT the 12 hour they thought it was.
Overall, I expected more to be made of Jim’s knee this week, but these two were mostly unnoticeable this leg save for their complaining about being hoodwinked.
Dave: Suckers! Let’s see if I got this right – Linda/Karen tell you that you can’t use American money in Argentina. OK, I can accept this as believable. There are many places in this world were US currency isn’t good as gold. Now comes the part I don’t get – you jump off the boat and head to exchange your currency (because we all know that TAR only gives you US money at the start of each leg). You don’t see anyone else exchanging currency – including the team that told you to do so. You still exchange your money, but then spend the rest of the leg complaining how the Bowling Moms lied to you. At some point, shouldn’t you have said, “we don’t need to exchange our money, no one else is” and started racing again? Overall, I expected more to be made of Jim’s knee this week, but these two were mostly unnoticeable this leg save for their complaining about being hoodwinked.

STEVE & DAVE’S RATINGS:
CrossCross
2 CROSSES

SliderSlider
2 SLIDERS

HorseshoeHorseshoeHorseshoe
3 HORSESHOES


Linda/Karen:

Dave: Nice job misleading the Daddy-Daughter Duo, if you did it intentionally. That’s the kind of sneakiness that will serve you well. However, if you’re going to do something like that you should really be finishing the leg ahead of the team you shafted. One other thing I don’t get – what was the thought process behind teaming up with the rapidly self-destructing Alison/Donny when walking the dogs? You two should have been able to do just fine on your own. You got lucky – normally switching tasks at a Detour is suicide. Steve and I will be expecting our invitations to the grand opening of your “foam bar” in Palmdale.

Steve: I went to a foam bar once. They kicked me out because my PH was all wrong and the foam kept melting. But the Guidos, Kentucky Andrew, and Chip and Reichen ALL got to stay. Go figure. Still love the ladies, but their wardrobe agent should be shot. If they have matching two-piece swimmies soon I’m changing favorite teams. They’re still having a good time and still like each other. And I’ve decided that Karen is a dead ringer for Linda Lavin from “Alice”.

STEVE & DAVE’S RATINGS:

CrossCross
2 CROSSES

Slider
1 SLIDER

HorseshoeHorseshoeHorseshoeHorseshoe
4 HORSESHOES


Bob/Joyce:
Steve: A total of 45 seconds of face time leads me to believe they’ll be around for a while. Their “Vam” has certainly has not yet “Moosed”. Plodding along like a couple I know. Hope they get to talk soon, or are they busy taking their afternoon naps when the cameras are rolling? The favorites of the camera/sound crews.
Their “Vam” has certainly has not yet “Moosed”.
Dave: That “couple” was Steve & Debra, right? I must have blinked when these two made their choice and completed the Detour. They DID complete the Detour, didn’t they? I may have just discovered the second instance of something rotten in TAR5 – these two are being allowed to run the Rosie Ruiz version of the race.

STEVE & DAVE’S RATINGS:

CrossCross
2 CROSSES

Slider
1 SLIDER

HorseshoeHorseshoeHorseshoe
3 HORSESHOES


Colin/Christie:

Steve: Christie is from Texas. I know that because I read her ass. Colin is from Fruita Daloom, near San Antonio, I think. This team is looking stronger. Hell, their breath is still fresh. Soon Christie’s pageant skills will come into play as the teams are instructed to rappel down a mountain using only the provided sash.

Dave: I’m surprised that you, the master of the anagrams, missed this one – “Colin and Christie” is an anagram for “Not in his circle ad”, which clearly indicates that these two will NOT be one of the final three teams, otherwise they would appear in “his” (obviously, Phil’s) “circle ad” (just as obviously, the ads announcing the show’s finale – the completion of the circle around the world). I have to agree that they look fresh, but that just means they’ll be able to start partying right away when they hit loser lodge.

