Ep Two: I Want to Bite Them in the Ass

So hello ladies and gentlemen. I have to say first of all, that it's a miracle that I have even written this article-thing this week. There's hardly been a time where the TV wasn't being used to watch some version of the Real Rules-Road World Fantasy What Would Happen If We Stuck 36 Horny Kids In A Condo Challenge. Well, it's either been that or that Jessica Simpson show. I don't mind that one so much, as I can't tell you the number of ways that I would take Jessica's right leg. And that Dick guy she married...I would shit on his foot. Anyways, I had to go next door to be able to watch the tape. And luckily Bianca's owners were gone. So the TV was available, as well as Bianca. It's a wonder that I was able to pay attention to the episode as she was constantly on my junk from the moment I walked in the door. [Chris: Dude, so that's where you were all weekend?] Please forgive me if this lacks...concentration. Alright, on to this ridiculous TV program.
I would like to make mention of this for posterity, two weeks, two episodes, 71 total on-air minutes into the season and Brennan has spoken more than three words continuously.
If y'all weren't paying attention last episode or don't know the set-up of this game, the teams will be starting off where they checked in for the last leg, which was Songwe Village, South Africa. I'm wondering, does Amazing Race guy really need to tell us every time that the teams "will need to figure out clues that are in sealed envelopes"? [Chris: Kid, obviously you've either never watched or paid attention to this show. You'll soon see that shit is quite repetitive.] I guess when the target audience is middle-aged morons things need to be repeated several times...and....very....slowly.... [Chris: Fucker, now you're just trying to get me in trouble.] I would like to make mention of this for posterity, two weeks, two episodes, 71 total on-air minutes into the season and Brennan has spoken more than three words continuously. Well, he read a clue so it's not like they were his words, but at least we know he can vocalize full sentences now. The teams are given a "riddle" to find Songwe Museum. Ooooh, it's a fucking riddle. It's so confusing that I would probably NOT look in Songwe Village either. Like if I was in Brooklyn and somebody told me to find the Brooklyn Museum of Art, I would most definitely drive to Teaneck, NJ and look there. The three champion "riddle" breaker teams are now discussing the fact that they've formed an "alliance". Oh like that's gonna fucking help. You don't vote anyone off this show, so what the fuck is having more teammates going to help you? It's not like it's legal to share information and buy each other tickets for transportation or do other shit to help out. [Chris: Uh, yeah that's all legal.] Well, it doesn't matter anyways, the three crappiest teams have teamed up. They proclaim that it's "all the way to the end, baby!" Heh, I fucking doubt it. These scrodbags ain't making it much further, sharing their one brain cell. This just in, of the three alliance teams, Joe and Bill think that they are the strongest physically and MAYBE
mentally. Physically huh? You sure about that? Alright then. I'm just not even going to touch this one. It's too fucking classic. No. I didn't make it up. It's in the episode. Seriously dude. If you don't fucking believe me go back and watch it. No really...he said fucking "physically." Yeah, I know. Right. That's what I fucking said too.

The sole talker from episode one, Rob, has yet to say anything this episode. I guess since it's dark still, there are no kids for him to give flags to and say that they like it. Brennan has now said 15 words. This is fucking blowing my mind. By the way, Brennan's hat is fucking rad. I'm going to have those douche bag owners of mine get me one of those bad boys. [Chris: Don't bet on it, ya little shit.] Ahhh crap, Margarita discovers the first line of the riddle says, "Now that you're well acquainted with Songwe Village..." Som' bitch. That is fucking tricky. Those production bastards will get you every time. I would have thought, "Now that you're well acquainted with Songwe Village, it's time for you to go to another place far away and try to find some shit that is called Songwe ______." I think that anyone on this race without at least a 6th grade education would have a hard time figuring this out. Why are they trying to weed certain people out like this? It's totally unfair. Alright, Lenny and Karyn just shined their flashlight into someone's window of their home. I would be all up on that door barking my ass off at those two. Shine a light in my fucking window will ya? Who the fuck are Lenny and Karyn anyways? Kim and Leslie are the next to depart and Paul and Amie are right after them. It's nice to see that my three lovelies are so close together and I can keep an eye on them much easier. Dave and Margaretta are the smartest people in the entire race because they figured out the "riddle" that...was so was a "riddle." They are going to the Songwe...the Songwe Museum. Kevin and Drew are next to leave and they just get into the car like everyone else before figuring out the perplexing clue. Nancy and Emily are the last ones out of the pit stop and Emily is all about "just go, just go" before concerning herself with where
the fuck they're going. This also presented itself in the first episode when she had no idea where she was going and told her driver to "just keep going straight" when she had no idea what else to do. What the fuck man? That's some pretty shitty navigation skill. That's gotta fucking bite them in the ass soon huh?
