Random Foolery

Special Investigative Report:
Lip Gloss and its effects on Phil

The rumors have been swirling around TAR since the very first season. When the Guidos—that natty but evil pair—ended up in the top three, people wondered, "What was their secret?"

A TARfly special investigative report now reveals that the two, working in tandem with a master fragrance distiller from the house of Chanel, created a cologne that worked hypnotic magic on Phil Keoghan, host of the celebrated TV series.
Although not generally known to the public, TAR special Reporters have discovered that the G's lived in Paris for two years.
Although not generally known to the public, TAR special Reporters have discovered that the G's lived in Paris for two years. Paris, land of haute couture and the finest of face paints and parfum. It was there that they met Rene Bougeron, who'd devoted a lifetime to measuring the psychic effects of certain odors on lanky New Zealanders who like to travel. The Guidos saw their opportunity and bought the secret of the elixir from Bougeron, in exchange for a cut from their winnings. The two had respules of the scent embroidered into their team logo, and each time Keogh got a whiff, he was as putty in the boys' hands. All went swimmingly until the pair were forced to take a bus in India. "There's just no cologne that can last on a public bus in India," says Bill, who spoke to the TARfly team in exchange for amnesty. "Phil couldn't smell us, and it was all downhill from there." Even worse, once the team hit Alaska, the cologne had a very unfortunate effect on the sled dogs, leaving them dangerously close to being stranded in the middle of the
frozen tundra."

But that's not all. Balked of $1 million in winnings, Team Guido successfully peddled the Philandering Potion to Wil of Team Taraweasel, who regularly doused his vile little hat in the fragrance. "You thought I wore patchouli because I liked it?" he sneered from a phone interview given while he followed the latest Phish tour across the country. "It was nothing but a ruse to hide that cologne. I used to laugh at how Phil would look all poleaxed when he got a whiff of the stuff. I called it the Philibuster. I'm sure Tara would have laughed, too, if she wasn't spending all her time locking lips with that friggin' Boston townie. Because I'm funny, dammit. And smart. Don't forget smart."
The Kings (and Queens) of cool reacted in their own inimitable manner, scouring the shops and hotels of HongKong for a fragrance that would act as an antidote.
But not smart enough to lull the suspicions of Team Cha. Speaking on condition of anonymity, a highly place source revealed that The Chas learned of Wil's nefarious plot in Hong Kong. The Kings (and Queens) of cool reacted in their own inimitable manner, scouring the shops and hotels of HongKong for a fragrance that would act as an antidote. Although they spared no effort, in the end Oswald and Danny had to admit defeat. "They just couldn't find a scent that would knock Phil back to his senses, and would also convey the je nais se quai that is The Cha," says the source. "I mean, there are limits. What if they'd have to wear Love's Baby Soft or something?"

The most shocking use of the Philalicious fragrance came in Season Three, however, when, somehow, Flo got ahold of the secret. "You can't blame that on us," say both members of Team Guido. "Nobody's evil enough to want to listen to Flo whine from their television screen for the entire race." While it's unclear where Flo found the elixir, sources tell us that she eschewed the cologne application in favor of infusing it into her lip gloss, which she secretly applied before stepping onto the Amazing Bathmat. Flo's scented gloss most notably saved her dragging butt in Switzerland where Phil, under the influence of the Siren Smell, suddenly proclaimed an extra non-elimination round, forcing the company at large to suffer through the rest of the season of FloZach-and incredibly, watch them win.
The results were marked: The eyebrow popped, and a look of peace and benevolence stole over Keoghan's face.
The results were marked: The eyebrow popped, and a look of peace and benevolence stole over Keoghan's face.
The TARflies were tipped off on this nefarious scheme by Jill of Jill and John Vito. Jill, smart cookie that she is, noticed that while Flo generally made a point of having Zach carry every blessed belonging she owned, the Whinging Wonder never let him carry the lip gloss. "She had that tube on her at all times," says Jill, who saw her chance to nab the goods at the finish line. "Flo flung it up in the air when she was hugging everybody," notes Jill, "so I just picked up and pocketed it. I figure that she can afford another one now."

Based on Jill's tip, the TARfly investigative team went to work and eventually dug up the full history of the Scentsational Scandal. As one final test, Jill agreed to act as their secret agent to confirm the findings. During TARCon, she quickly waved the alluring gloss stick in front of Phil, while secret photos were taken with a camera cleverly disguised as a frozen margarita. The results were marked: The eyebrow popped, and a look of peace and benevolence stole over Keoghan's face. Most telling of all: The Poleaxing Potion even robbed him of his voice.