Fashion Reports

Fashion Report - Episode Seven

Since TAR is all about the pants in many ways, I thought we could start off by taking note of all the khaki cargo pants on display.
Hildy: Since TAR is all about the pants in many ways, I thought we could start off by taking note of all the khaki cargo pants on display. Kelly, BuffJon, The Chipsters, Team Whoo?—everybody seemed to begin the leg with an homage du militaire. (Although now that I think of it, I’ve not yet seen a drill sergeant wearing a pair of cropped low riders such as those sported by Tian.) I see the point of them—utilitarian, comfy, forgiving of most dirt—but part of me longed for a little variety. You?

Daria. I think this is an area where we’ll have to agree to disagree. As we discussed early in the season, the Racers should dress like they’re going camping – and hiking. When I hike, I want lots of pockets. So I love the cargo pants. One of my favorite shots was of a water bottle sticking out of a mid-thigh pocket. And Tian’s cargo capri pants made my heart flutter. I wonder if those come in a size 12. On the other hand, a color other than khaki would be a welcome sight for sure!

Hildy: There were a couple of two-toned sporty mistakes early on that I believe may have affronted our eyes once already. Somebody on Team Who likes that red and grey two toned horror with the number five on it—pity that didn’t run with the bulls, because then we’d have a nice even dun sheen to look at. Then Jaree, I think, tried out a red and white sport shirt look. I just don’t like that look. I do not like it sam I am, I do not like it one goddamn. Not at the mall, not on the train, not racing bulls, not in the rain.
Her affinity for white is becoming increasingly impractical. White shorts? In India?
Daria: That was David Who? wearing the red and grey ick-shirt. What confused me was the number five – I don’t recall seeing that before. Does this mean he has a bunch of them? I certainly hope not. I also didn’t like Millie’s brown and tan tank top. It looked homemade, although I suspect it was also comfortable. Her affinity for white is becoming increasingly impractical. White shorts? In India? Millie, dear, those are best worn while having a cook-out with the in-laws. Or the non-laws, as appears to be the case here. And this is the dirtiest race thus far, making the white borderline disastrous.

Hildy: There were some good looking T shirts on display. The Chipsters, as always, started out looking very natty, with nice, beefy, well cut T-shirts. Kelly as well had a good but utilitarian look going on, and it wore well – on the outside, at least, Strangely, her hair doesn’t seem to get as windblown as Millie’s does. Here’s my theory: Kelly has a picture of herself up in the attic. It reflects every nasty, mean spirited, petty and self-absorbed thing that she says, while Kelly continues to look, to all intents and purposes, Nice. The picture looks like a well-worn Uruk Hai at this point, however.

Daria: On the other hand, Kelly seems much thinner every week. Maybe soon she’ll be so thin she’ll disappear altogether. I can always hope. As for the Chipsters, I’m beginning to wonder if their appearance isn’t as much a factor of the way they carry themselves as it is their clothes. They exude confidence, and a confident man can get away with wearing just about anything. Witness TAR3’s Wonder Twins and the hideous sleeveless gingham shirts. Yet those two still managed to look great each week. So I’ll give the Chipsters points for presence. At this point, no one else has it.
I did have a couple of issues with shirts, however. First of all, David and Jeff? Those are called undershirts, boys.
Hildy: I did have a couple of issues with shirts, however. First of all, David and Jeff? Those are called undershirts, boys. Messrs Carter and Hanes both make a fine product, but it’s just not a ‘Cheese stands Alone’ kind of shirt. Please. If you want to wear a T shirt, go get a big Beefy T-shirt in a lovely slate blue. You’d both look quite dashing. Next in line: Clowns. I know that you guys are comfortable in all kinds of wacky duds, but really, have some compassion on the viewing audience, and don’t opt for the skintight look unless you are Chip or Reichen. And believe me, you’re not.

Daria: Now that I’m past my initial case of the vapors from finally seeing Stompers, I have to agree. Underwear is not outerwear. Write this on a chalkboard 100 times, Who. And next time you’re at Target or Costco, buy the paper towels and discounted DVDs, yes – but not clothing that anyone not enrolled at your gym is going to see. Here’s my theory on the Clowns: they’re wearing rehearsal clothes. Durable, washable, breathable – and not pretty. Definitely not pretty. But I doubt they care at this point.
Put Phil in classic, rugged, casual clothing that will accent his twinkly Kiwi goodness. That is all.
Hildy: There were several items for the burn pile, as well. Phil, for the love of sweet little apples, please douse that shirt with kerosene and toss it on the flames, stat. The embroidery was just affected, and the funky neckline bunched up around your pecs. I was forced once again to contemplate the dreadful possibility that Phil might need a Manzierre, even though I have seen photographic evidence of his toned abs. Please, fashion Nazi, I beg of you. Put Phil in classic, rugged, casual clothing that will accent his twinkly Kiwi goodness. That is all.

Also on the burn pile: those cloth diapers the clowns wrapped around their heads.

Daria: Ah, yes, the do-rags. I have such mixed feelings about those. Is there a head garment that you can soak with water in order to keep cool? I don’t think there is, in which case the Clowns did a great job of improvising, despite the visual assault. And speaking of visuals, I want to give David points for wearing goggles during the bull race. They were almost as practical as the space blankets, which have become the “new black” of racer gear.

As for Phil, I’ve been asked to Zapruder the credits and find out if there’s anyone in particular to blame for his wardrobe this season. I certainly hope it’s not Phil himself, but I’m afraid it might be. I will provide the name of the guilty party in next week’s report!
I am in total agreement about the Pretty Person award. Tian was tested this week – literally dragged through the mud – and managed to look fabulous throughout.
Hildy: Finally, I want to give a Pretty Person award to Tian. She had a great look going on prior to the bulls. Low riding cropped cargoes with a big chunky belt, big stomping boots, a great black T, and a bitching scarf. I thought that she and Jaree looked like an updated Thelma and Louise, although they didn’t get to use a vintage convertible to sail off into the sunset. As for the Ugly Ass award, I think it’s unanimous: Kelly and Jon, take a bow. What thoroughly unlikable people.

Daria: I am in total agreement about the Pretty Person award. Tian was tested this week – literally dragged through the mud – and managed to look fabulous throughout. She earned her award. I’ll give the Chipsters a runner-up award for looking spiffy. And you won’t get any argument from me about the Ugly Ass award. If another racer were to put duct tape over both Kelly and Jon’s mouths, I’d be eternally grateful, although I suspect they’d still find a way to annoy me.