And the music stops. What the fuck, does the budget only allow for 3.5 minutes of music per show?
Kim and Leslie are smart as well as being hot as all hell. They figure out the riddle and find the Songwe museum before most of the other teams that left way ahead of them do. Apparently now, like 15 teams are arriving at the Songwe Museum at the same time after all being lost. Gotta love those fucking editors. Kevin and Drew are all "Mukini freakin' Village!" Yeah, whatever guys. That's where that guy told you..."Mukini freakin' Village!" Ahhhh yes, we finally have our first soothing bars of some of that funky show music while we see the teams on the photo safari. Unfortunately the editors are morons in more than one aspect and they don't see that the show drags when there's no exciting beats behind the racers' voices. And the music stops. What the fuck, does the budget only allow for 3.5 minutes of music per show? According to the Guidos, whom I'm really starting to hate and want to kick their dog's ass, Frank is uncontrollable. They say this while a menacing shot of Frank, all hunched out of the sunroof, is being shown...and stuff. Non-commercial. Pat and Brenda are going for the Fast Forward deal. They're going to have to white water raft in order to get the damn thing. That's lame. It also seems a little early in the race to use the Easy Pass. Looks like they're trying to follow in the footsteps of those losers, Rob and Brennan, and attempt to get knocked out early. And all this, due to the fact that they couldn't figure out the "riddle" of Songwe uh....basically where they were. So...yeah. Heh. I'm digging this rafting thing. It looks like that fucking raft is going to flip any second. And Pat and Brenda look to be getting just a tad bit wet. Alright, wet t-shirt con...errr wait. Back at the wonderful photo safari, Kevin and Drew are taking pictures of pygmy goats...which isn't quite on the list of shit to have pictures for. Ok, like one of the deadliest animals in the world (no dude, I'm a badass and I wouldn't even fuck with this animal) a rhinoceros, and these freaks are like trying to creep up on it. Umm... not smart exactly. And now Emily is screaming down her mom to fix the camera as her mom is seeking to ball up into the fetal position. I wonder if she took any shit for that treatment? Or is Emily just too cute to have been criticized? She is pretty damn cute. I didn't think so at first. But she is kinda growin' on me, ya know. I definitely could see myself getting on her lap and sticking my nose in her crotch. I'm gonna have to keep my eye on her. What was I sayin'? Oh yeah, yelling at her mom. Pssshh. She probably didn't mean it...alright, moving on.

Race dude tells us that the next clue the racers will get is a "secret" and is only known by the chief at Mukuni Village. I bet it's a "secret...riddle". The teams are greeted by the chief with a ceremonial tribal ritual, which is basically that dude drinking some water and spitting it on everybody. I'd be pissed. I hate it when that jackass Chris squirts water at me or sprays it out of his mouth at my face. That's fucked up and I bark at him. Seriously man. I tell him off. [Chris: Ummm...dude, shut up. I...uh don't do any of that. Seriously guys, he's lying.] I would kick this chief's ass. When the racers come down with like the fucking Ebola virus later, they'll be thinking the same shit. If I had to participate in this ritual, I would hope that the chief would blow it right in my eye. Heh, that's what SHE said. What the fuck? Lenny and Karyn are at the ritual thing. I didn't even know they had taken the pictures. Shit, I actually didn't even know they had left New York yet. Fucking editors. What's the deal people? Why do they just skip over crap? That's ridiculous. I want to bite them in the ass. Oooh. The next riddle looks impossible. They got a little statue of something. You would have to know what that something is and where it's located in order to be able to travel there. I bet 7 of the teams give up and quit the race just because they don't know what that statue thing is. You've screwed yourself here Race Maker People.

