Ep One: Let the Scrod Licking Begin!
Okay people, let's get some shit squared away right now. I am behind all the swearing these two fuckos have a penchant for. Before they became my parents 4 1/2 years ago, they barely even said "darn". Now look at them. They won't fucking shut up. I'm not saying that I taught them to swear, but my shitting on the floor, biting random kids, barking at shit, pissing on the furniture, trying to hump things, and just generally being a prick – I’m guessing all that brought the cuss-bombs out of them. I've also heard that there is some other punk-ass little dog associated with this show...that is why I've decided to write this column. I don't see why that dude needs to be monopolizing this gig. Now that I've cleared that up, let's get onto this boring ass show you all seem to love...
We start the show with a dude on a building. Oooh that's fucking dramatic. Why the hell is this necessary? Why can't he be on the ground like most people. You don't see Jeff Probst dangling from crap or up in a tree on some island. Damn, get over yourself Amazing Race guy...what the hell is his name anyways? [Chris: Uhhh, we've told you this before. His name is Phil.] So, "Blahbity blah blah" says the Race dude saying something about teams, race, being stripped, and I swear he said something about black tar heroin. So these humans are being transported on a bus of all things. Very classy. I hope at least for their sakes that it's like a Rolling Stones tour bus or something with like a bed, some satellite TV action, and a fridge full of Chicken flavored Pet Refresh. [Chris: Dude it's CBS, I doubt it.]
So the bad ass bus rolls up and the teams start piling out. First we have Frank and Margarita. They are separated. They have a baby daughter. I think they have just way too much turmoil and I don't think they will go very far at all. They will be out by leg 4. Next off is Paul and Amie. They're engaged. They seem very loving towards one another. I see them going very far. Kim and Leslie. Hey baby. What's goin' on? Errr...Kim and Leslie are teachers and friends. Kim fears that she will die on this race. Huh. Then why the freak did you sign up? I think you need to be worrying more about me humping your le...uh, getting to the next destination and completing tasks and not getting eliminated. Dying should be further down the list...chick. Lenny and Karyn are hoping to win the race so that they can get married. I hope that they do win, then Lenny can buy Karyn a nice ring and they can live happily ever after. I see them going very far, driven by this motivation alone. David and Margaretta. Are they on this show? For real? No way. Are they going to be able to do this crap? You sure one of them wasn't DRIVING the bus and they got out in the middle of the teams by accident? Okay. If you say so. They know this is a race, right? Matt and Ana are married and met in the Army. They were in the ARMY! That's gotta account for something right? They have survival skills. They have probably traveled a bunch. I see them making it a long ways.
By the way, what the hell is up with all the couples on this show? How ridiculous is that? Who wants to watch a man and woman fight all the way around the world. [Chris: Ahem...] They need to stop having so many male-female couple teams on this show...I mean what the...oh crap, what is this? Team Guido? They named their team after their fucking dog? Damn, that is embarrassing. I would never let my two scrod-like owners go on a show and claim me. Fuck that. They actually were getting shirts printed up with my face on them when I had to lay the smackdown. No way man. And what is up with that dude Guido? That thing is freaky looking. I don't think he's so much dog as he is animatronic muppet. Joe and Bill your dog is freaking me out man. Stop looking at me! Pat and Brenda are working moms. That sounds cool. I would like to be a "working mom". Anyways, Brenda looks lost getting off the bus. Doesn't look good for their chances. Rob and Brennan. Ahh crap man, what the hell was that? Brennan strolls in with a book while Rob is banging away at the computer. Are they studying for the race? Preparing for a case? Nah. I think what is happening in this scene is Brennan is bringing over the dictionary after he found the word "booby" in it and they share a laugh. Nancy and Emily are mother and daughter and all they talk about in the intro is how unpredictable Emily is. This doesn't bode well and I say they are eliminated first. Kevin and Drew are fraternity brothers. What the hell? Those guys are like 40...and they're still in college? Well good luck guys. On top of that, Drew says that they haven't prepared at all. Why wouldn't you at least look at a map, dude? Buy a book and study it? Carve important numbers into your flesh? These guys will be the second ones eliminated.
