Fashion Reports

Fashion Report - Episode Five

Let’s cut to the chase – was that an ugly red sweater on Phil or what?
Daria: This was not a good week for the TAR4 racers, at least from a fashion perspective. Let’s cut to the chase – was that an ugly red sweater on Phil or what? It stunk worse than the manure pit, so it’s first on this week’s burn pile. Maybe we’ll even burn it en route to the pile. No need to wait with something that fugly.

Hildy: That sweater looked like something my grandmother knit me in the ‘70s, and my PTSD kicked in big time last night as a result. I dreamed that I had to wear that, and Josh’s glasses, to the Fall Fashion Week in NY, and got kicked out of the Donna Karan show as a result. I woke up covered in cold sweat.

All I can think is that Jerry Bruckheimer worked at a Kmart in his formative years and as a gesture of appreciation made his former supervisor from Men’s Apparel the Wardrobe Nazi for Phil. In which case: Jerry, please God, you’ve paid your debt. May we move on now?

Daria: I have some other candidates for the burn pile, and they’re mostly red, which I normally love. As we saw with Phil’s blecherous turtleneck, however, red alone does not make for an attractive garment – design is an element, too. David Who’s red-sleeved gray shirt didn’t work, and Kelly’s red top with the white stripes looked like something she picked up at a yard sale. So did ClownJon’s black and white striped shirt, which is my final candidate for the fire. Any other candidates, Hildy?

Hildy: Seems as if you have a thing against stripes as well as red. (Although you’ll get no argument from me. If you’ve ever had a kid, you know that the maternity wear industry takes diabolical glee in manufacturing maternity wear in horizontal stripes. I’m scarred for life on the stripes.) I think that next week we should see some brand new burn candidates once the warm weather wardrobes make an appearance. Hmmm. Who’s your prediction for best Stompers?
Best Stompers? Maybe this is what Team Who? has instead of personality.
Daria: Best Stompers? Maybe this is what Team Who? has instead of personality. The more Stompers, the merrier, in any event. Some of the women weren’t even bothering with lip gloss this week. Even Chapstick comes in light tints, and you don’t need a mirror to apply it. If you want a good picture of Killer Fatigue, just take a look at Tian in this episode – though I think she might have been fighting some minor ailment in addition to sleep deprivation. But she looked about as bad as possible for someone with her natural beauty. And that was before she and Jaree began bickering.

Hildy: She did stick with the killer black stretch pants, however, which are a darn sight better than those army fatigues that Jaree has been sporting. But on the makeup front: I actually like it when the women go commando style on the makeup. It’s a race. It’s not the MAC cosmetic counter (did you hear that, Phil? This means you, too!).

Daria: There were some positives this week. The pale mauve sweater was the only thing I liked about Millie this week, but I liked it a lot. A number of the racers wore practical khaki cargo pants. And the Supremes’ baby blue jerseys were quite attractive, even if they were identical. I wish more teams would follow the lead of TAR3’s Wonder Twins, who wore the same clothes in different colors.

Hildy: The Chipsters are doing that—they have matching rugby shirts in blue and green. If one were catty, one could wonder whether they chose the colors to match their eyes. On the cargo pants, I have to say that I am not feeling the love. Cargo pants make me want to go out and buy a beautifully tailored Chanel suit just to restore fashion balance in the world. I’m more of a faded Levis kind of person when it comes to casual pants. Particularly on men.
But the poo detour? White jumpsuits? With short sleeves?
Daria: Amsterdam’s local color was abundant. At the cheese detour alone, we had charming wooden clogs for the racers, while the regular workers at the site looked jaunty in their wide-brimmed blue hats. That gorgeous brown dog at the eel boat can come live with me any time. And the greeter? Fabulous chain mail! He made me think “history”, “hot”, and “Knights Who Say ‘Nih!’” all at once. But the poo detour? White jumpsuits? With short sleeves? The green Wellingtons made sense, but white?

Hildy: This confirms my theory that Bruckheimer delights in getting the racers all dressed up in silly outfits, and the white suits for poo just confirm that theory. I mean, brown would have been far less fun on film.

It’s just too bad they didn’t go farther than the clogs with the cheese detour. I think that full traditional Dutch Garb would have made quite an impression. And they missed out on a chance to put racers in Lederhosen whilst in Switzerland. And Kilts! We could have seen the WonderTwins in Kilts! Okay, now I’m bitter. I’m still on the lookout for the Tyvek Hazmat suits at some point, however.

Daria: I had hoped there’s be some strong competition for the Pretty People Award this season. After all, in TAR3 this would have been a real battle. However, once again the award clearly goes to Monica and Sheree. For the third week in a row, they had the requisite good looks, good attitude, and except for a bit of car trouble, good racing. Last week’s runners-up, Jon and Al, don’t get anything this week. They mugged, which isn’t pretty. And Jon has a shirt in the burn pile, which is an automatic disqualifier. Am I missing anything, Hildy?
I think you have it covered, unless we want to have a competing Ugly Ass Award, which clearly goes to Tian and Jaree this week.
Hildy: I think you have it covered, unless we want to have a competing Ugly Ass Award, which clearly goes to Tian and Jaree this week. Aside from the army fatigues, their sniping went beyond entertaining to cringeworthy and scary. How do they eat/sleep/mingle together after saying such things? My mother would have broken out the bar of yellow laundry soap on them weeks ago.