So I guess David and Margaretta and Kim and Leslie also completed the picture taking task, but we'd hardly know that, because we didn't freaking see it. Nor is there any indication of where they are in relation to the other teams. Bastards. Kim and Leslie are right...stupid Paris. Paris sucks. But why are they talking about Paris? I like Kim and Leslie still. A lot. Boy the things I would do to the both of them together. I think I would first like to chew on my cheese and bacon flavored Nylabone in Leslie's lap. Then I would sneak over to Kim and force her to pet me by slamming my head into her hand repeatedly. Ahhh the endless possibilities. What the fuck? Are all the teams really at the airport at the same time? Or is this again a case of really shitty editing? I'm guessing the latter. Ooooh, Kim & Leslie and Amie are fighting. Ladies, ladies, settle down. Don't fight. There's plenty enough of Cooper to go around. Well, apparently after hours and hours and hours in the airport all the teams got flights. I'm not really sure how this happened, because once again, they never showed us any of that shit. Well, that and around this time, Bianca and I were having difficulties paying attention to the show...if ya know what I mean. Namely, I was in the process of dropping a Houdini on her. [Chris: Oooh, that's right babe, you thieve my words and use them on TWoP and Cooper and I are going to use your shit over here. Okay, so using only one of your favorite sayings in an article read by four people is hardly "evening the score"...but just you wait. The Houdini is officially out there now, so marinate on THAT SHIT. I'm so gonna be in trouble.] So I guess they all got on the same flight or something. Or some of them got buses. Or some walked. Or some took unicorns. I'm not really fucking sure. Kim and Leslie reluctantly kiss the...uhh...airline...ummm...dude-guy who came over and shoved his grill up in theirs and was all "give me a kiss, baby." They didn't want to because they know that daddy is home waiting for them. [Chris: Dude, this isn't actually happening now...this show is two years...never fucking mind.]
Well, at least they're not from South Dakota. Sheeeet. No overseas travel and living in SD? Then their chances of winning would REALLY be crap.
Ok, so Rob and Brennan have NEVER been out of the United States even. Well, there goes their fucking shot. They should be going back to the US shortly then. Because for sure you have to have been out of the country before to win this race...ha ha...right? I mean there's is no way in fucking hell...heh heh...what the fuck are you looking at me for? They've already used the Go Ahead thingy. And they've never traveled. They're fucked. Well, at least they're not from South Dakota. Sheeeet. No overseas travel and living in SD? Then their chances of winning would REALLY be crap. Right TARflies? Who am I kidding. No one reads this fucking thing. Anyways, I hate team Guido. I hope they are eliminated soon. Their uppishness is really pissing me off. Pat and Brenda are in first place.
They've used the Faster Pass and have arrived at the Arc de Triomphe, which is a really hard place to find in Paris. Because it's not well known. And it's small. As well as not being very unique looking. Somehow, Kevin and Drew made it to Paris as we see them in a cab and on there way to the Eiffel Tower. We didn't see them at the airport, didn't see them buy tickets, didn't see them on a plane, but now they are in Paris apparently. I believe they are the ones that chose the unicorn option with the gnome driver. The clue reads "check out the view, it's monumental" and teams have figured out that they are looking for a MONUMENT. No fucking way. That's just bizarre. These people must have IQs of 3 billion. And now Kevin and Drew are somehow at the roadblock at the same time as Frank & Margarita and Rob & Brennan. Don't exactly know how the fuck this happened, but they are. They're all there. To me, it definitely looks like the work of gnomes. By the way, editors suck. This is getting ridiculous, Lenny and Karyn have not shown up all episode and now they are at the Eiffel Tower as well. Hmmmm...."don't know the Paris monuments..." Come on, really? This city has some of the most recognizable monuments in the world. Even all the toothless kids living in shanties, here in South Dakota, could probably name you at least four Paris monuments. Especially if you promised them the soothing buzz of an entire bottle of Robitussin.