STEVE & DAVE’S RATINGS:

CrossCross
2 CROSSES

Slider
1 SLIDER

HorseshoeHorseshoe
2 HORSESHOES
Pizza-store owners who look like they haven’t missed too many meals and they’re crying about a lack of natural gas?
Marshall/Lance:

Dave: Man, I know it’s editing but I find myself rooting more and more for these two to take a wrong turn – preferably one that leads them into the crossfire between two rival street gangs. You’re in a country that isn’t the United States and you’re calling the locals “foreigners”? Not only are these two obnoxious, they’re not too bright either. This is definitely my least-favorite team now that the witch and her punching bag took a bow.

Steve: Pizza-store owners who look like they haven’t missed too many meals and they’re crying about a lack of natural gas? Help the poor driver, guys. After all, he is just a poor foreigner. May he have to listen to “Don’t Stop Believing” for a month solid for that miscue. A solid leg without many mistakes.

STEVE & DAVE’S RATINGS:

Cross
1 CROSS

SliderSliderSliderSlider
4 SLIDERS

HorseshoeHorseshoeHorseshoeHorseshoe
4 HORSESHOES


Chip/Kim:

Steve: Chip cracks me up. Take the “Booos” to the club to let you wife get groped. Was he watching from the closet? They’re probably reliving that scene at home to spice up their long marriage. Dawn dishwashing liquid all over the den. Kids at grandmas. Beach balls sliding into the kitchen. Go Chip.

Dave: This show these two gave me flashbacks to our race, Stever. I heard Chip drop that “booos” and suddenly saw you speaking “Italian” to that dude in the Venice train station, “…so dissa train, she-a goes to-a Veee-inna, right?” Chip and Kim are still fighting for the number one spot on my “favorite teams” list. I also think I’m nicknaming them “Cheep & Keem”. That whole taxi scene was pretty bad though. Chip – she beat you to the cab, dude!

STEVE & DAVE’S RATINGS:

CrossCrossCross
3 CROSSES

SliderSliderSlider
3 SLIDERS

HorseshoeHorseshoeHorseshoe
3 HORSESHOES


Kami/Karli:

Steve: Cabgate…Fiacre redux, Daver, without the bloody lip. Wimps. At least stick your studded tongue out at Chip. And how about one of you moving over so the sound guy can sit down?
Wimps. At least stick your studded tongue out at Chip.
Dave: Yea, at least our version of “it’s my cab and you can’t have it” featured a good elbow to the face and some blood. Kami...Karli…whichever of you two was in the cab should have just told the driver to take off. You would have ended up with the same result since you couldn’t have done anything further without your teammate there, but at least you would have shown Chip that the taxi really was yours. That would also have given us plenty of good material to write about, and would have shot you two up my list of favorites.

STEVE & DAVE’S RATINGS:

CrossCross
2 CROSSES

SliderSliderSlider
3 SLIDERS

HorseshoeHorseshoeHorseshoe
3 HORSESHOES


Alison/Donny (eliminated):

Steve: Farewell Alison, we’ll see you on Blind Date. So long Donny. Run like the wind. Watch the episode closely, folks. The editors will give you the face time if you’re next to go. Look for Alison and Johnny Fairplay starring in the new Fox comedy “Bitch and Bastard.”

Dave: What a surprise. In another rip-off of TAR4 the team that finishes first on leg one goes to worst on leg two. Of course, when the show you’re stealing from has four Emmy nominations, at least you’re copying good material. Isn’t it nice to know for certain what we all suspected – The Amazing Race is a far harder show to do well on than Big Brother. My biggest regret about these two dropping out of the race is the fact that Dennis and Erika had to spend all that time with them in loser lodge.

STEVE & DAVE’S RATINGS:

SatanSatanSatanSatanSatanSatanSatanSatanSatanSatanSatanSatanSatanSatanSatan
0 CROSSES…15 SPAWNS

SliderSliderSliderSlider
4 SLIDERS

Horseshoe
1 HORSESHOE



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