Why the freak is that dude still on the top of that building? The show is starting guy...what good is it doing with you up there? Yeah, those are the questions that are burning in my mind right now. Actually I'm wondering why you're still on that...wait...what kind of shit is that? All of a sudden he is on the ground with the teams and talking to them. Boy, those production people are damn tricky. "Blah, blah. blah" says tricked-up Race guy in the long coat. He says something about money, planes, waste elimination, and having a crush on Kevin. Also at some point he mentions that there will be tasks that are mental. I don't know what this means, but they cut to a shot of Rob and Brennan...almost foreshadowingly. They didn't seem too confidant when Race dude said this either. "Blah, blah, blah, GO!" says the host guy from England. [Chris: He's from New Zealand, actually.] They all take off running, knocking each other over while sprinting to their bags. People read stuff and then take off. Meanwhile as people have already left, Kevin and Drew are trotting up the stairs. They obviously have the cruise set at "mosey". They suck and they will lose soon. The first place the teams are to go is Johannesburg, South Africa. Cool. Get going kids.
Ooh. Dramatic music. The Amazing Race. Whoa look out for that wing! Huh...it's those teams yet again. Boring. Race guy says more about this being so challenging, Yes dude, we already know, this is the Amazing Race. One thing I like about this show is that CBS has for some reason decided not to have commercials. [Chris: Actually dumbass, it's a tape with the commercials edited out.]
We come back from the not-commercials and Kevin and Drew are arguing already. They will be eliminated soon. Matt says that he wants to not be the first ones eliminated. Ana says that won't happen. Damn right that won't happen. You guys were in the Army. I feel with this confidence from Ana that they will finish first this leg. Okay, I have a problem. The only sound we have during this entire show is these people talking? How freakin' boring. It sounds so bland. They need to drop some dramatic music in behind these idiots. Note to producers, make this change next year. Violins, tubas, drums, cellos, harmonicas, synthesizers, dog whistles, whatever. I can't stand just looking at these people and that's it. Give me something more. Ok...hold on. There's some funky music going on here. They're showing some signs and making quick cuts between cars and other crap. But this music sucks. It's some kind of lame guitar rhythm thing...give me some drums people...yeah like that! That's what I'm talking about! No don't stop it! What the hell is your problem? Rob is telling the cab driver he can't tip. What a cheap ass bastard. Okay, awkward moment. That cab driver hates you dude. Will this be karmic?
Okay, teams are at the airport. Boring. Do something. Okay planes are taking off and the music plays! Yeah, it's exciting now! Keep playing the music. Why the hell do the planes get music? Oh yeah...Kim and Leslie are getting all boozed up on the plane. That's what I like to see. Get all loosened up and she doesn't feel me on that left leg. CBS you rock for not having commercials. Holy crap! What is that thing? A map with like radar and stuff on it came up and showed the flight path of the teams' planes. That is fucking rad. Alright the teams get in cabs and are going somewhere. Frank is going berserker and beating the shit out of the roof of his cab. I hope that helped dude. He's crazy and they're passing...holy shit! That Brennan guy said something. I specifically heard him say "There's nothing we can do.." and I'm pretty sure I saw his lips move. So they get to the other airport and...Whoa! Those Guido people are there already. How the hell did that happen? We didn't even see them in a cab and now they just magically appear in the lead? The editing on this show sucks. [Chris: Hey man, that's not cool. Take it easy.] I don't know what it is about these Guido dudes, but they're starting to grate on me. Now that they've arrived at Livingstone airport, the teams need to get into cars and drive to their next clue. This show would be so much better if they didn't provide all their transportation options. Damn...I wish these dudes would stop yelling "Team Guido" every second. Guido sucks. The teams get some kind of "riddle" that seems to be impossible to solve if you didn't make it past the fourth grade. Obviously Amie has made it to at least the fifth grade because before her and Paul even were able to drive out to the clearing and look for the smoke (as instructed), she figured out that since nothing else in the entire area could be considered a landmark, a wonder of the world, or even Africa's #1 tourist attraction, that it might just be Victoria Falls. Hmmm, ya think? But hey, it WAS a riddle.
Alright, now this sucks. They keep jumping around from team to team and don't show you who is passing who. Like how did all the other teams catch up? All they showed was the top three teams getting on the charter flight and arriving in Livingstone. Now it seems like all the teams have arrived and they are all driving within 15 feet of one another. How can this be? I'm confused. I'm gonna go take a nap.