Ahhh, Drew now reveals to us that Kevin's "eyesight ain't so good" after the clue specifically states that the person chosen must have "keen eyesight." Way to go, guys. Pick the weakest member of your team to go and complete this task. Nice. Frank & Margarita and Rob & Brennan are freaking out and yelling. What the hell is that all about? You guys are in an alliance. Stop screaming! Ahhh shit, here we go. I spoke too soon. This is worse than Frank & Margarita and Rob & Brennan. "Just DO IT Lenny! Just DO IT!" They're off the show the entire episode and only re-appear to fight. I'm not feeling so confident about that marriage, Lenny. Kim and Leslie admit to cutting into the taxi stand line. Amie is pissed off and is refusing to....Hooo...whoa....ha...heh...yeah..."you're a fat bitch." Oh....I wish. I'd be doing more than just sitting in her lap and humping her leg if that were true. Paul is contemplating quitting. I don't want you guys to go home. Don't go home dude. Don't go home. Ok teams are getting to the Eiffel Tower. Paul is looking. Oh what Paul is pissed. He spins the telescope really fucking fast. And kicks a wall. The entire Eiffel Tower shakes. Oh dude, that's not cool. I think Paul is going home. Non-commercial.
Ha! Ha! Yeah! Bill completely wiped out. Safe!
My teams are pissing me off now. Kim & Leslie are not as smart as they are hot. And Paul & Amie are getting hella pissed off. Kim [Chris: Actually I think that's Leslie. But I'm not real sure.] now goes into a "we're stupid" tantrum. Ha! Ha! Yeah! Bill completely wiped out. Safe! He totally fucking bit it when he jumped onto the pit stop mat. Maybe that will tone down the ego a bit. Lenny & Karyn are at the wrong place and fighting. He says that he thought that was the place because the first telescope he saw was pointed at it. Oooohh, shit. I don't know if I'd be actually TELLING people that. Especially to Karyn. Some thoughts are just left better unsaid, Lenny. Kim & Leslie are trying to talk to a French dude and it's not going so well. Of course because they're stupid. They need to get off the self-defeating attitude if they're going to win this race like I think they will. How come you're "stupid all the time?" Well, I'd say because ya don't fucking think. Emily, who just keeps getting better looking as this show goes on, is lucky she's hot because she just had to beg for change to use the telescope. Fortunate for her, she didn't have to flash a mammary. Hooray! Paul didn't give up. He's still looking. And now Emily and Lenny are working together. Not exactly the most gifted pairing...but they work well together and are passing up Kim & Leslie. Holy shit. David & Margaretta? 47 minutes later and we finally see what the fuck D & M are up to? And it's not like they're JUST getting to Paris. They've already completed the roadblock and are getting in a cab. How the fuck is that? Grrrrr. They've evidently beaten about 5 other teams. I have no idea how the fuck that works and why we weren't shown it. I'm not sure if I should blame the editors or those damn gnomes. It doesn't make sense either way. Show us, you fuckers! Kim & Leslie are busy arguing with the cab driver over the money. Are you guys dumb? Oh yeah, that's right, that's all you've talked about for the last 14 minutes. And just like that, they claim to be the dumbest people in America. Well guys, you ARE in France, so you might have to edit that statement. Now to try and cross the street they... Ha. That's a "stupid tunnel, for stupid people..." I swear I didn't make that up. I couldn't come up with that shit if I tried. Don't take that shitty tunnel then. You guys rock. Ooops. They DID take the stupid tunnel. Well, that fits. Now Kim is asking if they have to go all the way to the top of the Arc de Triomphe. Mmmmmm. Well. Shit. I dunno guys...good question. Ahhh crap, they're eliminated. But Phil doesn't even say "Kim and Leslie..." he just says "you guys are last" because he doesn't even know which one of them is which. And just like that, the eye candy of the Amazing Race 1 is done. Fuck it, and so am I. [Chris: Does this mean I have to start writing this shit next week? Seriously dude, I'm not going to feed you if that's the case. Come on. Ya little bastard.]