Pet Reports

The Amazing Race: Television for Cats – Episodes Seven through Nine

The TARflies Times has once more invited the Animal Planet’s Pet Psychic, Sonia, and her panel of three Washington, DC area house cats to discuss The Amazing Race. For those of you who don’t remember, Smokey is a gray cat who lives with Jenny (M. Darcy); Priscilla, also known as “Priss” or “Prissy,” is a long-haired calico who lives with Daria; and Eddie, is a skinny black cat who lives with Priss and Daria.

Sonia: Let’s discuss the last four episodes of the Amazing Race, darlings. What do you – wait, Eddie? You have something you’d like to say?
Eddie
Eddie
Eddie: Yes. I have an announcement to make. I like men. I especially like men who like cats. And I most especially like men who like men who–

Priss: Forget it. Daria’s not shipping you off to live with Reichen and Chip.

Eddie: But they’re my favorite team!

Priss: If everyone lived with their favorite teams, some of these people would have to rent entire cities. I can just imagine the signs – “Welcome to Cha Cha Cha Land, population 3,572,489.” Anyway, Reichen and Chip already have a couple of cats.

Eddie: Hiss!

Smokey: I have an announcement, too. I like fish. And birds.

Priss: And I like to sleep in sunbeams. I guess that makes me a cat. Sonia, can we move on, please?

Sonia: Something seems to be bothering you, Priss, you’re being very prissy.
Priss
Priss
Priss: I don’t like being upstaged. And those last two girls on TAR, they make me look happy and complacent, they fuss so much! One of them is gone now, though. She didn’t sleep enough; she should watch and learn from us cats.

Eddie: She should! And that fuzzy-headed man she kept ordering around, like he was a misbehaving pet? I wonder what kind of rodent that was living on his head.

Sonia: I think that was his hair. But dears, we can talk about the racers while we review the episodes. Smokey, dear? You’ve been trying to get a word in edgewise. So we’ll let you start.

Smokey: Well, we saw a lot of animals in India. There were dogs, chickens, bulls and elephants. There were dogs at the train station - one dog in particular who seemed to hang out with the racers (he probably wanted to be on TV). The other animals were part of the tasks for this part of the race - the roadblock was bull racing (aka racer dragging) and the detour was a choice between riding an elephant or gathering up chickens and delivering them. Personally, I don't think I would have liked doing either.

Priss: We get chicken and beef as one of our catfood flavors, but the animals are kind of scary in real life. Not so much the chickens, but those bulls? I don’t think I would like the mud in my beautiful fur. Although Reichen looked pretty good afterwards–

Eddie: Reichen always looks good!

Priss: And Tian was almost as pretty as me, even though she had mud all over her. I’m going to miss those two girls. I was sad to see them go.
Smokey
Smokey
Smokey: The next episode was great! Mmmm, fish. Big fish, little fish, swimming fish, flying fish, escaping fish, yummy yummy fish. The best episode ever!

Priss: Yes, it was! Except for the splashy part while they were getting the fish. I wouldn’t want to get water on my beautiful fur. Then the racers played with cat toys! I liked that. They had pointy things, they had the pretty feathery cat toys they blew out of those tubes, and they had the long poles they threw.

Eddie: I wish I had been there to chase the cat toys. And all that sand – good to use as litter. Does anyone remember the old lady who brushed them with leaves? She seemed nice, even though that girl who didn’t sleep enough was acting weird. I wonder if those leaves were catnip?

Sonia: That’s a nice thought, isn’t it? However, I think catnip has smaller leaves. We still didn’t see any cats in these episodes. Now, Smokey, I understand your Jenny was away for a couple of episodes.

Smokey: Yes, she was, but she taped both episodes, because she loves TAR almost as much as she loves me. When she got home, we had a good time watching the two episodes together. TAR gets better and better every week. Even more animals! I really liked the cows sitting in the middle of the road. Cats are like that - we just sit wherever we want. And, even better than the cows - orangutans. Monkeys and cats get along very well. Well, along with dolphins, we are probably the smartest animals. What a great fast forward for the orangutans - getting some food. But, speaking of food - yuck!! Live octopus. How did Reichen and Chip do it? If they win the race, they deserve it (and I'm not just saying that because they have cats).

Eddie: I want to be one of Reichen and Chip’s cats!

Priss: Stop yowling. They live way far away, so you’d have to be in the cat carrier a long time if you went to live with them.

Eddie: Oh. Then I guess I don’t want to go. Plus, I’d miss Daria. You? Not so much.

Smokey: You two are just like Tara and Wil!

Sonia: Children, children – the episodes?
I liked the orangutans. They would be prettier if they were furrier, like me, but they seemed nice.
Priss: I liked the orangutans. They would be prettier if they were furrier, like me, but they seemed nice. I wonder if they like cats?

Eddie: I agree with Smokey about the cows in the middle of the road – it seemed like a great place to take a nap. That swim in the cold water – brrr! Cold is bad.

Smokey: Really bad. Warm is better. And wet is bad.

Eddie: I had mixed feelings about the octopus lunch. I think it would be lots of fun to chase a little octopus, but I believe in killing your prey before you eat it.

Priss: Of course, you’ve never actually caught prey in your life.

Eddie: That’s not true! I once caught a piece of sausage that fell off a pizza. Best cat toy ever.

Smokey: I’m not sure sausage counts as prey.

Sonia: Do you have any final thoughts about the racers before they go from the final four to the final three and the race for the finish line?

Smokey: I want Reichen and Chip to win. They’re pretty, and they have cats, and they’re so silly they’re likeable – how many other teams have gone for a Fast Forward accidentally? I have to love that.

Eddie: I still think those two guys who call each other “dude” aren’t very interesting. So I don’t want them in the final three. I want Reichen and Chip to win, because they’re men who like cats, and I like men who like cats, as well as men who like men–

Priss: Got it. I don’t like that last woman and her person. She’s not nice enough to have hair the same color as my pretty red patches. So they can leave or lose. I like all three of the other teams, but I think my favorites are the Clowns. They seem like nice guys, they don’t waste time in the car unless they’re with the dudes, and I think they’d both be fun to play with.

Sonia: Thanks you once again, darlings. We’ll talk again at the end of the race, after Jenny and Daria get back from Tarcon.

Smokey: One more question: Will there be cat toys in the Tarcon goodie bags this year?

Sonia: I understand there will be many wonderful things in the goodie bags, but you’ll just have to wait and see like everyone else.