Okay I'm back. At least now they are playing the music more. Get a little bit of orchestra stuff in there, make it all dramatic, it's good stuff. I'm pumped. But shit, I still can't tell where anyone is. Who the hell is in the lead? Some how the Guidos already walked the Knife's Edge and we never saw that. Why wouldn't you show the first team completing the task? This editing sucks. Teams are now supposed to go to Zambia and find Batoka Gorge. Uh oh, Kevin and Drew got a different clue than everyone else. They are supposed to go to Batoka George instead. Why do they get to do a different task than everyone else? [Chris: Dude, the...nevermind]
Rob and Brennan are doing a thing called the Fast Forward, which is what I wish I could do right now. [Chris: Hey man, no one is making you do this.] Supposedly you get to skip all the crap for the rest of the leg and go to the end location. And you only get to do this once during the race. Well shit, that seems like a waste then. Why use it already? What happens if you need it later? Well, that does it, I now think Rob and Brennan are done. They won't last much longer. Oh now they really suck. They're giving the kids American flags. What the hell are they gonna do with those? Ohh, I see. They're "showing [their] appreciation for letting [them] be here". And "the kids like it". Well that's just fucking grand. Except I didn't see the kids jumping for joy. And I don't think the South African Visa system goes through those four kids on the street of Livingstone. More than likely they're happy because now they have flags to burn in protest.
Okay, so now Kevin and Drew are supposed to go to Batoka Gorge. So did they switch out the clue on them or what? I'm confused. Team Guido is now yelping as they zipline across the gorge. I hate them. And I hope they exit soon. I won't be able to take much more of this shit. Ha ha ha. "You're gonna bungee jump your ass off." Frank ain't that bad. As of right now, Paul and Amie don't seem to be getting along as well as they did in their intro clip. Reminds me of two other knuckleheads I know. Frank, once again, is screaming like a damn maniac. How the hell are these teams finding this place? Why aren't we being shown what's happening? The editors must fucking hate me. Oh wait, did I say they hate me? I meant they hate logic, putting things in a chronological fucking fashion, and letting us know what's going on. How in the hell is figuring out whether or not you're in 7th place, math? Kim, I'm not following you on that one. But I still want to hump the shit out of your leg.
I know what happened to Kevin and Drew's clue. Matt and Ana have it. And I would imagine that Batoka George is in fact a mountain. I just picture a George as being mountainous. Unlike Batoka Gorge, which is like a deep ravine...or a gorge. Okay, now that we've seen the top three teams do their thing at the gorge, I guess it's time to skip back past all the other teams and go to the last three and watch their struggle with making their way to the task. Fuck the rest of the teams and how they found their way or what they're up to. Help us out editors...you bitches. Ha ha ha! Nancy just tried to sit down on the bungee swing before taking off. She dropped one leg down and almost had a seat on the ledge before falling into the gorge. I now want to hump Amie's leg. She's got spunk, she's hopping up and down, happy that she's not last. After I get done with her leg...I will sprawl out across her lap in a post-coital glow. Ahh crap, the editors have decided to interrupt my happiness by not showing us shit again. This time the teams are just showing up at the pit stop and we have no indication of how or why they got there in that order. For all we know they all piled into a white van that contained beverages and food and they all rode to the pit stop together. Ya know, how like on Survivor they don't really walk to tribal council but take jeeps and shit? Ahh Hollywood. As the teams check in, they get a champagne glass of Tang with an orange slice in it. Thanks CBS.
So now that the teams have arrived and it's the end of a hard day of racing, it's time to have a party. All the teams are getting...hold on a second, there's a team missing right? Which team...oh yeah, there they are. Matt and Ana come strolling up, seemingly 79 hours later. It'd be nice to find out what had happened to them...BUT WE WON'T, BECAUSE THEY WON'T FREAKIN' SHOW US!! Yeah, Matt knew that was going to happen. Well, no doubt. I'd imagine it'd be pretty obvious when you show up 3 days later and no teams or cameras were around. Bummer man. Well what can you do? In their post-race interview, Matt says that they will have memories, he...ack...what the fuck happened? It just cut off! There's no interview? No previews for next week? I hate editors.